Turned Upside Down
by Schnapsidee
Summary: An unexpected phone call turns Meredith's life upside down. Involuntarily she returns to Seattle, leaving behind a life and a thriving career only to be caught up in the bureaucracy of having spent years abroad. Secretly trapped as an intern she tries to flip her life back around if only a dark-haired blue-eyed neurosurgeon would stop being so interested in her.
1. Chapter 1 - Roseridge

Welcome reader! Enjoy!

All recognizable characters belong to Shonda and Disney, I'm just playing with them.

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**Chapter 1 – Roseridge**

Meredith was running. The carryon she pulled behind her flipped over again as Meredith ran through the airport terminal. She cursed loudly. She had been called for final boarding twice already. She adjusted the strap of her heavy messenger bag, flipped her board case over and continued running to her gate. When she finally arrived it was almost cleared. Two gate agents were handling the last couple of passengers. Slightly panting she put her smartphone on the scanner and smiled at the gate agents, who looked at the young distressed woman in pity. Meredith hurried down the gangway into the plane, made her way to her row, stored her carryon in the overhead compartment, squeezed herself into the window seat and prepared herself for a long flight. She closed her eyes, and let out a long deep breath. The plane was pushed back from the gate and the flight attendants started their walk around while the security video began to play on the screens. She had barely made it.

She had rushed out of surgery, already late, had said her final goodbyes, had gotten her luggage and had jumped into her friend's car, who had kindly offered to drive her to the airport. She had stood in the long lines to drop off her bags and to pass security. With every minute she stood there she had one less minute to make her important flight. She had made it, barely, but she had made it.

Meredith stared out of the window as the plane moved around the tarmac, sped down the runway and finally took off. She watched as the buildings became smaller and smaller and the cars on the highway became small dots until there was nothing distinct to make out anymore. As soon as the seatbelt sign allowed her to Meredith got her laptop out of her bag and continued to work, to distract herself from thinking about the inevitable. Just a week ago she had gotten the phone call that brought her entire life crumbling down.

* * *

_Meredith sat in her small office she shared with three other people. She was alone. Her night shift playlist was playing in the background, the candy jar was bursting with her favorite snacks and her thermos was filled with coffee. Her cordless hospital phone and her fully charged work cell laid in front of her - either ready to go off any minute. Meredith was on-call. It was late at night and she was finishing up some notes that had accumulated over the last week. She hated paperwork. It was tedious and exhausting but unfortunately necessary. It was a call night and on on-call nights she caught up on paperwork and everything else she had procrastinated on over the week._

_She was typing up a medical report for a patient when her private cellphone rang. It was midnight on a Thursday. The young surgeon fished her cellphone out of her purse that was sitting on the floor._

_"Hey, I'm at work," Meredith picked up the phone after checking the number and assuming who it would be._

_"Hello, may I speak to Dr. Meredith Grey?" the woman on the other line requested._

_"This is she. To whom am I speaking?" Meredith asked confusedly._

_"Please hold." The line filled with hold music before Meredith could muster another word. She put her phone on speaker, putting it aside while she finished the medical report._

_"Hello, Dr. Grey. This is Dr. Johnson calling from Mayo Clinic concerning Dr. Ellis Grey. You are listed as your mother's emergency contact," an older male voice spoke through the phone after some time. Meredith picked up the phone again and brought it to her ear._

_"Okay. What is this about?" Meredith asked carefully._

_"Your mother has been involved in an accident today."_

_"Is she okay?"_

_"She has a mild concussion, a broken wrist and some bruising."_

_"What happened?"_

_"She was walking around disoriented and ran in front of a car."_

_"Disoriented?" Meredith questioned._

_"Yes, because of her Alzheimer's. It's starting to progress faster than we initially predicted. We ran another CT …" Meredith's ears were ringing. She heard the words that she was told but had a hard time processing them. Her brain worked in slow motion._

_"Excuse me? Alzheimer's?" Meredith questioned interrupting him._

_"Yes, I was the doctor who diagnosed your mother with early-onset Alzheimer's six months ago. I'm her neurologist," Dr. Johnson told her._

_"Six months ago?" Meredith exclaimed._

_"I assume she didn't tell you about the diagnosis, based on your reaction?" Dr. Johnson asked the young blonde physician._

_"No, she did not!" Meredith blurted out, just when she got a message on her other cell, moments later the phone rang. One look at the message told her the incoming patient's information - she was needed. Dr. Johnson had continued talking but Meredith wasn't listening. "I'm sorry… I'm needed. Could I call you back?" Meredith interrupted him again._

_"Yes, of course. Call whenever you have time then we can discuss this further."_

_"Thank you," Meredith ended the call, picked up the call from the ER already halfway out of her office, sprinting down the hallway, down three flights of stairs into the ER._

_Around two in the morning Meredith walked back into her office, tired and ready for a nap but the reality of the news came right back to her as soon as she stepped into the room. During the last hours she had been able to avoid the news she had gotten just before being called down, but now the reality came crashing back. She let herself fall onto the squeaky chair, breathing in deeply and dialed the number of Dr. Johnson, who miraculously still picked up._

_"Hello Dr. Johnson, this is Meredith Grey. Sorry about hanging up so abruptly earlier."_

_"No problem. I know how it is," he responded._

_"Thank you. Sorry, I'm still trying to wrap my head around the situation. I could use a little help. She got diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's six months ago," Meredith cleared her throat, "How did it come to that diagnosis?"_

_"That is very understandable. Your mother came to me about eight months ago. She had been in surgery the day before and couldn't remember what she was supposed to do. She suspected that something wasn't right. So we ran some tests that consequently resulted in her diagnosis. I know this a lot to comprehend right now, I'm sorry that she didn't tell you,"_

_"Not telling me is very on-brand for her. What about her work?"_

_"She hasn't been in an OR in more than six months. She mostly consulted and wrote."_

_"Okay, good. That's good. … What's the prognosis?"_

_"Well, the disease is progressing rather quickly. She is on the highest dose of Memantine and Donepezil. She is enrolled in some clinical trials. But her lucid moments have decreased significantly in the last few weeks. It's not looking good. And with what transpired today, I fear your mother could be a danger to herself and others. She has been incredibly lucky with today's outcome."_

_"What are you suggesting, Dr. Johnson?"_

_"Dr. Grey, she can't live independently anymore. It is time to move your mother in a home," he told her._

_"A home? ... Great, my mother needs to move into a nursing home at age 58."_

_"Unfortunately yes. I'm sorry. Your mother has a very particular advance directive and she went the whole nine yards to make sure nobody found out about her diagnosis. She made me sign an NDA that prohibits me from talking to anyone about her case that she didn't approve of. She instated you as her health care proxy and made arrangements that you would take over her guardianship in case she wouldn't be able to make her own decisions anymore. And personally, I think we have reached that point now. I doubt that she will get any better, she will only get worse."_

_"I'm her healthcare proxy? And I'm supposed to be her guardian?" Meredith exclaimed, "This keeps getting better and better. Sorry," she muttered more to herself than anyone._

_"Yes, and she made arrangements with a nursing home in Seattle. They have a room for her whenever she needs it,"_

_"In Seattle?! Why? She hasn't been to Seattle in over twenty years!"_

_"I can't tell you why she chose Seattle, I'm only telling you what her living will says," Dr. Johnson explained, "Making all those decisions from somewhere other than Seattle even with the technological advances nowadays … I would highly advise against it. I am sorry Dr. Grey."_

_"Are you trying to politely tell me that I need to move to Seattle as well? Just because my mother decided on a nursing home in Seattle?" Meredith panicked, as the reality of everything hit her, "I have a job! I have patients and friends. I … I have a life. I can't … I can't just drop everything and move to Seattle. Are … are there any other options?"_

_"I understand that this is overwhelming for you, Dr. Grey. You could always move her closer to you and forgo Seattle."_

_"I'm not even in the country right now," Meredith whispered. The situation getting more and more real every passing second._

_"Another family member or a close friend could take over the guardianship."_

_"There is no one else. She burned all bridges."_

_"The state could appoint a guardian for your mother. An attorney or an agency for instance. There would be no guarantee that a state-appointed guardian would respect your mother's medical wishes. They would also have full control over her finical and her intellectual property."_

_"No, I can't do that. Damn it, mother!" Meredith cursed, running her free hand over her face. She didn't want to be in this situation. "How long can you keep her? I mean how long is it possible to keep her in the hospital, based on her injuries. Because I can't just hop on a plane, I still need to figure some stuff out."_

_"That is more than understandable. I'm sorry that you had to learn about your mother's circumstances like this. I can arrange for her to stay at least a week and after that, we would have to figure something else out."_

_"Thank you," Meredith told him as her phone rang again. "I'll call as soon as I know more. I'm so sorry I have to go again."_

_"Okay, Dr. Grey. If you need more information, anything at all, just call. I'll hear from you."_

_Meredith spent the rest of her call shift in the OR operating, blissfully ignoring that her life outside of the operating room had been turned upside down in the last two hours._

* * *

_The following week was filled with phone calls and meetings and surgeries and making plans and telling friends that she was leaving and packing._

_Meredith was working on autopilot, she had made a paralyzingly long to-do list that was working through point for point, not thinking just doing. She knew if she allowed herself to stop and think for a single second she would question her every decision she made since the call._

_The very next day she handed in her resignation to her bosses, who were very surprised by her sudden change of heart. Just a month ago she was offered a new position at the hospital and now she had to drop everything and turn her life upside down._

_Quitting wasn't as easy as in the movies, her bosses sat her down on that very day. At that point, she didn't care that her mother made her own doctor sign an NDA because the great Ellis Grey couldn't be known for such a grim diagnosis. She had spent more time with those people over the last years than with her mother, they knew who she was as a person and as a physician. So she confided in them, told them about the phone call, about her dilemma, about her painful decision to leave, about her mother. They listened and then they rejected her resignation. Her contract would be up in a little over three months and they encouraged her to take her built-up vacation days and consult remotely while she was figuring out the situation with her mother in Seattle. The plan was for her to come back in September to tie up the loose ends she left behind and renegotiate._

_Her own life had taken a backseat. Dealing with her mother's situation had been more time consuming than she had expected. There were so many details she had to think about. Whenever she wasn't working she was on the phone for countless hours talking to her mother's insurance, the nursing home, airlines and airports, moving companies, rental car services and hotels, all to figure out the best way to relocate her mother within a week._

_In stepping up as her mother's caregiver Meredith was leaving behind friends, a career and security for a lot of uncertainty._

_Meredith packed two suitcases to the brim with the living essentials that she would need over the next three months and started to pack up her apartment in the rare free moments. Saying goodbye to her friends was one of the hardest things she had to do in the week leading up to her departure. They all needed to wrap their heads around Meredith's sudden parting. Plans that they had made months ago were now obsolete. Despite all their busy schedules they had managed to all come together for one last goodbye dinner at one of Meredith's favorite restaurants. They had cried and laughed and cried some more._

* * *

Meredith woke up with cloaked up ears. The cold airplane window close to her face. They were approaching their destination. She must have fallen asleep somewhere between refusing to eat the horrible inflight meal and trying to distract herself with the mediocre inflight entertainment. Meredith's profession enabled her to sleep wherever and whenever she wanted. For the first time in a week, she had gotten some decent uninterrupted sleep. Meredith didn't mind flying, it was a great way to get from one place to another. The plane touched down in Boston shortly after. Meredith cleared immigration and customs and got a cab to the house she grew up in.

Her mother loved to buy real estate. If she worked somewhere for more than six months she would buy some kind of real estate there, but Boston had been their home since they moved there years ago. The Grey women had moved from Seattle to Boston when Meredith was almost five. Ellis had bought a big house with a pool and a back yard in a nice neighborhood that was still close enough to the hospital she worked at. They had lived in that house until Meredith finished High School and after that Ellis accepted short term positions all over the world but would always return to Boston.

Meredith unlocked the front door, her mother hadn't been here for months but the cleaning lady had come regularly. It looked the same, not a lot had changed since she last been here. She left her suitcases in the entry hall and started getting to work. A representative of a moving company was scheduled to arrive in two hours, so Meredith could tell them what items needed to be moved into storage and what needed to be moved to Seattle. Meredith needed to sort through her mother's office, decades' worth of medical books, research and journals, patient files, bank statements, insurance policies, book drafts, awards and other documents, Meredith didn't know their origin of. Those documents needed to come with her to Seattle so she would be able to manage her mother's estate and transfer everything when the time came. Later that night she met with a real estate agency, that would rent out the Boston house, as soon as Meredith had moved out all her mother's personal belongings. She couldn't sell the house, not yet. Emotionally Meredith wasn't ready to get rid of the house. She had always liked the house, she had some of her best memories there - not with her mother of course. The same agency had been managing her mother's other real estate.

The meetings with the agencies were quick and easy, they promised her that they would take care of everything so she didn't have to worry about a thing, she really hoped they weren't lying as she was paying them more than enough money.

Until late in the night Meredith ran around the house, sticking post-it notes to items she wanted in Seattle, she packed boxes and more suitcases and was desperately searching for the key to the Seattle house. Her mother had kept the house and had rented it out for the first couple of years. As far as Meredith knew had the house been vacant for the last five years and just set there decaying, but for now she would have a place to stay.

When Meredith was finally done, she had to leave for the airport again to fly to Minnesota to pick up her mother.

Meredith met with Dr. Johnson to go over Ellis' entire medical record, her medications and the further plan of action that very morning. Meredith had a list of questions that her mother's neurologist answered patiently. She took in the information as she had taken in case studies in med school and felt very detached from the situation during the meeting.

The Grey women hadn't seen each other in over two years. Meredith was nervous when she stepped into her mother's hospital room. Ellis sat on the bed all dressed, her wrist in a cast, bags packed and ready to leave. She recognized Meredith as soon as she stepped into the room, much to Meredith's relief. But the longer Meredith spent time with her mother the more she noticed the signs of the terminal disease. Her mother was confused, started sentences that she never finished, told stories that were clearly made up and forgot what they were doing instantly.

Managing a crowded airport with her disoriented mother was a challenge. Meredith thanked herself that she had called in advance so she would have assistance in getting Ellis to the gate and on the plane. Ellis repetitively forgot what they were doing and where they were going. Unfortunately, they had a layover in Chicago which didn't sit well with Ellis. The more they traveled the less Ellis was having it. Meredith tried talking her on board of the plane to Seattle when Ellis didn't recognize Meredith for the first time. She started insulting her loudly in front of all waiting passengers. When Meredith tried to calm her down, Ellis hit Meredith's temple with her cast. People were watching the scenario whispering and pointing, some even filming. When Meredith tried to give her mother a light sedative so she would calm down, Ellis accused her of abduction and other atrocious things. The gate agent called the police and Meredith had to show the cops the doctor's note that explained Ellis' diagnosis. It was the most humiliating event Meredith had ever been part of. Ellis had finally calmed down enough for boarding so they were allowed on the plane.

Meredith survived the flight, feeling the eyes of the other passengers on her back the entire time. After waiting for over an hour for her suitcases, Meredith finally gave up and filled out the form to report both of them missing. How she managed to maneuver her mother and all her belongings into a cab was a mystery to her.

At Roseridge nursing home the staff waited for them. They had been great in organizing everything so that Ellis would feel welcome in her new home. The home was specialized in dealing with Alzheimer's patients. Ellis didn't understand what was happening to her as they unpacked her suitcases and hang her clothes in the closet, put up some of her favorite things on the windowsill and went down to the dining hall for her to get some dinner.

It broke Meredith's heart leaving her mom at the home, her mom was too young for this to happen to her, too young to live in a home with around the clock supervision. The staff assured her that Ellis would be fine. The lady at the front desk called a cab for Meredith. She waited outside the door for the taxi with her board case and the messenger bag the only things she had with her in her new home town. She decided to spend the night in a hotel rather than the house. Not ready to open another can of worms tonight.

* * *

Welcome to my new story. I hope you enjoyed the first chapter. I always wondered what kind of impact it had made on Meredith when her mother got diagnosed. How much her life had changed after. "Turned upside down" is set in the late 2010s post #metoo. I hope you join me on this journey and let's see where it takes us. There is going to be drama, romance, medicine, some trauma, and a kick-ass Meredith.

As for clarity, this story is somewhat inspired by "Hiding in plain sight" and "second time around" which I both love. I obviously put my own spin on it.

I know I haven't updated Next to Me in quite a while. I'm sorry about that. It will be updated at some point. For now this my new idea.

read, review and follow if you like, xoxo

1/4/2020


	2. Chapter 2 -Joe's

Welcome back! Hope you enjoy Chapter 2!

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**Chapter 2 – Joe's**

Bells rang when Meredith opened the door of the bar she had found a block away from the hotel she had checked into. The cab driver had dropped her off at a random hotel relatively close to her mother's nursing home. After check-in, she had dropped off her board case in the room and left in search of a place to serve her some alcohol. The day screamed to be drowned in some tequila. It had been years since Meredith had to take her mother's insults and no matter how many times she tried to tell herself that it was the Alzheimer's talking it still hurt. Meredith was drained, she hadn't slept in what felt like weeks, she was severely jet-lagged and her mind wouldn't stop replaying the scenes at the airport with her mother.

Meredith walked into the dark dusky bar, a in ferry lights wrapped skeleton with a surgical mask was the first interior she noticed. The bar was crowded, people of all ages occupied the tables, some were dancing and others were throwing darts. She made her way over to the bar and sat down on one of the bar stools.

"What can I get you?" the bartender asked her.

"Tequila straight," Meredith answered, she hadn't gone on a tequila spree in months but today called for it. The middle-aged bartender poured her the shot and placed it in front of her. "Keep them coming." She downed the shot and he poured her another one which she took gratefully.

"You are so going to regret that in the morning," the man next to her, told her.

"Excuse me?" Meredith wasn't really in the mood for bar conversation. She looked at the man next to her. He was extremely handsome. He had dark perfect looking hair and bright blue eyes. He was wearing a button-down shirt that made his eyes shine.

"The way you are downing those shots: you are going to regret that in the morning," He clarified smirking. His smile was capturing.

"Don't worry, I can handle my alcohol just fine," Meredith smiled back. "Besides I just had the worst week of my life. I'm going to drown my sorrows in tequila. Nothing you'll say will convince me otherwise," Meredith raised her glass and downed her second shot.

"I think …" The stranger sat down on the barstool next to her with a grin "I'm going to stay."

"I don't need a babysitter. I am fine," Meredith rolled her eyes. The man's handsomeness was almost distracting.

"I am sure you can handle yourself just fine. I am just going to stay here to watch you drink yourself into oblivion. Besides, I hardly doubt your week has been any worse than mine." The man ordered another double scotch from the barkeeper as he put another shot in front of Meredith.

"That is so not possible. And whatever you're doing is not working on me."

"I am just sitting in a bar trying to hide my pain," he smirked.

"I know what you're trying to do and it's not working. You can quit, I am immune," Meredith retorted.

"I'm sure you are," He laughed out loud, "So, what happened that you just lived through the worst week of your life?" Meredith stared straight ahead at the alcohol bottles on the shelves. "Are you ignoring me now?" The man asked after a while.

"I'm trying to, but you make it really difficult." Meredith sighed, opening a peanut from the basket on the counter, putting it in her mouth. The bartender had put them there so that she had some substance for her alcohol. Meredith was five seven and naturally skinny, her love for running and exercise made her body seem smaller than she actually was. She had always looked younger than her actual age and her natural blond hair didn't help either. People always guesstimated her a couple of years younger than she was, but she was always more mature for her age. Early on she had discovered some tricks that made her look older so people would stop underestimating her.

"Well, since you aren't willing to share, I am going to."

"Be my guest. Knock yourself out."

"I just filed for divorce after ten years of marriage," the stranger told her.

"Wow, and you really think you're going to win with that? People get divorced all the time," Meredith snorted.

"This is a competition now? And I haven't told you the entire story yet. I caught my best friend in bed with my wife. In my house, in my bedroom and my marital bed."

"Okay… that is kind of awful," Meredith acknowledged him.

"Thank you," the man replied taking a big sip of his drink. They sat in silence for some time.

"Were you happy? In your marriage, I mean?" Meredith asked out of nowhere.

"I don't know," The man said defeatedly taking another sip of his drink. "I think, we have given up on our marriage a long time ago. At least I have, but this put the final nail in the coffin."

"Just out of curiosity, how does one react when they find their spouse cheating?" Meredith asked.

"Well, I just stood there frozen for a minute, while he fled the scene. Then I threw her stuff including her out on the street in the rain. It was very cinematic. She cried and begged for forgiveness. I packed a bag and hopped on a plane to Seattle," Meredith raised her eyebrows. "And now I'm here, in a bar," The stranger told her.

"You ran."

"I ran," he confirmed, "I mean, I don't need to fight about it. What's done is done."

"You don't seem too upset about it. To me, it looks like she gave you the out you've been waiting for. And to answer my question: you weren't happy and in the end, you got exactly what you wanted. This is a good thing for you."

"Maybe you're right."

"No. I know I'm right," Meredith said without a trace of doubt. The peanuts had triggered her hunger she had suppressed for the last hours. "Sorry, can I get some fries?" she asked the bartender.

"Then, thank you," The man smiled at her. He had a gorgeous smile. "So, what about you? What happened to you that you're drinking tequila by yourself?"

"Just because you shared your tragic life event voluntarily, doesn't mean I have to share mine with you. I don't even know you. You could be a serial killer for all I know," Meredith replied.

"I am not a serial killer. I am a very lovable guy…"

"That's exactly what a serial killer would say," Meredith laughed.

"Yeah right. But really if you know me you'll love me,"

"Sure."

The bartender put the fries in front of her. Meredith instantly started eating. She hadn't had any decent food over the last days and she was feeling the effect of the alcohol already.

"You're not much into healthy eating, are you?"

"No, I'll eat whatever I like, whenever I like. God, I missed real fries."

"So, what happened?" he grinned at that, "Nasty breakup? Fight with the girlfriends? Failed exam? Didn't get the job? Car broke down? Come on help me out."

"You are not giving up, are you?" Meredith sighed.

"I am not known to be a quitter. So either you tell me or you have to endure me asking until you go home. And I assume you are not done drinking yet."

"Unbelievable. Can't a girl just eat and drink in peace?" She shook her head.

"No," he laughed.

"You know I'm known to be really stubborn as well," Meredith pushed a strand of hair behind her ear before she turned back to her fries, the stranger's eyes still on her. She was kind of enjoying herself.

"What happened there?"

"Where?" Meredith asked confusedly.

"The bump and the bruise on our temple."

Meredith's fingers touched her temple, she twitched slightly as she felt the bump. She let her hair fall back over her face again, covering up the bruise. "It's nothing. Really."

"Sure. So are you hiding from your abusive boyfriend?" The stranger asked.

"God, no. There is no boyfriend and there was no abuse," Meredith exclaimed, "You are pretty relentless for someone I just met."

"You could just tell me, so I can stop guessing."

Meredith rolled her eyes, she turned on the stool so she could face him. "Within the last week, I uprooted my entire life, to move not just across the country but to a different continent. Involuntarily might I add? Because my dearest mother failed to inform me, that she was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's six months ago until the very last possible moment. She didn't even tell me herself, her neurologist informed me that it was time to move her into a home and that I'm now 'responsible' for my mother. I'm the only one she has because she is insanely stubborn and no one is allowed to know about it. I spent the day traveling with her to Seattle. And let me tell you it is no fun being accused of abduction, insulted and hit with a cast in front of an entire airport," Meredith took a deep breath in and continued. "I can't really blame her because she is sick. But I'm so mad at her right now. A warning would have been nice. I'm not really sure I like her very much right now or ever. Respect her, sure. Love her? In a weird twisted way, yes. Like? No. She never sacrificed a thing for me. Never. And here I am, jobless, friendless in a city that has way too much rain for my liking. So I'm drinking because apparently, this is the only thing I have control over," Meredith exhaled, "Are you happy now?"

"Nah, not really. But you definitely won," the man told her and singled the bartender to pour her another one.

"Thank you, I am really competitive." Meredith rolled her eyes with a small smile. "I would appreciate if we could go back to your shitty life so I can ignore mine while I still can."

The man laughed at that. "I'm glad my shitty situation provides some comfort to you. And to be honest I'm not too keen on the Seattle weather either."

"Then why the hell did you choose Seattle. You had a choice you could've chosen anywhere."

"My old mentor and friend offered me a job in Seattle about a month ago and when faced with the decision where I should escape to, I choose Seattle and took the job."

"You could have been in Hawaii or California or somewhere sunny right now. At a beach enjoying the warm June evening and instead, you are in a bar in freezing cold rainy Seattle. You need to reconsider your choices."

"At least I have great company. No beach and sunset can beat that. Besides I didn't have to look for a well paying job, that's a big plus."

"Please don't remind me," Meredith groaned, burying her face in her hands. "That is also on the agenda."

"What did you do before you had to drop everything?"

"I thought we were talking about you and ignoring me," Meredith raised her eyebrows.

"Oh come on! Give me an inch."

"I don't give inches. I solely work with the metric system," Meredith smirked.

"Funny," he rolled his eyes.

"I worked with people."

"That's vague. That could literally be anything."

"You get what you get," Meredith laughed shrugging, drinking another shot.

The alcohol flowed freely as they continued bantering over the next hours. It was really easy to talk to him. He was funny, smart and very attractive.

* * *

Meredith woke up way too early her head slightly buzzing from the tequila she had consumed last night. She had drunk way too much. The jet lag had woken her up. She rolled over to see somebody else occupying the bed. Meredith groaned and ran her hands over her tired eyes. It was a recurring theme for her that she would end up in bed with some inappropriate guy when she drank too much. It had been some months since the last time it happened.

The sex with the handsome stranger from the bar last night had been mind-blowing. In the moment the one-night stand seemed like a great idea. They had talked for hours and then they had kissed and next thing they were naked in bed having screaming orgasms.

More often than not did she regret her drunk decisions when she woke up. She couldn't regret last night because the sex had been truly amazing. But now in a much more sober state, she realized that she didn't even know the stranger's name. She pulled the sheets of the bed exposing the man's gorgeous naked body and wrapped herself in them, waddling to the bathroom. She couldn't have gotten more than a couple of hours of sleep, but there was no thought about sleep now that she was awake. It was only four in the morning but her body was still running on European time. And she was starving, room service, however, wouldn't be available until six a.m. Meredith took a long hot shower. The steaming hot water washed away some of last week's stress and anxiety allowing her to relax a little for a short while. She took all the time in the world to get ready, testing all the moisturizers and peelings the hotel provided. It was awkward with her being wide awake and her one-night stand out there fast asleep. He had pushed some buttons last night that hadn't been pushed in some time. He was the first guy she had had an interesting conversation with before jumping in bed with him.

There was only so much to do in the bathroom and it wasn't like she could just leave, it was her hotel room after all. She got her laptop out of the room and started to do some work, sitting on the bathroom floor leaning against the bathtub. There were still some loose ends she needed to be tied up. She still had some medical reports to write for her last patients and she needed to go over her last surgery. Some first-year resident had written the surgical notes and she needed to approve them. She was surprisingly productive given the lack of sleep and where she was working.

Around six she heard some commotion in the room and soon after she was joined by the handsome stranger.

"What are you doing in here?" He asked drowsily, squinting his eyes against the harsh light.

"Working," Meredith answered simply, sending out the last email.

"Working? I thought you were jobless … "

"I am. Long story."

"How long have you been in here?

"About two hours or so."

"But It's …"

"5:45 am. I know. What are you doing up already?"

"Jet lag and I have to work today. Why are you up?"

"Jet lag," Meredith replied her stomach growling. "God, I am starving."

"Did you work up an appetite?" he smirked.

"Shut up."

"What do you say, we'll get out of here and I'll make sure you get something to eat?" the man asked.

"Listen. Last night was great, … um. See, I don't even know your name." Meredith said.

"Derek." He held out his hand.

"Listen, Derek. …"

"I don't know yours either. At least make it fair,"

"Meredith." She took his hand and shook it. "Listen, Derek. Last night was great but you really don't need to do this."

"Do what?"

"You know the thing, you are doing right now."

"I have no idea what you are talking about. You are starving, I am hungry as well, the least I can do is buy you breakfast. I have to be at work in two hours anyway."

Derek somehow convinced Meredith to go out for breakfast with him, where they continued last night's banter. She ate pancakes and eggs while he stuck to a bowl of muesli. They talked and laughed until Meredith jumped up realizing that she was late for a meeting with her mother's care team. She thanked him and was gone before he had a chance to ask for a way to contact her.

* * *

After the meeting with her mother's care team, Meredith had gone to the house for the first time. The last tenant had left years ago, since then the house had been vacant, sitting there decaying. It was very dusty. The air was stale and smelled bad. Some old pieces of furniture from all the way back when they had left Seattle were still in the house. Several of the appliances needed to be replaced – she had luckily put a moving sticker on the washer and dryer. The house needed to be fixed up in general, loose floorboards, paint jobs and no way to hook up a fast internet connection. It was bad to the point where she was thinking about selling it altogether. For now, she made it work.

Three days after her arrival in Seattle her suitcases still hadn't found their way to her, which lead to some very angry phone calls to the airline. She had long gone through her emergency underwear that was always a staple piece in her board case. Meredith even went out and bought some clothes so she could have something to wear other than the clothes she arrived in. And Meredith hated shopping.

Between all the paperwork for her mom, getting her settled in, meeting with her doctor, figuring out insurance, she had to sort out her own life. Four days in Seattle and five days out of the OR Meredith was getting antsy. The occasional email asking her for some insight on a case were the highlights of her days. She needed to find a job to keep her sanity because there was no way she would survive the next three months without doing something. Having studied abroad she was faced with some challenges that could have been resolved if she had some time to plan.

The system she had trained in was entirely different from the American system. Right out of High School she had decided that she wanted to pursue a career in medicine, so she did. Her mother had no other chance than to accept her decision and let her go. Ellis had talked her into taking every step of the United States Medical Licensing Exam during her studies, to keep the door open for attending an American residency program. Meredith, however, had taken two-thirds of the USMLE before she had stopped. Now she was presented with the consequences, without a valid American medical license she wasn't able to practice medicine or join a residency program. Hours on the phone with various agencies and the American Board of Surgeons brought no tangible solution. They saw her as a freshly graduated physician ready to head into the intern year.

Meredith was faced with a dilemma, either she would have to sit still for three months hoping for remote consults or she would have to restart as an intern, practicing medicine even on the lowest level. The decision was easy, after three days of doing nothing Meredith was going stir crazy, she rather ran labs with the option to see the inside of an OR than sit there and stare at the blank walls of the house.

One of her old professors had spent a couple of years teaching at U Dub. He connected her with the chief of staff. They had a long insightful conversation, he was very impressed with Meredith's resume. He put in a good word for Meredith with Seattle's surgical residency programs as a favor to his old friend and colleague. Meredith had modified her resume in order to better fit for an intern position.

Richard Webber – chief of surgery of Seattle Grace - had been the only one to get back to her. He had been one of her mother's good friends when they did their residency together at the very same hospital he was working at. Seattle Grace was known to be one of the better teaching hospitals in the greater northwestern region. Dr. Webber was told that Meredith was a graduate from a foreign university who urgently needed to transfer to Seattle and was asked if he could open a spot for her in his intern class.

Meredith met with Dr. Webber, he had gone over some facts about the program and the hospital. Seattle Grace had just hired a new world renown head of neurosurgery from New York, had an amazing cardiac unit and had invested into a new research lab. Dr. Webber made room for her in the new intern class that was starting next week. Meredith signed her contract and was asked to attend the intern mixer.

She visited her mother every day that week and every time she left she felt a little worse. She met with every single nurse, physician, and therapist on staff. They tried their best to get her settled into her new situation. It was a task on its own. Ellis had never been a mellow person, she was stubborn and hard to work with as it was. But because of her brilliance and reputation, people had tolerated her. She was holding on to this attitude making it hard to handle her. Ellis had made sure that her diagnosis stayed under wraps. In her rare lucid moments, she made all staff members sign a watertight non-disclosure agreement. All the secrecy about the circumstances made Meredith's life so much harder. She had to lie to her mother's former employer, colleagues, and friends about her whereabouts.

The only thing that kept the young blonde from going insane was her long runs. Meredith had found her love for running in med school. During particularly stressful times she had gone out for long runs. It became a habit, she ran multiple 15km runs every week before or after shifts. It kept her sane when she had been in the OR for hours. She loved being outside seeing all kinds of different scenery while she was on the go, getting some fresh air. It was her way to unwind and explore new surroundings. Her competitive nature made her participate in races. It had started with 5Ks and had soon evolved into marathons. She tried to run at least one per year. Recently she started thinking about ultra-races but hadn't found a fitting race yet. The great thing was, she could just step outside her door and start without going somewhere specific like a gym.

* * *

Meredith was standing at a table with a glass of champagne in her hand politely listing to the mundane conversations of the other interns. She hated those events. The kind of events where small talk was needed. Where people mingled, tried to suck up to each other and bragged about where they went to school and on what position they graduated or how many followers they had on social media.

Meredith was experiencing reversed culture shock. The event was the most American thing she had experienced since coming back. She had been to countless similar events with her mom and she never once enjoyed herself.

Seattle Grace had rented out the conference room of the hotel she had stayed at a couple of days ago. She had listened to the mandatory speeches of administration, HR, surgery, internal medicine, radiology at some point she had lost count of who spoke about what.

She was wearing a black cocktail dress and too high, high heels. She was exhausted. She was still jet-lagged, the nine-hour time difference was confusing her body more than she had ever thought it would.

Her mother had been particularly difficult today, getting her settled in was much more difficult than she had anticipated. She had refused to eat until Meredith had brought in outside food. She had yelled at her for her incompetence only to realize that she didn't know who Meredith was when she started complaining about her daughter. The disease was further advanced than she had thought when she got the call. Dealing with her mother was like dealing with a real stubborn toddler in their terrible twos.

Meredith was halfheartedly listing to the interns' conversation. Their excitement levels were through the roof about the fact that they would be practicing medicine as a real doctor as of tomorrow. She had been this excited just a couple of weeks ago by the thought of finally being finished with her education. The thought of starting over was more depressing than exciting to her.

She had tried the food which wasn't great. A boy was staring at her from across the room, making her feel uncomfortable. Her feet hurt. She was counting down the minutes until it was acceptable for her to leave. She had been here for two hours and had talked to Dr. Webber and some other attendings. She had done the appropriate amount of small talk and had mingled with her fellow interns. It was time for her to leave, go home and enjoy some peaceful alone time. As of tomorrow, she would be spending the majority of her time with those people.

* * *

1/11/20

I hope you enjoyed the next chapter of my story. I love to read all your feedback, please keep it coming. This is a work of fiction and as much as I tried to do my research and figure out the logistics (I want to keep it as realistic as possible) some parts just come from my brain. It is for you to figure out which ones if you like. Anyways I hope you had a fantastic week and had a great start to the new decade. As always: If you like the story give it a follow and a favorite and if you have anything to tell me, leave a comment.

(I have no idea how many people are still watching the actual show but it's kind of sad to hear that we had to say goodbye to Alex like this)


	3. Chapter 3 - Seattle Grace

Welcome back!

Just borrowing the characters

* * *

**Chapter 3 – Seattle Grace**

Meredith woke up involuntarily early the next morning. The effects of moving halfway across the globe were still exhausting her. Since she had plenty of time before she would start her first shift as a doctor in the American hospital system, she decided to go on a long run. She had no idea when she would be able to enjoy her next long run in the near future.

Being an intern was horrific. Her schedule hours were inhumane. She had already suffered through something similar during her practical year and at the beginning of her residency. Remembering how much it took out of her, Meredith wasn't looking forward to doing it again.

By law, residents were permitted to work up to 80 hours a week. In reality, most demanding specialties, like surgery, anesthesiology and emergency medicine would lock more hours a week. She would be on call every third night and could be expected to work up to 30 hours straight. She had thought that she would be way past that point in her career by now. Studies had shown that the number of mistakes significantly increased with the number of hours the treating physician had been on duty at the hospital. Working such long hours at a time could be a liability for the hospital and staff. Getting used to the new rules or lack thereof would be a challenge for her.

She thought about her upcoming day as she ran down an unfamiliar road that ended in the U Dub campus. Meredith knew that the campus was multiple miles away from her home. She needed at least thirty minutes to an hour, to get back to her house if she ran fast.

* * *

Ten minutes after the scheduled start Meredith slipped into the lecture hall to attend the introduction lecture for surgical interns. They went over the basics reminding them about the necessary protocols and procedures. They went over administrative talking points, like what to do when you can't make it to your shift. After two hours of going over everything, there was to know about the program they had gotten the grand tour of the hospital.

Seattle Grace was a big hospital that had grown over time. New wings were added to the original structure, making it hard to navigate from department to department. If you knew your way around the maze of hallways, you could make it from the surgical floor to radiology in under five minutes. If not it could take up to twenty minutes. Their tour guide hadn't been the best at explaining how every department was connected through doors that only opened with their badge.

He had shown them the intern looker room. It was a sad uninviting room. Four rows of white banged up lookers with a narrow wooden bench in between them was the main furniture in the room. A men's and women's changing room with showers and bathrooms was on opposite sides of the room. The looker room was for all interns that started that year and was located near the surgical wing. They all had gotten a looker, a pair of light blue scrubs, a white coat and a tablet aa well as a personal pager. Meredith frowned a little at the lack of her name on her coat. She was used to wearing her name on her coat as well as wearing regular street clothes under it. Her residency director back at home didn't like the look of scrubs outside the OR on his residents. He had told them on their very first day that the look of scrubs could very easily be unprofessional and he preferred they wore regular professional clothes with or without a white coat in the clinic or during rounds. All the residents at Seattle Grace wore scrubs, even the attendings wore scrubs. Meredith had always liked scrubs as they felt like wearing pajamas to work, but she had understood why her former director had insisted they dressed up. She always used clothes to make herself look older so that patients would actually accept her as the doctor and not just some youngster pretending to be one. The scrubs, sneakers and a white coat look took away at least two additional years of her age.

Meredith tied her trusted OR sneakers, put on the nameless white coat, clipped the pager on her waist and placed her stethoscope around her neck. Everyone was chatting, excited to meet their resident for the coming year. She had been assigned to a Dr. Bailey, apparently, they were called the Nazi by the other residents. She could only imagine what kind of person would get that nickname. She had started talking to an Asian woman named Cristina. She had been assigned the locker next to hers. The woman had wild curly black hair that she managed to tie together at the back of her head with an elastic. Both of them had noticed the lack of women in the program. She too would be in her intern group. She seemed intense, really driven to get into the best surgeries and eager to jump right in the job. Meredith liked her. She reminded her of her younger self. Maybe she had to channel her inner younger self to be excited at the prospect to perform minor medical tasks on patients again. She had a hard time coping, for her it seemed like she had lost a whole lot and had gained nothing in return.

"O'Malley, Yang, Grey, Stevens." A male resident was calling out her group of interns. It was time to meet the Nazi. He pointed to a small black woman who was standing at the nurses' station waiting for them. Meredith was surprised when she saw her resident. She didn't know what she had expected but she hadn't expected that. The woman looked nothing like a Nazi and all her assumptions couldn't be farther from the truth. Meredith was in for a treat, she was sure that you didn't mess with Dr. Bailey when you wanted a chance to survive your intern year.

"That is the Nazi?" the only male intern of her group asked. It was the one that had been staring at her last night. He had introduced himself as George and had started an uncomfortable conversation with her and Cristina before they had been called. "I thought the Nazi would be a guy."

A blonde woman with her hair elegantly put up in some kind of updo and a pair of reading glasses on top of her head pushed passed them. "Maybe it's professional jealousy. She is brilliant and they call her the Nazi because they're jealous. – Maybe she is nice."

Meredith rolled her eyes. There was no way that the fierce-looking woman who was currently glaring at them because they took too long to come to her, was known to be nice.

"Let me guess. You're the model," Cristina voiced Meredith's thought. She watched as the blonde strode up to their resident held out her hand and introduced herself with her nickname. What followed could be foreseen from a kilometer away.

"I have five rules. Memorize them." Dr. Bailey glared at every single one of them stopping at Izzie. "Rule number one. Don't bother sucking up. I already hate you. That's not going to change." She pointed at the stuff at the nurses' station. "Nurses will page you. You will answer every page at a run. A run! That is rule number two." She had moved along while they followed her. The interns hurried after their resident as she walked across the walkway that connected two different parts of the hospital. "Your first shift started two hours ago and will last 30 hours. You're interns, grunts, nobodies, bottom of the surgical food chain. You run labs, write orders, work every third night until you drop and do not complain." Dr. Bailey opened a door to an on-call room. "On-call rooms. Attendings hog them. Sleep when you can, where you can." She closed the door behind her and kept moving. "That brings me to rule number three. If I'm sleeping, don't wake me unless your patient is dying. Rule four: The dying patient better not be dead when I get there. Not only will you have killed someone, but you also woke me for no good reason. We clear?" They hurried down a flight of stairs. Dr. Bailey was exactly the way Meredith had expected when she first saw her.

"You said five rules?" Meredith asked rushing behind her resident that didn't seem to stop anytime soon, "That was only four." Just then Dr. Bailey pager went off as if it was planned.

"Rule number five. If I move, you move."

Dr. Bailey had lead them into a trauma room where a team of flight medics brought in a fifteen-year-old who was continuously seizing. The room was in chaos. Dr. Bailey barked out orders to her interns who were too overwhelmed by the situation. Nurses were rushing in and out of the room. The patient was still seizing on the bed. Meredith was in her element. It was the first time in over a week that she was in the action. She moved the patient to her side in order to keep her airway clear in case she threw up. She corrected the leads that George had wrongly attached and put in an IV access. Katie, the patient, finally stopped seizing after another dose of Diazepam. They had been thrown right into the cold water. Meredith assumed that Bailey hadn't planned to have them deal with a pediatric case on their first day.

Each intern got their assignment for their first shift. Meredith was put on Katie Bryce duty. At first, she had been delighted that she had an actual patient to take care of instead of running laps or doing rectal exams all day, but then she had met Katie. She was a full-on fifteen-year-old. She was more concerned with the fact that she was missing her pageant than that no one seemed to figure out the cause for her seizures. On their way to CT – Meredith had to take the long way because no one told her about the shortcuts – Katie chatted about her talent for the pageant. She was exhausting and was testing Meredith's patience. The CT scan came back clear and so did her blood work and every other typical test they did. Meredith took her to every test the attending had ordered. By the time they were done Meredith felt more like a cruise director than a doctor. At least she got a firsthand look at the test results and kept checking her internal list to what could possibly be wrong with the girl. She presented the results to Dr. Bailey. When she asked her why they didn't run a CT angiogram to rule out a bleed, she was dismissed for asking questions that she didn't know anything about.

Meredith checked on Katie after she had discussed the results with Bailey, as much as she annoyed her, she was all alone in the hospital. She had been airlifted from Spokane and her parents were still driving the long way to Seattle. While she was updating her electronic chart her parents arrived after a long car ride across the state.

"Katie, honey, Mom and Dad are here. Katie?" her mother said, rushing to her daughter's side.

"The seizure medications make them a little groggy at first, it's normal," Meredith tried to ease her parent's fears, that their daughter wasn't responding.

"Will she be all right?" her mother asked.

"Our doctor said that she might need an operation. ls that true?" the father asked simultaneously.

"What kind of operation? What is wrong with her?"

"We are doing everything in our power to figure out the cause for your daughter's seizures. Why don't I get the attending so he can go over everything with you," Meredith explained exiting the room. She had to stop herself, it wasn't her place to update the parents, to give them information so they could make some sense out of the situation. That was someone else's job. Dr. Shepherd was listed as the attending on the case. She was just trying to figure out how to locate someone she had never met before when Dr. Bailey walked by.

"Dr. Bailey." Meredith stopped her.

"What is it, Grey?"

"Katie's parent's just arrived. They have questions for Dr. Shepherd. Do you know where I can find him?" She asked her resident.

Dr. Bailey looked ahead at a group of attendings dressed in dark blue scrubs and white coats. Meredith followed her gaze. "He is the new head of neurosurgery. He's the one with the perfect hair," Dr. Bailey huffed disapprovingly. The hair, she had pointed out, was too familiar to be someone she had never seen before. As if he had heard them talking about him, a familiar face turned around. What were the odds that the guy from the bar would be a doctor and her boss?

"Thank you, Dr. Bailey," Meredith replied walking towards the group of attendings. She dreaded the conversation that was about to happen.

"Excuse me, Dr. Shepherd, your patient's parents have questions," Meredith approached him.

"It's Dr. Shepherd now?"

"It is your name, isn't it?" Meredith challenged, slowly walking towards Katie's room.

"Yeah, but …" he started.

"There is no 'but'. We are at work. Katie Bryce's parents are here, they have questions and you have the answers," Meredith interrupted him.

"Are you pretending that last week never happened? I am hurt." He flirted.

"I am not pretending anything. Talking about last week would be highly inappropriate, don't you think?"

"You took advantage of me in my vulnerable state and now you want to forget."

"I took advantage? Excuse me? You're the attending, I'm an intern at the hospital where you hold a position of leadership. Who took advantage of whom now? You see why this can't happen. It would be highly inappropriate and could have detrimental consequences for either of us, " Meredith argued.

"You are no fun."

"I'm plenty of fun just not at work. So Katie. Why wasn't a CT Angio ordered?"

"The CT was clean, thus there is no need for a cranial angio. So you're a doctor, huh?"

"Obviously. You are deflecting. I think she should have an angio." Meredith claimed.

"As you just pointed out so cleverly, I'm the attending and you're the intern. You are new to the game and I have years of experience. But if you come up with a valid reason why a fifteen year with clean scans needs a CT angio we can talk about it," Dr. Shepherd shut her up.

Meredith was speechless walking into Katie's room. "Mrs. and Mr. Bryce, this is Dr. Shepherd the head of neurosurgery and the attending on your daughter's case." Meredith introduces him and with that, she left the room. He had shut her up just as Bailey did when she had asked her about it. He had been dismissive and too preoccupied with her as a woman than as his student. She was greatly disappointed. How was she able to explain to him, that something she couldn't put her finger on, told her that Katie needed that test. She always had that, she subconsciously processed information that resulted in 'feelings' that later turned out to be right. She had learned to trust her subconscious. Back home she could just go out on a wimp and order whatever she deemed necessary but in Seattle, as an intern, she couldn't. Welcome to the bottom of the food chain.

While Meredith was busy dealing with Katie and Dr. Shepherd, the other interns were more concerned with the fact that someone would be performing their first surgery today. Meredith had heard about programs where they would throw one surgical intern under the bus to teach all of them a lesson. She never had experienced it herself. Rumor had it, that one attending would pick the intern that showed the most promise to perform a simple procedure. When in fact they would pick just a random intern to be their example.

George O'Malley was this year's victim, he had apparently pissed off Dr. Burke in his wooden awkwardness. He would be down in the OR on a silver platter for all his pears and bosses to see.

All the surgical interns were cramped in the gallery, howling and betting on whether he would pull it off or not. The test was designed to be failed. Meredith had never operated in a hospital with a viewing gallery before. Whenever she had wanted to watch a surgery she either was invited into the OR itself or had to observe from the scrub room.

All day long she had noticed small or bigger differences between the systems and hospitals. She had observed how they did things differently, how many more tasks nurses were allowed to do with each patient. What her fellow interns were lacking in years of experience in patient care and medical knowledge, she lacked in navigating through an entirely different health care system. It would take some time to fully arrive in the American structure.

As she had expected, George chocked in surgery, being yelled at by Dr. Burke for his incompetence, which was more than unfair. Before she could see the full after mess of the drama in the OR she got paged to Katie's room. She ran as fast as she could to be met by a perfectly fine Katie, who was bored by the choice of the available entertainment program. Without a comment, Meredith checked her chart and her vitals and walked out of her room to meet the other interns in the tunnels.

Cristina had discovered the tunnels when she got lost on her way to the lab. The tunnels were much more comfortable than the uninviting looker room.

They had only survived a third of their first shift so far. They sat down on the vacant hospital beds, ate chips and drank coffee in order to stay awake. George had found out about his new nickname and was upset that he would never see the inside of an OR again. Izzie was disgusted by all the rectal exams she had to perform. Cristina was annoyed that she didn't get into an OR yet and Meredith was fed up with Katie. At her age, she had been already one year into attending college classes and was planning to move abroad. And all Katie could think about was the stupid pageant she was missing. George was contemplating his life choices when Meredith pager went off again. It was another 911 for Katie. Meredith sighed, she was tired and she didn't want to deal with the teenage stupidity. There was nothing she wanted to do more than to ignore the page, but she had learned the hard way to never ignore an urgent page or call. There was no way of knowing what kind of scenario awaited you before you got there. False alarm or not. So she ran, again. Up, four flights of stairs. At times like these, she praised whoever started her on running.

This time it wasn't a false alarm, this time it was real. Katie was having another grand mal seizure. Nurses were already in the room trying their best to help the patient. It took Meredith less than two minutes to get to the room.

"Fill me in," Meredith demanded. Her mind was going 200 kilometers per hour, she was ready. She had done this, thousands of times.

"She's having multiple grand mal seizures. She's got Diazepam. Two milligrams Lorazepam. l just gave the second dose. And it's not working." The nurse told her.

"Let's try phenobarbital," Meredith ordered.

"Pheno's in."

"Good. Did you page Dr. Bailey and Dr. Shepherd?" Meredith asked.

"No change."

"Give it another thirty seconds to work before we try anything else. Could someone put the tracing pads on, please? Just in case." Meredith asked watching Katie's heart rate on the monitor.

"We paged both of them."

"Good, page them again until they come," Meredith said. Meredith frowned when Katie didn't stop seizing. "Push another milligram of Lorazepam and two of Pheno."

"Yes, doctor," a female nurse responded. Katie became limp as soon as they administered the combination of medication. There were ten seconds of silence before another nurse announced: "We lost her pulse!" Meredith wasn't too surprised there had been signs on the monitor that this might happen.

"Let's call a code, start chest compressions and bag her," Meredith ordered, laying the bed flat with the emergency release. A nurse started compressions while another bagged the patient. A crash card was pushed in the room and the code blue alarm alerted to Katie's room. All of a sudden she was running a code when she was called to treat a seizure. There was a line for CPR building behind the nurse that was currently doing chest compressions. "Pulse check."

"Still no pulse."

"Is there any rhythm?"

"We have PEA."

"Okay, push one mg of epi and continue," Meredith ordered while watching the monitor above the bed. "Hold compressions. Okay, we have v-fib. Charge to 300." Meredith ordered, luckily Katie has already had the shocking pads on.

"Charging."

"Everyone clear."

"Still v-fib."

"Charge again. 360." Meredith ordered.

"Charging."

"Clear!"

"We have a pulse and sinus rhythm," one of the nurses announced. Meredith breathed a sigh of relief. It was always difficult to run a code, let alone on a fifteen-year-old.

"BP is coming up, heart rate is stabilizing."

"What the hell happened here?!" Derek came rushing into the room.

"She had a grand mal seizure resulting in cardiac arrest," Meredith explained.

"She had a seizure and then her heart stopped? You were supposed to be monitoring her."

"I was monitoring her, I checked on her twenty minutes ago. And everything was fine."

"I got her. Just … Just go." Derek said checking up on Katie.

"You know as well as I do that you can't predict undiagnosed seizures or any kind. She had two mg of Diazepam, two of Lorazepam, two of Pheno and a combination of Lorazepam and Pheno. And it barely worked. She is a ticking time bomb," Meredith defended herself throwing her gloves in the bin by the door, turned around and left the room. Unbelievable, kicking her out when he was the one not answering his pages.

"Someone open her chart." She heard. On her way out she ran into Dr. Bailey who gave her a lecture about paging her the second she got a page and what it meant to monitor a patient. The facts that there had been no time to personally page her or that she had checked on Katie twenty minutes prior weren't of relevance. Meredith was done for the night. She dutifully charted the code report in Katie's chart at one of the work stations on the floor and left. She was going to find an empty bed in an on-call room, trying to catch some sleep in between her checkups on Katie.

* * *

Meredith sat outside the hospital on a park bench with a giant cup of black tea, trying to catch some vitamin D. She had been awake for hours, had pre-rounded, on all her patients, answered some emails, studied and read some medical articles and was now waiting for rounds to start. She had caught some interrupted sleep last night in between the hourly checkups on Katie. The jet lag had woken her around four-thirty, she had tried to sleep some more but her body wouldn't let her. After she had checked every item off her to-do list she had gone outside. Seattle had presented itself from its good side, in the week since Meredith moved here it had only rained once. She had sat down to catch the early rays of sunshine, before disconnecting herself from the outside world for the next eight hours. She needed some peace and quiet to recharge her batteries and clear her head. The sound of her cell phone disrupted those twenty minutes of peace. The nursing home called, to let her know that her mother hadn't eaten anything over the last twenty-four hours and that she wasn't taking her meds. Meredith frowned, she was still new to the role of a caregiver and didn't really know what was expected from her. "I'll give you permission to tell her anything so that she will eat," Meredith told the lady on the phone.

"Dr. Grey, she's telling everyone that she is waiting for you to come. We tried everything in the books. We all think it would be best if you could come. It is always hard to get the patients settled in the first months and your mother just came to our facility a week ago." The lady on the phone told her.

"Listen, I can't come. I just started a new job and I can't just go because she is refusing to eat. I have patients. She is in a home for a reason. I uprooted my entire life to be here for her but I'm not going to come whenever she wishes. I know that sounds a little harsh or cruel but trust me if you knew the backstory, you would understand. I'm permitting you to do whatever you deem medically necessary. I'll try to be there as soon as my shift ends, in the meantime please keep me updated if anything should change for the worse," Meredith explained the lady, who seemed to accept her reasoning even though Meredith could feel the judgment through the phone. She ended the call her eyes closed exhaling deeply. She was looking forward to the time when things had settled down with her mother, who was bringing her close to a mental breakdown.

"Hey," someone said extremely close to her. Meredith flinched and almost fell off the bench.

"Jeez, you scared me half to death," she exclaimed. "You can't do that!"

"Good morning to you too, Dr. Grey." Derek greeted her.

"So much for peace and quiet." Meredith glared at him. "What do you want?"

"Someone got off on the wrong side of the bed," he chuckled, clearly enjoying himself. "Or you never went to bed. You know you should sleep when you can. Intern mistake."

"Oh, I slept. In between checking on Katie hourly. Just as I did yesterday, but hey just doing my job here. Speaking of which I have rounds, and heaven forbid I'd be there. I might piss someone off because I am doing my job," Meredith said her eyes sparkled with anger. She got up and walked towards the employee entrance leaving a stunned Derek on the bench. Usually, Meredith wasn't an angry person but ever since her life had turned upside down she got annoyed so easily. Derek had made it up on the list of things that annoyed her, pretty fast.

A couple of hours later Meredith was paged to a conference room. When she arrived the room was packed with all surgical interns. All looked tired and stressed. She doubted that half of them actually slept last night. Cristina sat crossed-legged on a cabinet suturing a banana. Meredith let herself fall on the cabinet next to her. Meredith had been running labs ever since rounds. Her work wasn't fulfilling and just took a lot of time to complete. She was very much unchallenged and bored. Whenever she had waited for the labs Meredith had snuck in some study time, to do something useful with her time.

"What are you doing?" She asked Cristina.

"Suturing a banana with the vain hope that it wakes up my brain," Cristina replied without looking up. George started to laugh. "What are you smiling at, 007?" Cristina bit back, which shut him up instantly. "I am sorry I get mean when I get tried."

"Did you get any sleep last night?" Meredith asked.

"Not really. I missed my window of opportunity and then it was too late," Cristina replied suppressing a yawn.

"That sucks. Anybody know why we're here?" Meredith wanted to know, it was unusual to have all interns off the floor in a conference room. Just as she had asked Dr. Shepherd walked in the room.

"Hello everyone, I'm gonna do something rare for a surgeon. I'm going to ask interns for help. I've got this kid, Katie Bryce. Right now, she's a mystery. She doesn't respond to our meds. Labs and scans are clean, but she's having grand mal seizures with no visible cause. She's a ticking clock. She's gonna die if I don't make a diagnosis, which is where you come in. l can't do it alone. I need your extra minds, extra eyes. I need you to play detective. I need you to find out why Katie's having seizures." He looked around the room in the tired faces of the interns. "I know you're tired. You got more work than you could possibly handle. I understand that. I have an incentive. Whoever finds the answer rides with me. Katie most likely needs surgery. You'll get to do what no interns get to do: Scrub in on an advanced procedure," some of the faces lit up by the thought of scrubbing in on neurosurgery. Meredith was annoyed, she knew what he was doing, it was a cheap move to utilize them for his research work. She hadn't seen the inside of an OR in over a week and she was missing it, but she wasn't so desperate to let her annoyance towards Dr. Shepherd go so easily. She was way past that point in her career to be motivated by the prospect to hold the suction or a retractor. "You can access Katie's chart with your tablets. The clock is ticking fast. If we're gonna save Katie's life, I need ideas and answers soon." People started to scatter out of the room looking at her tablets finding a place to come up with a diagnosis. As Meredith left the room Cristina came hurrying behind her.

"Hey, I want in on Shepherd's surgery. You've been Katie's intern since the start. Do you want to work together? We have a 50-50 chance of scrubbing in."

"I'll work with you, but I don't want in on the surgery. You can have it," Meredith said as they walked towards the research library. She was sure that she wouldn't find the answer there and that she just needed to realign all the pieces she already had to figure out the puzzle.

"Are you kidding? It's the biggest opportunity any intern will get."

"Exactly, intern." Meredith huffed silently, "I don't want to spend any more time with Shepherd than I have to."

"What do you have against Shepherd?"

"If we find the answer, the surgery is yours. Do you want to work together or not?"

"Deal."

They sat in the library between two rows of shelves. Cristina was listing every option that could cause seizures, while Meredith tried to remember every detail that Katie had told her since she came here. She knew the answer had to be somewhere.

"You are seriously not going to tell me why you won't work with Shepherd?"

"No."

"No white count, not CT lesions, no fever, nothing in her spinal tap. Just tell me."

"You can't comment, make a face or react in any way," Meredith told her. "He is an arrogant idiot who can't admit that I did something right and we had sex."

"What about an aneurysm?" Cristina asked. Their brainstorming went on for some time. Meredith told Cristina about the pageant and her very important talent when it finally hit her.

"Come on, we need to find Shepherd," Meredith jumped up and dragged Cristina after her, on their way back to the surgical floor Meredith explained what she had figured out.

"The only possible thing she would need is an angiogram," Cristina concluded.

"I know." Meredith was fuming inside, she had asked about the angio yesterday.

They finally found Dr. Shepherd at the elevators. They presented their theory about the potential ruptured aneurysm. That she fell while practicing for the pageant. She let Cristina do all the talking, not trusting herself to not cause a scene. He was hesitant to believe their theory because the probability of a minor fall rupturing an aneurysm was unlikely. The doors of the elevator closed and both interns were left standing in front of the closed doors. Meredith was certain that this was the correct diagnosis, she just knew it. She was disappointed in him as a doctor and a teacher. She had liked him as a person, they had a great conversation and lots of fun the night at the bar. But the more she worked for him the more he turned out to be a massive egotistical idiot. He was arrogant and dismissive and sucked as a teacher. Cristina was disappointed as well she had seen herself in the OR already. The elevator dinged and Dr. Shepherd stepped out, surprising both interns.

"Let's go."

"Where?" Cristina asked.

"To find out of Katie is one in a million."

Katie had the cranial CT angio done and the radiologist confirmed that their diagnosis had been indeed correct. Katie was suffering a subarachnoid hemorrhage, a small bleed that resulted from a ruptured aneurysm. Dr. Shepherd had picked her to scrub into the surgery and walked away before she had a chance to protest. Cristina had walked away angrily as soon as he had picked her. Meredith was furious, she had been on the hunt for him for the last hour. She had been paged to other patients who were in desperate need of some intern work, unfortunately. She had drained some nasty infected abscesses and placed two central lines all while keeping an eye out for him. She had finally located him in pre-op where he was getting ready for Katie's surgery.

"Did you know that being a bald beauty queen is the worst thing that ever happened in the history of the world. I had to promise to make her look cool," Derek said when he saw Meredith. "Are you ready?"

"I am not scrubbing in. Cristina is scrubbing in. She really wants it and it's a great opportunity for an intern."

"Meredith …" he looked at her baffled but she stopped him.

"Are you clipping or coiling?" She interrupted.

"Clipping. You're Katie's doctor. And on your first day, with very little training you saved her life," Derek tried to persuade her.

"Listen, I appreciate the gesture but after all, you are only clipping an aneurysm. Trust me you don't want me in your OR right now. I'm not your biggest fan at the moment."

"I'm getting the vibe that you are mad," Dr. Shepherd observed, "You don't have to give up the surgery you know."

"It's not about the stupid surgery for goodness sake. You don't see it, do you?"

"See what?"

"That you haven't really won teacher of the year today. You used us for your research purposes because you couldn't figure out what was wrong with Katie. When all you needed to do was order one simple standard test. A test, I specifically asked you about yesterday, and you completely dismissed me. Because you were more interested in flirting with me than actually acknowledging me as a doctor? Or because I am an intern? Or both? You can't tell me that you don't know that imaging can be falsely interpreted and that such small bleeds can be missed on a CT scan. And then you yell at me because her heart stopped and I reacted appropriately? That is not okay. You can't yell at me because I was doing my job correctly. You can yell at me all you want if it's appropriate. I've been on Katie's case since she came here, I checked on her hourly, brought her to every test, took her history and talked to her parents. We never once went over her history or her lab results together, we never went over her CT results. I notified Dr. Bailey about the results, who isn't really a neurosurgery resident. I'm just the cruise director or the mailman. But I'm not, I have a doctorate in medicine, I studied to be here, so that someone like you or Bailey can teach me," Meredith let out her anger. "You are at a teaching hospital now. Not some private practice in New York, where you know your team and the patients that come in. It's like your residency but now you are the one teaching. You work with doctors who graduated med school two months ago. Scalpel crazy, overconfident, hopelessly overwhelmed interns are running free in this hospital as of yesterday. You are their teacher now. You are supposed to guide them in the right direction, answer their stupid questions and teach them how to be a great physician. You are in charge of shaping a new generation of surgeons. Guide them, listen to them, explain your thinking process. You owe it to them and your patients. I'm positive that you will do an amazing job once you figure out how to do it. That you will become a great teacher and mentor if you leave your private practice attitude behind. And focus on what is at stake here. If you had considered my suggestion, you could've had Katie diagnosed and in surgery yesterday. Good luck in surgery, Dr. Shepherd," Meredith turned around leaving him speechless in the pre-op area.

* * *

A week later Meredith was running along the unfamiliar roads of Seattle, which had become her workout gym. It was her first full day off since starting as an intern at Seattle Grace. She had survived the first week.

Meredith jogged along some unknown streets, she had no idea how far she had gone so far and she didn't care. For the first time in two weeks, she felt like she had things somewhat under control.

Somehow she had made it downtown. It was still relatively early in the morning and people dressed in business entire were walking to their respective offices. It was a side of Seattle she hadn't seen yet. The sun was out and after a week of rain, it looked promising that it would be a nice warm July day. Her phone rang. Meredith was the type of person who never liked taking her phone out on a run, running was her me-time where she disconnected from the world. In Seattle, she had gotten lost a couple of times already. She stopped, fishing the device out of her pocket. The quirky picture of a young woman that greeted her made her smile. She answered and turned around heading back in direction of her current home.

A call from one of her best friends was exactly what she needed. They had been playing catch 22 over the last weeks. The nine-hour time difference made it challenging to maintain any relationship, adding their crazy work schedules to the mix didn't make it any easier. She missed her former life, her friends and her job.

The sun was warming her skin as she talked to her friend for a long time. She got caught up on everything that happened ever since she left Munich and let out some of her built-up frustration.

"Ich weiß nicht was mit los ist. Du kennst mich, ich hab noch nie meine wirklich meine Klappe halten können. Normalerweise warte ich ein paar Wochen bis ich die Katze aus dem Sack lasse. Nein, erster Tag und ich stelle mich vor meinen Chef und erkläre ihm, dass er ein scheiß Lehrer ist. Voll mit allem drum und dran, ich hab mich null zurück gehalten. Und eine Woche davor trinken wir zusammen shots und landen im Bett. Was ist nur aus meinem Leben geworden? Ich will wieder zurück, zu euch und zu meinem Job und in meine Wohnung. Weg von all dem Anfängerspiel," Meredith complained to her friend, who gave the appropriate response. As they talked Meredith tried to find her way back home. Nothing around her looked remotely familiar. "Ich glaube ich habe mich schon wieder verlaufen. Auf jeden Fall habe ich keine Ahnung wo ich bin und wie ich wieder zurück nach Hause komme," Meredith laughed. She had expected that response from her friend. They knew each other for years, ever since Meredith had come to Munich. Since Meredith had been so young everyone around her had tried to look out for her. Unfortunately for her they never stopped looking out for her even when she was now a grown-ass adult. At some point, she had found some building she recognized from her previous runs and found her way back home after running a refreshing 20 kilometers. That day she went to bed lighter than she had in a long time, ready to conquer the next week of her residency.

* * *

1/18/20

This will be the last chapter of this story that will follow the happenings of show more closely. I watched so many "doctors react to Grey's Anatomy" episodes on YouTube that I just needed to "fix" it. My Meredith is a strong independent woman that doesn't get intimidated easily. She speaks her mind and is not afraid to call certain people out on their bullshit.

For everyone that couldn't understand the German conversation part. It is not important to the plot, it is only there to show the change that Meredith's life has taken. She just recaps what happened with Derek and tells that she doesn't know who she is anymore and that she misses her old life.

Thank you for reading. Thank you to all who followed or favorited the story and/or left a review. Please let me know what you think. Read you soon.

Next up Meredith's backstory.


	4. Chapter 4 - Boston

Welcome back! Hope you enjoy!

**Chapter 4 – Boston**

Meredith was barely four when she watched her first surgery. Her mother was a surgical resident at Seattle Grace. One of the rare women who choose medicine and then surgery. Meredith didn't like that her mom was working all the time. She would have preferred her mom at home like all her friends' moms. That she would take her to the park, bake cookies with her and tuck her in at night. But Ellis loved her work, she was ambitious and driven. She loved her daughter, but she loved her job even more. Her husband had taken over the role as a caregiver, caring for Meredith, cutting back on his hours as an assistant professor. Nonetheless, Meredith spent a lot of time at the hospital, it was her second home. She colored in the OR gallery and played hide and seek in supply closets mostly by herself.

One day she was sitting in the gallery, coloring on the back of an old ER chart when she lost interest in her crayons and started watching what was happening down in the OR. She observed her mom performing surgery, it was gross and bloody but somehow she found it intriguing. How they worked down there to save a life, every single person had their part to do, like a choreographed performance. Her mother in the lead role. In that moment Meredith decided that she wanted to do the same when she grew up. It was her best-kept secret that she never told anyone.

A little less than a year later Meredith's parents split up. One day her dad never came back from work. He didn't tuck her in that night or any night after. Her last ever memory of her father was from that morning when he had poured her a bowl of cereal before getting her ready for kindergarten. Shortly after her mother moved them to Boston where she kickstarted her career as a brilliant innovative general surgeon. Ellis bought a nice house in Boston's suburbs, hired an au pair for Meredith and signed her up for first grade in one of the best private schools in the area. She was cared for in the sense that she had everything she needed, a home, an education and someone who took care of her.

Meredith loved her first au pair. She was German and barley an adult herself. She took her to school and picked her up. They would play games and would discover their new city together while Ellis would spend hours in the hospital operating and striving to win award after award. It was during their first year in Boston that Meredith was the happiest. She loved to learn and she excelled in school.

Meredith got easily bored during her classes. She would start to act up whenever her brain wasn't satisfied. She would boss the other kids around to play her made-up games. She would ask questions way above her grade level, would challenge her teachers and get into arguments with the other kids that didn't care about the things she asked. Her teachers soon discovered Meredith's potential and her drive to soak up any new information. By the end of the year, they suggested that Meredith should advance into third grade instead of second.

Anna, her au pair, made sure that Meredith could still be a kid. They played 'play pretend', ran around in the back yard, colored and cuddled whenever she wanted to.

Meredith's world came crashing down, the day Anna had to leave her. She had already extended her visa to the maximum so she could stay longer with the little girl that had no real advocate beside her. The rules of her au pair program enabled her to extend any further, separating the two. Meredith was crushed, cried for days and held on to Anna's old pillowcase wherever she went. Ellis wouldn't or couldn't understand Meredith's grieve. She hired a new au pair. A nice young French girl that didn't have the ability to connect with Meredith as Anna had. Ever since then Meredith never bonded with anyone on that same level ever again. She became guarded and rarely let anyone see the real Meredith.

A lot of au pairs stayed with the Greys over the years. All took care of Meredith to the best of their abilities. They were all kids themselves and Meredith was challenging, she had special needs that needed to be met. She was like a sponge, soaking up all kinds of information. She needed to be challenged on a daily basis or she would find something herself that would satisfy her never-ending thirst for knowledge. Like taking apart the VCR or mixing different chemicals making them react in various ways. Her curiosity was insatiable. She was very smart, too smart for her own good at times.

Her mother would take her on trips and show her the world whenever she spoke at a conference. Meredith would roam around foreign places all by herself while her mother would talk about medical advances. Meredith studied new cultures and tried to learn their language so she could at least say hello to the people on the street. Her favorite trips had been the ones when she was able to see Anna in the process. They had stayed in touch, so when the opportunity presented itself that they could meet they would. Meredith was always over the moon whenever she was able to see her.

Meredith started High School by the age of eleven, by that time she had already been on an IEP for two years. Her teachers had tried to stall her advancement so she would have an easier time making friends and fit in with her peers. She would have individual classes where she studied Latin, Ancient Greek, Chinese, Spanish, French, and German, but also advanced science, economics, and statistics. They tried their best to keep her satisfied, without withholding her the opportunity to attend regular school.

Meredith graduated High School with honors months before she turned sixteen. During her senior year, she had already only taken college classes at Harvard and interned as much as she could, to figure out what she wanted to do with her life.

Her relationship with her mother was pretty much non-existed. Meredith hadn't had an au pair or any kind of childcare since she was twelve years old and was very self-sufficient. She did her own laundry, made sure to have food on the table and managed her social life on her own.

Junior and Senior year, Meredith was in full teenage mode. She got into a lot of trouble, as much trouble you could get with your rich upper-class friends who are all much older than you. Ellis had been called more than once when the police had picked her up at a party she wasn't supposed to be at because she was way too young to attend. Meredith was the type of person that could talk herself out of trouble, by the end of the cruiser ride home, she was debating the officers about the state of the American prison system. Ellis wasn't impressed that she had been called out of surgery once again. She tried to parent her but had no leverage. She hadn't parented Meredith once in her life, she had always left this task to someone else. She had been absent and distant, she had yelled at her and belittled her, but she never tried to parent her. Starting to parent a fourteen-year-old, with perfect grades was an almost impossible task.

A week after receiving her High School diploma Meredith announced that she would be moving to Munich to attend med school the coming fall. Ellis had forced Meredith to go to the annual hospital summer gala once again. She was asked by one of her mom's colleagues what she was planning to do now that she had graduated high school. Meredith had always found the question extremely annoying. They first started asking her when she was eight. Of course, she didn't really know back then. The answer had always been the same. She didn't know yet. It drove her mom crazy, whenever she answered that way. So it became a game for her.

* * *

Secretly she had been working on a plan to move abroad. She wanted to pursue medicine, she knew that. But she wanted to distance herself from her mother's name. She was her own brilliant person, her mother had nothing to do with the person she had become or the fact that she was choosing medicine. If all, her mother was the reason why she had interned for politicians, journalists, engineers, entrepreneurs, and lawyers. She had hoped she would find something that interested her as much as the human body did, but was greatly disappointed when it always came back to medicine.

The technical advancements had given Meredith a lot of new opportunities to satisfy her never-ending thirst for new information. She would spend hours on her computer reading scientific articles about the newest research. She would watch documentaries. Through skype and myspace she could stay in touch with friends on the opposite side of the globe much easier. And she loved it.

After Anna had gone home she had gotten a spot to study medicine in Munich. It had been a total coincidence that she was an au pair for a doctor while planning on becoming one. During their bi-weekly skype sessions, Anna had told Meredith about her experience in university and residency and how much she had loved it. Two years before her announcement Meredith had asked Anna if there would be a possibility for her to study abroad. It was something that Meredith had thought about for a long time.

Both of them had secretly worked to make Meredith's idea become a reality. Anna had connected Meredith to the right people. Meredith had taken all the required tests to be eligible for a spot. It wasn't easy as an international student but 'not easy' never scared Meredith. The system was different, a lot different from the American system. Deadlines were different, getting a spot was solely merit-based, your grades counted nothing else. She had to compete with all the other international students to get one of the few spots available to them.

Later that year she had sent out her application, with her SAT score and all the credits she had collected over her years in High School. Mid-August just before her senior year she had gotten an acceptance. Meredith, the fourteen-year-old, High School student got accepted into med school in Munich for the very same year. After long calls with the dean and student services, they had come to a solution. They had guaranteed her a spot for the next year. Since Meredith had already collected all required credits to graduate High School, she would take all her first-year classes at a local college to start as a second-year when she was ready to move.

During that year she had sorted out her student visa, the living situation, and the finances all without the knowledge of her mother. She had needed her mother's signature for multiple forms. Ellis had signed them without once looking over what she was signing.

* * *

Meredith told her mother's colleague about her future plan with Ellis standing right next to her hearing about it for the very first time. Her mother's jaw dropped to the floor when she heard what Meredith was planning to do.

The night of Meredith's announcement things got very heated between the Grey women. They fought for hours until things evolved into a more civil conversation in the early hours of the next day. Ellis was hurt and ashamed, that Meredith would withhold such information from her. But she was secretly impressed by the young woman her daughter had become. Meredith explained her reasoning, her calculation, her coming living arrangements and had an answer for every single question that had come up.

That summer Meredith moved to Munich. She moved in with Anna and her husband, being a fifteen-year-old med student was hard enough, moving country was hard enough, living by yourself was hard enough. Combining all those had been no option for either party except for maybe Meredith.

The first few months in Germany Meredith struggled. Culture shock, language barrier, homesickness while managing university and living in a new city. Meredith had been studying German for years. She had great grades, but she soon came to know that knowing a language on paper is far different than actually having to use it daily. Her first introduction to the German health care system had been during a required nursing internship she had to complete before starting her classes in October. She tried her best to communicate with her colleagues and patients and had struggled greatly. By the end of the internship, she was comfortable with German small talk.

When Meredith had decided she would be moving she hadn't thought about the fact that she would be only turning sixteen. With her birthday in September, she was at least able to make some decisions for herself. None the less different rules applied to her because of her age. She had longer lunch breaks, was only allowed to work fewer hours and needed her mother's signature for everything. Just around her birthday in the last week of September, her mom had come so she could officially accept her spot, her mom had to be there and sign for her.

Living in Germany was different, back in Boston Meredith would be able to drive. Stores were opened until ten or later and on every day of the week. People drove everywhere. Colleges had campuses with housing, dining halls, and meal plans. Alcohol consumption would be illegal until she was twenty-one.

In Bavaria, Meredith wasn't allowed to drive for two more years but was allowed to order a beer when she went out. People used public transportation or the bike to go places. University buildings were spread throughout the city, there was no campus, with walkways and trees. They didn't have housing, local students either stayed with their parents because the rent was so high or rented whatever apartments they could get their hands on throughout the city and the surrounding areas. Rent prices were high. Stores closed at eight and never opened on Sundays.

She was the barley sixteen-year-old attending third-semester classes with far older classmates. She was the new one, the one that was far too young to be there, the foreigner, the one that not only got a spot but had skipped the entire first year. The university had given her a buddy so that she wouldn't be too lost in figuring everything out. She was grateful. Navigating through the different buildings in different parts of the city was a challenge on top of everything else.

All her classes but one was held in German. She was able to understand most of it, language and material wise. But until she had formulated a question or the answer to what had been asked, they had already moved on. In class, the professor would explain a biochemical process for instance and asked a question. Meredith knew the answer but wasn't fast enough to come up with the appropriate German answer in time. It frustrated her, she wasn't used to being the quiet one in class. Her pears and some professors doubted her right to be there. She thrived in her only English class giving her the confidence she needed to get through the hard part. She deserved to be here.

Anna was a lifesaver, she encouraged her when she was down. The bond they had formed when Anna had been her au pair was still strong. Anna could read Meredith like a book and vice versa. Through her, she found friends outside of school and something to do besides studying all the time.

Over the time she caught up, she got faster and started to answer and ask questions and pointed out mistakes. She started to communicate with her fellow students, her buddy asked her to join their study group. She was finally making some friends with her pears. People started to see past the obvious age difference and saw her as just another med student that just happened to be sixteen and American. Meredith had always been more mature for her age and always got along better with people much older than her. Kids her age never understood her.

By the summer semester, she had finally fully arrived, in the city and in school. That fall they had their first big licensing exam coming up. They spent hours upon hours in the library studying for the exam. One of the requirements that Meredith was allowed to study abroad was that she would simultaneously get her American license, that she could return stateside for her residency. So while her friends were preparing for the Physikum, Meredith was also preparing for the Step 1exam. She and her group of friends had planned out their summer, a mixture between studying and activities. By the end of her first year in Munich, Meredith had moved into an apartment with three of her best friends from school.

Her mother had insisted that she would come home for parts of the summer. So while her friends went to Italy, Meredith flew back to Boston. During her stay in the states Meredith spent half of her time in Countway Library, the other half she spent with the few childhood friends and her mom. Ellis had taken take time off, to spent with her daughter, but was called into the hospital regularly. They had their disagreements but they had got along better than ever, distance actually made the heart grow founder.

Meredith came home with brand new research, not yet published papers and the newest medical books in her suitcase that would help her pass both tests. Separating both exams was complicated, during their study sessions Meredith would switch language depending on what she had been studying before confusing her friends. She soon was known to be a bottomless pit of knowledge. People, she had never talked to, came to her and asked questions about things they didn't understand.

Over the next three years, Meredith spent time in the hospital as well as in the classroom learning about every single part of the body, every chemical reaction, and every single disease and condition. She loved it and she thrived. For the first time in her life, Meredith had her boredom under control. Whenever it would creep up she would join a new research group or add another rotation to her schedule. She was busy and she loved it.

Meredith had a very busy social life as well. She skipped nonmandatory classes regularly to chill at the Eisbach in the English Garden with her medical and non-medical friends. She went out multiple times a week, joined some sports club and on the weekend explored what the area had to offer.

Those who had doubted her belonging in the program had quickly changed their minds. Meredith had aced not only her the first German licensing exam but also the Step 1. Through the grapevine, she had heard that she had one of the highest test scores from everyone who took the tests that year. It was nothing she promoted but it was something that even Ellis was openly proud of back home.

The surgical education director of her school who happened to teach preclinic anatomy the year Meredith began her journey in Munich had been her biggest critic ever since she first stepped into his lecture. He had questioned her in front of everyone just to prove that no sixteen-year-old American would succeed in this program. He had made the class a living hell for her, to prove his point. He hadn't counted on Meredith's stubbornness and her ability to not be intimidated by verbal belittlements. If all it made her more stubborn. There was nothing in the world anyone could tell her that would make her quit.

After suffering through the fundamentals of clinical medicine in her first clinic semester, Meredith got to finally move into the interdisciplinary basic year of clinic. That year she got to dip her feet into, what it meant to actually practice medicine and she thrived. She tried to keep an open mind when it came to specialties she wanted to peruse. She hadn't been dead set on becoming a surgeon when she decided medicine as her career, but the more time she spent in internal medicine the more she was sure that she needed the thrill of an OR. In the end, she needed to decide between three specialties that all intrigued her the same. Meredith was happy, she loved her life.

On the first day of her surgical rotation, she amazed her resident and her attending with the detailed and precise knowledge she had, about the surgeries they were performing that day. She was matched with the general surgery department for the week. Unbeknownst to everyone did Meredith spent more hours in the OR gallery waiting for her mother than any ordinary surgical resident would ever. And she had heard her mother speak about the procedure countless times while attending medical conferences. Ellis had pioneered the technique and had won her first Harper Avery Award for the procedure that Meredith was observing on her very first day on the surgery rotation. Not a single person had made the connection between the Grey the technique was named after and the one standing in the OR. And if they did, they didn't care to mention it.

The more time the Grey women spent apart the better their relationship became. They made it a habit to talk at least once a week if their busy schedules allowed it. Ellis had set up subscriptions to all the major medical journals for Meredith. It happened from time to time that Meredith was more caught up on the most recent research than her attending or professors. It was a way for Ellis to make sure that Meredith didn't completely forget about the states, she still hoped that Meredith would come back stateside for her residency. Meredith was finally building a relationship with her mother after so many years of emotional abuse and neglect. All it took was for her to move halfway across the globe.

When she finished her first surgical rotation, the surgical education director had approached her apologizing for giving her such a hard time back when she could barely formulate a smart well-articulated German sentence. After an interesting discussion, Meredith had turned her biggest critic into one of her mentors.

Meredith graduated with honors at the tender age of nineteen. Six months after graduation – just after her twentieth birthday – Meredith handed in her dissertation. She spent six months of her practical year at John Hopkins, where she took the Step 2 exam. Back in Munich, she defended her dissertation earning her doctorate in medicine before finishing her practical year.

* * *

2/8/2020

Thank you for reading! Please let me know what you think, I love to read your feedback. I'm sorry that it has been a while since the last update. I had the flu and it sucked. I wouldn't recommend getting it.


	5. Chapter 5 - Conference Room

**Chapter 5 - Conference Room**

Out of the 168 available hours in a week Meredith spent about 95 at the hospital working.

Almost two and a half months into the internship at Seattle Grace and Meredith would describe herself as physically and mentally exhausted. She barely slept more than four hours a night and that rarely in her own bed. Sleep was a foreign concept to her and how she functioned was a mystery. She had barely time to shop for groceries or do the laundry as it was. Whenever she wasn't working she was either at the nursing home to deal with her mother or she was at home catching up on sleep or studying or writing or working from home. At times she questioned if she was putting too much on her plate.

The hospital had become the place in Seattle she knew the best. Other than the people at her mother's nursing home and the occasional chat at the grocery store check-out line, the people at Seattle Grace were her only social contact to the city she lived in. Back in Munich, she had enjoyed a thriving social life with both medical and non-medical friends, who were always up to do something. In Seattle, however, her social life was dead.

Two weeks into their training Alex Karev had joined Bailey's interns. He wasn't really keen on Meredith or anyone for that matter. And nobody really liked him either. He hadn't started on a good note with the nursing staff or the Chief. He was overly confident for just having graduated from med school. He strode around like he owned the place. He was arrogant, entitled and in general insufferable. Cristina had dubbed him evil spawn and the nickname described him perfectly.

Izzie and George had moved in with her. The idea of roommates had overcome a sleep-deprived Meredith some night as she sat alone in the big house's kitchen going over finances. She had lived with people for most of her life. The house was big and expensive to maintain for one single person on an intern salary. Money wasn't tight yet, Meredith still received her German paycheck until September but the move had ripped a giant whole into her savings. And with earning significantly less for the foreseeable future and a list of upcoming expenses she decided to rent out some rooms. That two members of her intern group would move in hadn't been the plan. Meredith had regretted her decision as soon as both had moved in. They were loud and happy people who didn't fit into Meredith's current mood at all.

Meredith had moved into the room with the on-suit bathroom, unpacking her two suitcases worth of belongings. There she spent most of her time at home, studying, writing or catching up on sleep. She hadn't bothered to do anything to the house before Izzie and George moved in. Her mother's packed boxes were stored in the office space of the house - untouched. Izzie had tried to unpack some of her mother's stuff without Meredith's permission, which had led to the first fight amongst the roommates.

Izzie was overly perky and got way too invested with her patients. She was always happy and wanted to be friends with everyone. In August she had thrown a chaotic house party that had ended in a catastrophe that Izzie didn't even attend in the first place.

George was a sweet, shy and a somewhat insecure guy. The happenings of the first day had chipped away even more of his confidence. But he was a good doctor. Meredith was pretty sure he had a giant crush on her but she didn't recuperate the feelings. The three of them were the weaker links of their intern group.

Cristina and Meredith had clicked instantly. She was just as dark and twisty as Meredith. Cristina was a shark that knew how to get what she wanted. She was confident but her confidence was supported by knowledge, talent, and ambition. Cristina was her person. Meredith was certain that Cristina awaited a bright future in medicine. Cristina loved cardiothoracic surgery, it was all she wanted to do – operate on the heart. Her knowledge of the area was enormous. Meredith wouldn't be surprised if Cristina would end up as one of the great cardiothoracic surgeons in the country.

Dr. Bailey was just as demanding as Meredith had excepted on her first day. She had a way about her that even the attending physicians feared her. She had the Chief's seal of approval. She told them regularly how much she hated them, but Meredith suspected that deep down she somewhat cared for her interns. Those were the people she spent all of her time with.

For the next months, the five of them would be rotating through different surgical departments with Dr. Bailey as their demanding resident. Some of them would work the day shift, others at night, some in the clinic others on the floor but they would always be on the same service. No matter what their interests were or if they got along, they had been thrown together at the beginning and for the first six months of their internship, they were suffering together.

July the five of them spent on the General surgery rotation. The first two weeks were mostly in the skills lab. While her intern colleagues were still enjoying the novelty of the white coat, happy for every ounce of responsibility they got, Meredith was moping. She suffered through the hours of lectures and the bi-weekly mandatory skill labs, in which attendings or residents taught them basic surgical skills like suture techniques, central lines and parts of simple procedures. She always kept in the back of the room her tablet prominent on her desk so she could study, read medical journals or do research to keep herself preoccupied while the preceptor corrected the work of her colleagues. Meredith's technical skills were excellent, too early in her life had she learned how to use a scalpel or a suture kit and had perfected the art of different surgical knots and sutures. Growing up in the hospital waiting for their mother to finish work did that to a child.

It had taken two weeks before any of the interns were allowed to set foot into another OR. They had been drilled through skill labs and lectures and had been told to observe a certain amount of mandatory surgeries from the galleries in order to be eligible to be invited into the OR. While the surgeons downstairs performed a simple appendectomy she watched complicated surgical streams from back home on her tablet, collecting her mandatory hours. Meredith was glad that she had the digital technologies to help her keep her sanity.

During the last two weeks on the general surgery rotation, they were able to observe simple surgeries in the OR. While the others were excited to be in an OR able to watch first hand, Meredith dreaded the hours in which she stood in the back on a step stool so she was able to see. As she stood there for hours watching or holding a retractor, she saw valuable time - that could be used more efficiently - slip away.

August they rotated through the cardio service which made Cristina very happy. The hours were grueling, especially at night. Meredith spent hours in the cardio ICU watching patients' vitals to determine if they needed further intervention or not.

Work was very time-consuming. She had always loved her job, had loved to learn new surgical techniques and had loved to be at the forefront of medicine. Meredith had never minded staying longer after her shifts for her professional development, had thrown herself into situations so she could learn more, her goal always in sight: use every opportunity to soak up knowledge. For the first time in her life, her professional growth was stalling. She was exhausted and bored out of her mind at the same time. The boredom was fatal, more often than not did she miss something the attending told her because she was thinking about some new idea that had popped into her mind. Her experience alone prevented her from making any grave mistakes.

She had continued to prefer charting at night. Whenever she was on call she would camp out in the OR gallery clicking the boxes on the electronic chart. Electronically charting was more time consuming than the traditional way. Everything needed to be scanned and labeled, every step needed to be documented, that there wasn't a lot of time to write notes in the patients' charts. This is what she did at night. The gallery was quiet and mostly empty and the perfect place to work undisturbed until her pager called her to a patient. Over those two months, she had developed a routine. Whenever she could Meredith tried to catch a couple of hours of sleep very early in the night. Around midnight she would move into the OR gallery or an empty workspace and work on emails and research until four in the morning to get to pre-rounds. It was exhausting but those four hours of actual grown-up work gave her the motivation to fight through all the intern tasks she had to do.

All in all, Meredith wasn't in the greatest mood, she still tried to wrap her head around her mother's diagnosis and with every visit at the nursing home she got more and more depressed. Normally she would throw herself into her work to shut up her mind but work wasn't doing that to her anymore, frustrating her even more. The only thing that kept her sane was her running. She ran whenever she could, before and after shifts. She put on some impressive mileage for the little time she had on hands.

* * *

It was nighttime at Seattle Grace. The hallways were brightly lit and the patients' rooms dark. Meredith was on call again. She was working a night shift for the entire surgical department. All her patients were asleep and needed no further intervention and so far no one from the pit had needed her for a consult.

Meredith sat in one of the residents' workspaces on the surgical floor, with her laptop next to one of the old stationary computers. Her proximity cluttered with candy wrappers. She was answering emails, writing referrals for some previous patients of hers and looked at follow up MRI and CT scans. She worked through her emails as they came in, while simultaneously working on finishing writing a research paper, working on a couple of presentations and studying.

Only one more week of pretending until she could catch a break. The flight was booked, the exam date scheduled, she was listed to work and speak at an international medical conference. Somehow she had convinced the Chief that she needed two weeks off to deal with a personal matter, he had not been very amused that one of his interns would be absent from work for two weeks, but he had finally given in. That those two weeks would change her entire career path at Seattle Grace was unbeknownst to him.

Meredith sat on one of the old spinny chairs hugging one of her legs to her chest, sipping the tea she had made herself an hour ago. She starred at the scans on her laptop screen while she listened to the voices coming through her laptop speaker. She was attending the monthly neurosurgical tumor board meeting via video call, discussing different cases and whether they were eligible for surgery or not. She had full access to all scans and lab reports through the server. They discussed a lot of cases, some were Meredith's old patients she was looking after for years with recurring tumors others were new ones they would be operating on while she would be in Munich. Those meetings always ran incredibly long. The discussions were very insightful and Meredith loved the brainstorming process but she was running out of time. She had half an hour to get ready to hand the service over to the day shift and they still had three more cases to discuss. She started exing out already finished documents while listening, thinking about how she was living a double life. She just talked through complicated neurosurgical plans and summited a research paper and now she was giving up her big girl pants to sit at the kids' table delivering labs.

Ten minutes until she had to meet Bailey for rounds and they were still discussing the last patient. It was uncommon for even senior residents to be allowed to attend the meeting let alone give input on cases others than theirs. Meredith had been attending those meetings for the last two years and she was a valuable member, she didn't want to skip the last patient but if she would be late for rounds she had hell to pay.

"Meine Damen und Herren, ich muss Sie leider verlassen. Auf mich warten wichtige Laborberichte und Patientenakten, die vervollständigt werden müssen. Und wenn ich nicht in sechs Minuten fertig zur Visite bin kann ich nicht garantieren, dass ich es in einer Woche lebendig nach München schaffe." Meredith joked.

„Kein Problem Meredith. Melde dich wenn du noch fragen hast dann können wir nochmal darüber sprechen. Wir sehen uns dann am 21."

„Genau. Ich melde mich. Ciao." Meredith ended the call, grabbed her laptop and her bag, turned around and almost ran into someone as she hurried out of the room.

"Oh sorry."

"You speak German," Derek declared the obvious.

"I know, something wrong with that Dr. Shepherd?" Meredith asked walking to the intern looker room. Derek Shepherd was walking with her, a cup of coffee in one hand, his briefcase in another, his hair as perfect as ever, his face freshly shaved wearing dark jeans and a light blue button-down shirt.

"Not at all, Dr. Grey."

After her first shift Meredith had tried very hard to avoid him. Her rotations and schedule allowed her not to interact with the handsome neurosurgeon. Her behavior hadn't been her best and she was not sure what repercussions she would face after their conversation before Katie's surgery. She hadn't planned to talk to him that way that day, but somehow it just broke out of her – she blamed her mother. They hadn't talked since, whenever she saw him she tried to disappear and whenever he saw her he sent her glares. There were no more flirtations between them. If Meredith was honest angry Dr. Shepherd was even hotter than regular Dr. Shepherd.

She had watched Katie's surgery from the gallery and she had to admit that he was an excellent neurosurgeon, but she hadn't regretted her decision to not scrub in. He had the potential to be a not just one of the greats in his field but to really impact young surgeons' lives if he would let go of his ego. If she would have been in a different position she would have killed to be able to operate with him. At times she snuck into his gallery for some of his interesting cases to get her neuro fix. Her intern colleagues had started to praise his great teaching methods and attentiveness for what they had to say, a couple of weeks ago. Neuro had become one of the most thought after rotations within mere weeks. Meredith secretly took some credit for this development.

The last two weeks Meredith spent on his department's service, living her personal hell. She was assigned to a third-year neurosurgery resident that knew half of what Meredith knew. She was constantly biting her tongue, not to slip up. Early on in the first week, she had stepped on the resident's toes when she ordered the 'wrong kind of pain medication', that opioids for that kind of injury were ineffective knew only those who kept up with the newest research. She had been researching that topic for the last years and was ready to present her final results at the upcoming medical conference. She hadn't yet had the chance to scrub in with Dr. Shepherd on his flashy complicated tumor removals or nerve repairs. All she got to do was stand in the OR watching some second or third class neurosurgeon clip a simple aneurysm. She reluctantly stood there for hours watching them work while she went through complicated procedures in her head.

"You are going to be late for rounds," he stated.

"I still have three minutes. I think can manage, Dr. Shepherd."

"You better not be late, Dr. Grey."

"I'm not going to be late," Meredith raised her eyebrows.

"Good. And remember clinic starts at eight, don't be late."

"I'm not going to be late," Meredith repeated as she reached the intern looker room.

"Great," Derek shrugged and continued to walk to his office.

Meredith shook her head and entered the room. The intern looker room was filled with tired faces. Where a couple of weeks ago everyone was excited to start work, now reality and exhaustion had set in. Meredith shoved her bag and laptop in her crowded looker, put on some deodorant and took the last sip of the black tea out of her reusable cup. She redid her ponytail and was ready for rounds.

"Where have you been, Mer. You missed pre-rounds," Cristina appeared next to her.

"I know, I was busy," Meredith put on her white coat and slammed her locker shut.

"Busy doing what?"

"You know, doing my thing," Meredith went her a knowing look, clipping her hospital ID to her white coat.

"That thing other than the intern thing," Cristina was the only person who knew Meredith's secret. She had noticed Meredith always being on her iPad and the mysterious phone calls in the middle of the night during those long nights in the cardio ICU. During Izzie's house party, both had gotten incredibly drunk and Meredith had spilled the beans. Cristina had taken it surprisingly well, given how competitive she was.

"Grey, Yang, you coming?"

During rounds the lack of sleep became noticeable. Maybe instead of working through the night, Meredith should have slept. She had a clinic day today and would be off by two which would conclude another 24-hour shift.

Dr. Bailey and her group of interns rounded on half of the patients on the surgical floor. One of them would be in charge of taking notes on the mobile computer they brought into the patients' rooms. The used to call them cows, computers on wheels until a patient overheard them thinking they were talking about them. So the computers got renamed to wows, workstation on wheels. While Izzie, Cristina, Alex, and George tried to impress Dr. Bailey and the respected attending with their knowledge, Meredith took the notes. She was a passive participant on rounds – like she always was. She answered the questions she was asked always correctly, presented the cases and completed her assignments without complaint. Meredith was doing 'Dienst nach Vorschrift' a German phrase which described only doing the bare minimum to stay in the program but not going the extra mile. She was a shell of herself, long gone was the kickass ambitious surgical resident she once was. She had a hard time keeping her mind from wandering to complicated brain tumors.

"Okay people, you know what you need to do, go find your attending and please remember what I taught you. Don't embarrass me," Dr. Bailey dismissed them in her usual manner. The intern disbursed into their respected directions, leaving only Meredith and Cristina.

"God I'm so tired," Meredith yawned.

"Have you been working all night again?" Cristina asked as they walked up the stairs to the neurological wing.

"Yes. It's the only time I get anything done. And it's the only satisfying thing I get to all day. I can go home at two. I'm in the clinic again," Meredith suppressed another yawn.

Cristina rolled her eyes. "How fun – clinic work. To be honest nothing neurosurgical is really interesting. So poor us," Cristina rolled her eyes. Meredith laughed. Cristina didn't like neurosurgery. She felt about this field of surgery like Meredith felt about cardio. "Do you think you can make lunch? It's the only thing I look forward to nowadays."

"I don't know. I see if I can squeeze in a trip to the cafeteria in between patients," Meredith replied. They reached the point where they would separate paths. Cristina would head to the surgical floor to observe and assist surgeries while Meredith would see patients in the outpatient clinic. It was her second day in the clinic. What she saw in the clinic always varied. She met with new patients did their first assessment and took a thorough patient history. She followed up on post-up patients and did pre-op appointments. She spent fifteen minutes with each patient before she handed off the case to a more senior physician. In between patients she charted and prepared for the next patient. Clinic work wasn't bad, the day was clocked through and there wasn't a lot of time to do anything other than seeing the patients. Similar to her first day with Katie, Meredith got a chance to see the patients independently and take in their stories.

Around ten Meredith had seen six patients already. She had seen three post-ops follow-ups, a patient with a nerve injury and two non-surgical patients. None of which interested her. She was starving but had no time to grab something to eat.

She finished her notes for her last patient before checking who she was going to see next. A three-year-old who had started to experience focal seizures first in her leg and then in areas of her mouth and her arm. She had had a CT done that showed a brain abnormality, the doctors of the referring hospital had also ordered an MRI. Both three months old scans, an EEG as well as an earlier brain biopsy were sent over by the neurologist who had referred Jamie to Seattle Grace.

Meredith met with the parents and Jamie. She did the standard exam on the toddler while the parents explained the situation. They were worried and Meredith understood why – during those short twenty minutes she spent in the room Meredith witnessed five seizures.

"Is there any attending who specializes in pediatric neurosurgery or seizure disorders?" Meredith asked a nurse back at the front desk.

"No, not really. That depends on what it is. Has your resident seen the patient already? Because they will decide who the case belongs to," one of the nurses told her.

"No, he hasn't. If I think my patient needs an MRI with deep sedation what would I tell the parents?"

"You tell them anything. It's not your job."

"So I let them wait. Can I at least talk to someone from radiology or anesthesiology so that they are ready when whoever is in charge decides she needs the imaging?" Meredith asked.

"No can't do that either."

"Is there anything I can do?"

"You can see the next patient."

Meredith sighed and buried her face in her hands.

"Is everything okay?" Derek asked.

"Nothing is okay."

"Okay?! … What's up?"

"I can't do anything. It's frustrating. Even though I'm pretty sure I know what the next step is." Meredith said frustratedly.

"Would you mind filling me in?"

"I wanted to book an MRI with anesthesia for a three-year-old, but I can't because I'm an intern and my resident hasn't seen her yet."

"And why would you like to book that test without your resident knowing."

"Because I know that as soon as anyone sees her or reads her file they will want her to have an MRI. And since she is only three …"

"And you know that how?"

"Because I do. She presents with focal seizures. Her previous CT and MRI show inflammation of the brain and the previous biopsy confirms that there is encephalitis. The scans are three months old, so in order to see if there is any atrophy, we would have to see her brain again. Hence the order. And the sooner radiology knows the sooner they can prepare and the sooner Jamie can have her scan and the sooner we know if we deal with Rasmussen's or something else. But since we have this stupid electronic system I'm not able to do anything." Meredith put the tablet a little harder than intended back on the counter.

"I don't like the system either, but breaking the tablet won't break the system," Derek joked.

"Funny," she replied dryly.

"Could I see the old scans?"

"Sure," Meredith opened the file on her tablet and showed them to the neuro attending.

"You can call radiology and give them a heads up," Derek said after reviewing the scans for a minute, "but don't tell the parents anything until your resident was in."

"Thank you."

"No problem and please don't break your tablet."

The rest of her shift Meredith was seeing patients back to back without a break. At three she finally left the hospital after 25 hours and virtually no sleep to visit her mother for an hour. The visit was disheartening. The Alzheimer's was progressing so rapidly that she could watch her mother decaying in front of her very eyes. In the beginning, she would still recognize Meredith regularly. But those moments became less and less. Today Ellis complained about her idiotic daughter for thirty minutes, while Meredith listened. She told her how she would never make it in life and if she ever would make it to medical school she would fail in the first year. Meredith knew it was the farthest from the truth but hearing her own mother tell her that again and again was still very hurtful. She said her goodbyes after an hour and went on a long run to get everything out of her head. That night she actually slept for eight hours.

Bright and early Meredith entered the hospital the next day. She pre-rounded on the neurosurgical patients and prepared for rounds. Neuro rounds weren't that bad, but as everything neurological very time-consuming. They rounded for two hours seeing patients, documenting their progress and discussing the further course of action. As an intern Meredith stood quietly in the corner and listened to whatever was being discussed, only speaking when she was addressed.

Twice a week after rounds, they would debrief in a conference room using a just seen case as a teaching opportunity for fellows, residents, and interns. Those sessions saved Meredith some studying time for her upcoming exam. Most attendings sat in on the lecture when they didn't have a surgery scheduled. Everyone was able to pitch in with ideas or ask questions. They were discussing two cases today, one trauma case that came in a week ago and presented with internal decapitation, the other was Jamie's case.

After they studied the first case for an hour, a fellow started to present Jamie's case. He showed the old and the new scan and proceeded to tell them that Jamie had Rasmussen's and the only curative option was to perform a complete hemispherectomy as soon as possible. Meredith's eyebrow rose as she listened to the assessment. The fellow concluded his presentation and opened the case for questions. While some asked questions about the procedure Meredith studied Jamie's recent scans and numbers. Meredith raised her hand and waited to be called on while reviewing the brain biopsy results.

"Dr. Grey."

"How did you come to the definitive conclusion that the patient has Rasmussen's when the brain biopsy only concluded some form of inflammation and the new scans showed neither atrophy nor a significant disease development?"

"I don't understand your question."

"Given the data, there is no way to diagnose the patient with Rasmussen's at this point and suggesting a hemispherectomy seems a little radical."

"All medical evidence suggests that we are dealing with Rasmussen's. We want to stop the focal seizures that are happening at almost a consistent level and a hemispherectomy is the golden standard. Since the patient is still so young the lasting effects of the procedure would be less significant as in an older child."

"I know. But we live in the twenty-first century and cutting out half of a brain seems … I don't know … kind of barbaric to be honest if we have no way of confirming the hypothesis of Rasmussen's. She is still going to be blind in one eye and could have significant developmental delays and long-lasting effects because of potentially unnecessary surgery. The EEG shows that only three main areas of the brain are affected. There could be other options."

"There are no other options. Our goal is to stop the seizures. To do so we have to go with the only available option," Derek jumped in to save his fellow.

"There is at least one. For years Rasmussen's – or what doctors believed to be the disorder – has been treated with the very aggressive approach of a hemispherectomy. But recent research has shown that the disease is not that black and white. There are studies of seizure disorders that act like Rasmussen's without being it. Inserting a neuro pacemaker to send an electrical current to the affected areas can reduce seizure activity and contain whatever is causing the change of brain tissue. This device is not only treating but also recording the seizure activity giving us more data to decide a long term treatment plan."

"I have never heard of that."

"Just because you haven't heard of it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist," Meredith argued, "They are recorded cases. Hopkins, Mount Sinai, Children's Hospital Boston, King's College Hospital, Berliner Charite, they all implanted those devices, with great results."

"Thank you, Dr. Grey. Moving on" Derek huffed. "Any other questions?"

Meredith just looked at him shaking her head. She was shocked, he had dismissed her again. Ten minutes later they finished their meeting and Meredith was about to head out after her colleagues to get out of the room as fast as possible when Derek signaled her to stay. When everyone left he closed the door and turned to her.

"What the hell was that?" Derek asked.

"I threw in a new idea to potentially better the quality of life of a three-year-old."

"You are supposed to ask questions about the treatment and not question the treatment plan."

"Was I so wrong? There are medical advances and just because something was the golden standard a year ago doesn't necessarily mean that it is the only option today."

"There is no guarantee that it will work …"

"Fifteen minutes ago you didn't even know there was another option. You haven't even looked into it. There are no guarantees in medicine."

"You shouldn't have thrown that out there like that. You should have come to me first. You are an intern."

"I thought that was partly the reason for the meeting. To discuss cases and get new input. No matter who throws that input into the mix. I didn't go and tell the parents, I brought up an idea in a room full of neurosurgeons. There shouldn't be any problem here."

"Why are you like that?"

"Like what?"

"So angry and argumentative?"

"I'm not angry," Meredith snorted.

"Then what is the matter with you? I know that the internship is exhausting and that you are incredibly busy, but you got into one of the best surgical programs in the pacific northwest."

"Of course I'm angry. I have a lot of reasons to be angry. I pitch a cutting edge, state of the art approach and nothing. No matter what I do – nothing. So why should I do anything?"

"Every time you were asked to scrub in last week you stood in the OR looking like it was the most boring thing you have ever seen. Maybe people would take you more seriously if you would take the job more seriously,"

"Excuse me, are you observing me?"

"Yes. It's part of my job to evaluate my students and give recommendations based on their performance. While your intern colleagues fight tooth and nail to get into an OR, you play cruise director. Volunteering to work in the clinic, covering post-ops and pre-ops. I see nothing that would convince me that you want to be here and learn. You care about your patients I can see that. And what you pulled earlier confirmed that. And to be honest I have no idea how you know the stuff you know. But this is a surgical program. You are here to learn how to perform surgery. On your very first day, I handed you the opportunity to watch an advanced procedure on a silver platter and you declined."

"Silver platter my ass. Sorry, but I watched from the gallery and Cristina stood in the very back for three-quarters of the surgery, you let her watch when you closed. That is not special treatment, that is kind of an insult."

"Excuse me? You are interns, there is not much you can do at this point."

"I'm well aware of the fact that I am an intern," Meredith threw her hands in the air.

"When I first met you in the bar, you had fire and drive, all of that is gone. Instead, you are this shell of a person. I am concerned, Meredith. What I have seen so far, I'm not so sure if you are the right fit for this surgical program – or any. For the last two months, you walk the halls of this hospital like you are a zombie, doing whatever you've been asked to do. You have shown no desire to get into an OR, you never ask to scrub in, we basically need to beg you to join us," Derek gestured. "I don't know if you choose surgery because of your mother but maybe you should start thinking about finding a different specialty. Because you don't have what it takes to be a surgeon."

"What are you going to do about it?" She challenged.

"For now I'm not doing anything, but I will keep watching you. If it comes to it I will go to the Chief and recommend that you are released from this program," his pager went off, "And now I'm going to go operate," Derek explained.

"Fine." Meredith spat out. Derek left the conference room ignoring Meredith's last remark.

Meredith couldn't decide if she should be angry or hurt by what just transpired. Hearing that someone else other than her mother thought that she didn't have what it took to be a surgeon was harsh. She had reached a new low since moving to Seattle. Trapped in her pretend life that was her new reality. Meredith let herself fall into a chair, contemplating what to do next. Her cellphone rang four times before she realized that it was ringing.

"Meredith."

* * *

2/15/20

Thank you for reading, following, favoriting and reviewing. It makes me very happy to see that people are enjoying my story. Please let me know what you think. My Grey's universe is a little (a lot) different from the existing one. It makes sense to me and I hope it makes sense to you as well. Have a great week.


	6. Chapter 6 - New York

Welcome back! As always I'm just borrowing exciting characters to use them in my work of fiction. Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 6 - New York**

Derek sat at his desk working through the mountain of paperwork that came with his new job. His office was rather small compared to what he was used to. In New York, he had a corner office on the twenty-fifth floor on the upper east side overseeing Central Park. In Seattle however, he had an office with a small window that was big enough to let in some natural light. The space was just big enough so he could meet with patients and do his paperwork. Back in New York, he had an office manager who took care of most of the administrative tasks. He had underestimated how much paperwork came with the position as chief of neurosurgery. All of a sudden he was in charge of six attending neurosurgeons, three fellows, 12 residents, rotating interns, and an entire nursing staff. He was responsible for work schedules, budgets, and lectures. Once a week he met with the other department heads and the hospital administration to talk shop.

Derek loved to operate, the OR was his happy place, fixing people was his superpower. He had taken the job as head of neurosurgery because he liked the sound of it, not thinking what it actually entailed. It had been years since he had worked in an academic setting. Right after his fellowship he had joined a private practice. He hadn't worked with interns or residents in over five years. It was a much more complex task than he had thought. It was something he hadn't anticipated to that extend when he accepted the offer.

His life as a successful neurosurgeon had been pretty comfortable in New York. Only one weekend-call shift every six weeks and one overnight shift every 10 days and every Friday he went home at noon. He had picked up golf soon after he had joined the practice and spent most of his free time on the golf course or with his nieces and nephews, who adored him.

Derek had met Addison at Columbia med school. They were in the same year and had attended some classes together before they started dating. In the summer between their third and fourth year, they had gotten married. They had stayed in New York for their residency. Both training at NYU where Richard had been their residency director before he returned to Seattle Grace to take over as Chief of surgery. They were dubbed the power couple by their friends, with both going into surgical fields at one of New York City's best hospitals. He had few contacts outside the medical community, all his friends were either from med school or residency and all four of his sisters were either doctors or studying to become one.

At some point, life had taken over. After residency, both were very focused on advancing their respected careers. Both joined thriving renowned private practices in the city. They bought a Central Park Brownstone, they hired a cleaning lady, ate out at fancy restaurants every night, attended galas and fundraisers. Earning so much money that they didn't know how to spend it, they bought a summer house in the Hamptons, spent money on fancy clothes and traveled to luxurious places for two weeks a year while pretending to be a happy couple.

Derek had thrown himself into his work, soon he had become the best neurosurgeon of his practice earning more and more money and gaining a reputation outside his work bubble. He consulted all over New York and was happy with the way his career had taken off. The thought of leaving his practice hadn't crossed his mind until Richard offered him the position as chief of neurosurgery and hinted that he would be retiring soon. The thought had implanted itself into his mind. Derek couldn't stop thinking about potentially becoming Chief of Surgery of a major hospital at such a young age. When he walked in on his soon to be ex-wife and Mark that fateful night doing the unthinkable in his master bedroom he instantly decided to take Richard up on his offer.

Two and a half months into his new position and things finally started to fall into place. He saw the potential in which direction the department could develop and ever since he worked tirelessly to build a cutting edge neurosurgical unit. His goal was to establish Seattle Grace as the neurosurgical destination in the pacific northwest or even on the west coast but he had long ways to go.

While he had finally fully arrived professionally he graved some human interaction outside of the hospital. He had turned his life completely upside down. No more sports cars, no more overly expensive designer clothes, no more cleaning lady and no more central heating. Derek had bought a significant piece of developable land. The property was partly covered in woods, had lake access and one of the best views over Seattle. There he lived in a trailer in the middle of nowhere. Somehow he had managed to get running water, electricity and a somewhat decent internet connection to the mobile home. He had built a deck around the trailer where he spent his summer evenings, drinking beer, grilling fish and reading non-fiction. He went fishing and on hikes whenever he found time.

The loneliness was getting to him. Having grown up sandwiched in between four sisters with Mark always around and getting married in med school, Derek never spent much time by himself. For most of his life he had grown up in New York, he left for college but returned for med school and stayed thereafter. Most of his friends were still out east. They also were his and Addison's friends. The only friend that he had taken into his marriage was Mark, he had been the best man and his partner in crime since they were in elementary school. Mark had always been a womanizer and far more popular with the ladies for most of his life. That he would ever use his charm on Derek's wife was the most hurtful thing of the entire situation. Richard had invited him for dinner a couple of times which was painful to attend since he and his wife were going through a rough patch as well. He had tried to grab a beer with Dr. Burke, Seattle Grace's topnotch cardiothoracic surgeon but soon realized that he was deemed his competition in his eyes. He had stopped trying after a silent night at Joe's. Other than that he spent most of his time alone.

His people called him on a regular basis but he most likely ignored their calls. He didn't want to listen to his sisters apologizing on Mark's and Addison's behalf, justifying their actions and persuading him to come back home. He wanted to talk to neither Mark nor Addison and at some point, both had stopped calling him. The only call he picked up was his mother's and that only out of obligation. He talked to her every Sunday for fifteen minutes and that was all he allowed. They all wanted him to come back to New York and labeled his move as an early sign of midlife crisis.

But Derek couldn't come home. As much as it had hurt to walk in on them, it had lifted an incredible weight of his shoulders. A weight he didn't know was there until it was gone. He hadn't seen it at first but the more time he spent in Seattle the more he recognized the guy he used to be. He may have been absent in his marriage and that's why his wife decided to cheat on him. But Addison wasn't the only one who had something to complain about. His marriage had slowly chipped away pieces of himself. All of a sudden he did things he had never wanted to do. He joined the rotary club because his father in law insisted that he did. He had bought a house in the Hamptons because Addison wanted to, even though he hated the Hamptons. They traveled to expensive hotels with spas and never did the things he enjoyed. Now with a little distance, he could see how truly unhappy he had been.

It had been ten weeks since he had sent out the divorce papers to Addison. She had received them but that was about the reaction he got concerning this topic. She had tried to call him on multiple occasions at all hours of the day, but he refused to talk to her. They were communicating through their lawyers. All he wanted was to close that chapter of his life, he was willing to give up almost everything he owned just to have his peace. Addison, however, wasn't accepting the end of their marriage so easily. She was willing to talk about divorce if all other measures had been exhausted. She wanted them to go to marriage counseling. At some point in the future, there would be a trip to New York for Derek, but at this point, he wasn't willing to make it happen anytime soon and there was no other option for Addison. They were at an impasse. He had accepted his situation and was willing to make the best out of it even though he was still deeply hurt by the betrayal.

He had cut as many ties to the city as he could. He had sold his thriving part of the practice to his former employee who had been working for him for years now. It may seem radical but he knew it was the right thing to do. For him, there was neither a future with Addison nor in New York. That train had left the station years ago and neither had realized that they were living two completely different lives, with different goals, wishes, and interests and were slowly killing each other in the process. Coming to that realization was liberating, he could finally breathe deeply again. If only Addison felt the same way. But she refused to see that moving on from the past eleven years would be beneficial for either of them.

Derek had been skeptical when he moved to Seattle. He as a New Yorker had been programmed to not love anything but the big apple. But Seattle had positively surprised him. Seattle was young and progressive and very technical affine, with having Microsoft, Amazon, and Boeing in the city. The city had a lot to offer for culturally interested people but also to people how loved to enjoy the outdoors. So far he hadn't regretted his decision to venture so far outside his comfort zone.

The last months had been all about leaving his comfort behind and jumping into new responsibilities. One of those responsibilities was teaching. He had a week to acclimatize to his new position before the hospital went into survival mode. July traditionally was 'new intern month'. The month in which statistically the rate of medical errors increased, nurses were the most stressed and newly hired department heads realized what the job entailed. The first day he had been naïve about the situation, proud of his new title he expected to be respected and that the interns followed his and his surgeons' instructions to a tee.

First-week interns had certain things in common. They were overconfident, scalpel hungry, timid and overwhelmed all at the same time. They rarely did anything right on their first try and mostly ran around like chickens with their heads chopped of. They all came from different medical schools and a standard protocol of care needed to be established so all of them worked according to hospital guidelines.

Hospital staff prepared for weeks for that day. It always was mayhem. So they mostly gave them jobs they were familiar with: scut work and research. The instructions were simple: Run tests, monitor patients, draw blood, insert IVs, and other unpopular tasks and as soon as something out of the ordinary happened, contact a superior. He had expected that those instructions would be clear enough but freshly graduated doctors apparently needed far more instruction and guidance than he had expected. Not only that, but they also demanded to be taught.

On one of his first days in Seattle Derek had done something that he had never done before. After he filed for divorce he went to a bar, got drunk, met someone and slept with her. He had never had a one night stand in his life before and he didn't regret it one bit. The petit dark blonde slightly cynical spitfire he met at the bar turned out to be one of his new interns. And not one of the shy ones. She had questioned his orders, had run a perfectly organized code before any other physician had the chance to be present, had correctly diagnosed said patient, had declined to scrub in and had given him a hell of a speech about his poor teaching style, without a single trace of doubt.

That day after surgery he had sat in his office contemplating if he should write her up for talking to an attending in that manner. She had hit him right where it hurt – in his ego. He was Dr. Derek Shepherd, a successful and renowned neurosurgeon from New York, published in the New England journal of medicine, Head of Neurosurgery at Seattle Grace and who was she? An unknown intern who barely made it out of med school. In the end, he had decided against writing her up. He had been rather preoccupied that day and he hadn't really put his best foot forward either, which didn't excuse her behavior. Instead, he opted to keep a closer eye on her to determine if she just misstepped that day after a long shift.

What he saw over the next two and a half months made him sadder than anything else. Day in and day out she lost a little bit of her light. He had adjusted his teaching method according to the needs of his residents and interns. His goal was that every intern left his service a little more skilled than they had come. He had found his footing and somehow his calling.

As a teacher and as the head of one of the major departments he deemed it his duty to evaluate his students and bring up any concerns if he deemed necessary. And what he saw in Meredith concerned him. After a week on his service, she didn't show any interest in the opportunities she was given. She showed up for work – never late – did all her tasks without any room for complaint, had an incredible bedside manner and was very interested in her tablet whenever she thought no one was watching her. The only time he saw some of the initial fire – that attracted him to her in the first place – came back was a few days ago when she was arguing on behalf of a patient. Something about her frustrated him, to the point that his usual clam, caring and lovely personality disappeared. And he couldn't pinpoint what it was since they got along great when they didn't know each other in a professional setting. He realized he had said some not so nice things to her before he headed into surgery. He had planned to ask her about her if she was doing okay in the program and how she was dealing with her mother. Derek was sure that Meredith hadn't told anyone about her mother or why she moved to Seattle in the first place. He suspected that he only knew because of her moment of weakness and his persisting.

He had done his research and her suggestion was actually intriguing – not that he liked to admit it, but he had been outsmarted once again.

Derek signed another request before he checked the time. It was Friday and on Fridays, he taught skill labs. Skill labs were a pain in the ass to teach especially for neurosurgery. Interns rarely got a kick out of the skills needed for this meticulous filed of surgery. Neurosurgery required a certain set of natural instincts and talents that couldn't be learned, neurosurgeons weren't made they were born. Those talents mostly surfaced later in a surgeon's training. No one in this intern class showed any particular promise to become a neurosurgeon. He saw some general surgeons and maybe a cardio surgeon or a trauma surgeon amongst them and some who were not cut out of the right cloth to be a surgeon. Today they would be doing their first tries with microscopic surgery. As he explained the premise of today's exercise he noticed that one of his interns was missing.

"Where is Dr. Grey?" Derek asked two of Dr. Bailey's interns.

"I don't know. Haven't seen her in a couple of days," Dr. Steven shrugged, "I thought she might be on a different schedule or might have been put on a different service."

"If I really think about it I don't think she was home the last two nights either," Dr. O'Malley added.

"And you don't think it's a little weird or suspicious that your roommate hasn't come home or to work in days?" Derek asked.

"Now that you mentioned it, it is a little suspicious."

"Does Dr. Bailey know?"

"Dr. Bailey is not here, Sir. She's off today," Dr. O'Malley explained.

"You have no idea where Dr. Grey is and as far as you know Dr. Bailey doesn't know either. So potentially one of our interns is missing for days without anyone noticing?" Derek asked the two disbelievingly. Both of them stared at him with big eyes, fear clearly visible in their faces. Derek turned around addressing the room. "Has anyone seen Dr. Grey in the last two days?"

* * *

2/29/20

Happy leap day!

This chapter is a little shorter, I'm sorry. The next one is much longer, so be patient. We have heard Meredith's back story and now it was time to hear Derek's. I tried to paint a picture of Derek's life in New York and of the transition to life in a hospital and in Seattle, I hope you liked my approach. Now the big question: where is Meredith? I want to hear your ideas.

Last but not least, a big THANK YOU to all of you. I'm blown away by the response and I want you to know that I appreciate all of you. No matter if you just read, followed, favorited or left a review. Have a great weekend.


	7. Chapter 7 - Theseienwiese

Welcome back!

Disclaimer: All conversations between Meredith and a new character are meant to be in German, but are in English. Every conversation between Meredith and a known character is meant to be in English. I hope I make sense. Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 7 - Theseienwiese**

Meredith let the warm water run over her hands and arms washing away the soap residue. It was three in the afternoon and Meredith had spent the last six hours in surgery saving a girl's life. A twelve-year-old biker had collided with a city bus on her way to school. The accident occurred when the girl was forced to leave the - by a parked car blocked - bike lane. The girl hadn't been wearing a helmet and had suffered a massive traumatic brain injury and various other life-threating injuries that needed immediate surgical intervention. The girl had been transferred to the OR right after the trauma CT. A team of highly skilled pediatric surgeons had been working tirelessly to successfully save the young girl's life. The surgery had been complicated and time-consuming. Whenever Meredith had solved one major problem a new one had popped up, complicating the surgery further.

Meredith's stomach growled as she dried her hands with the surgical towel. Now that the surgery was finished and her patient on her way to the PICU, Meredith's bodily needs were making themselves noticed: hunger, thirst, fatigue, body aches. A supposedly easy day at the hospital had turned stressful with just one single phone call.

On Fridays, they never scheduled elective surgeries, to minimize the number of patients staying in the hospital over the weekend. Fridays were administrative days: mostly paperwork, post-op assessments, discharges, department meetings and lecture days. Around two p.m. most attending surgeons would head home for the weekend, leaving the on-call colleagues in charge. She had come in early this morning. Meredith had planned to catch up on all accumulated paperwork before the department meeting and finish her presentations for this weekend.

Her hospital was organizing the annual European neurology conference and she had been asked to contribute. Some of Europe's most renowned neurosurgeons, neurologists and neuroscientists would be attending the conference to discuss the newest cutting edge research, technology and treatment options. Meredith had been asked to teach some classes to some attending med students and residents, attend a panel, present with her research group and speak on the topic of her recent solo publication. Meredith would be the youngest speaker at the conference. All other speakers had decades worth of experience as attending physicians and senior researchers. This year they had partnered with the American Neurology Society, some of which would be attending the conference as well. Some of the American delegations were scheduled to arrive today for a kick-off event, to tour the hospital's neuro department and research facilities and to have some time to discuss some research. Meredith's boss had urged her to attend that event, as a speaker and as a future member of the American neurosurgical community.

But Meredith had other plans for tonight. Since coming back to Munich ten days ago she had been busy with everything she wanted to get done before she had to leave for good. Tonight she would put on her reddish-orange pants with the reflective stripes and the windbreaker, her black protective boots and work the night shift as an emergency physician at the Wiesn.

During the last two weeks in September thousands upon thousands, tourists traveled to the Bavarian city to attend the Oktoberfest. People from all over the world came to enjoy the golden liquid, underestimating or ignoring its strength and drinking way too much way too fast. It was a giant party that was enjoyed by a vast majority of local and foreign people. It also put all emergency personal on high alert. In order to keep the Oktoberfest running smoothly, hundreds of paramedics, police officers, and security personal worked together. All local hospitals were prepared for long nights and emergency physicians were present at the festival area for any medical emergencies.

While having fun under the influence of 'Bavaria's human right' things could escalate at rapid speed. The more drunken people together the more injuries, accidents, fights, and stupidity.

Three years ago Meredith had acquired her qualification to be an emergency physician to be called to, treat and accompany all sorts of acute cases. She even spent some months in southern Germany's biggest trauma hospital for basic trauma surgery training. Meredith always enjoyed the fieldwork, she loved to drive fast cars and ride in helicopters to rescue patients out of precarious situations. Ever since she had obtained her certification she had worked one shift every month and taken two or three shifts as an Oktoberfest emergency physician. Over the time she had seen some crazy disturbing stuff, had been in situations that were more than unsafe and had lost patients under devastating circumstances. The job was nothing for weak nerves but Meredith didn't mind giving some of her time. It was nothing she wanted to do on a regular basis, she preferred the controlled environment of an operating room. But she didn't mind the craziness and the unpredictability of the job. She always looked forward to a Friday night shift at the Oktoberfest or a long Tuesday night waiting to be called to someone in need.

Meredith sat down with her patient's parents who had been updated throughout the surgery by a nurse and explained their daughter's condition in detail. Two policemen had informed the parents about the accident while their child had been already on her way to the OR. Both were terrified of the possible outcomes. Meredith tried to answer all their questions truthfully while staying optimistic. Kids were much more resilient than adults and she had seen some come back from worse, but there was no way of telling what was going to happen at this point. Meredith hated those cases, where kids got potential life-altering injuries doing everyday tasks like riding their bike to school. She left the parents with their daughter in the capable hands of the PICU team.

On her way back to her office Meredith got stopped multiple times by residents and nurses to answer questions about treatment plans and orders. On normal days she didn't mind being stopped to talk about her patients. Especially in her field, she made sure that there was constant communication between all care providers to ensure optimal care. Today however she was running out of time.

Four days ago Meredith officially finished her residency-fellowship program, concluding her practical medical education in taking the Facharztprüfung in three different specialties. Now she was the German equivalent to board-certified. Ever since her final exam they had put her officially in charge of the pediatric neurosurgery unit until her replacement would start. Her respected colleague who had built the unit to what it was - with a lot of Meredith's help and input over the last few years - had been involved in a mountain biking accident that put him out of the OR for the next couple of months. The young surgeon wasn't quite sure why they hadn't selected one of the more senior doctors for the job. Compared to some other surgeons working at the hospital she was inexperienced.

Meredith sat down in her office chair and started writing down the surgical notes and post-op orders of the case she had just finished. Initially, she had planned to quickly stop by the reception luncheon to grab some food but now she needed to hustle to get everything done in time. In less than an hour, she was starting her shift at the Theresienwiese. The stack of unfinished paperwork she had planned to work through this morning was still untouched and had even grown. The talks she was supposed to present tomorrow needed more work and she still hadn't eaten anything since this morning. She unwrapped a granola bar while writing down the specific post-op orders in the electronic charting system. After, she signed off on some paperwork that had been put on her desk while she had been in surgery. Hungrily she finished her second granola bar since sitting down. Meredith graved something more filling than the snack but the in chocolate-covered oats had to do for now.

"It's sad that you missed the reception," Hannes, one of her office mates and one of her closest friends told her in his charming upper Bavarian dialect. "We were hoping you could snatch us some food. Now we have to figure out a way to survive the night."

"I'm so glad to hear that you are so concerned about me. I guess you need to starve now. It's so sad that there are no snacks stocked in this office or that there isn't a 24-hour staff cafeteria in this hospital. Wait..." Meredith replied sarcastically.

"I know right?! It was really nice knowing you," Lena, another close friend of Meredith's, added dramatically.

Over the last three years, the three of them and another colleague had shared an office. They had offered her, her own office for the remaining time but she had decided to stay with the people who had stuck together through the curling postgraduate medical training.

Meredith had met Hannes in med school. He knew her from the very beginning when Meredith was still a teenager. Hannes was 38, he had taken a little longer to get on his medical path. He had been one of the people who had asked her for help while studying for the Physikum. Hannes was also the one, who had hocked her on running, had taken her skiing and had tried to introduce her to mountain biking.

Meredith had met Lena and Leopold when she came back from Hopkins. Both of them were technically a year ahead of Meredith. While she had blasted through the program in record time, doing more than most deemed humanly possible, the three of them had lived their lives. Lena was married to a mechanical engineer and had a one-year-old daughter at home. Leopold's wife was pregnant with their second child and Hannes was in the process of planning his long over-due wedding.

"I'm sure you two will survive," Meredith rolled her eyes as her hospital phone rang. She cleared up a misunderstanding with one of her orders. She checked her watch. Meredith closed her laptop, unplugged her tablet and grabbed the signed stack of paperwork of her desk, her cell, and her office keys. "Well, I'm off guys. I'm going to leave you two now. Have fun. I'll see you tomorrow," Meredith told them as she exited the office. As she closed the door behind her she could hear their goodbyes.

In the locker room, she changed into her uniform. Everything that wasn't essential for doing her job tonight she kept either in her locker or her office. After her shift, she would come back to the hospital to change and take everything home that she needed for the conference tomorrow.

She dropped off the signed paperwork in the office and picked up the keys for the emergency vehicle and the medicine backpack. On her way to the elevator, she ran into her boss Prof. Dr. Wolfgang Eder - chief of the neurology and neurosurgery department, professor at her university and one of her mentors. He was in the process of explaining something to the American delegation but stopped when he saw her.

"I'm heading out now. Orders are written, so everything should be fine. They have my number just in case. I'll see you tomorrow at the ICM," Meredith updated him after he had greeted her.

"Thanks for letting me know. How did your surgery go?"

Meredith made a face. "Touch and go. I'm carefully optimistic that there might be a positive outcome. At this point there is no way of telling," Meredith sighed.

"Good. I'm sure you did everything you could. Then I'll see you tomorrow," he smiled at her. "And be careful tonight," he added with a wink. He always told her that when she ventured out.

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Always. I'm not the one who gets injured doing something stupid. That is someone else!" Meredith yelled after him.

"Good to know." Dr. Eder laughed. The elevator dinged and Meredith got on, she checked her watch one more time. She was cutting it extremely close, she had thirty minutes until she was back on duty.

Meredith walked through the lobby to the parking garage with the keys dangling on a finger, the medicine backpack over her shoulder, her tablet in on hand and phone in the other checking a text.

"Excuse me? I don't know if you can help me. No one seems to know where I'm supposed to go. I'm looking for Prof. Dr. Eder. There's supposed to be a tour. Could you tell me where I can find him?" someone stopped her on her way out. Meredith froze when she heard the man's voice. She looked up and sure enough, was staring into the handsome face of Derek Shepherd.

* * *

_Meredith sat in the conference room at Seattle Grace. She was contemplating what to do, trapped in her pretend life she hated. Dr. Shepherd had just suggested that she wasn't made out to be a surgeon. That she should look into different fields of medicine. Mentally she couldn't do it anymore. She had reached her breaking point. Pretending to be something she wasn't, was breaking her. Not living up to her potential was breaking her. She had proved that she could deal with a lot. She could deal with all the crap her mother had pulled over the last couple of months. She could deal with her friends living thousands of kilometers away and only seeing them through a screen. She had tolerated the long tedious hours of mindless work because she knew that there was an end to all of this. But a person could only take so much. She had found where she couldn't deal anymore. She had to draw a line when people started questioning everything she had worked for, just because she was thrown into this stupid situation._

_She was this close to walking into the Chief's office and abandon the intern experiment she had been conduction since coming to the states. She stared at the blue beamer rectangle on the white wall with the dancing 'no signal' box. Ready to quit. The sound of her phone disturbed her depressing thoughts. Absently she picked up the ringing device._

_"Hello."_

_"Meredith, great that you picked up. We have a little bit of an emergency. Matze - once again - hurt himself doing this stupid hobby of his."_

_"What happened this time?" Meredith sighed. Prof. Dr. Matthias Julius was leading the pediatric neurosurgery unit back in Munich and had a great love for throwing himself down mountains on his bike. He tended to injure himself every two to three years to the point of not being able to work._

_"He dislocated two of his fingers, destroyed his elbow and torn at least two tendons," Prof. Dr. Eder told her._

_"Sounds about right," Meredith chuckled humorlessly shaking her head._

_"Well, he obviously isn't able to operate any time soon. I know you have your schedule and your responsibilities. And I know you are only supposed to be back in a week, but we really could need you here. Do you think you could …"_

_"Don't worry, I'll make it happen," Meredith interrupted him without a doubt._

_"Meredith I don't want you to compromise your job, only …"_

_"I'll be there. I'll send you my flight information as soon as I have them. Don't worry," Meredith ended the call and jumped up. This was her out. She had just gotten the perfect opportunity to escape this misery._

_She went to the Chief's office to let him know about a family emergency that she needed to sort out immediately. She didn't ask him to give her time off she just told him that she was going. Over her time at Seattle Grace Meredith had noticed that Dr. Webber had a soft spot when it came to her mother. He was very interested in her well-being and her whereabouts and asked about her whenever he had a chance._

_She purposefully phrased the reason for her sudden departure as a family emergency. Technically it wasn't, but to her, this was her family. Meredith never used her term 'my mother' when telling him, she always referred to a family emergency. She utilized the Chief's obsession in letting him think that her mother needed some kind of assistance. That Meredith had gotten that call months ago and that her mother was just a couple of miles away in a nursing home reliving the hay days of her residency didn't serve Meredith's purpose, so she let it slide._

_With the Chief's knowledge, Meredith hurried into the locker room to change. She threw her surgical loupes - that she had naively put in her locker in hopes to need them - and her statoscope in her bag. On her way out of the hospital, she ran into Cristina and let her know that she wouldn't be in Seattle for the next three weeks. At home, she packed her additional electronics, her passport, her Munich apartment keys, and two empty suitcases. Most of her stuff was still in Munich anyways. She called her mother's nursing home to tell them that she would be out of the country and booked the next available flight. She had a layover in New York but would be in Munich in less than 15 hours._

* * *

"I have just seen him on the fifth floor. He's giving the tour right now. Just ask how to get up to the neuro unit they'll now more," Meredith answered politely in hopes he wouldn't recognize her. She had cut her hair since coming back and had regained a lot of her confidence. The first couple of days she had struggled. Pictures of Dr. Bailey yelling at her for doing something innovative accompanied her in the OR. In meetings, she had timidly suggested treatment options in fear she would be dismissed. Since then she had gotten better and more assertive of what she did and knew, but she was still having imposter syndrome. The feeling that someone could come and remove her from the hospital at any point was still there. Meredith was convinced that they had wrongly put her in charge of the unit and would figure out that they did a grave mistake any time now. She hadn't realized how much Seattle had damaged her confidence until she had been back.

Judging by the way Derek starred at her, had he, in fact, recognized her. He stood there saying nothing starring at her.

"You can find the elevators just around that corner and there are stairs through that door. Enjoy your stay," Meredith pointed to the door and started walking towards the exit leaving him rooted where he stood.

"What are you doing here?" Derek finally regained his ability to speak. He tried to catch up with her and followed her into the parking garage.

"Now or in general?" Meredith unlocked the white and red BMW X3 with the blue lights on the roof and the red markings on the side.

"There is a difference?" Derek exclaimed still shocked.

"Yes … well, no. It depends on how you look at it. Let's keep it simple: I'm working," Meredith opened the car door and put the backpack on the back seat. The car was specifically built to be an emergency vehicle. In the trunk, they stored all sorts of medical equipment. Needles, IV-kits, chest tubes, kits to treat heart attacks, storks and pediatric emergencies. They had a defibrillator, monitors, surgical instruments, a neurosurgical drill and everything that could be needed in a trauma situation. There were also backpacks filled with supplies in case they needed to get to the patient by foot. Only the anesthetic medication needed to be brought by the treating physician. Meredith climbed into the car and adjusted the seat. The passenger door opened and Derek climbed in as well.

"What do you think you're doing?" Meredith exclaimed.

"Now or in general?" Derek retorted.

"Funny," Meredith rolled her eyes, "No, seriously what do you think you're doing? Two minutes ago you asked where the meeting is and now you're in this car. Last chance to get out. Because I'm leaving now," Meredith told him firmly pushing the start button of the car.

"Fine with me," Derek shrugged putting on his seatbelt as Meredith pulled out of the parking spot. "I think you owe me an explanation. So until I get one I'm not leaving your side."

"Are you kidding me? I owe you an explanation?" she snorted, adding silently under her breath: "I think you owe me an apology."

"Yeah. You left in the middle of your shift, you disappeared without a trace, you abandoned your patients."

"First of all, I talked to Webber before I left, I had a family emergency. And I didn't abandon my patients, I abandoned your patients. I think they really missed getting their blood drawn by me. Besides last time I checked you weren't really too keen on getting any of my input."

"What?! That is beside the point. If I need to go to my boss to get the information that a certain female intern on my service left because of an emergency than something is fundamentally wrong. You were on my service so you should've come to me first and tell me before going to the Chief and ask him." Meredith saw him raise his eyebrows out of the corner of her eyes.

"You were in the OR resecting a glioma. And how would have gone that? I walk into your OR and ask: 'Dr. Shepherd, I know we just had a professional disagreement and you basically told me that I suck at my job and that I won't ever be a surgeon, but I need to be somewhere else right now. See you in twenty days,'" Meredith changed her voice "' Dr. Grey, this exactly what I was talking about. What could be possibly more important than this job?'"

"I do not sound like that!" Derek protested.

"That's not the point," Meredith groaned frustratedly, "The point is that I needed to go and in order to do so I went to the Chief. You don't get to be pissed off just because I went to your boss to sign off on my leave of absence instead of you."

"But you went to him under pretenses. He thought you had to be with your mother. But since your mother is in Seattle and you are here …"

"I never lied to Webber. Why would you even think that? I told him I had a family emergency and he interpreted that it must be my mother. The term family can be used loosely. Besides I was scheduled to be here right now long before I asked for an additional week or even took the job at Grace. And you can only assume where I've been before I came here," Meredith argued.

"Well, where have you been then?" Derek challenged.

"None of your business," Meredith answered simply. "I don't even know why I'm having this argument with you. You are on my turf, you hijacked my car and you have no authority over me while I'm here. So if you want a proper explanation you'll have to wait until I'm back in Seattle so you can force me. Until then I would appreciate if you would stop demanding explanations while you are here. You don't get to demand anything while you are a guest at my hospital," Meredith snapped. She concentrated on the drive while he silently stared at her. Just like in the bar she tried to ignore his piercing blue stare. This time she was far more successful than back in June.

Meredith greeted the policemen and security officers when she slowly approached the police barriers around the Oktoberfest

"Where are we?" Derek broke his silence.

"At the Oktoberfest," Meredith answered simply as she maneuvered the car through the crowd down to the command center.

"And what are we doing here?"

"I am working. I'll start my shift in fifteen minutes," Meredith parked in a restricted area, got out of the car, grabbed her pack and waited for Derek to get out as well.

"What am I supposed to do?" the neurosurgeon asked getting out slamming the car door shut.

"I don't know. I didn't ask you to come. The world is your oyster."

"Well, I didn't really think. Did I know that you were going somewhere to work?" Derek protested, trying to keep up with Meredith who was walking to the command center.

"The car and the uniform weren't a dead giveaway? There's literally 'Notarzt' written in capital letters on my jacket aa well as the car," Meredith pointed to the 'Notarzt' writing on the side of the car.

"Hey, I just got here. Are you a paramedic?"

"Once again I'm going to point out the word Notarzt, particularly the Arzt part," Meredith rolled her eyes.

"Some of us don't speak German. So if you could enlighten me."

"You come to Germany to attend a medical conference and you don't even know the German word for 'medical doctor'? For real?"

"You know about the conference?"

"Of course I know about the conference. I know a lot more than you think I know," Meredith replied, taking a deep breath in. "To spell it out. In about ten minutes I'm starting my shift as an emergency physician. I still need to sign in, get my assignment, pick up my partner and get to my assigned spot in those ten minutes. I don't have a lot of time for this 20 question game. So here are your options: You either take the subway back to the hospital and do what you came here to do, or you make the most of your night, stay here and have some fun. As for me, I'm making sure that there are enough medical professionals to cover this event. I'll see you, Derek," she turned around and started walking into the building that housed the command center. All kinds of first responders were managed from here, whether people needed medical attention, law enforcement or someplace to keep them safe this was the place to come to. People worked around the clock for sixteen days to assure a peaceful Wiesn.

Meredith picked up her assignment for the night. She greeted the woman that was in charge of the entire medical staff with a hug. Dr. Maria Obermaier was responsible to manage all medical emergency calls, she assigned the doctors and paramedics to their locations and, made sure patients got transported to one of the many hospitals and that there were always enough doctors and paramedics on sight. Meredith had gotten to know her pretty well over the last years she had been volunteering and working for the Oktoberfest. The young American physician had started working at the Oktoberfest medical service right after her eighteenth birthday and had come back every year since. As a med student, she had worked in the walk-in clinic, had done triage, stitches and had administered IV fluids. During residency, she had tagged along with one of the physicians until she got certified and was allowed to be in charge. After a short chat with her boss, Meredith picked up her partner for the night. All emergency physicians had a paramedic on their side to have an extra pair of hands for whenever they were needed. Over the years she had gotten to work with a lot of them. Some were quiet and liked to sit in silence while others liked to chat to pass the time. Meredith didn't mind either.

Ready to start her shift she and her partner walked back to the car, catching up on what had happened already. Without looking she unlocked the car from a distance and when she finally looked up she saw Derek leaning against the side of the BMW.

"You are still here," Meredith stated the obvious.

"Yes, I'm choosing option three," Derek shrugged.

"I didn't give you a third option," Meredith told him.

"I'm tagging along with you," Derek smiled brightly at her.

"You're not serious, are you?"

"I'm dead serious."

"You can't just decide that you're going to tag along. It doesn't work like that."

"Why not?"

"I don't have the time to explain to you why you can't … I can't believe it. Why would you even want to do that?" Meredith asked clearly irritated. She opened the passenger door, while her partner climbed into the driver's side amused. Derek's stare challenged her.

"I don't know," he shrugged again, "I just want to see what you doing here."

"Fine." She sat down and slammed the car door shut behind her. As he got into the car, she could see Derek's giant grin in the rearview mirror. "But there are rules and if you don't obey you are faster out of this car than you can say craniotomy. I'm the boss. You're just an observer. You will only do what either I or Max tell you to do. And you stay until we're finished." Meredith couldn't believe she was allowing her Seattle boss to tag along – a guy she had slept with and was extremely attracted to. She was sure she was beginning to lose her mind.

"Okay. But you do know that I'm a board-certified neurosurgeon."

"Ohh, you're an American board-certified neurosurgeon? Why haven't you said so from the beginning? That changes absolutely … nothing. Unless you have a German certification for emergency medicine or any German license to practice medicine that I don't know about you are only allowed to observe." Derek was about to protest but Meredith shut him up before he had the chance: "You wanted to come, so don't complain. Welcome to the craziness."

* * *

They had moved to their assigned spot, sitting in the car waiting to be needed. Meredith had taken out her tablet doing some work. Max used the downtime to get in a power nap, while Derek was still mesmerized by what was happening. She could tell that he had a lot of questions and was dying to have them answered but for now, Meredith needed to utilize the little downtime she had to add some finishing touches to some pressing matters. He gave her fifteen minutes before he interrupted the silence.

"So what exactly are we doing now?" Derek asked after a while.

"We are waiting until someone needs us," Meredith simply responded going over some notes.

"Obviously," Derek rolled his eyes. "So we sit here until two in the morning just waiting?"

"No," Meredith turned around to face him in the back seat. "It's going to be busy. It's Friday. The weather is perfect, tents are to capacity, the beer gardens are full. People are drinking. From experience, calls start to pick up around six-ish. There are five major tents, dozens of rides, the main entrance and a subway station close by. Tents close at ten-thirty and then there are the after-parties. We are going to be plenty of busy," Meredith smiled.

"And what are we dealing with?"

"Everything. Generally a lot of alcohol poisoning, lacerations, and minor injuries. But we are most likely not going to see those. The paramedics will treat them and bring them to the main first aid center and they'll decide what to do there. We are prepared to deal with anything major. Heart attacks, assault victims, head traumas or any kind of trauma, severe alcohol poisoning but also pediatric cases and collapses. Whatever can come into an ER can happen here. We stabilize and treat the patient, administer drugs. Depending on the severity we will accompany them to the ambulance where a transport physician will take over or they just go with the paramedics, then we return and do it all over again. On some occasions we'll go to the hospital and come back," Meredith explained.

"Head traumas?" Derek chocked out questioning.

"Yeah, people tend to get agitated easily while under the influence and those heavy glass beer mugs are quite the popular weapon," Meredith shrugged.

"And you're not even faced by it?"

"Not anymore."

"And what's up with the car?"

"What about the car?"

"It's a freaking BMW," Derek exclaimed.

"Almost all police cars in the city are BMWs as well. It's nothing special. BMW's headquarter is in Munich. Seeing a BMW in this city is like seeing a Ford or a Chevy somewhere in the states."

"Do you know how crazy all of this sounds? How crazy all of this is?" Derek asked. "First of all you being here, acting as if this is just another Friday for you. You're supposed to be a surgical intern in Seattle. I'm supposed to get a tour of the neurosurgical unit of one of the university hospitals, have a nice dinner and attend a conference in the morning. Instead, I'm sitting in a car with you waiting for some drunk to do something stupid."

"You wanted to be here. And in a sense it is just another Friday in September for me," she shrugged.

"Just another September Friday?" Derek asked surprised. "How long are you doing this?"

"For ten years in one way or another," Meredith stated, fishing her phone out of her jacket pocket and checking who was calling her. "Hannes … mhm … mhm … okay … we can't do anything about it. … Are the scans online yet? … Okay, wait for a second and let me have a quick look," Meredith took the tablet and opened the patient file and pulled up the post-op scans as she went through them she listen to Hannes report on the patient. "I don't see anything concerning, which is good. ... It's most likely edema. How high is the ICP?" Meredith asked, lying the tablet down on her lab. "That is very much in the acceptable range for that type of injury. … No! Tell him I looked at it and that I said that it's edema and that they should continue to treat with mannitol and saline. Just like I ordered. It's not that hard," Meredith exhaled frustratedly. "And the others? … mhm … mhm … okay … just continue … yes … perfect … Thank you, Hannes. … Nothing yet. I will. See you tomorrow or tonight. Bye," Meredith ended the call putting her phone back in the pocket. Derek looked at her and was about to say something but the radio interrupted him.

* * *

Over the next hours, Derek followed Meredith and Max through the chaos. She had perfectly estimated when calls would pick up and ever since they had barely had any time to rest in between calls. When Derek had volunteered himself to tag along he hadn't expected that they would be that busy. He had flown in today, had barely slept on the plane but somehow the adrenalin kept him going. He had never experienced anything like this. It was very chaotic but somehow very organized, how they maneuvered through the crowd to go where they needed to go. And as the evening went on it became more and more difficult to fight their way through the people.

He still hadn't wrapped his mind around the fact that his missing intern was being the boss here. She was not very tall and didn't have a lot of mass to herself but she sure knew how to make herself known. She didn't mess around, if something or someone bothered her she made sure that whatever it was, was taken care of. Wherever they went there was police already there to make sure they were safe treating their patient. With every patient they attended his respect grew for her exponentially. This Meredith was very different from the Meredith that had worked at Seattle Grace for the last couple of weeks. The woman he watched was the woman he had met at Joe's. She seemed to know everyone, paramedics, police officers or venders and there was a mutual level of respect.

He was a hospital physician, a surgeon who preferred the comfort of an OR, the clinic or his office. He had never thought about fieldwork especially not about that kind of fieldwork. He was very much out of his comfort zone, Meredith, on the other hand, knew what she was doing. She had the ability to talk agitated drunks down so they would let her treat them and mastered the splits between treating a pediatric case and calming the worried parents down while everything continued around them.

"I don't know how you do it. This is insane. All the noises and the people. It's so overwhelming," Derek yawned. They sat in the parked car having the first break in a while.

"You run on adrenalin. You block everything out except for your patient. As soon as this radio goes off you need to focus. You don't have time to be tired or hungry or thirsty or care what's happening around you. Based on the same biological concept why we don't feel those things in the OR," Meredith explained after emptying a bottle of water. "To be honest I've been conditioned, and it's fun while it lasts but I only do two of these shifts a year. I couldn't do it as a day job, too many heart attacks."

"So this is your idea of fun?" Derek looked at her.

"No! But it is a way to give back. I'm young, I don't have a boyfriend, I don't have any kids and they need people to do it. And I'm one of the people who have the skills to do it, so why not?" Meredith shrugged. "Besides during those 16 days, it's all hands on deck."

"What did you do …"

"Hold that thought," Meredith told Derek picking up the radio of the dashboard. Derek watched as Meredith got the information to where they needed to go. His hand already on the door handle ready to exit the vehicle. All night they had reached their patients by foot, maneuvering through the crowd. But this time Max pushed the start button of the BMW, turned the car around and put on the blue lights and the sirens, while Meredith was still getting all the available information.

"Copy that," the radio went silent, "There is always the one," Meredith muttered quietly to no one. She turned to Max who maneuvered the car to the road and sped to where the control center told them to go and discussed their plan of action.

"The one?" Derek asked not sure what was happening. Her demeanor had changed, she was all business and no play.

"The one call you don't want to get," she groaned, "Listen, this is going to be next level. We're going inside a tent. A couple of rules: don't get distracted, don't engage with anyone involved in the situation, they are most likely intoxicated and overly emotional. The police will deal with them. Be efficient, our goal is to get the patient out of the tent as quickly as possible without causing a scene," Meredith told him as she put on a pair of blue gloves. The car came to a stop behind one of the big tents.

"What are we dealing with?" Derek asked following both of them to the trunk of the car and getting the supplies.

"Dispute situation. A young woman fell off a bench and is currently unconscious and unstable. Possible head trauma," Meredith explained and turned to him, "I know this is your specialty and it's probably going to be hard to not do something. All I'm asking is please do not backseat drive," Meredith told him firmly. Derek nodded. "Can you grab the blue backpack please?"

Derek stopped dead for a second when he entered the tent. He didn't know what he had expected when he heard 'tent' but one thing was sure he hadn't expected that. The term tent was interpreted loosely, it was more a giant wooden temporary construction with electricity, multiple kitchens, and restrooms. It was loud, a band was playing live music in the middle which was amplified by speakers. Guests were standing on the benches dressed in traditional Bavarian attire singing along loudly, drinking beer and having a great time. It smelled like the world's biggest frat party mixed with the smell of chlorine. The wooden floor was sticky. Somewhere in this tent was a medical emergency and from the looks of it, he wouldn't have guessed so.

They followed a security officer through the tables to the patient, where two paramedics were already with the patient. And then he understood what she had meant with 'do not engage'. They had gotten to the patient in under five minutes and whatever had started the situation was still happening. The involved parties shoved and pushed against the security who tried to keep the two groups from going at each other. It was chaotic, people were yelling at each other while one of them kneeled on the floor stressed tending to their injured friend. The patient was a young woman in her early twenties, she was leaning against a table being held up by her friend. She was clearly not doing well. She looked disoriented and altered.

Derek placed the backpack on the floor and stood back as he had done with every patient they had seen so far.

"Hallo mein Name ist Dr. Grey und ich bin die Notärztin," Meredith introduced herself after she had been brought up to speed by the team.

"We only speak English," one of the friends managed to chock out.

"That is no problem," Meredith said with a warm smile, crouching down to their level. "I'm Dr. Grey and I'm the doctor. What's your name?"

"I'm Rachel," the young woman cried whipping away some tears.

"Hi, Rachel. We are going to take good care of your friend. What's her name?"

"Alyssa."

"Hi, Alyssa. Can you open your eyes for me?" Meredith asked assessing her patient. "Hey, Alyssa can you open your eyes?" The young woman's eyes opened for a second not focusing on anything in particular, before closing again, her head unstable. "Alyssa, we are going to lay you on the floor, okay?" Meredith turned to Max and they lied the young woman on the floor. Where Meredith started her initial assessment and Max put in a first IV and another paramedic attached the heart monitor. "Okay Rachel, can you tell me what happened?"

"I don't know. All of a sudden they pushed us and then she was on the floor. Oh my god, she going to be okay?"

"Did she lose consciousness right away?"

"Yes."

"For how long?"

"A couple of minutes, maybe. Maybe more."

"Thank you. Hey Alyssa, can you squeeze my hands as hard as you can? Alyssa squeeze my hands," Meredith asked her patient. "Rachel, how much did she have to drink?"

"I don't know. Two, three maybe. Maybe more. We were just trying to have a good time. We're here with school and it was supposed to be fun. We're studying abroad. We go to a good school. What about her parents?" Rachel cried.

"You don't need to worry about that right now," Meredith told her, trying to wake up Alyssa who had become unconscious again. She looked in Derek's eyes silently telling him that she could need his help. "Rachel, this is my friend Derek. He's going to sit with you for a while we make sure that Alyssa is taken care of."

Derek approached Alyssa and carefully pulled her off the floor. He turned her around and began talking to her in his calming demeanor. Over his shoulder, he was still able to observe the team working on the critical patient. He learned that they were American college students and the Oktoberfest visit was a school-organized trip part of their study abroad program. Both were barely twenty and she seemed incredibly overwhelmed. Talking to him calmed her down.

Derek observed how Meredith checked the pupillary reflexes, looked for other injuries and administered medication when the patient started seizing. Normally Derek would have jumped in and taken over from the young doctor who was treating the patient at the moment. His type-A personality drove him to backseat drive and take control. But this wasn't a normal situation in a controlled environment. He was way out of his comfort zone and Meredith had everything under control.

He also observed how some intoxicated guys from a different table tried to bother her by poking and shoving her for a good laugh. She ignored them and continued to care for the young woman. But they kept bothering her that she told them off. Derek was amazed by unfazed Meredith seemed by everything that happened around her, he could tell that this wasn't her first time dealing with such a high-stress situation.

The patient was finally stable enough for transport. It had taken a lot of medication and effort form the emergency team. They got the patient on a stretcher and ready to move out of the tent to the waiting ambulance.

"Let's get out of here. Rachel, you can come but you will have to talk to the police at some point," Meredith said getting up from the floor. Halfway in an upright position, a glass mug came swinging into her face. She had no chance to react or protect herself from the flying traditional glass that connected with her forehead with full force. The one-liter glass Maßkrug broke in two when it made contact, sending beer flying everywhere. Meredith stumbled back almost falling to the floor but caught herself before she did so.

One of the guys Meredith had ordered to keep his hands off her, hadn't taken it too well that she had put him in his corner. He had taken it on himself to defend his pride with the one-liter glass beverage container. Before Derek even had a chance to do process what had happened the guy had been tackled by two security officers. It happened so fast that he wasn't even sure what had happened. Meredith barely flinched she kept on walking with the patient to the waiting ambulance as if nothing had happened. Leaving a bloody trail behind. Derek followed with Rachel behind who hadn't even noticed what had happened. She threw a paramedic the car keys and told him that he should follow them to the hospital with Rachel and climbed into the waiting ambulance and gestured Derek to do the same. Inside Meredith scrunched her face in pain and cursed silently. The ambulance started moving with sirens blaring.

Over the radio, she announced their arrival and requested the trauma team. Meredith proceeded to care for the young woman checking her status and vitals.

"Damn she's not protecting her airway. I need to intubate her. I really wanted to avoid this."

She collected her material and medication and started to prepare for the procedure.

"You're not actually going to do that, are you?" Derek asked. "You're shaking, you should sit down."

"I don't really have a choice," Meredith started to measure out medications she needed for the intubation.

"Meredith," Derek said in a concerned voice. He had seen the Maßkrug break in two and was not sure she had. Her cut went from her forehead through her eyebrow onto her eyelid and was bleeding quite strongly. Blood was running down the side of her face, dripping onto her shirt.

"I'm fine," Meredith hissed through her teeth "If you could use your medical degree and push the induction medication, the sooner I can get her intubated."

Derek pushed the medication and before he knew it she had inserted the tube into the trachea and connected the patient to the portable ventilator.

"That was impressive … but I'm for sure calling bullshit on the 'fine part'. You're not fine, Meredith. You're bleeding onto your patient, you can't open your left eye. Take the gauze, put it on your cut and sit down. There is nothing more you can do right now," Derek told her firmly. Finally, she took the gauze without comment and pressed it against her cut. Against his doubt that she would listen she sat down and took the piece of gauze Max was handing her.

"So what are we dealing with?" Derek asked.

"Closed skull fracture, most likely a massive bleed, fixed right pupil. Damn, why won't it stop bleeding!?" Meredith exclaimed, taking the blood-soaked gauze from her face and changing it for a new piece. She pressed it against her cut to stop the bleeding.

* * *

3/7/20

Happy March! As promised a longer chapter this time. A little pick me up after this week's train wreck. I like the Oktoberfest and it's really fun to go but if you look at it from the outside it's insane. Let me know what you think. Reading your reviews keeps me motivated.

Let's clear up some vocabulary: Facharztprüfung is the German board exam. Theresienwiese is the place where the Oktoberfest takes place. Wiesn is the local name for the Oktoberfest. An Arzt is a doctor and a Notarzt is an emergency physician mostly someone who is an anesthesiologist. Maßkrug is a handheld drinking vessel containing one-liter of beer and a stable piece in Bavarian beer-garden and Oktoberfest culture.


	8. Chapter 8 - Großhadern

Welcome back!

Reminder: All conversations between Meredith and a new character are meant to be in German, but are in English. Every conversation between Meredith and a known character is meant to be in English. I hope I make sense. Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 8 - Großhadern**

The doors to the ER opened and the entire busyness of the ER was presented to the team that brought in the young injured American woman. Patients were parked in beds in the hallway. It was one of those nights. Meredith exhaled loudly still pressing the gauze to the cut on her forehead. She directed them to the trauma CT room where a team was already waiting for them. They transferred the patient onto the CT bed and connected her to the ventilator. Everyone went quiet when Meredith started her report:

"Okay everyone, patient name is Alyssa Brown, 20. She got pushed off a bench and hit her head at the metal railing. Initially lost consciousness, regained it momentarily but wasn't coherent. Initial GCS was ten, before intubation it was seven. The right pupil is fixed and dilated. Left side closed skull fracture. We treated a seizure with pheno. She is currently on pheno and RSI regiment and fentanyl for pain. She had two to four Maß to drink but her friend couldn't remember how much exactly. Initial assessment showed no other obvious injuries," Meredith finished, "Where the hell is neurosurgery?" The trauma team started their own quick overall assessment before they started the scan.

"They're busy," a nurse told Meredith.

"They're busy?"

"Yes. They're sending a second-year down whenever he has the chance to leave the unit."

"Great. Let's just get the scan and see how bad it is," Meredith sighed and followed the team into the viewing room. Derek watched interestedly how they did their trauma protocol.

At Seattle Grace patients never went straight to CT, the first stop was always the trauma room in which they assessed their patient and decided on further steps. Another big difference was that they had much more treatment-relevant information since an emergency physician had been with the patient since the scene. He had watched how Meredith had heavily sedated the patient en route, had intubated her and treated her with medication before they even reached the hospital. That allowed them to bring the patient straight to CT to get a better understanding of her main injuries. At home he or one of his colleagues would have to order a scan after they had assessed the patient, hoping that a scanner would be available for the trauma case. Here they had a dedicated trauma CT which was staffed with a radiologist who could give the preliminary report right then and there.

Meredith stared at the screen waiting for the CT scan to come up, still pressing the blood-soaked gauze to her wound.

"Do you usually stay and wait for the scans?" Derek whispered in her ear.

"No. But it's not like I can go back out there, can I?" Meredith answered, looking at the CT scan that just came up on the screen.

"That's not good," Derek stated, looking at the same image.

"No, that is not good at all," she agreed with a deep sigh before telling the team that she was going to figure something out.

The trauma team transported the patient into a trauma room to be monitored until neurosurgery was able to look at her. Meredith followed with Derek right behind her. She went to the computer and logged herself in to see who could be available to operate on her patient. All on-call attending neurosurgeons were in the OR and had senior residents assisting them. One of them was nearing the end of their procedure.

"Let me think. We have three second years, two fourth years and Hannes. If we …" Meredith thought out loud.

"She needs to be in an OR now or at least needs to get some burr holes," Derek blurted out.

"I'm aware. That's what I'm trying to figure out. If we can avoid, her getting burr holes and get her into surgery instead, I would prefer that, " Meredith told him picking up the phone to call the only available option. "Hannes, I need you to come to Shock room 2 ASAP. … No nothing pediatric. And hurry." Meredith hung up and was already on the phone trying to reach the surgical floor. Lost in thoughts she opened a cupboard and took out some gauze, dressing, tape, saline and cotton pads.

"Here let me," Derek grabbed a pair of gloves out of the glove dispenser that was mounted to the wall. He threw away the bloody gauze she had been pressing to her forehead and took the supplies she had laid out and started cleaning dried blood and beer of her face.

"Just clean the worst of it and dress it. It doesn't need to be pretty, it just needs to hold so I have my hands back."

"You should really get that looked at. It looks nasty," Derek pushed around her forehead inspecting the injury, while Meredith was on the phone with the surgical floor organizing an operating room.

"Ouch!" Meredith protested swatting away his hands. "Unlike your typical patients, I'm still able to feel pain, Dr. Shepherd."

"I'm sorry," Derek apologized. He put a thick layer of gauze on the wound and started wrapping the dressing around her head tightly. "There might still be some micro pieces of glass in there. And you certainly need stitches. And a head CT – just to be on the safe side. It's too close to your eye for my liking."

"Ja ja. Like I said I'm fine."

"You got a glass thing to your head that split on impact – you're not fine," Derek emphasized.

"That is open for debate," Meredith argued.

"This better be good, Mer. I just got a call from radiology. Wagner ordered another CT scan on your post-op patient and I was about to yell at him. Radiology is stalling him. I can't take care of what I'm supposed to do because some third-year thinks he knows it all and I need to keep track that he isn't killing our patients. I don't know who made him the neuro expert, but apparently, he is. I hate nights," Hannes ranted in his upper Bavarian dialect, as he entered the trauma room. Hannes was a tall and athletic guy, who had to stoop in order to not hit the top of the door when he entered rooms. Meredith wordlessly turned the computer screen with the scans to him. "Wow, that's bad. There is a midline shift."

"I know. And Jakob and Frosch are in surgery with the other sixth years. So I need you to start and by the time you get to the most critical part, Jakob should be done with his surgery. I'll take care of Wagner and make sure someone covers for you. They're already prepping an OR. Are you up for it?" Meredith asked.

"Sure. But why don't you do it? I'm sure if you called the command center and told them that we were running short on attending neurosurgeons that they would understand," Hannes starred at the screen fear-stricken.

"I can't. There was a minor incident and now I'm in no responsible position to operate. You got this. You've done it before. It'll be fine," Meredith encouraged him. He looked up into Meredith's face.

"God Mer. What happened to you? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Don't worry I'm going to get checked out. Hannes, are you up for this?" Meredith asked again, "Because if you're not, I only have one other option left and I really don't want to do this and deal with the paperwork," she glanced at Derek who was observing the conversation with interest, totally oblivious of what they were talking about.

"Is that …?" Hannes inquired.  
"Yes."

"How?"

"Conference. Ran into him in the lobby and then he hijacked the car and decided he wanted to ride along. I think you should take your patient up now," Meredith told him.

"Sure thing, Boss," Hannes teased as he went over to Alyssa, who had been prepared for transport by the trauma team. An anesthesiologist and a surgical team would be with him in the operating room.

"Hannes," Meredith warned.

"I love you, too."

* * *

After Alyssa was on her way to the OR in the capable hands of Hannes and the entire surgical team, Meredith left the trauma room followed by Derek. The ER was busy and the buzzing noise was not helping her beginning headache. She opened the door with the 'do not enter' sign and greeted the nurses and doctors sitting at their computers writing discharge letters or looking at lab results and x-rays. Through the glass window, she saw the packed waiting room and released a long breath. She sat down on one of the free computers, entered her patient-information into the system and hit print. She clipped the printed sheet to a clipboard and handed it to the triage nurse.

"Who is that for? Another head injury? Didn't you just bring one in?" She asked looking at the intake form.  
"That would be me. Could you make sure that I get someone somewhat qualified, please?"

"Sure. But we are swamped and all rooms are occupied. So it'll be a while before I can clear one for you," the grey-haired nurse told Meredith with a concerned look on her face.

"That's fine. I'll wait upstairs. Just call me please," Meredith said feeling the pain in her head radiate more and more now that the adrenaline was beginning to wear off.

"Maybe you shouldn't wait alone."

"I'm not. I have someone with me," Meredith gestured to Derek who was standing behind her.

"Okay. I'll let you know as soon as we have a room available, Meredith."

"Thank you, Marie. You are a Schatz like always," Meredith told her gratefully. She was thankful that she didn't have to wait in the ER with all the other people who had come here tonight for valid or not so valid reasons. She was grateful that she would be able to wait in her quiet office after she had taken care of the PICU issue.

She left the ER, Derek always following her, quietly observing her and the surroundings. At the beginning of the night, he had watched her work and now she was sure he was observing her, to make sure she wasn't suffering some major brain injury. She pushed the elevator button and turned to him. "You can go if you like. You really should. It's going to take an eternity. You should go get some rest."

"Nah, sleep is highly overrated. Besides you promised me a date," he smiled at her.

"This is so not a date," Meredith shook her head carefully, "And if you think so you better stop believing it quickly."

"Why not? It would constitute a fun second date."

"A second date? First of all, we're not on a date and you can't have a second date without a first one."

"Joe's…"

"Was not a date. That was you bothering me just like you do now," Meredith stated. The elevator doors opened and they stepped in. Meredith pressed the button with the number three.

"Am I really bothering you?"

"Nah," Meredith smiled the smallest smile. Being with him made her heart beat a little faster and having him with her was rather comforting. "I know what you're doing. And I'm telling you that I'm fine."

"The more you're going to tell me that the more I'm not believing you. And if I understood correctly, did you just tell that nurse that you wouldn't be alone," Derek raised his eyebrows. "Where are we going anyway?"

"Someplace quiet. You wanted a tour?"

"Sure."

"This is an elevator. It transports people from floor to floor without using any stairs," Meredith told him dryly.

"Funny."

"I'm not done yet. You wanted a tour, so you get a tour. No one said that it would be a good tour. Previously you saw the trauma CT room, a shock room, and the ER waiting area." The elevator doors opened, "And this is the third floor."

"Amazing. If this whole doctor thing isn't working out for you, you're should have a bright future as a hospital tour guide."

"Thank you, I'll keep that in mind." They reached a locked glass door that separated a hallway from the public area. Meredith held her hospital ID up against the scanner, the door buzzed. "This is a hallway on the third floor."

"It's getting better and better," Derek joked.

"It is, isn't it?" Meredith grinned. She reached her office door and opened it. It was dark and empty. Lena was either busy working somewhere in the hospital or was lying down in one of the on-call rooms. Meredith switched on the overhead light.

"And this is?" Derek asked, "Let me guess a room on the third floor."

"My office," she emptied the contents of her pockets onto her desk that was cluttered in paperwork, books, and other miscellaneous items. Then she took off her jacket and draped it over her desk chair.

"Your office? You have an office?" Derek asked clearly surprised.

"Yes, well I share it with three other people but it's mine. You can sit down if you like," Meredith pointed to an empty chair. "If you're hungry there are granola bars and snacks in the bottom drawer, there should be bottles of water somewhere as well," Meredith took her personal cordless hospital phone off the charger, "If Lena comes back just tell her that you're waiting for me and that I'll be back."

"Who and where are you going?"

"I'm just going to take care of an issue and then I'll be back."

* * *

Meredith opened another glass door. The PICU never slept. There was no difference between night or day. Nurses and doctors worked around the clock making sure that the little patients received the best care. Machines and pumps summed and beeped all hours of the day. Parents were physically and emotionally exhausted and there was always a kid crying somewhere. They tried to quiet down things during the night so that patients could rest but there was always something to do. No one wanted to be in the PICU but extraordinary circumstances had brought people to this place and it was the PICU's team task to make the stay as positive as possible.

Over the last couple of days, a specific resident had given them a hard time when it came to following the exact post-op orders. He kept interfering with them to the point where the patients' well-being was in danger and Meredith wasn't having it anymore. This was the final straw.

Meredith disinfected her hands with the solution when she entered the unit. There were three neurosurgical patients on the floor. One of which she had operated on for six hours just this morning. The girl had been involved in an accident and hadn't been out of surgery for ten hours. Her status was critical, there had been so much damage that Meredith had doubted if she would ever make it off the table. She had pulled through and the EEG was promising. There was a chance that she would be able to wake up if they continued to treat her as Meredith had ordered. The resident, however, kept interfering with the plan.

The room was lit by the machines and pumps. There were way too many machines and lines connected to the little girl's body. For every parent this was a scary view, for Meredith however this was her job. The girl's mother was sleeping on a recliner in the corner, stirring slightly when Meredith quietly entered. Meredith gave her a once over, she checked her pupillary response and made sure that the ICP, which was monitored through an intraventricular catheter, was in the acceptable range. After she had assured herself that there were no signs that deemed another CT scan as necessary, Meredith left the room without the mother ever noticing her presence.

Meredith logged into a mobile computer that was stationed outside of the PICU room and studied the chart once more, making sure she hadn't missed something that could potentially be devastating. She looked at the horrific pre-op scans compared them to the first set of post-op scans and the set of scans that Hannes had ordered four hours ago. After she had triple-checked her assessment Meredith walked away in direction of the nurses' station.

"Dr. Grey is everything okay?" one of the nurses asked her.

"It will be," she answered, "Where is he?"

"He's in the office."

"Thank you."

The resident sat at a desk charting. He was a third-year internal medicine resident who was on his first-ever PICU rotation, he was probably a couple of years older than Meredith and seemed to be the type of guy who needed to be put in his place. Everything pediatric had different rules than grown-ups. There was no specific neuro PICU unlike for the adults.

"Dr. Wagner?" Meredith asked.

"Yes?" he looked up at Meredith confusedly. They hadn't met yet.

"I'm Dr. Grey the interims chief of pediatric neurosurgery. And I think we need to have a serious chat. My colleagues have been complaining about you specifically. It seems like specific post-op orders have been ignored or have been overruled for the last couple of nights. Which is breaking the most important PICU rule. I am the treating physician, neurosurgery is the treating department, every change, every order, and every concern runs by us without an exception. That's the golden rule. There are no solo rides, this is a team sport and we're the team captain. If I hear one more time that you ordered and brought my patient to a test deliberately ignoring my residents', my surgeons' or my orders you're going to have a big, big problem. Consider this your last friendly warning," Meredith told him sternly.

"I just thought that I act fast since the ICP was borderline," the resident shrugged.

"That's the point: borderline, within range. That I set post-op. When you have concerns about a neurological issue of a neurosurgical patient you call neurosurgery. We will see the patient and decide the further course of action based on our expertise. Because we know the data and the studies and we have worked with patients for years. We know to minimally mobilize post-op TBI patients. We know that moving them increases their ICP and gives them a worse chance of a full recovery. We know about post-op edema and swelling. That's why you call us first before doing anything. Do. You. Understand?" Meredith asked him. The resident nodded, he wasn't the first one that had been surprised by Meredith's tough side. "Good. I canceled the CT. Radiology knows to not take any orders from you for a neurosurgical patient and on Monday I'm going to have a word with your supervisor. Until then you're staying the hell away from any of my department's patients. Understood?" He nodded again. "Good."

* * *

Satisfied with having dealt with that issue so quickly, Meredith reentered her office. Over the years the four of them had made it their own. They had brought more and more personal items in order to survive the long hours in the hospital. The fridge was always stocked with food for long on-call nights. On the wall above two of their desks was a bulletin board with photographs and postcards that had accumulated over the years. Whenever something major happened they would document it and pin it to the wall. Lena had started the tradition in their first month as residents. Back then they had taped the memorabilia to the wall in the residents' lounge. When they had gotten the office the pictures had moved with them. The wall showed all major milestones: Ludwig's and Lena's weddings, pictures of their kids in all stages, significant others, families and friends, every medical milestone they had taken: earning their doctorates, first miles stones in surgery, solo surgeries and procedures and research publications. But they also had thank-you cards from patients up there to remind them why they spent so much of their time training to become a physician. Meredith liked the bulletin board, she enjoyed being able to see how far they have come since they had started together.

Derek sat at her desk reading some of the papers she had laying on her desk. She had forgotten that they were there. He looked up when she entered. She sat down on one of the chairs that wasn't occupied by him and grabbed the stack of to be signed paperwork off her desk and started placing her signature at the bottom of the page.

"Can I get a copy of this?" Derek held up the papers.

"I'm sorry but that won't be possible," Meredith didn't look up from her paperwork.

"Not possible?" Derek asked

"Yes. It's not published yet and it won't be for a while."

"Too bad, it's brilliant. Where did you get it?"

"Years of research, hard work, blood, sweat, and tears."

"All of this is your work?" Derek ran his fingers through the five-centimeter stack of paper.

"Yes."

"For what?"

"For my habilitation."

"Habilitation?"

"Yes, you know to become a professor."

"I know what a habilitation is," Derek rolled his eyes adding teasingly: "You want to be Professor Dr. Meredith Grey?"

"I don't want to be Prof. Dr. Meredith Grey. I'm going to be Prof. Dr. Meredith Grey, someday in the future."

"Don't get me wrong but aren't you doing this all a little out of order?"

"Is it crazy that I'm writing on my habilitation at 27? Yes. Am I doing it out of order? No. I'm pretty sure it's the next and only logical academic step I can take. And it's a very long tedious process, so there won't be a professor added to my name anytime soon," the young doctor explained, laying the stack of paperwork to the side. By now her headache was so distracting that she had a hard time concentrating on one thing, let alone two. As the adrenalin was wearing off, exhaustion and pain were taking its place. She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply trying to breathe the pain and the beginning nausea away. Her left hand clenched into a fist.

"You okay?" Derek asked after a while.

"Mhm, just tired. I had a very long day," Meredith assured him.

"Maybe you should probably try to eat and drink something. You look a little pale."

She shook her head, there was no way she would be able to get anything down. Not listening to her he uncapped a bottle of sparkling apple juice they stored in their fridge and handed it to her. "Thank you but I'm fine."

"Here it is again - that word. Just take a sip. You've been running around for hours and didn't have the chance to sit down once. And then got knocked out without getting knocked out. Some sugar might be helpful."

Meredith took the bottle with shaking hands and took the smallest sip and swallowed it with effort. All she had to eat today was a small breakfast and two granola bars right after surgery. That paired with - what she guessed – a mild concussion was less than healthy. Doctors were crap at taking care of themselves. All-day they cared for others forgetting about themselves most of the time. She gave the bottle back to Derek but before he could protest that she hadn't drunk enough her hospital phone rang to tell her that there was a room waiting for her.

* * *

The ER nurses had done a great job clearing a good room for her. It was at the end of the ER hallway, away from the noise of the waiting room and away from the rooms where they stitched up the loud, drunk Oktoberfest patients. For ER circumstances it was quiet. Like any other room, there was a single hard bed and an uncomfortable plastic visitors' chair. When they had arrived down in the ER, Marie had shared Derek's concern about Meredith's wellbeing and had put in an IV to get some fluids into her. She was grateful that a seasoned nurse had poked her rather than one of than unexperienced med students or residents who were wandering the halls at that time of day.

When she had gotten the call she had tried to send Derek on his way again but he had just laughed at her. It was kind of sweet actually that he decided to stay, but it was nothing Meredith was used to in a guy she had a crush on.

Meredith laid on the bed, her arm draped over her eyes trying to fight the headache and the nausea that were persistently getting worse the more time went on. Derek yawned loudly.

"Go get some sleep," Meredith sighed loudly.

"It's fine. I'm really not that tired. I napped before I came here."

"Armature," Meredith mumbled.

"What did you say?"

"You don't do a lot of transatlantic traveling, do you? Otherwise, you would know to not nap to beat the jet lag. You're going to be so dead tomorrow morning."

"I'll manage. Don't worry."

They fell back in their silence for a while. "Tell me something," Meredith said into the silence.

"What do you want to know?"

"I don't care. Just tell me something. I need something to concentrate on so I don't think about how nauseous I am. How is Seattle treating you?"

"Pretty well. Life changed a lot. The job is more complex than I initially expected. There is too much paperwork and I lose so much time to administrative tasks, it's insane. But I think I have figured out a system now. Teaching is actually a rewarding part of the job. I never thought I would enjoy it as much as I do. Working with interns and residents is a daily challenge, but it's a fun change and I enjoy seeing their excitement. And then in the next second they ruining it by doing something incredibly rash and stupid. They sure know how to keep you on your toes. I can't complain about the job part. Socially, however, there isn't a lot to report on. I'm in a serious relationship with the Starbucks barista who hands me my coffee every morning. Just the other day we had a two-minute conversation about the Seahawks and I don't even like football…"

"I'm BFFs with the amazon delivery guy. He brings me groceries and everything else I need that I don't have time to pick up myself," Meredith commented still fighting the feeling that she might have to throw up.

"I live in a trailer. Every time I order something they can't figure out where I live and I need to go to one of the lockers to pick it up."

"You live in a trailer?!" Meredith asked, moving her arm a little to give him a side-eye, "Like in a trailer park or something? Midlife crisis much? Moving to rainy Seattle and then into a trailer?"

"I don't live in a trailer park. I live in an airstream trailer on my property in the woods just outside of Seattle where I plan on building a house or a cabin someday in the future. Do you really think I'm the type of guy who would live in a trailer park?" the neurosurgeon asked visibly taken aback.

"No. But the thought is hilarious," Meredith giggled. "At least you don't have roommates."

"You live with Dr. Steven and Dr. O'Malley, don't you?."

"Yes. How the hell do you know that?"

"You were absent in my microscopic surgery skills lab. I asked them where you were since they are in an intern group with you. They had no idea and then realized that you hadn't been home for two nights," Derek explained pointedly. "Actually, no one knew where you were. Not any interns, no residents either. When I told the Chief about your mysterious disappearance, I got informed that you had taken a leave of absence. They had no idea that you had left Seattle."

"Oh, yeah that. Sorry. My roommates aren't the most observant people. In retrospect, I wouldn't pick them as roommates again or anybody to be honest. But now that they're moved in I can't kick them out again," Meredith whispered.

"Why did you move in with them in the first place?"

"I don't know. I was tired, overworked and lonely and decided on two hours of sleep that roommates would be a great idea. You know to beat the loneliness and to share the maintenance costs of the house. I didn't think that I would be giving up my sanity in the process, but you're always smarter after."

"Carry the maintenance costs of the house? Where did you move into?"

"I was actually born in Seattle and lived there for the first five-ish years of my life. My mother never sold the house."

"You own a house in Seattle?"

"No. My mother does … so by proxy, I do. All I know is that I have to deal with it and it's expensive to keep up a house that hasn't been lived in for over five years. And around the clock nursing care is expensive as hell …" Meredith trailed off.

"How's your mom?" Derek asked.

"Not good. The move sent her in a downward spiral. Nowadays she is more somewhere else than actually in the present. It's a tragedy that I'm unfortunately a part of. Last time I talked to her team they were suggesting that I take over her permanent guardianship. Signing everything over to me, stripping away all her remaining rights. That through me in a spiral, plus everything she pulls on a regular basis. The last three months have been rough, mainly emotionally. I hadn't expected that it would impact me so intensely, especially since our relationship never had been the greatest. For most of my life, she was always more busy advancing her career than caring for me. But it did, and still does. While I'm here I try to ignore the situation, to be honest. It's a vacation from my responsibility," Meredith thought out loud, "What about your conundrum?"

"What conundrum?"

"Don't play dumb. The one that brought you running to Seattle in the middle of the night. The one you tried to solve by filling a transcontinental divorce a week after you found her in your bed with your best friend," Meredith moved her arm to look at him.

"Way to rub it in," Derek feigned hurt.

"You asked about my mother, so I get to ask about your wife, ex-wife, soon-to-be-ex-wife. Whatever she is," Meredith moved her arm back, the bright overhead light was only worsening her headache. "Besides, does anyone in Seattle know why you left New York, that you have a wife or that you are getting a divorce?"

"I could ask the same question."

"Don't deflect, Derek," Meredith laughed "And for your info, the only person that knows most of it - other than the staff at the nursing home – is sitting in this room."

"Same here. Richard still thinks that Addison and I are in a long-distance relationship. That she'll move to Seattle so that we can be together," Derek sighed.

"The Chief knows your … whatever she is?" Meredith asked clearly surprised.

"He was our residency director in New York. That was before he took over as Chief in Seattle."

"Mhm, I didn't know that. I always thought he had stayed in Seattle all this time… And then he returned to Seattle Grace, interesting," Meredith stated thoughtfully.

"Returned to Seattle Grace?"

"Yes. A Richard Webber and an Ellis Grey started their medical career at that hospital."

"Your mother and Richard know each other?"

"Know, knew, who knows at this point?"

Derek began a sentence but a soft knock on the door interrupted him. Meredith moved her arm. A young female entered the room. She was wearing a white coat and hospital-issued scrubs. Meredith knew her, she was a first-year resident who had started her residency just a couple of weeks ago. Meredith had been one of her teachers in med school. She suppressed a sigh. The hospital was a teaching facility and during the Oktoberfest season, it was all hands on deck. Meredith was a big supporter of allowing young physicians to get their feet wet, to let them interact with patients, diagnose and treat them. Based on their level of experience they were sent into situations in order to grow as physicians, a superior always there to answer questions, talk over results and jump in when needed. She would be a giant hypocrite if she would send her out without giving her the opportunity the preached about.

"Dr. Grey I have some forms for you to sign," the resident handed two clipboards and a pen to Meredith.

"What kind of forms?" Meredith asked, she always forgot to sign paperwork in the ER, no matter if she brought patients in or picked them up for surgery. Sometimes young doctors or nurses tracked her down in her office to get her signature.

"The first one is for the young woman with the brain bleed. You need to sign for the double physician's consent." Meredith placed her illegible signature at the bottom of the page and handed the clipboard back. "And the second one is your consent for your head CT." Meredith handed her the clipboard signatureless back. "You need to sign it."

"Mrs. Schneider," most German physicians started their postgraduate medical training without a doctorate in medicine. "If I were you, I would leave and reenter as if I'm an actual patient. Because right now, I am. Remember to introduce yourself, ask the questions you need to ask, do the appropriate exam and inform about the risks versus the benefits for the test before you ask for consent. You are the first physician that patients get to see. Just because I ordered my CT and wrote down my preliminary diagnosis to get everything moving more quickly, doesn't mean that you get to skip important steps in patient care," Meredith told her. The resident looked at her with big scared eyes. "I won't bite, at least not today. Take it as a learning opportunity. There's not much you can do wrong here. So practice while you can." The resident nodded and turned around and left again.

"What was that all about?" Derek asked a little confused by the interaction he couldn't understand.

"Just a teaching moment. She's going to come back. You were just going to tell me about your pending divorce."

"Was I?"

"Oh yes,"

"You really want to know about it?"

"Yes. Have you talked to anyone about what's going on? Obviously no one in Seattle but maybe your family?" Meredith asked.

"I don't want to talk to my sisters about that. I have four of them. They are friends with Addison and fear that they'll lose a friendship if I divorce her. I don't care if they stay friends, they can continue to meet for coffee and go shopping after work. My sisters think that I should forgive and forget and get over it because that's what you should do. You don't give up on a marriage, you fight for it. And to a certain degree, I agree, but my 'marriage' is not worth fighting for. It hasn't been a marriage in a long time. It's more two unhappy people living together making each other more unhappy. And my mother doesn't understand why I left New York, sold everything, moved to Seattle without working things out first. But in the end the only thing she cares about that I'm happy," Derek elaborated.

"But you haven't been happy in a while."

"I can see that now. I haven't seen how miserable I've been until I came to Seattle and got some perspective. I'm still not 100% there. But I'm getting there - slowly but surely. There is still too much to be figured out before I can close the chapter for good. For example, convincing Addison in an amicable way that we're better apart than together. But all she sees is that she hurt me and that the situation is fixable with some measures. She's lacking the perspective to see that our marriage was broken before she broke it."

"And you haven't talked to her?"

"No, I haven't. At first, I wasn't ready and now she refuses to talk to me other than in person. Her lawyer told my lawyer who told me. One of my biggest fears is that it'll drag on for months or even years and neither of us will be able to find peace. And I just want it to be done," Derek laughed a humorless laugh. "It's really weird talking to you about it."

"Why?" Meredith asked as the resident returned, introducing herself, asking Meredith a bunch of questions, inspecting and cleaning her cut and informing her about the risks of the head CT. Just as Meredith had asked her to, all while being the physician that she had taught her to be. She signed the consent and gave her a thumbs up when she exited the room to get some orderlies to transport her to radiology. "Why is it weird to talk to me about it?"

"Because you … I don't know," Derek ran his hand through his hair, "You frustrate me because I don't understand you. I can't seem to figure you out. Usually, I'm good at reading people. But you? … Every time I think I have finally figured out who you are, you blindside me. Ten days ago, I was certain about what I told you …"

"You mean that my mother had pressured me into becoming a surgeon and that I would never make it?" Meredith interrupted him.

"Yes. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said any of that. It was unprofessional and I crossed a line. I'm sorry."

"Apology accepted."

"All of my professional life I've been surrounded by yea-sayers. In my practice, I was my own boss. As partners, we never talked about treatment plans. I was great at what I did. To be honest, it was very comfortable to be excellent at something specific, so I stopped innovating and keeping up with the newest research. In Seattle, this is catching up to me, not that anybody would actually say something, because most of my department did the same. Neuro was somewhat a forgotten specialty before I took over. I have big plans for the future but who knows," Derek told her, "Then I met you at Joe's. And I really had a great time. All of it - not just the sex. You are an intern at the hospital I work at. The intern that is just there. You started with a bang and then just existed - not standing out in neither a negative nor positive way. Drowning in the crowd of eager interns who fight for every opportunity to do anything. And you tell me that I suck at my job and remind me of what is at stake. You questioned my decision in front of half of my department, backed up by science. I still have no idea how you pulled the newest pediatric epilepsy research out of your hat and offered a completely different treatment approach when you spent twenty minutes with the patient."

"It's not that new. There have been trials for some time now."

"Yeah, but it's not something an intern just stumbles across. Interns don't have access to running trail reports and records."

"Yeah maybe," Meredith shrugged.

"And here you are and now I'm back to square one trying to figure you out. Now I'm even more confused but fascinated at the same time. I want to get to know you – all of you. Telling you about my divorce somehow feels wrong because everything in me wants to impress you and for you to like me. And telling you about my failed marriage and all my flaws seems contra-productive. But then I do it anyway because you ask."

"You want to impress me?"

"Sure. There was a reason why I talked to you at Joe's. I didn't just pick the most miserable looking woman in a bar in hopes that I would get her into bed."

"Good to know," Meredith teased.

"Yeah, I mean I did ask you out after. Or at least tried to."

"And then I yelled at you for your poor first intern day performance and refused your generous gift of observing the surgery. I remember. After that, I was just a thorn in your eye."

"That's not true!"

"Don't deny it. I saw the glares and stares."

"At least I didn't try to disappear every time you turned up. I saw you slip through doors and disappear behind corners," Derek raised his eyebrows. "I have a question. If I wouldn't be your boss would you have said yes?"

"To what?" Meredith asked the concussion making her a little slower than usual.

"To going out again?"

"Yes, I would have," Meredith blushed a little.

"Will you go out with me then?" Derek asked.

"Derek, the situation hasn't changed. I'm still not dating my boss."

"Why not?"

"First of all the politics, what do you think would happen if anyone found out? It would be hell for me and you. Most importantly I would never date my students or subordinates. I'm a firm believer that relationships should be equal. There shouldn't be a power difference. A healthy relationship should be built on equal respect for each other. And I don't see how that can work if one holds a position of power over the other during most hours of the day. I'm not opposed to work-relationships, because let's be honest how should we ever meet someone if we wouldn't date within the hospital. That being said adding a boss-subordinate dynamic to the mix just messes with things from the very beginning."

"I can respect that. But an incredibly smart blonde told me a couple of hours ago that I have no authority over her while I'm here – whatever that means. I think said blonde also has missed all of her neurosurgical rotation which makes me not her immediate boss ever again," Derek challenged her smiling his gorgeous smile.

"You're unbelievable!" Meredith exhaled.

"What do you say? One date? Please," Derek asked smiling.

"Fine. One date," Meredith replied hiding a big simile under her arm. "And why do you assume that I have written off neuro already?"

"I don't know. You just didn't seem into it. Maybe neurology but not neurosurgery."

Before Meredith had the chance to say anything, a nurse came and picked her up for the CT scan.

* * *

3/21/20

Well, things in the real world escalated since the last update. I hope everyone is staying healthy and is practicing social distancing. I hope this chapter could distract you from the happenings outside and give you some joy. Let me know what you think.

As always thank you for your support - I'm still blown away that people read my story. I love reading your reviews and what you think. Thank you! Stay happy and healthy!


	9. Chapter 9 - Messe München

Welcome back!

Reminder: All conversations between Meredith and a new character are meant to be in German, but are in English. Every conversation between Meredith and a known character is meant to be in English. I hope I make sense. Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 9 - Messe München**

The air was clear and crisp when Meredith walked to the subway station on this late September morning. At times like these, she realized how much she had missed the city. On her way to the subway station, she walked by the bakery at the corner, the Turkish and Greek fruit shops, and her usual grocery store. She had missed the people and their weird little quirks that she had hated before. Munich was the third biggest city in Germany, but somehow it had a small-town feel. There was always someone you ran into while being out and about. Meredith had missed knowing people outside of her job.

The subway station was pretty busy for a Saturday morning when the white and blue subway cart drove in. Normally only a handful of people needed to go places at this hour on a Saturday morning, but with the Oktoberfest in town normal life was disrupted.

Meredith got on the train and sat down on the old cracked fake leather bench. The stuffy smell of the subway cart reminded her of home, good times and weird encounters. The train had seen better days but was clean. The familiar announcement reminded travelers to stand clear of the doors. It had taken her years to finally understand the mumbled announcements, which were only spoken in German or the local dialect. The specific sound rang when the doors closed.

She wore navy slacks, a light-colored blouse that she had tucked in, a blazer, a light fall coat to keep her warm during the cooler morning hours and sneakers. In her purse, she carried a pair of nude heels. This morning she had gotten up earlier than she had originally planned to cover up the hideous bruise that had formed around her left eye. A ton of makeup later and Meredith had declared the mission to make herself look less than an assault victim as a semi-success. On normal days she had a hard enough time to apply makeup in a way that would last throughout the workday. Her current situation was way above her ability level. She was a surgeon and not a makeup artist. The result was just good enough that a room full of men wouldn't notice her injury right the second she walked in. She wasn't one that cared a lot about her appearance. She enjoyed dressing up for occasions but didn't care if she ran into someone after a long night in the hospital dressed in baggy jeans and an old sweatshirt. Yet it still bothered her that she was about to step in front of hundreds of reputable people with a black eye.

By the time she had made it home last night, she had been dead tired on her feet. The CT had shown a small orbital fracture but no other serious injuries – as she had expected. After they had stitched up her cut, she had been more than ready to go home and to finally lay down in her bed. But her doctor had had different plans.

* * *

_"Okay then. I'm going to call up and see if they have a room for you upstairs." The ER doc finished stitching up her forehead. Meredith didn't know him, he had started working at the hospital after she had left in late June. He didn't know her either since she came back, she had been working only at days and never at nights._

_"A room?" Meredith asked a little confused._

_"I'd like to keep you overnight for observation and have ophthalmology look at you tomorrow."_

_"Yeah, not going to happen. I'm not staying overnight. I'm going home," she shook her head._

_"I do understand that you want to go home but I would prefer if you stay for observation. There are risks …"_

_"I know the risks. I'm a physician, I work here. And I'm very well aware of my condition and the signs I need to look out for. I'm not getting admitted or staying the night in the ER. I'm going to go home and sleep in my bed," Meredith told him in a tone that didn't leave much room for another argument._

_"A concussion is considered a traumatic brain injury and the orbital fracture could trap one of your extraocular muscles if the fracture shifts."_

_"If is the keyword here. Correct, a concussion is considered a TBI but the mildest form of TBI and mine is mild. So it's the mildest of the mildest. I have a headache, I'm nauseous and I'm tired – there are at least 50 other reasons why I'm exhausted. My CT was clear, I'm alert, I'm not confused, I can hold a conversation, I know my surroundings, I'm not seizing, I …"_

_"Okay, okay I get it. You know what you're talking about," He interrupted her enumeration of potential symptoms._

_"Great so I can go now because I really can't stay."_

_"No. Now it's can't? Earlier it was won't"_

_"In a way, it has always been can't. I need to work tomorrow and can't really be in the hospital because of a precaution."_

_"You're not really planning on working tomorrow, are you?"_

_"I kind of have to. Don't worry, I'm not going to see any patients."_

_"Good?" he looked unconvinced._

_"No really. I wouldn't be that irresponsible, even if you think that I am. I have to attend the annual neuroscience conference," Meredith told him._

_"Have to? There are other ways to collect the training points, you know."_

_"I couldn't care less about the points. If it would be about the points I would skip it. I can't just cancel my classes or my talks on the day I'm supposed to be speaking. By the time I would be discharged I would have missed half of my responsibilities," the ER doc started to say something when she stopped him, "You can't promise me anything. Because you are down here and not up there." She pointed at the ceiling._

_"Let's suppose I let you go home …"_

_"You will," Meredith interjected.  
"Let's suppose I let you go home, the condition would be that there is anyone who can check on you. To make sure that you're condition isn't getting worse. Is there someone?" He asked._

_Meredith sighed loudly. "No there is no one," she whispered defeatedly. She turned her head so the physician wouldn't see the tears that were filling her eyes. She wasn't one to cry easily. Whenever she was overly exhausted and frustrated her eyes decided to water and she couldn't do anything about it – she had tried every method. She looked straight into Derek's face, who was observing the scene quietly._

_"Well, then you'll understand that I can't let you go home in good conscious. And since this is an on-duty injury you can't really leave against medical advice without running into potential trouble with the work insurance," the doctor explained._

_Meredith understood. Too many times did she have similar conversations with patients. She just didn't agree. One tear spilled over, rolling down her cheek._

_"Everything okay?" Derek asked quietly._

_"Yeah, I just want to go home. But apparently, I can't since I will be alone."_

_"That's reasonable," Derek said._

_"I know! I just want to sleep in my bed," Meredith whined._

_"I could come with you and make sure you survive the night," Derek offered._

_"Derek," Meredith protested._

_"I don't mind. And I would feel better if you wouldn't be alone, to be honest," Derek shrugged._

_"Okay."_

* * *

By the time they had reached her apartment, Meredith had been so physically drained that she struggled to unlock her front door. She only remembered parts of the night after that. She remembered how Derek had sat her down in her bathroom and helped her change out of her dirty work clothes. How he had cleaned the remaining blood off her face with a washcloth and had brought her to bed. She remembered that he had insisted that he would sleep on the couch in the living room. After that, she just slept until her alarm had woken her earlier this morning. He must have snuck out of at some point in the morning. When her alarm woke her, the apartment was empty and the note on nightstand wished her an uneventful day.

Meredith had never come around telling him about her position at the hospital, her training or that she would be a contributing member at the conference. She had planned to tell him but every time the conversation had come closer to the topic they had been interrupted by something from more importance. It wasn't fair to him that he didn't know and that he would be in for the shock of a lifetime. She would have preferred to tell him in private rather than him finding out from someone else or running into her at the conference.

Her accomplishments and what she had achieved in her young life filled Meredith with a sense of pride but she didn't enjoy promoting her genius to the world. She hated it when people called her a prodigy or a genius. She had put in the work and the hours to be where she was. Even though it had been easier for her than for most other people – it hadn't been a walk in the park. She had sacrificed her twenties to become a doctor. She had missed birthdays, holidays, celebrations, weekends and nights for the job. She had overcome fears, insecurities, hardship, and barriers others would never face in a lifetime. She had the skillset to save people's lives. She was grateful for that ability. Her heart beat for her job and would never give it up for anything but ignoring the sacrifices that she made would be a disservice to anyone who chose this profession.

From the bottom of her heart, she wanted to do good – to be a good doctor. To be the doctor that listened to their patients and met their needs. So Meredith had learned to walk the walk rather than talk the talk. She chose to let her actions speak for themselves.

She wasn't an arrogant person and sometimes she lacked the limitless confidence that some older surgeons showed off. Meredith was self-aware, always knowing what she was capable of and when to ask for help. For her young age, she had found a calmness in the OR that some seasoned surgeons were still struggling to find. There was not a lot that could ruffle Meredith's feathers when it came to her job.

Most people she worked with knew her professional pathway. They had seen her develop from a teenager into an accomplished physician. When she traveled somewhere to speak or to train, people knew who she was. They had read her publications. Rarely did she have to talk about her education or her age – so she wasn't very good at it. Telling Derek presented a problem she hadn't run into before. It made her nervous about his reaction. Meredith was glad, however, that she hadn't initially misjudged his character like she had tried to tell herself ever since starting at Seattle Grace.

The early morning sun warmed her skin when she walked the short way from the subway station to the conference center. It was one of those nice late summer early fall weekends that needed to be spent outside enjoying the last remainders of summer before heading into a long dark fall and winter season.

When Meredith had come to Munich she had found it weird that people talked about the weather a lot. They praised their Foehn for the warm fall days and complained about headaches or circulatory problems induced by the weather. She hadn't understood why and what they meant. Now many years later she did the same. Today was a Foehn day, the sky was clear and from the right spot you had a clear view of the Alpes.

Unfortunately, she would be spending the weekend inside talking to people about neurosurgery rather than being outside enjoying the warm sun. She always appreciated a good professional discourse and liked to gain inside into new research, but today it felt more like an obligation than something she attended voluntarily. The looming headache, the mild lingering nausea as well as her state of exhaustion might be a reason she would rather be in bed than being here.

She collected her credentials at the front desk and headed into the room where she would be teaching two groups of fifteen med students and a group of residents the ins and outs of neurosurgery. Her day was jam-packed with appointments.

* * *

Derek sat in a dimly lit lecture hall his eyes heavy, trying to concentrate on the talk in front of him. A glance at his expensive watch told him that he had to endure another thirty minutes before they would break for lunch. Under normal circumstances, he would have soaked up the information presented in front of him, but the long night and the jet lag was kicking his butt. His eyes fell shut for a second, he shook his head in order to stay awake. He would get up to find some coffee if he wasn't sat right in the middle of a row of interested surgeons. There was nothing worse than being that guy. The guy who made half a row stand up to be let out just to come back shortly after. When he had sat down at the beginning of the hour and a half lecture he hadn't thought that he potentially needed to leave. He had followed a group of his American colleagues into the room and had sat down. Now he regretted his lacking foresight. He glanced at his watch again, twenty-nine minutes. He sighed.

He hadn't processed the last twenty hours yet. It had been a whirlwind of unexpected events that didn't make much sense to his tried brain. He had gotten on a plane in Seattle the day before to attend a neurosurgery conference, to see some of his New York colleagues and to come back with new knowledge. He had met some of his colleagues at the airport and together they had been picked up and dropped off at their hotel. He had checked in and had decided to take a quick nap before the evening program. After that everything had come very different than he had planned. It hadn't been a bad different, but it sure had been completely unexpected.

Instead of spending the night in his hotel room getting enough sleep to be fit for the next day, he had slept on a pull-out couch in Meredith's living room. It had surprised him when she had unlocked the front door. He had expected an Airbnb but the apartment felt like home. There were pictures on the wall, an empty cup sat on the side table next to the front door as if someone had finished its contents before leaving for work. In the living room, there were packed boxes stacked against a wall and a laundry basket with clean clothes sitting on the floor ready to be put away. One wall was a giant bookshelf with lots and lots of books.

He hadn't gotten a lot of rest that night, checking on her hourly making sure she was still okay after the blow to her head. He had tried to watch some TV, but all channels had been in German. He had skipped through the channels in hopes he would find something he could understand. Somewhere around channel 150 he had found CNN as the only English option and had turned off the TV again not willing to watch the depressing news. Then he had looked at her collection of books. There were books in many different languages not only German and English. Her collection spun from the standard medical textbooks all the way to biographies of famous painters. Around three he had been finally able to fall asleep.

At six a.m. he had checked on her one last time before leaving her to find his way back to his hotel. Some of his old New York colleagues had agreed to meet for breakfast before heading to the conference together. They were all staying at the same hotel. Derek had shaved, showered and changed into his suit before their breakfast meeting.

Derek suppressed a yawn. The lights turned on and the buzzing sound of single conversations filled the air. He had been so wrapped up in his tired jumble of thoughts that he missed the end of the morning block.

The attendees flowed out of the room to the lunch buffet that had been set up just outside of the conference rooms. There they mixed with attendees from different rooms and lectures. It astonished Derek how many physicians and scientists attended the conference. Some went downstairs to visit the fair, where different companies displayed their new products. Others stayed upstairs to catch up with colleagues from different facilities.

He had never attended a conference of this scale or outside of the states before. The annual meetings of the American Board of Neurological Surgeons had been a yearly must for him and a couple of times he had attended smaller international conferences in the states.

Having spent all of his professional life in New York all of his connections were from the tri-state area. A lot of them were in Munich as well. There always had been an active exchange between all the tri-state neurosurgeons. He had barely talked to his east coast colleagues ever since leaving New York. He had occasionally called to get a new perspective but for the most part, had been too busy that there had been no time for pleasure calls. At the conference they stuck together, talking about their challenges and successes without the fear of being interrupted by an emergent page.

There were so many brilliant minds present in this room, so many people that could report different experiences in different medical system but yet they stayed together like a clique at high school. Standing at a table enjoying a delicious lunch, Derek listened to the rendition of yesterday's evening event. From what he heard did they have a great time with delicious food, good conversation and a lot inside into the hospital system. He wasn't at all sad that he had missed the traditional Bavarian dinner and the guided tour of the hospital.

Even though the night hadn't ended on the greatest note he had enjoyed his time shadowing Meredith. He had enjoyed their long conversations and he had loved to get to know her better. He was falling for her fast. He had never expected to fall so fast for someone else that he barely knew.

This morning he had broken a rule of his. When he had taken the job at Seattle Grace he had made it his policy to never google his residents or interns. He didn't care about their internet presence, whether they shared their experience on YouTube or posted inappropriate pictures on Instagram. He also couldn't care less where they went to school and what awards they had won before coming to Seattle Grace. They had matched into the program and now they needed to prove themselves to be worthy of the program. For him, they started with a clean slate. Everyone deserved the same chances no matter where they went to school or how many opportunities they were given before starting the program.

This morning he had spotted her name on the schedule. He had found it suspicious that there would be a second Dr. Meredith Grey at the conference, so he had clicked on the name. It had been indeed the Meredith Grey he knew. The organizers introduced her as one of the speakers and gave a brief summary of her career at the neurosurgical department in Munich. He had been surprised but after yesterday nothing could really shock him anymore. He had learned to expect the unexpected with her.

Next to them, a group of Italians had a loud and intense conversation about something. They gestured with their hands as they held their espresso cups. Other groups of people were laughing and discussing the topics of the conference. Derek let his eyes wander over the crowd, lost in thought. By the window on the opposite side of the foyer, he spotted her walking along the floor-length window front with a toddler on her hand. They stopped and Meredith crouched down pointing at something outside. He watched them interact for a minute before two men – one with his arm in a big brace the other gray-haired with metal-rimmed glasses - approached the duo interrupting the important conversation they were having. Meredith picked up the little girl and placed her on her hip in a way his sisters used to do when his nieces and nephews were still small. Meredith turned her back to Derek so that he could only see the facial expressions of the two men she was talking to. They seemed concerned and worried. She shifted the toddler onto her other hip, deep in a discussion with the other two. A second woman – he had seen her in photos in Meredith's office - joined the group taking the toddler from her.

Derek was pulled back into the conversation at his table. Half an hour later when he looked back at the spot the group had disassembled and he had lost sight of her again. She was hard to track down – a task that should be easy in between all the male attendees. He had so many questions that he wanted to ask her. People around them began relocating into the different conference rooms for the next block of scheduled presentations.

* * *

Meredith was enjoying an unexpected break. A break she desperately needed even if it was hard for her to admit. Her schedule was booked back to back. Classes in the morning, after lunch one panel after another and in the late afternoon she was scheduled to talk twice - two talks she had been preparing for, for months. She provided some of the content that physicians all around Europe came to hear.

There was no time for her to go sit in on any of the lectures herself. To gain the shared research she would have to read the provided manuscripts after the conference was finished. The presentation on glioma research had scheduled at the same time as her second class. The lecture on Alzheimer's research that she would have liked to attend for personal reasons interfered with one of the panels she was scheduled to appear on. And the final conclusive report on fetal neurosurgery – a research study she had actively participated in over last years collided with one of her talks.

Her last panel had finished early and she had thirty minutes to herself. Thirty minutes of replying to emails and trying to rearrange the schedule for the coming week. Thirty minutes in which she sat in the quiet green room, drinking tea, eating candy and being away from people who liked to talk to her about something.

One thing Meredith liked about attending conferences as a speaker was the full access to all amenities. Most conferences provided their speakers with a separate a green-room to get ready for their talk, where they had free snacks and beverages available around the clock, and a place to charge their phones and devices. It also provided a quiet place to sit down and do some work. Quietness was something that wasn't found easily at those events. And today she needed it. Her concussion made her light and noise sensitive. Being with too many people at once made her headache worse. She was used to doing many things simultaneously but now she could only concentrate on one thing. But she powered through it. The green room was empty beside her.

Her badge had also granted her access to the lunch spread for free and that food luckily never disappointed. For someone who lived off hospital cafeteria food, snacks and take-out, conference food was a welcome change. It was one of the few advantages of giving up her Saturday. At lunch, she had learned that her replacement as a staff surgeon on the pediatric unit had taken a different position at a different hospital leaving them another week short-staffed. And with her out for the coming week, she faced even a greater scheduling dilemma. She has gotten a clear order to recover fully before she was allowed back into the OR doing the job she loved.

The news about her injury had traveled very fast – faster than she had expected. All-day she had people checking in on her, making sure she was doing okay and not over-doing it. They had told her multiple times that she could cancel classes or appearances when it was getting too much for her. They had even rearranged tomorrow's schedule so that she didn't have to come at all. It was sweet how much they cared, but she was a grown woman with multiple medical degrees and some common sense.

She focused back on her tablet screen, moving colored boxes around trying to make the schedule work. She had to postpone all her surgeries for next week, rearrange OR capacity to other surgeons and departments while considering PICU and nursing staff capacity and not trying to overwhelm the system in the coming weeks. The more she moved the different colored boxes the more she realized that she would not be leaving Munich in the next two weeks. At least not until Matze was fit enough to take over admin again and they had another surgeon lined up to deal with the mountain of cases they had lined up. His injures were sever for a surgeon and after two surgeries repairing the initial damage, there was a long and exhausting road to recovery ahead of him. Meredith was not about to leave the unit in the hands of someone who had no idea how things were run. Despite her young age she had contributed much value to the department and had shaped it to what it was known for today. Matze and she were a team and he trusted her blindly when it came to taking over as his temporary replacement. She knew how to keep the department running while maintaining her own busy surgery schedule. She knew the nitty-gritty details of how a hospital operated and kept its doors open.

Meredith checked the updated schedule one more time before she sent it out to the team, knowing that some wouldn't be happy with the changes. Her job wasn't to please individuals but to make sure the collective ran smoothly.

Meredith stepped off stage, with her headache flaring up but feeling accomplished to get such a positive response. Relive filled her that she had made through the day. She handed her mic-pack to the person running tech and thanked him. Through the thin wall, she heard the crowd leaving the lecture hall. She had finished off the day for that particular room and attendees spilled in the foray loudly chatting as they always did.

Meredith kicked off her high heels happy to change back in her sneakers. She hated those things but she liked the look of them more than flats. So she suffered through the pain. In foresight she had brought her purse to the backstage area, so all she had to do is grab her back and leave without being caught up in senseless conversations about her talks. She slipped out of her blazer and through on the sweater she had brought – feeling much better already.

She had spotted Derek in the crowd when she had stepped on stage. There was no need to look for him she had automatically found him seated at the edge of a row all dressed up. He looked good in a suit. They had briefly made eye contact before she had started both of her talks. It was strangely comforting seeing him there as it had been seeing her friends and colleagues that also sat in the audience.

Slipping out of the backstage area she hoped that she could make it out of the conference center unseen. She planned to forgo the scheduled evening event, to go home and have a relaxing evening at home figuring out how to keep herself entertained through her forced hospital hiatus.

The thing with plans was that they rarely play out as wished. Halfway through the crowd of attendees, she got stopped. She didn't mind talking to people about her research and anything that concerned the topic but she had made the experience that whenever she had finished a talk people rarely liked to talk about the essence but preferred wasting her time with sales pitches. The real interesting conversations happened weeks later through email when everyone had time to read the transcripts or were facing the issues she had discussed in real life.

When she finally had gotten rid of the salesperson she ran into the arms of her boss-boss who insisted introducing her to some American physicians. He dragged her across the lobby back to where they were standing. He talked happily about what a success the first day had been and all the new insides he had gained. The information about her concussion apparently hadn't reached him yet. The prospect of a lengthy conversation exhausted her. Her apartment was calling loudly. There was nothing more she wanted to do than picking up some food on her way home, putting on a pair of sweatpants and watch the first minutes of a bad Netflix movie.

Prof. Eder was so excited to show her off, that he didn't notice the big dark circles under her eyes and that she seemed more quiet than usual.

He introduced her to the group of New Yorker surgeons who seemed interested in her research. They asked her detailed questions and one was very eager to get into the nitty greedy details of her methods – making her head buzz even more.

"You seem to have an answer to everything. I'm impressed, people usually don't remember details past their presentation. I'm really looking forward to reading the entire study,"

"There's a shortened version uploaded to a pre-print server. But I think that the New England Journal of medicine is planning on publishing the entire paper in the next issue. It's going to go a little more into detail than what I talked about today," Meredith explained. She noticed that her thinking was slower than usual – something that felt very out of the ordinary – but she could recall all the details if she wanted to.

"That's great. In January the American Association of Neurological Surgeons meets in Boston for their annual conference, do you think you would be able to present your research there?" Dr. Applebaum, head of neurosurgery at NYU asked her after twenty minutes of intense conversation.

"It's an honor to be considered. My current work situation is a little complicated at the moment and I don't think it would be a smart idea to commit to anything at the moment," Meredith replied, rubbing her forehead that had started to throb uncomfortably.

Dr. Applebaum looked a little confused at her statement but decided to not ask about the details: "You don't need to decide anything right now. I'm just going to send you the information via email and then you can think about it."

"I will. Thank you."

"I have one more question if you don't mind …" he started again. Meredith suppressed a sigh and was about to reply when Dr. Applebaum got interrupted.

"I think we should let Mer… Dr. Grey go. I'm sure she has a busy schedule. I'm sure she will answer your remaining questions via email after you read the paper, John," Derek said jokingly. He had joined the group in the middle of the conversation. "Besides it's getting late and if you want to make the bus and be able to change before tonight we should probably get going."

"Where did the time go!" Dr. Applebaum exclaimed checking his watch, "Well Dr. Grey it was a pleasure to meet you and I really hope you consider my proposition again," he shook Meredith's hand and turned around. "Where did everyone go?"

"They left about two minutes ago, you can still catch them," Derek told his old teacher and mentor.

"Well, then I will try to find them. I'm horrible at directions," With that, he hurried for the door.

Meredith picked up her bag from the floor. "Thank you," she told him honestly.

"No problem, you looked like you needed some saving. He tends to get very invested in topics that interest him. It's a compliment but at some point, you need to stop him or he will be going for hours," Derek joked. They slowly walked to the exit. "So …"

"I bet you have a lot of questions," Meredith looked up with an apologetic look on her face.

"That I do."

* * *

Empty takeout containers sat next to two glasses of wine on the coffee table in front of them. Meredith sat barefaced on the couch cross-legged, a blanket on her lab. She wore sweatpants and a knit sweater. He sat next to her his body turned facing her. Somehow they had ended up at her apartment together again. He had gone back to his hotel room, but instead of changing for the party, he had changed to go see her his toothbrush and a change of clothes packed in his bag.

Meredith didn't know what she was doing. For her, it was uncharted territory but by this point, she didn't care anymore. She enjoyed spending time with him, she was extremely attracted to him and in the last 24 hours, they had crossed so many lines that all her rules didn't make sense anymore. She had agreed to go on a date with him, he had spent the night on her sofa before. He had watched her work, get hit and stitched up. They had shared secrets and feelings. So why make a big deal out of it now? Her story was very much a part of her. She couldn't change who she was and for him to get to know her he needed to know. Why only telling him half and then later telling him the other half? It didn't make a lot of sense to her.

She had told him how she had come to Munich, why she had decided to study medicine in the Bavarian capital. She had tutored him in the German university system to give him a chance to understand her complex story a little more.

"I finished my courses but before you are able to fully graduate you have to do the 'PJ', a practical year at any hospital in Germany, Europe or basically wherever they take you. My initial plan always had been for me to study in Germany and move back for my residency. It was something my mother was very passionate about and part of the deal we had made to let me move to Munich in the first place. I spent half of my PJ in the states. While I was there I did the whole American residency application and interviewing process. I visited different programs and looked into what they had to offer, I talked to residency directors, filled out paperwork, went to applicants events and did the whole spiel. It was an exhausting progress and for someone who already worked intern hours, it was far more complicated than a fourth-year med student. Being an international student complicated the search for the right residency. Getting into one of the highly competitive programs is far more problematic with a foreign diploma. The fact that I couldn't quite narrow down what I wanted to do was also a hindering factor. I loved surgery but I also really enjoyed anesthesiology and critical care. I liked neurology and oncology and ophthalmology and emergency medicine …"

"You're running out of -ologies," Derek commented.

Meredith rolled her eyes but continued talking: "Basically, I couldn't decide. I enrolled in my first master's program ready to postpone my residency for a year, dead set on moving back stateside. Anyways I returned to Munich for the second half of my PJ. I defended my dissertation, interviewed with some more programs and worked at the hospital. While doing all of that I was involved in some research groups and taught some classes at the university. With having the direct comparison between the two systems I realized that I liked it better where I was. Munich fit my personal needs better than any program I had interviewed with. They offered me a residency that was tailored to me and my hyperactive brain. They wanted me to stay, I wanted to stay, so I did. It was the best decision I could have made," Meredith smiled playing with the edge of the blanket.

"Let's circle back a little bit. You enrolled in your first master's program?" Derek used her brief pause to ask her one of his many questions.

"Yes, I've two. An MPH and an MHA."

"You confuse me. Why do you need a master's degree in health administration?"

"I don't need it per se. It's just that every hospital doctor I know keeps complaining about their administration that they have no connection to what we do and what we actually need. They create policies that make no sense to us and complicate our lives. But let's be honest: we don't have a clue what they do either – we just complain. It makes negotiating with them much easier if you know what you're talking about. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Where was I?"

"Your residency. What did you end up deciding?" Derek asked taking a sip of his wine, relaxing more into the sofa cushion.

"Right. I kind of did three simultaneously which actually worked out better than expected," Meredith watched his face for a reaction. He seemed stunned but let her continue: "I did general surgery but at this point, it is more of a formality. It's a great basis to have. I mainly focused on neurosurgery and anesthesiology. The past year I mostly dedicated to complicated pediatric neuro tumors or any rare brain tumors. I can do the whole spectrum, But I never quite found the joy for epilepsy surgery."

"Yet, you knew a surgical solution for that little girl," Derek countered.

"Just because I don't enjoy doing it doesn't mean that I don't follow what my colleagues do. Anything cutting edge is fascinating to me. The results are very promising," Meredith argued.

"True. That's why we are talking about going that route," Derek confessed. "So during the day you are a super-physician and because that's not enough you spent your nights saving people from their drunk stupidities."

"Only like ten days a year. And it usually never ends like this," Meredith gestured to her bruise. "But I can't say it's the first time I ever got injured doing my job – that would be a lie. It's the second time."

"Oh great, good to know," Derek laughed sarcastically. "How on earth did you manage to do three residencies at the same time?"

"By putting in a lot of hours and I loved every second of it. And it's been six years since I started. I worked the same hours doing three residencies at once as I do one surgical internship in the states. Anyways everything was going smoothly, I was three months away from finishing my triple certification. I was operating independently for years, taking on complicated cases and leading trail surgeries. I was involved in research and clinical trials. I had a great job lined up with a team that I love. I have great friends, a great work family and even something that resembles a real family. I was writing my habilitation and teaching my residents and med students. I bought an apartment and was planning to stay here. And then …" Meredith let the unfinished sentence hang there. Every time she thought about the 'what could haves' and the reality she got incredibly sad.

"And then your mother got diagnosed," Derek saw what it meant for her to give all of this up.

"And then I got the call that turned everything upside down. All of a sudden I'm my mother's guardian. I'm back in the states, in a city I would have never chosen at my own will. I move into my parents' old house. I start working at the hospital my mother started her career, everyone starts comparing me to her, trying to see if I can live up to her legacy. I'm not my mother, I don't want to be my mother. My mother isn't exactly a person you aspire to be. For years I have worked my butt off to not be compared to her to establish me outside of her shadow. For years I have been in the driver seat, making my own professional and personal decisions. And now I feel like I'm a passenger of my life and my mother has taken over again," Meredith inhaled loudly getting up from her spot, pacing around the living room. "I'm an overqualified intern who gets yelled at for thinking outside the box. Something my colleagues very much apricate about me. I could be saving lives – literal lives. I could give a little girl a future. A little boy could live to see his fifth birthday. A twelfth-year-old may be able to ride her bike again because I was there when she came in with her brain injury. I could make sure your patient is safely asleep during a complicated surgery. Or that a dad gets the care in the ICU he deserves. I could be teaching residents or med students – I could shape them into great doctors. Instead all of that I'm running labs, staring at computer screens and clicking boxes. I can't do what I love because of bureaucracy. I wasted hours on phone to the medical boards trying to convince them that I'm allowed to practice medicine on an attending level in the United States and the state of Washington. Who knows how long that will take since I was just able to send in the official paperwork to request that a foreign residency acceptance," Meredith ranted letting herself fall back on the couch.

"A what?"

"A foreign residency acceptance request. If you finished your residency outside of the US, the particular board needs to accept your education for you to be able to take the oral boards. You could practice without board certification but most states will revoke your license if you're not board certified by a certain point and it's almost impossible to find a job without it. As you probably already know. At least I was able to get my medical license for now, so I could be considered a resident," Meredith sighed frustratedly. "I get why they have this system in place. They want to protect their medical system and make sure that the physicians working the system are meeting their standards. I get it and to all their own. But I studied and trained in Germany, at one of the best universities in the country, a university that continually ranks higher in the international ranking than some American institutions. I just don't get it and it exhausts me. And just thinking about it makes me not want to go back," Meredith whispered desperately.

"I'm sure they will come to their senses," he squeezed her hand reassuringly. "We – as a community would be stupid to let you down. You have a triple certification, an MPH and an MAH. And that at your age."

"But what if they're not. What if I need to start over," Meredith looked at him, tears spilling over, a mixture of pure desperation and exhaustion. "I can't keep pretending to be something I'm not. I can't be living my mother's life. It's killing me. I don't recognize myself when I'm Seattle. What am I supposed to do if they tell me to redo my residency? Am I supposed to sacrifice myself for my mom or am I supposed to be selfish and move back to where I know I can be who I am? Am I supposed to put my career over the only biological family I have left? Making me more like her than I wish to be. I don't want to be her," she cried. Three months of built-up anxiety and existential fear broke out of her at that moment.

Derek took her in his arm and let her cry. He could understand the conflict. He had chosen to leave and for the first time in years, he had made a decision that only concerned himself. She, on the other hand, lost all control. Now that he had taken over control over his own life he could imagine the emotions if he had to lose it again.

"It's going to work out, I'm sure," he whispered to her.

"You don't know that," Meredith protested.

"True, but I'm hopeful and positive. Because if I know anything about you, I'm sure you will figure something out. You'll find a way. I'm saying this with all conviction. You convinced your mother to let you move to Germany at the age of fifteen. And what I heard is Ellis the most stubborn person there is."

He hugged her tighter and let her cry some more, running his finger comforting over her arm.

"Sorry, I made your shirt all wet," Meredith noticed after a while.

"It's no problem," he laughed. "I don't mind salt stains. Feeling better?"

"Yes. Thank you. This was very much needed," Meredith yawned.

"Time for bed?"

"Time for bed," Meredith agreed.

Meredith needed some time to convince him that he could sleep in bed with her rather than staying on the couch again. After some argument and a lot of eye rolls from Meredith's part, Derek had finally agreed.

They were all cuddled up under her covers both ready to call it a night after an exhausting day.

"I have one more question. Why did you leave so suddenly that day? You knew that whatever I said to you, was miles from being true, right?" Derek asked into the darkness.

"I got a call from Prof. Eder. Matze - the head of the pediatric neurosurgery department - had a mountain biking accident and he pretty much destroyed his arm. They needed an extra surgeon and a temporary department head. Someone who knows the ins and outs. Sometimes it's great if you're not exchangeable," Meredith replied simply.

"What?"

"Right now I'm also a 'Head of', even if only temporary."

"So much for impressing you," Derek cuddled closer to her. "Dr. Meredith Grey, MPH, MAH, interims head of," he joked making Meredith laugh.

"When's you're flight back?" she asked after a while.  
"Are you trying to get rid of me already?"

"No! Just answer my question,"

"Tuesday. I told the Chief that there were no earlier flights,"

"You're such a liar!"

"Why do you want to know?"

"Well, tomorrow is my birthday. There is a brunch at Anna's with the kids and some of my closest friends."

"Tomorrow is your birthday?"

"Yes, but it's not important. I was thinking that we could go somewhere after. I was told to not come to work next week."

"Probably a wise idea since you have a concussion,"

"It's stupid but whatever," Meredith rolled her eyes.

"What are you thinking?"

"In four hours we could be in Italy. It's still summer down there. When is the last time you had a vacation?"

* * *

4/11/20

Happy easter egg! Thank you for reading! Thank you for everyone that left a review on my last chapter, I love reading your thoughts. Meredith and Derek finally had the talk.

I hope you are all doing well in this weird time. We are going on week four of state-mandated lockdown. And now that it's spring allergy season I'm home bond anyways. I try to keep busy with lots of baking and cooking and some home projects. Let's hope this chapter brought you some joy. I hope you and your loved ones are safe where ever you are. Stay happy and healthy.


	10. Chapter 10 - Houston

**Chapter 10 - Houston**

It was late afternoon and Meredith was bored out of her mind. She has been stuck at home for the last three days and was slowly going insane. She was itching to go back to work and to get back into the OR. This wasn't a scheduled vacation this was sick leave. She wasn't sick, she was feeling fine but was still not allowed to go back which annoyed her immensely. Back in Seattle, she had been bored but busy and now she was just bored. She had packed up her apartment, had decided what she would take with her, what she wanted to keep but had to be kept at a friend's house for a while or what would have to be given away. Her apartment didn't look like hers anymore. The walls were bare and sad. There were only the essentials left unpacked. All points on her Munich-to-do list had been checked off the previous week: dentist visit, family doctor visit, a trip to the ophthalmologist, to the dermatologist, and the gynecologist. She had filled prescriptions, went to her hairdresser, canceled services, and insurances. All none work-related errands were done. There was nothing left to do for her to occupy her while she waited to be allowed back. Doctor-mandated paid sick leave was great, if you were sick and needed the time to get back on your feet. It wasn't so great if you were forbidden to work before the prescribed sick leave was over. The symptoms of her concussion had subsided days ago and her bruise was fading away. She had pulled her stitched this morning. She was fit and more than ready to go back to doing what she loved.

Normally she would have spent her off time going on runs and hikes. Yesterday she had gone on her first run since the injury. It had been a short run since the continuous impact of running had been giving her an unignorable annoying headache. After that experience running had been put on the back burner for a little longer.

Meredith had used her forced free time to add fifteen pages to her habilitation paper bringing her several steps closer to the finish line. She had joined twitter in an effort to occupy herself. Two hours into her social media experience she had gotten into some fights with other users about the effectiveness of vaccines. At the end of the day she had deleted the app off her phone again. She had read four books in the last three days and had binged some shows but nothing satisfied her intellectually. She wanted to work, interact with patients, and fix their problems.

She was looking forward to tomorrow, a national holiday celebrating the German union. Most of her friends would be off from work. It was a tradition for them to spend the day at the Oktoberfest and this year she was looking forward to a fun Wiesn day with friends.

Meredith was glad that she had convinced Derek to go on a short trip. She knew that if it wouldn't be for the brief change of scenery she would be crawling up her walls right now. She checked her phone for the time, looking at her recently changed lock screen – the picture was taken during their weekend trip.

* * *

_The wind was blowing into their faces. It was warm, sunny, and very windy. Ropes moved by the wind were hitting the flag poles around them making the unique noise. Windsurfers were gliding over the water surface. Groups of little sailboats were out on the lake fighting the strong afternoon thermal wind. On their way to where they were looking out on the water, they had passed several groups of mountain bikers. The scene was typical for the northern part of lake garda. The north was popular with athletes: mountain bikers, windsurfers, sailors, climbers, and many other athletes came here to do their sport._

_It wasn't really Italy which she loved as well but it held a special place in her heart. Meredith had been introduced to the Lago in university. It was the first place she had traveled to with a group of friends she met in Munich. It was the place she had tried herself in sailing, windsurfing, and mountain biking. She had fallen in love with the scenery - the lake hugged into the mountains with the open end in the south. It was her escape place whenever she needed a reset. In four short hours, you could drive from Munich to Lake Garda – less if you liked to use your car to its potential. She had taken lots of short weekend trips down there to eat great food, see friends, appreciate the warmer weather, and most importantly enjoy some delicious gelato._

_Yesterday after Meredith's birthday brunch they had embarked on this spontaneous adventure. Derek had been hesitant at first. He had come to attend the conference and he had enjoyed the talks and the professional discourse. But he had a hard time saying 'no' to Meredith. She didn't have to convince him or pressured him into doing something he didn't want to do she just presented the options in a way that there was no way of saying no to her proposal. And he was glad that he had come. He had gotten to know her professional side. He also had seen Meredith with the people that were the closest thing to a family at the birthday brunch. He had watched her interact with Anna, her husband, and her two girls. And now she had opened up her relaxed side to him._

_As soon as they had arrived on Sunday afternoon she had visibly relaxed. All remaining tension had fallen off of her. Meredith had greeted the owners of their hotel with a hug, happily chatting with them in fluent Italian. They had gone on a walk along the lake, eaten big delicious pizzas at a pizzeria, and had sat at the hotel bar for hours happily chatting with other guests, the owners, and each other before happily falling into bed enjoying each other's company. They had slept in - something that both rarely got to do, had sat outside for breakfast refilling their coffee cups and plates until the buffet closed._

_After breakfast, they had borrowed hotel bikes and had gone on a bike ride along the northern lakeside to the next bigger town. There they had gone window shopping and had eaten some more food._

_Meredith had her eyes closed letting the sun warm her face. Her hair was disheveled by the wind. They had laid out a blanket on the stony beach, not talking just enjoying the now. Meredith sat between his legs leaning against Derek's strong chest. His legs bent, feet flat on the ground his arms behind him supporting the both of them. It was the last day of their very short trip. The last full day of Derek being here before he would return to the states._

_"Do you regret coming?" Meredith asked._

_"No. Do you?" He retorted._

_"Of course not! No regrets whatsoever. I needed this. Who knows when I'll be able to take time off the next time. I doubt I'll have one free day in the next months after my sudden disappearance."_

_"Well, there has been a bit of confusion,"_

_"I can imagine. I had to do it and it was the absolute right decision that I went but how do you explain that, to a group of people who have no clue about any of this. They don't even know where I went to med school. The rumor mill is rolling. There is a tie between two rumors. I either didn't get into an American med school because I sucked too much. So I went to a foreign program to cheat my way into the system. Or my mother paid for me to get into a program but I can't disclose where because then I would expose the program for being buyable." Meredith laughed._

_"That's ridiculous. Who thinks that?"_

_"Some residents, some interns, some of the nurses," Meredith shrugged. "Part of them tries to find a way to make me look bad by spreading rumors while the other part suffers from Ellis Grey obsession. It's like my mother is some kind of saint that walks on water. I don't know what they teach you in med school but it sure must be a giant Ellis Grey PR event. It's annoying. If one more person asks me to introduce them, I'm going to scream."_

_"You're their medical royalty. Every class has one."_

_"What?!" Meredith turned her head around the best she could to be able to look at him. "You're kidding right?"_

_"No, I'm not. I have four sisters that all went into medicine. They all had one in their med school year, I had someone. The one with the most notable parent or family member in the medical field was the one. It's mostly a med school thing. But can occasionally be observed into residency. Not everyone gets the daughter of the famous Harper Avery winner Ellis Grey in their class, no wonder they're going mental," Derek teased._

_"It's not funny. My mother is demented. On good days she remembers that she has a daughter. And if she would be in a condition to meet any of them, let alone give them pointers I wouldn't be in Seattle to introduce them in the first place."_

_"And we wouldn't be here right now," Derek hugged his arms around her slim body, kissing her neck softly. She moved her head exposing her neck a little more for his affection._

_"And we wouldn't be here right now," Meredith sighed after a while. She turned her body around to face him. "There's always a silver lining," she smiled brightly._

_"There is," he agreed, smiling, he gently brushed her hair out of her face taking it into his warm hands pulling her closer into a kiss. Her soft lips touched his. It was the little things like these that made her heartbeat strongly in her chest. The butterflies did summersaults in her stomach. Meredith grinned into the kiss._

_Derek pulled her on the blanket next to him. Her head resting on his arm, snuggled into his chest, both enjoying the sun on their faces. Derek played with her hair. They lay in silence enjoying each other's company and the here and now. At some point, Derek's breath evened out signaling her that he had fallen asleep. She soon followed._

_It was getting cooler and the wind was easing up. Meredith picked up Derek's arm that was resting on her stomach, so she could see his watch._

_"What are you doing?" he mumbled._

_"I'm checking the time. We should slowly start thinking about getting ready to leave if we want to be back before midnight," Meredith said pulling herself off the floor. Derek made a sound. "I don't want to leave either but you kind of have a flight to catch tomorrow. I tend to recall that you promised your mother that you would visit her during your layover." On their drive to lake garda, Meredith had listened to Derek's Sunday phone call with his mom. He had used her phone that was connected to the car Bluetooth since his phone wasn't working outside the states. His mother had been surprised to learn that Derek wasn't in the country. He had forgotten to tell her that he was traveling abroad for a conference and then he had accidentally let it slip that he would be having a layover in New York. He hadn't planned to tell her but now that he had heard how excited she was by the prospect of seeing him again he couldn't deny her an early dinner. His sisters had been upset by his spontaneity, all their schedules were booked and they had no chance clearing them for an unscheduled family dinner. Not that he minded. That night he had rescheduled his flight to have more than two hours to pass customs, navigate through JFK, and meet with his mom in the city._

_"Way to kill the mood," Derek groaned._

_"'The mood' was over when you dozed off, Mister," she held out a hand for him to take. "Come on! I'll buy you the best gelato the lake has to offer and after we ride back, get the car and drive back home."_

_Derek was driving. He had been bagging her for the first hours of the drive to let him drive. Meredith didn't own a car in Munich. She never needed one, she biked places or took public transportation. The hospital was right by a subway station and finding parking near her apartment was a real nightmare. In Seattle, she had walked into a used car dealership after she had realized that she needed one to get from one place to another. Her vehicle of choice was an old, crappy, Toyota that was running on its last legs. It had been very affordable and she would be lucky if it made it through the winter months. For their trip, she had rented a car. She had a friend who worked in marketing for a global Munich car rental company that had hooked her up with a BMW for the trip. Over the last days, Meredith had learned that Derek had a thing for fast cars. And the prospects of driving on a German Autobahn without a speed limit excited him more than she thought was possible. Meredith had been hesitant, her name was on the car rental form and the insurance and she liked to be in control of situations._

_Around halfway home, they had stopped to grab some coffee and some snacks at a gas station. Meredith had handed him the keys. Her headache had returned and driving made it only worse._

_"Derek, wipe that grin off your face," Meredith commented rolling her eyes. He had been stupidly grinning for the last hour. "If I would have known that this makes you so incredibly happy I would have let you drive from the very beginning. Just be careful."_

_"I'm a good driver. I haven't had an accident in over fifteen years and then I crashed my motorbike."_

_"Sounds reassuring. I know you're very eager to try out the no speed limit thing. Just remember you're not going to be the fastest on the road and the slower drivers tend to misjudge your speed. Pass them on the left and only on the left, and if you see headlights in the rearview mirror quickly approaching, move," Meredith told him a nervous look on her face._

_"Thanks for the vote of confidence," he smirked. "I know how to drive. I have driven fast before on a race track. Don't worry I'll make sure that you get back in one piece." she groaned. "You're such a control freak, Mer."_

_"I'm a surgeon, what do you expect?" she asked impatiently._

_"Nothing else," he replied smiling brightly at her. He pushed the gas paddle a little harder accelerating the car before shifting into a higher gear his enjoyment visible in his eyes._

* * *

Derek unlocked the door to his office with the electronic key. He had just finished rounds and this week's teaching hour in which he had presented some of the research he had learned at the conference. A department meeting had to be scheduled to go into more detail. Before that, he had to come up with a strategy in which way he wanted to develop the department. He groaned at the sight of the paperwork that had accumulated on his desk during his short absence. It was the first time since coming back yesterday that he had time to take care of admin work. Yesterday right off the plane he had been pulled into a trauma case. After he had had back to back consults in the clinic. He had barely had the time to catch his breath let alone think about his state of tiredness.

Today his schedule was clear. He was in desperate need of this time. There was so much to do, signing off on paperwork and proposals, scheduling for next months, preparing for his upcoming surgeries, and the evaluation of this month's interns.

During today's lecture, he had observed the group of this month's interns all hurdled up in the back. At the beginning of the month, he had been assigned ten interns, now there were only nine. One of them missing doing her thing on the opposite side of the world. Now that he saw them and had seen Meredith in action he wondered how he never noticed the difference between them. Their time on the neurosurgery rotation was coming to an end. Next week there would be new clueless faces on his service and they had to start all over again teaching them the lay of the land.

Since touching down in the states Meredith and Derek had only communicated through short texts always missing each other when either tried to call. He could imagine that she was going crazy with boredom. Derek pulled out his phone. His new lock screen made him smile.

He pressed her name on the facetime app, propping his phone up against his monitor that connected to his laptop. Waiting for her to pick up he started sorting the mountain of paperwork into piles.

"Hey," Meredith mumbled tiredly when she appeared on his screen.

"Hey. Did I wake you?" Derek asked. He hadn't quite figured the time difference out yet.

"Yes …" she yawned loudly.

"I'm sorry. I can call back …"

"It's okay. I fell asleep on the sofa watching some crime show. I would have slept here if it wasn't for you. You saved me from a sore back," Meredith interrupted him. "So thank you."

"You're welcome, I guess. Your stitches are out."

"Yeah, I pulled them this morning. I was sick of being careful in the shower."

Derek laughed. "How are you doing now that you're suture-less?"

"I'm fine but I'm so bored you wouldn't believe it. I have nothing to do," she complained stretching her tired body.

"Nothing to do?"

"Yes, let me see what I did today. I wrote ten pages, I went on a walk, bought some food, packed five more boxes, parted with a quarter of my books, did some laundry, answered some emails, tried watching a new show but it sucked. I cooked something for dinner – which I rarely do, cleaned the kitchen, and fell asleep on the sofa," Meredith elaborated.  
"Sure you did nothing. You're still bored after all of that?" Derek asked watching her get up from the sofa walking into the kitchen, setting her empty wine glass in the sink before she switched off the kitchen light.

"Of course. I could have resected a tumor or taught someone something groundbreaking. I could have saved a life. But I didn't. How's your day going? I hope better than mine."

"I went on grand rounds with the whole team, we debriefed and now I'm stuck in my office with this," he held up a stack of paper so she could see.

"How fun. I envy you – not really."

"And I need to evaluate my interns. Or at least read what the residents, fellows, or attendings wrote about them and combine that into a coherent evaluation to give the Chief tomorrow," Derek told her.

Meredith cringed: "The department head writes the evaluations? Isn't this a little atypical?"

"Yes, however, I want to make sure that whatever I sign represents what I have observed, that the observation is objective and no door gets closed because someone stepped on someone's toes."

"You should also make sure that the department head's judgment is not clouded by some information he may have learned while being abroad, a spontaneous vacation, some great gelato, or the fact that he is currently seeing one of the interns he's trying to evaluate. Not to mention all the unspeakable things said 'intern' did to the Chief of Neurosurgery while he was away for a conference," Meredith smirked. "And I'm using the term 'intern' loosely here."

"The department head should keep that in mind," Derek laughed.

"Jokes aside. I'm serious. I can only imagine what my evaluation might look like. I stepped on a lot of toes during those two weeks and then I just disappeared. You can't gloss over that just because you have more information now. Remember you're not supposed to know any of it."

"I know and I haven't even looked at it yet. I'll try to be impartial. No guarantees though."

"Of course not," Meredith laughed. "Since when are post-round lectures on Thursday?"

"Since I got pulled in a trauma case yesterday after I came in with the red-eye from New York."

"How was New York? I mean I got your texts. It's the first time that you saw your mom in – what, three months?"

"It was okay. Weird to be back though. Nothing has changed but everything has changed. It made her happy, that's all that counts. She isn't used to any of us not being in a drivable distance."

"What did you do?"

"I came home to pick her up and she had a list waiting for me,"

„A list?" Meredith asked. She had moved to the bathroom, getting ready for bed – it was late.

"A list of things that needed fixing around the house," Derek chuckled shaking his head. "I fixed a bookcase, changed a lightbulb, adjusted the heater, fixed a cabinet door and then I took her out for dinner. It was like I never left. She waited for her son to come home to do it like always. It's not like she has three sons-in-law that visit her regularly and are more than happy to do it for her," Derek sighed.

"You changed your flight to change a lightbulb?" Meredith asked. She had propped her phone up against her bathroom mirror.

"She doesn't see it like that. I was always around to do or fix things. I mowed the lawn ever since I was ten. I was one phone call away and now I'm not. It takes some time for her to adjust to the new reality. She enjoyed the dinner though."

"Your mom is so different compared to mine. She always paid someone to do things for her. She was too busy or felt too important to even know what needed to be done around the house. She had staff to do that for her. When I moved to Munich I learned the difference between a flat head and a Philips and that you can do things yourself. I'm quite the pro at assembling IKEA furniture now," Meredith told him proudly. "I'm just going to brush my teeth real quick," She put her electric toothbrush in her mouth. After brushing her teeth she changed into a worn t-shirt and some old pajama pants. While she did that Derek started to read through the evaluation forms that had been sent to him. He purposely didn't open her files yet. Furrowing his eyebrows he read over the current file.

"That's not a good look," Meredith commented.

"It's just more work than I planned on it being, half of it is still missing," he sighed still concentrating on the documents.

"That sucks but it comes with the job," she slipped under her covers grabbing her tablet from the nightstand, adjusting the OR schedule for next week.

Both sat in silence working on their respected tasks, barely talking to each other, very much in the zone.

"Two down, three more to go," Derek said after a while. "What are you up to?"

"We get more and more urgent referrals every day and barely have the capacity to look at them all. Today alone I got three new requests from southern Germany and Austria asking if we're able to look at their patients. And our schedule is filled to the brim. My original contract was up two days ago – by the looks of it do I have to stay a little longer."

"How much longer?" Derek inquired, he had known that there was the possibility of her extending her leave.

"I don't know. Two weeks at least, probably more. I talked to my mom's care team yesterday, just to see how things are, and if they needed me to be back immediately. For now, it's okay with them, but they told me that she has significantly deteriorated since I left. And that certain steps need to be taken in a specific time frame before it'll be too late."

"That's a dilemma. What are you going to do?"

"Well, I'm going to keep communicating with them closely while Matze tries to find another hire to fill the gap. And play it by ear," Meredith sighed, "How to manage the situation with Seattle Grace is a whole other problem. I'm hoping that I can manage to prolong my leave if not I have to quit and figure something out when I …"

"Hold on a sec," Derek stopped her looking up to his door, "Come in."

"Dr. Shepherd, I have the scans for tomorrow's surgery you requested earlier." Izzie Stevens entered his room, with her blonde hair tied back.

"Thank you, just leave them on my desk," he told her concentrating back on his computer monitor. But Izzie Stevens wasn't moving. "Is there something else?"

"Yes, I just wanted to personally thank you for the opportunity to be on your service and I hope that I will be considered for one of the neurosurgery residency spots. I really enjoyed my time here and I really learned a lot."

"I'm glad you enjoyed your time and I'm happy to hear that you learned something. I would recommend rotating through some other departments before making a decision. If I'm not mistaken you're on the orthopedic surgery rotation next? There will be plenty of time to choose."

"Yeah right. I guess so. Thank you, Dr. Shepherd," Izzie said a little disappointedly, leaving his office closing the door behind her.

"Are you still there?" he asked Meredith who had been listening through the phone.

"Yeah. I just did the math again and I probably won't make it back for the next month. I just got so many more requests."

"Isn't it like eleven-thirty at night in Munich?" Derek inquired laughing, "This has nothing to do with the fact that you're going to be with the orthopods next?"

"These hands are not made for hip replacements," Meredith held her hands up, "These hands resect tumors in the most delicate organ. I'm only kidding, as soon as I can I'll come back. This whole avoiding my return is not healthy," she yawned loudly.

"I can imagine. I should probably let you sleep,"

"Thank you. And you should finish your paperwork, Dr. Shepherd."

"I know," he whined in response. "Sleep well. I miss you. "

"Me too. I'll send you a picture from the Oktoberfest tomorrow, so you can see the real thing. Bye," Meredith hang up before he had a chance to reply. Derek shook his head concentrating back to his mountain of paperwork.

* * *

It was pitch dark outside when Meredith left her apartment this morning. It was pouring down and the temperature had plummeted since yesterday. The weather was miserable but the young surgeon was content. She walked down the steps to the subway avoiding the big puddles of water that pooled at the bottom of the stairs. Down in the dry, she pulled her phone out of her coat pocket, connected her headphones, and pushed his name. While waiting for the call to connect she put the little earbuds in her ears.

"This is a pleasant surprise," he greeted her.

"I thought I use the time to call you. I don't know if I have time later," Meredith told him while she got on the subway cart.

"That's probably a good idea. I have back to back surgeries tomorrow. You sound different."

"I'm a little congested. I caught the 'Wiesn-flu', it's no big deal," Meredith shrugged. "Everyone has it. I'm already on the mend."

"Sure. I'm starting to see what you see in the Oktoberfest. You may get assaulted, drunk, broke, and sick. Sounds like a great time."

"True, but nothing beats a day hanging out with your friends, not a cloud in the sky, warm weather, delicious food, and great beer. And then finishing off the day in a tent dancing on the benches and singing really schmaltzy hits. You tend to forget all the negatives when you're in it. And this little virus is not getting me down."

"Whatever you say, Mer."

"I think I ruined you. I'm sorry."

"I'll live," he laughed, "Where are you?"

"In the subway, I'm on my way to work. My first case is at seven. I'm from the future."

"And how is the future? Any breakthroughs?" he joked.

"It's wet and cold. I think summer is officially over. How was your weekend?" she injured.

"It's been raining all weekend long and I've been stuck inside for the last two days. I've read a lot and I successfully fixed a leak in the trailer."

"Riveting," Meredith replied sarcastically, "I still don't understand why you live in a trailer – your choice. It could be that I break up in soon, the connection is a little spotty here. I'm almost at the hospital, I call you back then."

"Don't diss my trailer. It may have some flaws but I like it."

"What? Derek, you're breaking up."

"Don't diss my trailer. It may have some flaws but I like it," Derek repeated, "Mer?"

"I can't hear you! I'm hanging up now," Meredith sighed loudly. In all the years she had been using that route they weren't able to fix this dead spot. She got off at the final stop, walking the short covered way to the main entrance. As soon as her phone connected to the hospital WIFI she called Derek back with video chat.

"I'm back. And this time with picture," she greeted him when he picked up.

"I can see that."

"What were you saying about your trailer?"

"I said: Don't diss my trailer. It may have some flaws but I like it," he repeated.

"I'm not dissing your home. I can't understand why you choose this particular habitation in one of the rainiest states. It's your choice," she walked through the automated doors, getting some disinfectant from the dispenser right by the door. Since it was still very early in the morning, the hospital's night guards were still sitting at the different entrances checking that only authorized people entered. The employee entrance opened electronically with the hospital ID, the main entrance was closer to her office and the walk from the subway was covered. "Hold on a sec, Derek."

"Guten Morgen Herbert. Was macht die Frau?" Meredith greeted the older security guard who had been working this shift since she first stepped foot into this hospital so many years ago.

"Gries di, Doc. Die is froh wenn i ausm Haus bi," he joked in his deep Bavarian accent, „I hoab mir scho Sorgen gemoacht, dass du di vergessen hoast bei mir zu veraobschiedn."

„Das würde ich doch niemals wagen, Herbert."

„Guad. Geht's denn bessa?"

„Ja. A guada hälts aus und um an schlechten is a ned schad. Hoab i recht?"

„Da hoast recht. Hab an guadan Tag, Doc."

„Danke du auch," Meredith walked towards the elevators and pushed through the door to the stairwell. Conversations like this warmed her heart. "Sorry about that. I always talk to him, when I get in."

"Was that German that he spoke?" Derek asked.

"That's debatable. It's the local dialect. You hear it more out in the country. I like it," she walked up the stairs to her floor.

"It's still weird hearing you speak German," Derek stated, taking a sip from his scotch. "Taking the stairs very exemplary, Dr. Grey."

"Of course. I can't really preach a healthy lifestyle to my patients and then ignore all my advice, can I? I hope I can go on a long run tonight."

"You run? I didn't know that,"

"There is still a lot you don't know about me. The concussion put a damper on my running but I should be able to run 10k after my shifts. I should ease into it."

"10k is easing into it?! I'm happy if I can make 10k on a good day," Derek exclaimed.

"Derek, I run marathons. Running helps me clear my mind after a long day. It shuts my brain up. There's nothing you do to keep yourself from going over your cases all night long?" Meredith asked as she entered her office. She switched the lights on, put her wet umbrella in the corner, and took off her warm coat, hanging it on the coat hanger in the room.

"I used to play a lot of golf and now I fish and read books."

"Fishing? You fish? What do you do with them when you caught them? Let them go?" Meredith was confused.

"No," Derek laughed. "I grill it and then I eat it. It's delicious."

"You can cook?"

"Yes, I can cook," he confirmed.

"I need to see this for myself. I don't believe you. I've never met a male surgeon who could cook a decent meal."

"Well, first you need to come back so I can cook for you."

"It's a date," Meredith smiled.

"It's a date. God, I miss talking to you in person. This is better than only texting but it still not the same."

"I know," she sighed, "And I don't want to be the one bursting your bubble, but I need to prepare for my surgery."

"Sure. What do you have today?"

"15-year-old with a bilateral glioblastoma, tomorrow and the day after is fetal surgery day. On Thursday we operate on two tricky Ependymomas, on Friday I catch up on the paperwork and Saturday I'm on anesthesiology call. It's going to be a busy week and next week is going to be even busier."

"Wow, you're busy," was the only thing Derek could respond.

"It's the normal craziness here," Meredith shrugged. "I miss you."

"I miss you too. Good luck in surgery, not that I think that you'll need it."

"Thank you, I appreciate it. Sleep well," Meredith smiled before she hung up the call.

* * *

"We are going to sit down with the parents. We are going to give them an honest representation of the surgery. There is a fine line between being too optimistic and killing all hope. We did our part. We took out most of the tumor, we have our assumptions but we don't know anything until we get the pathology report. It's not going to be an easy conversation, but one that needs to be had. We let them drive if they need time we let them digest what we told them if they have questions we take the time to answer them in detail, if they want us to just be there, we will sit with them until they have wrapped their heads around the information," Meredith coached her resident, "We don't rush, we have the time. Do you have any more questions before we go in there?"

Her resident shook her head. She was very quiet since they had left the OR. The case had been difficult and the outcome was far from what Meredith had expected when she had been called to take over the case last minute. She hated those conversations but they were very much part of the job.

"Okay, we're going to wait here for Dr. Hermann so we can talk to them as a team," Meredith told her. She fished her ringing cell out of her pocket, checking who was calling her. "Hey, can I call you back? I'm about to talk to the parents of a patient."

"Sure. I'm in my office for the next two hours or so, just call whenever you're ready," Derek understood. In her voice, he could hear that she was about to have a difficult conversation.

"Thanks, talk to you later."

"No problem," he smiled.

Out of the corner of her eyes, Meredith saw Dr. Hermann approaching, she took a deep breath, mentally preparing for the conversation.

* * *

The hospital was dark and quiet – only the ER was buzzing in its usual busyness. Meredith sat at her desk catching up on paperwork. She was supposed to be home hours ago. The last two weeks had been busy, she had rarely the time to update her notes. She loved it and she thrived but it was exhausting as well. She had put in more OR hours than she had in a long time on top of managing the admin work. She ran on adrenalin – the good kind. There was no other department that ran as smoothly. The pediatric neurosurgery department was operating on its perfect efficiency level. It was a fragile system that could be overwhelmed at any moment.

Every day she tried to make time to talk to Derek. Either in her mornings when he just came back from work and before she was about to operate or at night when he had time between surgeries and she was back at home.

Printing one of the physician's letters she checked the time and decided it was a good time to call her handsome boyfriend. Leaning her phone against a book she waited for him to pick up.

"Hey, wait a minute," Derek greeted her. She had face-timed him. He made his way out of the cafeteria and walked to his office. He held his phone in his hand. She couldn't see much in the shaky video but she could make out some parts of Seattle Grace. When he closed his office door he put the phone in front of his face. "Sorry about that. I don't think you would like it too much if I talked to you out in the open. Besides the betting pool about your mysterious absence is getting larger by the minute. Every day you don't show up for work more people are placing bets," Derek smirked.

"You're not serious, are you?" Meredith asked flabbergasted.

"Oh, I'm dead serious. You're on the schedule and then you just disappear from it and no one knows where you are or if you're ever coming back. I've never paid much attention to all the rumors but it is astonishing how much time some people have to come up with baseless conspiracy theories. All they have to do is google you and they would have their answer but apparently, they're not educated enough to do so."

"Makes me really want to come back. I'm running out of excuses by the way. The last conversation with Richard was painfully awkward and he still bought it. This man is seriously biased. The nursing home keeps bugging me as well. They keep calling me about family dinners and fall events – they know that I'm not back yet," Meredith rolled her eyes.

"Do you know anything about when you'll be back?" Derek asked hopefully.

"Well, the new hire starts on Monday and Matze is back on Monday as well. I still have to hand over some cases and talk through some changes. I could be in Seattle by the end of next week if everything goes according to plan. I told Richard I would be back not next Monday but the Monday after that. As hard as it is to come to terms with it. It's going to happen. On a plus side, it looks like that my flight over is going to be my last duty as a licensed German physician – for now at least."

"You lost me, what do you mean?"

"Alyssa's parents want her to be transferred to a facility in the states. And in her current state, she isn't able to sit on a plane for ten plus hours."

"Alyssa? Who is Alyssa?"

"The Wiesn-girl. The one that we picked up in the tent. The one with the closed skull fracture. She's still in the hospital and will be for a while. Anyways her dad made a big scene, tried to throw money at us to make their daughter better faster, threatened to sue us, called for American consults – the whole nine yard. They want her back home – which is more than understandable. Clinically she just wasn't ready to be moved yet. Not even to another facility. The last couple of days she has been making some progress that her team thinks she might be able to be put on a flight by the end of next week," Meredith explained.

"I didn't know they had transatlantic air ambulances," Derek thought out loud.

"They do. There are private companies but some airlines also offer transport options. They can fit a whole ICU room into a typical long haul commercial airplane. It's quite impressive. We are trying to coordinate details at the moment."

"We?" Derek asked.

"The last couple of years I accompanied several patients from Munich to the states and three back. It always fell into my lap when I was already on my way to visit my mom or on my way back home. And it was never an intensive care patient. But I'm technically licensed to do so. The thought is that since I'm already registered, I cover all the care bases, I know the case, and talked to the parents that I would be the perfect transport physician. I would be accompanied by an ICU nurse of the receiving hospital and a German EMT. To answer your question I don't know when I'll make it back. It all depends on Alyssa's condition and a lot of other variables that we are trying to hammer out."  
"You're telling me that you going to be in a flying ICU while other passengers travel in the same plane?"

"Yes," Meredith confirmed

"Before I met you I thought that I've seen a lot," Derek sighed.

"Not a lot of physicians know about this. Normally you don't learn about those transports out of happy reasons. Just be glad that you never needed that service. Not to speak of the cost. Just from what I would get paid for a flight from Munich to Houston is insane. Not that I'm doing it because of the money. It's just a cool surreal experience – and I live for those," Meredith chuckled. "It's just a plan for now."

"I have a pretty cool girlfriend," Derek smiled.

"I know," Meredith smirked, "How is your day?"

"Believe it or not, we're getting a brand new electronic charting system."

"Oh, no!"

"Yeah, oh no. I had to sit through a three hours presentation today in which a company rep praised their software when in actuality it's worse than the existing one. It just looks better, and billing is easier but that's about it, " Derek complained. "And guess who decided that we needed a new system? The board. And guess how many physicians are on the board? One person with an MD, and he never even practiced medicine. Guess how many of the staff physicians were surveyed before they made the decision? None. I lost three hours today to learn about a system that sucks and holds your patient's flies hostage when you decide to switch to a different provider in the future."

"Sounds about right," Meredith agreed.

"They made the bed and we have to lay in it. After their sales pitch - that wasn't a sales pitch because they already signed the contract – people were pissed. I don't want to be Richard right now or Dr. Fisher. Sometimes I miss private practice. There I had a deciding vote. Here I'm just a piece in the puzzle," Derek told her defeatedly.

"You're not just any piece, you are one of the important pieces – one of those that are important for the result. I would love to hug you right now."

"This long-distance thing sucks."

"It does. There's an end in sight."

"There is," he sighed.

The door behind Meredith opened and Hannes entered the room. His facial expression showed surprise when he saw that Meredith was still there. He walked over to her, he spotted Derek on the screen.

"Servus Derek," he greeted the American neurosurgeon. Meredith face-timing him wasn't something too uncommon these days. All her friends knew about the relationship that had blossomed between the two of them. In Munich, it wasn't a secret. The three had walked in on their conversations multiple times, had chatted to him, had ranted to Meredith while they had been on the phone together. Even her bosses knew about their romance. Meredith had been different since she returned from her forced sick leave, she was happier and less stressed. "How's it going?"

"Hey Hannes, I can't complain. How are you?"

"I'm fine," the Bavarian replied then he turned to Meredith, "Mer, you really should go home."

Meredith checked her watch – it was eleven-thirty at night, she was very surprised that it was so late already.

"It's late, isn't it? Are you on call?" Derek asked.

Meredith shook her head. "No. I was just trying to play catch up with all my paperwork. I'm off tomorrow and we're going to have one more girls day before I leave. I pick the girls up from school and then they're allowed to decide what we have for lunch and do after. I do hope that I don't regret that decision," she smiled.

"I hope so too. Go home, Mer and get some sleep," Derek told her.

"I think that's a good idea," Meredith yawned. "I miss you."

"I miss you too. I'll talk to you later. Sleep well."

Before Meredith could respond Derek had already disconnected the call.

* * *

It was Sunday morning two a.m. and Derek stood in the OR about to evacuate a massive brain bleed. He had been called in for the emergent case around midnight. The weather outside was hellish, it had been down pouring rain for the last five days. His patient was one of the victims of the bad weather, he had lost control of his car and slid into a tree. There had been a lot of those cases in the last couple of days. Derek watched as his resident opened the skull flap.

"Could someone pick up my phone and put it on speaker please," Derek asked when he heard his phone ringing in the background. He was on call and just because he was in surgery didn't stop other people from calling for consults.

"Sure thing Dr. Shepherd."

"Kruzifünferl warum bleibt die verdammte Klappe nicht zu?" Meredith's curse was heard in the OR.

"Hey," Derek chuckled.

"Wow, you picked up. I didn't expect that. I just wanted to leave a message."

"I'm in surgery and you're on speaker," Derek warned her, stopping her from saying anything that she didn't want people at Seattle Grace to know. He had put her number in his phone just under 'Mer'. She had been very determined to keep their kindling relationship under wraps. As long as she was employed at the hospital as an intern, their relationship officially didn't exist and he respected her wish.

"Okay."

"What's up?" he asked.

"I just wanted to let you know that I'm on the plane and just got situated. They are boarding now," Meredith told him. In the background, Derek heard the sound of the heart monitor and muffled voices.

"Did you decide to go with the PTC in the end?"

"Yes. Full spiel and full precautions. Met the others last night and we went over the plan. I think we have it figured out. I'm so happy that I have the support."

"I can imagine. You're bringing her home – full circle," Derek thought out loud.

"For sure. I never had that. The last one is a new first."

"Do you have any info about the connecting flight yet?" he asked then adding to his resident, "You need to be careful, the skull is considerably thinner right there and with this amount of pressure you're not going to get a clean cut."

"No, it all depends on how many details they need in Houston. So I haven't booked anything yet. I have to wait and see and as soon as I know something I'll let you know," Meredith told him, sadness present in her voice.

"Sounds good. You okay?" Derek asked.

"I'm fine. It was hard, there were tears, lots of them … It's going to be a long day," Meredith looked to her right where her Alyssa was strapped to the bed, connected to the in-flight monitors, giving Meredith an overview of her status. She had triple checked that they had everything on board that they could potentially need. She felt safe and prepared but still had nerves. She had never accompanied such a long flight.

"Anyways I just wanted to let you know. I'll let you go back to your surgery."

"Sure. Have a safe trip."

"Of course. Good luck in surgery," Meredith disconnected the call and put her phone into flight mode.

Derek could feel the curious glances of the OR occupants. He never had private conversations out in the open. This short call had revealed nothing, but still, people were curious who he had talked to.

* * *

Meredith sat in the lobby of a big Houston hospital waiting for the cab she had called. She had just come out of a long meeting with Alyssa's future care team. Munich had sent over the entire medical file at the beginning of the week. Alyssa had been in the care of the hospital for a month from the moment Meredith had handed her over to the trauma team in the ER until this morning when Meredith had taken over as her physician once more. One month of detailed paperwork that Meredith had to explain to the care team.

After touch down in Houston, they had to wait until the plane was deboarded to get an immigration officer on board to check their documents before they could move to the waiting ambulance. When they finally arrived at the hospital after a long drive through Houston in Sunday traffic the care team had assessed their new patient's status ignoring Meredith for half an hour. Then they had asked her into one of the conference rooms where she was met with the entire team and the parents. Meredith didn't know exactly who Alyssa's father was but he seemed to be a powerful man to assemble all these people on a Sunday afternoon. What had followed resembled more a trail than a professional discourse. Over the next hour, she had to answer baseless questions of mismanagement in patient-care. At some point, she had lost her patience.

_"I'm going to once again refer back to the medical file that we have provided on Tuesday. The entire treatment is written down there," Meredith replied through her teeth._

_"We read the file. There are still some unanswered questions, for example why Dr. Piller started the procedure without supervision when he is just a resident?" one of the lawyers in the room asked. Meredith hadn't expected there to be lawyers._

_"I hope I don't have to explain to you that different countries have different approaches to physician training. Dr. Piller is a senior resident in his fellowship year and is more than qualified to start the procedure for Prof. Jakob. Who took over as soon as he had finished with his emergent case. I don't like this finger-pointing. The fact that Alyssa is still requiring care a month post-injury is because she has suffered a traumatic brain injury. The nature of the injury alone suggests a long recovery. I would appreciate it if we could return to the medical facts," Meredith told them firmly._

_"Who authorized Dr. Piller to start the operation?" the lawyer persisted._

_"I did," Meredith was getting upset. "I authorized – as acting interim chief of pediatric neurosurgery – my resident to start a live-saving operating. Without the rapid response of the entire staff, Alyssa wouldn't have a chance of recovery today. Her brain would have herniated and she would have been brain dead within hours. This isn't a debate about whether there occurred an error in surgery or not. This is about finding someone to blame for an unwanted but expected outcome. __I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I know it is not what you imagined for your daughter. But your anger is not helping her. You can't buy yourself a better outcome, health doesn't work that way. She needs time and support to fight herself back into life. It was an accident. Accidents happen. The sooner let go of your desire to rectify the situation the sooner you can give your daughter the support she needs," Meredith addressed the parents. Then she turned to the lawyers in the room. __To everyone who is desperately trying to find a medical error. We are protected by German law and by medical evidence. I would highly advise against pursuing anything in this case – it's a lost cause. No medical error occurred. And finally t__o all my medical colleagues in this room: you understand the science, the data and I can guarantee you that all of you had a case that was similar to this one. I do hope that just because there is a huge sum of money involved that you don't let your medical judgment be clouded by that," Meredith inhaled, "I'm willing to answer any medical relevant questions in the future, but I'm putting an end to this. If you excuse me," she got up out of her chair and left the room without uttering another word._

She held her phone to her ear, silently willing Derek to pick up. She really needed to talk to him. After that meeting, she was so ready to get out of this city. She was exhausted and furious.

"Hey," he answered the phone. He sounded off.

"Hey," she sighed loudly, "You sound how I feel right now."

"You sound how I feel. What happened?" Derek asked.

Meredith proceeded to tell him what had transpired at the hospital. He listened while she ranted. When she finally finished she was halfway to the airport already.

"Feeling better?" Derek asked when she had been quiet for a while.

"Yes. Thank you for listening. What's bugging you?" she asked.

"Seattle Grace's high-risk OB quit on Friday," Derek told her.

"Okay. I'll need a little more than just that,"

"Richard called Addison. She's coming tomorrow."

"Oh," was all that Meredith could reply to that revelation.

"He told me an hour ago. He was so giddy to tell me like it was this generous gift for me. Like he personally made this happy family reunion happen. She would have just shown up," Meredith heard the desperation in his voice.

"Do I need to worry that I arrive back in Seattle and you've disappeared?"

"I'm still going to be here, you don't have to worry."

"Because I would be cool with running away with you. You just have to say a word. Maybe we can make it to that beach after all," she tried to lighten the mood.

"I would love nothing more than running away with you, but that would just prolong the entire divorce process."

"Too bad. When have you become so reasonable?" Meredith joked, "Are you okay?"

"I will be. Are you?"

Meredith thought about it for a second: "Yes. Why wouldn't I be?"

"Just making sure. My still-wife is going to be at Grace, where we work."

"Are you still planning on signing the divorce papers you filed?"

"Of course – nothing about that has changed. I wouldn't want to change a thing, I just found happiness again. "

"Good, then I'm good," Meredith told him. "But I swear to god if you're lying Derek Shepherd you are going to seriously regret it. I can promise you that."

"I know. I'm very afraid of you," he joked.

"Good. It's very important to establish who wears the pants in the relationship early on. At least that's what all the experts say," she teased back.

"I'm so glad that we're going to be able to do this in person soon," Derek told her sincerely.

"Me too."

"Am I crazy for missing you the way I do?" he asked.

"No. Or I would be crazy as well," Meredith checked the flight board for her departure information, "Unfortunately, I have one more bad news for you today. There are no more flights to Seattle tonight. My only option is an overnight layover in Portland. But I'll be there tomorrow bright and early, for sure."

"Say when and where. I'll be there to pick you up."

"Thank you. You're the best."

"I know."

"Don't be kooky."

* * *

5/2/20

Wow, another month has gone by and I don't know where the time went. I hope you're all doing fine during this crazy time, that you are healthy and not too bored. A big thank you, everyone, who works at the front line of this.

Thank you to everyone who reads this story. I'm blown away by the support. I never thought this story would get such a great response. It makes me happy that you enjoy reading what I enjoy writing. I love reading your reviews and PMs - it's like putting a name to the numbers. So thank you! I love to read your ideas and thoughts.

I hope I could fill the plot hole. Meredith was put on sick leave last chapter.

Concerning this chapter: I liked the idea of exploring a long-distance relationship - many social distancing is getting to me. Addison doesn't show up to bring chaos in this fresh relationship. I just think that this Meredith and Addison have some professional similarities that would be interesting in exploring - not to give too much away. Anyways have a great weekend - I'll read you soon.

PS. They canceled the Oktoberfest this year due to CoViD.


	11. Chapter 11 - Washington State

**Chapter 11 - Washington State**

Meredith pushed the heavy luggage cart through the glass sliding doors and stepped into the cold moist Seattle air. The noise of the morning airport traffic hit her overly tired body. She shivered and suppressed a yawn. It was five o'clock in the morning but for her body, it was two in the afternoon. She had spent the night in Portland at the airport like she had predicted before she had left Houston. She had decided against checking into a hotel. The two and a half hours she would be able to use the room was not worth the room rate they offered her. So she had spent the night in the terminal with some other lonesome travelers not getting any much sleep. She felt the exhaustion in every fiber of her body. She smelled like airport and hospital and she couldn't remember the last time she had seen a mirror. She was still wearing the same clothes as yesterday. Her old hospital ID was still clipped to the reddish-orange windbreaker that declared her an emergency physician. Usually, she would get curious looks when she would walk through a public place dressed like this but here in Seattle people barely noticed her.

It was Monday and in two hours she was scheduled to have a meeting at Seattle Grace. It was bordering on negligence that she would potentially be seeing patients today. Meredith had been awake for over twenty-four hours, had traveled 7389 miles, had flown through nine times zones, and had worked for 15 hours and had had one hour of accumulated sleep during that time. She would rather go home, shower, sleep, and have some time to unpack her bags than going straight to hospital to work for who knows how many hours. But the much-needed shower had to wait and her bed had to wait as well.

She had secretly hoped that by the time she would return to Seattle there would have been some progress in accepting her German certification but the mills of bureaucracy were grinding painfully slowly. She had hoped that she could walk into the meeting with the Chief and hand in her resignation. Instead, she would have to face the repercussions of her six-week absence. To the naked eye, she hadn't changed a lot, her hair was shorter and she had a new – still prominent – scar above her left eye. But the young physician would be returning with triple certification, leadership experience, and an astonishing surgery track record.

Meredith searched the crowded pickup area – it was surprisingly busy for being this early. Then she spotted him. Derek stood leaning against his dark SUV in the light Seattle drizzle waiting for her. A big stupid smile spread across her face. She couldn't help it, he made her smile and mushy inside. Meredith wasn't used to feeling so strongly about someone. These feelings were very new to her and over the last weeks, she came to like them – a lot.

Barely containing her excitement, she let go of her luggage cart and flew in his waiting arms. He wrapped his arms around her skinny body pulling her closer. She buried her face into his chest smelling in his unique scent before he gently pulled her face to his. His soft lips touched hers. Their kiss was slow, sweet, exploring and both put all the emotion in the kiss they had been waiting for for weeks.

"Hey."

"Hi," Meredith smiled against his lips.

"I missed you," Derek whispered.

"I missed you, too," Meredith echoed.

"I'm glad you're finally back," he told her. The drizzle had turned into rain. "Is this everything?" Derek asked as they heaved the third suitcase into the trunk of his car.

"Of my belongings?" Meredith replied with a question.

"You know what I mean," he rolled his eyes.

"For now it's everything. The rest is still back in Munich. My stuff took over half of Anna's attic. She wasn't that amused, but she offered. And then I left boxes with at least six friends," Meredith grinned innocently, as she climbed into his car. Their hands interlocked the second Derek had started the car. Meredith covered her yawn with her elbow.

"I brought you coffee," Derek pointed at the two isolated cups in the cupholder.

"Thank you, you are a live saver," Meredith took one of the cups and gratefully took a sip of the hot brown liquid. They drove through the deserted streets of Seattle.

"Are you hungry?" He asked.

"Do you know me? I'm always hungry. Why?"

"I thought we could go get something to eat before we head to the hospital. I thought we could both use a treat before today."

"So true, so true," Meredith agreed, "And I'm starving."

"When do you meet with Richard?"

"At seven. Who meets at seven on a Monday morning?"

"It seems like Richard Webber does."

"It's awfully early for a meeting with the Chief don't you think?"

"True. I'm sure he has his reasons. What are you going to tell him?" Derek asked, backing up into a parking spot near the coffee shop they had had breakfast after their first meeting.

"That depends on what he says," Meredith shrugged. "It doesn't make much sense for me to plan what I might tell him if I don't know what the meeting is about. I have my suspicions … I don't even know what I'm walking into."

"You'll be walking into his office," Derek deadpanned.

"Oh look at you trying to be a comedian. Your set is not ready for the stage yet. What I meant is I have no idea about the situation at the hospital. I've been so wrapped up in work the last couple of weeks that I had no time to think about what the situation would be like when I returned. I haven't texted Cristina in three weeks. I'm going in blind today."

"Well, I can tell you that Bailey is pissed. I overheard her complaining to Richard on Friday. She thinks it's unacceptable that you are back on the schedule like nothing had happened. I have no idea about the interns, I don't keep up with them. The betting pool around your disappearance is still going strong, some people are going to be very disappointed when you appear again – so be prepared for that. I don't know about Richard – he seems … unconcerned," Derek locked his car.

"I know, it's weird. It kind of makes me nervous," Meredith said, taking his hand again. It had stopped raining so they had parked a block away from the café.

"Why are you nervous about Richard's handling?"

"He should be furious that I kept extending my leave. That I left his department hanging, that other interns had to pick up my slack – but so far he isn't. He created a spot for me when he learned that it was me my professor had been talking about. He let me go deal with an emergency and allowed me to stay away for six weeks without proper reasoning. I never asked for special treatment but I got it anyway. I was prepared to quit. Hell, every time I called I was prepared to quit. Those are red flags, Derek. He has different rules for different people. And you know it. It makes me nervous, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. What does he want in return?"

"The other shoe to drop?"

"Yes. Like the paperwork not coming through, something with my mother, people finding out about us, the repercussions of my absence."

"That's why you'll continue your silent suffering and not going to tell anyone that you have a triple certification? And what you did during the six weeks you were away?" Derek asked.

"Yes, that's the plan. I want to make sure I have the paperwork and have dates set for the board exams before I let the cat out of the bag. I don't want to jinx anything. By how things are going for me this year – everything could be a possibility," Meredith argued.

"It's not all bad," he squeezed her hand a little tighter.

"I'm not saying it's all bad, I'm just saying I wouldn't be surprised if it wouldn't turn out the way I had intended."

"I already made you an offer, but you are adamant about leaving Seattle Grace," Derek opened the door to the coffee shop.

"We talked about it, Derek," Meredith replied. They found a small table by the window, sat down, and ordered their food.

* * *

_It was Tuesday morning and through the opened window Meredith could hear kids loudly recapping their Monday afternoon as they made their way to school. She had just woken up, her brain still in the state between sleep and fully awake. She moved closer to the middle of the bed and snuggled into his bare chest. She had never thought that waking up to the same person could be so nice. He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her a little closer. The warm duvet covered their naked bodies. The air in the room was cool but they were in their warm cocoon._

_"What time is it?" Derek asked sleepily._

_"Just before eight, maybe quarter to," Meredith mumbled._

_Derek moved and picked his watch off of the nightstand. "7:46. You haven't even looked at a watch. Is this another one of your many talents?"_

_"School starts at eight," Meredith replied as if it would explain everything. "We still have some time until we need to get up to get you to the airport." It was unusual for her to be still in bed by eight. _

_"Good," he leaned down and kissed her hair softly. "I've been thinking…"_

_"Sounds dangerous," Meredith interrupted him._

_"Very funny. You could stay at Seattle Grace. Work for me as a pediatric neurosurgeon." Derek suggested running his fingers over her back._

_"Yeah … No," Meredith shook her head. She flipped onto her stomach to be able to look at his face._

_"Why not?"_

_"Do I really need to elaborate on that?"_

_"Yes, please."_

_"Mhm, let me see. My current status, lack of research funding, almost no interdisciplinary interaction, no multidisciplinary care teams, too much hierarchy, no med students, the food in the cafeteria, the on-call beds, no pediatric neurosurgery department, you and there are way better options in the city that will meet most of my requirements," Meredith listed._

_"What do you mean with your current status?"_

_"What do you think will happen if I go from intern to attending overnight? And then continue working at the same hospital with the same people as the day before? I can tell you what will happen. It's going to be a disaster. Half the people will not take me seriously while the other half will continue the gossip about which strings I pulled to be an attending. I'm talking about nurses, scrub techs, orderlies, radiology techs, everyone I've ever worked with. You can't ignore that the people that were my pears the day before would be my subordinates. The residents would be my subordinates and my former bosses would be my pears. I don't think it is going to work," Meredith took a deep breath in, "I didn't spend years of my life in school and working my butt off to make it to this point to then have to fight tooth and nail to get an ounce of respect. And let's be real here for a moment, you can't just offer me a job. You can't just ignore the process of getting funding, creating and advertising a position, then interviewing and hiring a candidate. It takes months and you wouldn't even know if I would be the right fit for a job that doesn't exist - you haven't even seen me in an OR – and if you could guarantee me a job that would be nepotism. And I don't approve of nepotism."_

_"Have you seen your resume? You shouldn't have any problems finding a position anywhere."_

_"And that's why I will work at a different hospital. Seattle Grace was always meant to be a temporary solution. Nothing more. That hasn't changed. And now that there is you there is even one more reason why I shouldn't stay. I told you I don't date my boss. And you would still be my boss. I'm not saying that we can't ever work together, I'm just saying that I can't work for you. There would be no separation between work-life and private-life. And that in a job with practically no work-life balance. Don't get me wrong I love what I do but if you ask any of my friends they're going to tell you that I spent way too much time at hospitals over the last ten years," Meredith took a deep breath, "I have no clue where this thing between us is going or if it's even going somewhere but I like you … a lot. The last two days I had the most fun being somewhere doing almost nothing. And that's because of you. I don't want to ruin something potentially great because we try to figure out the logistics of you being my boss, hiding a relationship in constant fear someone finds out about us while getting to know each other. I don't want to hide. I don't want to get to know someone in front of the entire hospital staff either. I want to come home and tell my boyfriend about my day, complain about my boss and colleagues. I want to know about his day and hear him complain. I want to go on dates without the fear of running into someone we work with. I don't want a potential relationship to be downgraded to hospital gossip…"_

_"I don't want that either."_

_"Good. So why did you bring it up if it's something you don't want?"_

_"Because I was thinking as Dr. Derek Shepherd and he wants to build a cutting edge neurosurgery center at Seattle Grace and there is this amazingly brilliant innovative surgeon who would be an amazing asset to the hospital and she doesn't want to work there because I – Derek - happen to be dating her. And it drives him mad that he has to see her go work of the competition," Derek sighed._

_"It's not like I'm planning to apply to Mercy West or Seattle Pres. I hope you know that. There are only two places that I even consider for neurosurgery. If neither of them isn't looking for someone then I'll have to figure something out and do anesthesiology in the meantime. And you will build an amazing center, Derek. I am sure about that. I've seen the changes over the last months. But maybe you should stick with what you're good at and go from there. Build on your and your surgeons' strengths. Hire people that play into what you're already good at. You don't need a pediatric neurosurgery unit or a pediatric neurosurgeon. Seattle Grace doesn't have the capacity to deal with a lot of complex pediatric neurosurgery cases. The peds and neonatal units at Grace are good, I don't say that they aren't but they're near capacity. You need a lot more manpower to take care of a child than a single adult. More nurses, more techs, more everything. And Seattle has one of the best pediatric neurosurgery programs in the country at Children's. It doesn't make a lot of sense to venture out," Meredith told him honestly._

_"You complained that we didn't have a pediatric neurosurgeon when it came to Jamie."_

_"I did. You need someone who has some training in pediatric neurosurgery in case an emergency comes in and Children's can't take them but you don't need someone fulltime on staff just for that. You should think about working with them. To be some kind of overflow cooperation," Meredith rolled on her back and getting out of bed. She grabbed the first item of clothing on the floor and put it on. It was Derek's dress shirt that had landed on the floor yesterday night when they came home from Italy. "And that Jamie ended up at your clinic is a major flaw in the system."_

_"What are you doing?"_

_"I'm going to get in the shower and get ready so I can show you little more of Munich before we drive to the airport so you can see your mother," Meredith proceeded to grab clean clothes out of her closet._

_"Can't we just stay here?" he complained._

_"I would love that, but life doesn't work like that, unfortunately," Meredith glared at him, left the bedroom for the bathroom, and turned on the shower giving the water some time to heat up. "Are you coming or are you staying in bed?" She stepped into the warm water waiting for Derek to join her._

_"I'm coming, I'm coming!" Derek hurried out of bed._

* * *

"Just making sure you haven't changed your mind," Derek winked.

"I am not going to change my mind, no matter how many times you try to convince me. My days at Seattle Grace have an expiration date. At least on the surgical staff."

Their food arrived halting this particular conversation for some much-needed nutrition. They sat next to each other facing the inside of the coffee shop, with the window in their backs. As time passed more and more people entered the coffee shop to collect their to-go cups and paper bags with baked goods. Neither of them noticed that the traffic outside picked up or that the line at the counter became longer. They were too engrossed with each other, touching each other for the first time in almost three weeks. Both had been happy to be able to use modern technology to communicate with each other, to see each other even when on a small screen. Nothing beat real human interaction, to hear someone's voice, their tone, too smell them, to see their facial expressions, to feel the warmth of their body up close. Meredith rested her head on his shoulder, playing with his fingers while they both read the same section of the newspaper.

Meredith yawned again. "I don't want to go to work today," she stated. "I want to stay here in our happy bubble for a little longer."

"Me too," Derek agreed. "I don't want to deal with Addison and Richard."

"Or Bailey, or my mother. I think I have decided that I'm postponing a visit to the nursing home until tomorrow. What is one day to her?"

"Let's just skip work," Derek joked.

"Last night I gave you the option of running – you declined. Now we need to face the music. I probably more than you. For you, it's going to be fine. You just need to stay civil and keep your relationship drama out of the hospital. My drama is already out there. They are ready to watch act two," Meredith told him facing him, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"I know," His thumb gently ghosted over her scar. Meredith slightly flinched. The area was still sensitive to touch. Both knew that the fracture was not healed yet. "I just come to notice how difficult it's going to be to stay away from you all day, now that I have you back."

"See, that's why I need to go work somewhere else, so that we can concentrate on our jobs and do this when we're off," Meredith took his face in her hands, pulling him closer kissing him softly. Both melted into the tender kiss.

* * *

At 7:05 a.m. Meredith knocked on the Chief's door. Seattle made her late, in Munich she was never late for anything - she was always early. No matter how hard she tried she was always late in Seattle. She hated being late, it wasn't her. They had severely miscalculated how long they would need from the coffee shop to the hospital.

"Come in," she heard Dr. Webber through the door. Just before her hand touched the doorknob her eyes caught the reddish-orange material of her windbreaker. The windbreaker that had her name embroidered on the side and had 'Notarzt' written in capital reflexive letters on the back. Quickly she peeled herself out of the jacket and shoved into her bag that was already bursting. She opened the door.

"Ah, Meredith, come in," Richard greeted her, "Sit down," he pointed to one of the chairs in front of his desk.

"Thank you," Meredith sat down, still not quite sure what to expect from this meeting.

"How are you?"

"I'm fine, thank you. And you?"

"I'm going well. I hope you could take care of that family emergency," Richard told her honestly.

"Everything should be fine now. Thank you again, that I was able to take care of it and that I was able to extend my leave. I want you to know that I greatly appreciated your flexibility and that I'm not taking it for granted," Meredith was grateful that she had a job to return to – even if it wasn't satisfying her.

"Of course. I understand that sometimes things happened that we can't control. I was a little surprised about the severity of the emergency. It must have been quite the problem if it took six weeks to solve," he looked at her a little suspiciously.

"Yes, one thing followed the other," at that moment she decided to tell him a little more. "I was involved in an accident and was out of commission for a while."

"Oh, are you okay?" he asked concern present in his voice.

"It wasn't a big deal, it just delayed everything a little. Once again I'm thankful for your flexibility," she thanked him again. Technically she was telling him the truth.

Richard dropped the topic, he had a feeling that he wouldn't get more out of her about her absence. The story with the accident seemed plausible. She had a prominent pink scar above her left eye and he had no way of asking for more information about a private matter.

"Well, it's good that you are back. But Meredith I have to be honest with you we have a bit of a dilemma. You missed over six weeks of your internship. One-third of the time you were supposed to be here you weren't. You are at the beginning of your practical education and six weeks is a long time. It's a lot to catch up on in all aspects of your training. I'm not saying it's impossible, I just have my doubts. In all my time as residency director and Chief of surgery, I have never seen an intern catch up to their peers after such a long absence. I had interns that fell severely sick, that been involved in horrific accidents or that had to take time to care for loved ones. Individual cases with their own reasons why they needed to take the time and sadly all of them had to repeat their year. I'm not saying this to scare you, I just want you to know that this is a possibility," the Chief elaborated. "One thing has changed though. Last year we have implemented an unofficial progress test. It is a way for us to test our interns to see if they are meeting our expectations. We expect our interns to meet a certain skill level at the four months mark. That one member of the intern class had been absent before this exam hadn't happened yet. And honestly, for the longest time, I didn't know what to do about it. We – that being Dr. Bailey, Dr. Rosenthal, and me – have decided that we will allow you to take the exam this Friday before we decide how to further proceed," he looked at her. "We are willing to give you a chance but the expectations for you to succeed are not the highest."

"How exactly do I have to imagine this exam?" she asked carefully. Meredith had taken so many exams in her life that nothing could surprise her anymore. Just five weeks ago she had taken the three most important exams of her life and she had done just fine. But in order to prepare, she needed to know what she would face.

"Yeah right. That would be helpful information, wouldn't it? Well, it's a two-part exam. One part is written, testing your theoretical knowledge about each rotation. The other part is practical – this will be your biggest disadvantage. You will be tested on surgical skills that were taught during the rotation skill labs." Meredith nodded. "We will test the practical skills as well as the theoretical knowledge of all surgical interns, to get a grasp about their progress over the last four months. It's a way for us to prevent inconsistencies with the program, to make sure that everyone is on track, and if not we can suggest ways to assure that the specific intern can catch up with the others or have ways to change their specialty. We have an agreement with other departments that interns can change programs if the results are not to our or their liking. I want you to know that there will be no exceptions for you because of your absence. You will be doing the exact same exam as everyone. This will determine how the rest of your intern year will be going," Richard told her.

"Seems fair. What happens after the exam?" Meredith asked.

"If you should pass, you can continue with your internship as planned. You can decide in which specialties or subspecialties you want to spend more time in and put in a request. Or if you would like to rotate through other services within this hospital you could do that as well. If you fail, we are going to have another conversation, but we are going to cross that bridge when we get to it," he smiled at her fatherly. He acted as if he knew her but she could barely remember him. She had been so young to remember him as a friend. Her life began when she moved to Boston when she met Anna. Seattle was just a dark spot that she had no desire to shine a light on.

"Okay," Meredith nodded.

"Let's talk about this week," the Chief continued. "Since you missed three weeks out of the four weeks on Dr. Brown's service and with the exam on Friday we've decided that you are going to step in where ever they need you. Don't expect to get into an OR this week. In general, we tried to clear as much of the interns' schedules as possible. There should be time for practicing techniques in the skills lab or for going over your notes. The skill labs are open for you to use but they aren't supervised. Last year some of the residents set up times for the interns to ask questions. Use this time. Do you have any questions?"

"No, everything is clear. Thank you," Meredith replied when both heard the door open.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to interrupt, Richard. I'm just going to wait outside."

"You're not interrupting, Addi. Come in, come in. We were just wrapping up anyways," the Chief got up from his office chair to great the woman with a short hug. "It's good to see you, Addi."

"Likewise, Richard. It's been years," she smiled brightly.

"It feels like yesterday that you graduated from your residency. I can't believe it has been so long since I left New York," Richard turned around. Meredith had gotten out of her seat and had picked up her bag from the floor. The woman had long straight red hair and wore an expensive name-brand coat and heels. Meredith knew who she was even before the Chief introduced her. "Addi, this is Dr. Grey one of our interns," the redhead shook Meredith's hand, "This is Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd. She's temporally taking over for Dr. Parker, but I'm trying to convince her to take the position," the Chief smiled. "She would be a great asset to this hospital. Well, Meredith, I think we have discussed everything that needed to be discussed. Dr. Bailey knows more specifics about your schedule, you should go and find her. Have a good first day back."

* * *

The locker room was empty and deserted when she entered. All her working intern colleagues were on rounds with their departments. She looked around the room. It was exactly how she remembered, uninviting, and cold. The only difference was that people now started leaving their stuff laying around. There were shoes flung under the benches and dirty scrub tops thrown in corners. It smelled like shoes, dirty scrubs, and cheese. Not a smell that was very pleasant in a communal changing area. The finality of her move hit her at that moment. This was where she would be for the next months, if she liked it or not.

Meredith opened her locker. It was like she had never left it six weeks ago. It was a mess. She caught her crumbled white coat before it fell to the floor. She cursed herself silently that she had left her locker in that state. She was looking for the hospital card that allowed her to get fresh light blue scrubs out of the scrub dispenser. Rummaging through the contents of her locker she couldn't find it. She had no idea where she had put it. Meredith exhaled loudly. She had a pair of scrubs in one of her suitcases that sat in the trunk of Derek's car in the parking garage. Getting to those was not an option and organizing a new card from the office would take forever. For now, she would have to make do with the change of clothes in her bag. Early on Meredith had tried wearing normal clothes to work – but not wearing scrubs as an intern was frowned upon. She grabbed her canvas bag and the toiletry bag out of her locker and went into the bathroom.

In the bathroom, Meredith changed out of her smelly airplane clothes, brushed her teeth, and washed her face. She ran a brush through her hair. The dark circles under her eyes and the bright pink scar on her forehead did nothing to improve her appearance. With the help of some concealer, she could recognize herself a little more. She still looked tired.

Back in the locker room she put on her nameless white coat, clipped her hospital ID to the front pocket, fished her statoscope out of her bag, draped it around her neck. With a big sigh, she put her beloved loupes back on the top shelve where they would remain unused until she would need them for some miraculous reason. She changed the batteries of her pager, she hated that thing with a passion. The hospital issued tablet was dead, it had been sitting in her locker room for the past six weeks. She rummaged through her bag to find the portable battery she knew she had brought with her. She caught her reflection in the mirror. Dressed in the dark skinny pants, the flowy coral top, and the white coat she looked like the boss Meredith that had been running a department mere days ago. Small unignorable details indicated she wasn't. She inhaled deeply preparing herself for the inevitable.

* * *

She found Bailey in an office on the surgical floor. Meredith softly knocked on the doorpost. "Dr. Bailey, Dr. Webber told me to come find you."

Bailey looked up at Meredith her face indifferent. "Grey. You're back. It's been long enough."

"I'm back," Meredith confirmed.

"Forty-two days ago you took off in the middle of your shift without letting me know that you would be gone for six weeks. And now you just turn up again and all you say is that you're back? I hope for your own good that it's not all you have to say because I swear I am less than thrilled about your disappearance. I would really truly appreciate an explanation as to why you thought you could miss three weeks of your internship. You missed half the neurosurgery rotation, the entire ortho rotation, and therefore failed both. This could endanger your entire career," Bailey told her sternly.

"I failed?" Meredith asked a little surprised.

"Of course you did. Did you really think that you would pass after what you pulled? You should apologize to Dr. Shepherd and he may let you back on his service at some point, but I highly doubt that. You want neither a failed neurosurgery rotation nor a failed ortho rotation on your record. Anyways we'll see how much you're behind the others in Friday's exam. With that out of the way, I really hope you have a real good explanation for why you did what you did," Bailey glared at her.

"Dr. Bailey, I had a family emergency, which collided with an already approved leave of absence that I extended."

"That's all I get?"

"I wish I could tell you more but unfortunately can't. And I don't think I need to justify what I did while I was on unpaid leave. All I can say is that it was known that I would miss at least two weeks of my internship before signing my contract. I apologize for the way I left and that I didn't inform you personally. However, I talked to the Chief before I did and had permission to go," Meredith explained calmly.

"I don't want to hear your excuses. I don't really care where you went and what you did while you were there. All I care about is that you went. Your colleagues had to pick up your slack. This is unacceptable behavior. Not only did you show a lack of professionalism but you also made me look bad in front of an attending. I will not allow this kind of behavior from any of my interns. I'm keeping a close eye on you. I want you to report about everything you do. There will be not a single order that you put into the system without me knowing about it. If you touch a single patient without my knowledge we are going to have a big problem. You will not enter an OR or any procedure without my permission. Everything you do goes past me. Are we understood?"

"Yes," Meredith replied.

"Okay, so we have a new charting system. We had some problems last week with transferring some of the data. You need to go over the last six months of charts to make sure that everything has transferred into the new system. You got all general patients with letters A - M." Dr. Bailey told Meredith who made a face that didn't go unnoticed.

"Did you seriously think that you would get any great opportunities after a six-week absence?"

"Of course not."

"Good. Moving on, additionally, you are going to jump in where ever you are needed. Today you're going to do the noon and afternoon lab check for all post-ops on the floor. And remember before you do anything you are going to consult with me," the resident told her, "If you work fast you may still have some time to get some lab time in. It all depends on your work ethic. Go get started and get yourself a pair of scrubs," she dismissed her before she returned her attention to her documents. Meredith turned around and exhaled slowly. She had expected some repercussions from the small strong-willed resident who seemed like the type of person who liked to be in control and to known everything. That she would have to report everything she did to Bailey for the foreseeable future made the intern-gig even more unappealing. She checked her watch. An hour and a half back at Seattle Grace and she already felt her mood degrease.

* * *

Avoiding Addison was his main task for today and so far he had been successful. He had retreated into the safety of the OR for five hours. The operating room was his happy place and today it was the perfect place to ignore the presence of his soon-to-be-ex-wife who had come to Seattle unannounced. He had been fine for the last weeks, happily living his life avoiding the 'New-York-problem'. With her being here, in the same state, city, and hospital, all the anger, disappointment, and hurt that he had successfully suppressed for the last months came back up. The well-adjusted adult had budged for the deeply hurt husband. He was moody and tense. He was not looking forward to the showdown that was about to happen.

Derek was also disappointed. Over the last weeks, he had imagined the day that Meredith would return. He knew that it was hard for her to leave her beloved job, friends, and family. He understood that Seattle didn't hold the same sentiment to her as it did to him. For him it was his refugium, for her it was her exile. Unlike him, she never chose to move here. He had taken a couple of steps forward in his career while she had taken several steps back. What amazed him that she took it with stride. From what he had learned about her mother and their relationship over the last weeks, had this been a sacrificial move for Meredith. But she had put their differences aside to protect her mother's privacy and legacy accepting her personal and professional percussions that came with the transatlantic move.

He had planned to make today special, to let her know that she had someone in Seattle. Someone to count on, someone to talk to. He had been excited to show her the trailer, his land, to make good of his promise to cook for her and celebrate their reunion. And now he didn't know what would happen tonight – would Meredith be off, would Addison's presence thwart his plans, would they still be in the mood?

He exited the family consultation room on the surgical floor, having just talked to the families of his patients. Today had been an easy surgery day, routine procedures. He lived for the complicated cases but sometimes he enjoyed the simplicity of routinely scheduled straight-forward-surgeries. He had walked his resident through parts of the procedure and he was pleased with his progress. He checked his watch. It was already two-thirty in the afternoon. There were fewer people in the hallways than usual. It seemed more orderly than he usually had experienced the floor. There was a sense of calmness and that he had only ever noticed in his private practice setting. No interns seemed to be lurking around corners trying to convince him to let them in on one of his surgeries. Residents seemed more relaxed as well. He couldn't pinpoint if this eerie feeling came from his general mood or the weather outside.

The nurses' station that he passed on his way to his office seemed as busy as usual. The door of the surgical residents' office was open. He peeked inside. It was normal to find a bunch of residents there catching up on paperwork or reading up on cases. But today the multiple desks and computers were almost unoccupied. Only one person sat in the room, surrounded by multiple lit up screens. She sat cross-legged with her back to him, earbuds in, totally enchanted in whatever she was doing. He quietly closed the door behind him. He approached her, softly laying his hand on her shoulder. His efforts to not startled her failing. She looked up with big eyes, a smile spreading over her face when she saw who he was.

"Hey," he smiled. "Is it just me or does it seem different outside?"

"That would be because the majority of interns are in the skill lab desperately trying to prepare for Friday's exam."

"Right. And what are you doing here? You have quite the set-up here," he questioned, looking around all the different screens around her.

"A very good question, Dr. Shepherd," Meredith smirked. "Here," she pointed at two of the screens, "I'm making sure that all general surgery charts from the last six months have been correctly transferred into the new charting system."

"What?"

"You know to keep me busy, away from patients, and punish me for my absence. And most importantly away from studying for an exam that someone forgot to mention," she smirked at him with accusing eyes. "Anyways I wrote a code and now it's just running through the data by itself and alerts for any mismatched data – should there be any. So I have time to do other things," Meredith pointed at a different computer screen, "Like waiting for lab results and radiology reports. To then page the patients' residents to let them know about the update. Intern stuff," she shrugged. "And here," she touched her closed laptop, "Here I was finishing up some paperwork. Reports from last week's surgeries that still needed to be written and signed off on. Those are all sent out. By the way, I need a statement from you."

"A statement?" he questioned.

"Yes. A witness statement. You know about the thing that happened."

"A statement about the thing that happened? Can I just pick any thing or is there a specific thing I should give a statement on?"

"Come on Derek!" she rolled her eyes, "I need your statement about the Wiesn incident for the work insurance, the police report and the prosecution. And since you decided that you needed to watch me work that day and witnessed the thing you can make yourself useful and write me a statement. Because honestly, it's all a blur to me. There is a witness statement form. It needs to be handwritten and signed. Don't ask me why."

"That was four weeks ago. Are they going to prosecute the guy?"

"I don't know yet. They are trying to take the assault of first responders seriously this year since the numbers are rising. But most – like me – just brush it off and move on with their lives. Over the last weeks, I've been urged by many people to report it and then they are legally required to charge him. It's not like I would benefit from it," She shrugged, changing the topic. "Here," she pointed at the tablet in her lab, "I tried to read up on orthopedic surgery but it's painfully dull. I got distracted with a new case that had been posted in the international pediatric neurosurgery community. Look at it," she handed Derek the iPad. "They believe it to be inoperable."

"But you don't?"

"I'm not so sure. I would need the entire file and tissue analysis to make a conclusive diagnosis. But I have to admit the case is intriguing."

"Are you bored or something?" Derek asked amused giving her back the tablet.

"That and utterly exhausted. I'm on my sixth cup of coffee. I need to keep busy so I don't fall asleep on the job. How are you?"

"I'm good. Just finished two surgeries," he leaned against the desk facing her. "I haven't seen her yet."

"You haven't?"

"No. Maybe she's not here, yet."

"Well, she is here. I can confirm that. I'm surprised that you haven't been summoned yet. Because he was very happy to see her and he offered her a permanent job right when she walked in this morning," Meredith told him.

"Richard did what?!"

Meredith proceeded to tell him about this morning's meeting with the Chief. They were in their bubble, in the middle of the hospital in an openly accessible office. Thrown back to just a couple of hours ago when their relationship only existed over a screen. Where whenever they saw each other they could openly talk about whatever was on their minds. Both forgetting the rules they had agreed on.

"I'm not telling you this to upset you. I just want you to know that her visit could be more permanent than you might think."

"I'm not upset … No, that's a lie. I am," he ran his fingers through his hair. "I thought I would have moved past being upset over _it _by now, but I haven't. Her being here just ripped off the scab of a healing wound that wasn't ready to come off yet. And now it's bleeding again and I don't know why. I haven't even seen her yet. The sheer knowledge of her presence …" Derek visibly cringed.

"I think it's understandable. This has been building up for months, you may have made up your mind about getting a divorce and moving on but that doesn't mean you can't be hurt. And that her presence in your refugium brings all of this back up, is natural. So don't beat yourself up about it. Let the feelings happen and find a way to deal with them. Don't suppress them. It's not healthy," her smile was comforting and empathic, "I should probably take my own advice. I'm in a funk as well. Hell, I'm sitting here doing the worst of the scut work while I distract myself with reading case files trying not to think about what could be my alternative reality. If I wouldn't be for this intriguing distraction I would get super depressed by the thought that I just … you know … left an awesome job I loved to do this. That I won't see the inside of an OR for god knows how long and that my resident is furious that I left."

"We make quite the pair," Derek chuckled.  
"Yes. We should probably stay away from people."

"True. How was your conversation with Dr. Bailey?"

"Like expected. I'm not allowed to do anything without her permission, to the point should someone collapse in front of me and I try to save their life that I will have a big problem with her," Meredith shrugged.

"That's not the intention of the internship."

"I know. On the plus side, I think I'm going to finish my habilitation earlier after all. If I wouldn't be so tired I would be writing right now."

"You can't sit still, can you?" Derek laughed.

"I'm sitting still right now!" Meredith protested.

"You know what I mean, Ms. MD, MPH, MHA, soon to be professor," Derek joked. They had unconsciously moved closer together. Their legs touching, both in need of the connection.

"You know that this is the description of 'failure'. If you look it up in the dictionary you would see us. I'm not even back for eight hours and we have broken almost all our rules."

"I know but I can't help it," he smirked. The second the statement had left his mouth the door to the office opened and two residents entered. They were too engaged in their conversation to notice Derek and Meredith quickly moving apart. Derek stood up and while Meredith pushed her chair a little further away from him.

"Hello, Dr. Shepherd. I didn't see you there," one of the residents greeted him.

"Hello, how is it going?" he acknowledged their presence. " Dr. Grey I will … see what I can do about …"

"the document that I asked you about. Thank you very much. It would be great if I could get it rather quickly," Meredith saved him.

"Of course. Well, I should probably get going," Derek walked out of the room only to turn around once more to catch Meredith mouthing 'real smooth' behind the residents' backs clearly amused.

* * *

Meredith sat on a desk in the skill lab, her hands tucked under her dangling legs. On the table in front of her Cristina was practicing sutures. All-day she had been stuck alone in a windowless office doing administrative work for Bailey. She had only briefly left the room to grab a bite to eat and to keep her caffeine intake going.

Her reappearance to the schedule had been quiet. Most of her colleagues hadn't even noticed she was back. Luckily to her, they seemed to be too preoccupied with the exam to care about her disappearance and reappearance on the schedule.

During one of her coffee runs she had run into Cristina who was delighted that she was back. At some point, during Meredith's absence, their textual conversation had fallen asleep. The time difference, their busy schedules and the fact that Cristina wasn't big into texting weren't helping to keep a steady text conversation going. Meredith was happy to find out that Cristina didn't care that she hadn't heard from her for more than three weeks and that their young friendship didn't seem to have suffered from the time apart.

The fact that Meredith could still rely on her lifted an immense weight off her shoulders. She had been nervous about her return because there had been no way of knowing how any of her intern colleagues would react. At some point, she had come to know that Derek would be there for her. Having someone on the same level in your corner was different than having a secret boyfriend who was a couple of hierarchy levels above you. Cristina had told her that she would be in the skill lab all afternoon to perfect her suture technique and that Meredith should join her when she had the time.

Towards the end of her shift, Meredith had run out of things to do. Her program had run through all general surgery charts of the past six months, had detected any mistakes, and had corrected them. Meredith had played catch up and had sent countless emails to Matze with medical reports, notes that needed to be added to her patients' charts, and performance reviews. She had written on her habilitation and worked on a new research essay that she may publish at some point. Her day had been very boring but also very productive. She was exhausted. Her body craved sleep.  
With a little more than an hour left on her shift, Meredith had decided to visit Cristina in the skill lab. There were only Cristina and George in the lab using the equipment – the others had apparently practiced enough for today. The young Asian woman sat in the back doing her thing. Meredith had quietly caught her up on the last six weeks leaving out that Derek had come to Munich, that they had met, that they had gone to Italy together or that Meredith was officially in a relationship with him. Those were details that wouldn't be shared in these hospital walls.

Cristina had summarized the last six weeks for her. The cliff notes were: That neurosurgery sucked but not as much as ortho. That the new charting system was horrible and the cafeteria had cut pizza day. That Izzie had the hots for Derek, Alex screwed all the nurses, George was George, and that Bailey was expecting a baby.

"Can you imagine being pregnant during your residency? I mean a baby," Cristina whispered as she threaded the needle through the skin model.

"It's not that uncommon. It happens more than you think," Meredith shrugged.

"She can kiss her surgical career goodbye. You can either be a mother or a surgeon," Cristina argued.

Meredith sighed: "I wish people would stop assuming that you can't be both. If you want to be a mother and a surgeon you can make it work. You can't expect to be the best mother and the best surgeon – but you can be a good mother and a good surgeon. It's all about adjusting your expectations. I'm just saying we – as female surgeons – shouldn't judge a fellow female's decision - whatever she chooses to do. It just throws us back twenty years."

Cristina looked at her utterly shocked. "You want to have kids?"

"I'm not opposed to the thought of having a family – whatever that entails. I'm also not willing to hang up my career to fulfill some stereotypes. But I could imagine cutting back for a couple of years," Meredith shrugged. "Cristina, you have to remember that I'm at a very different point career-wise than you are or even Bailey is."

"It's just weird to hear you say this. I always thought that you would …"

"What? Be an Ellis? Live for my job? I love what I do, don't get me wrong. It's the best job in the world but there is more to life than winning awards and academic titles. And I know that sounds unbelievable coming from me," Meredith laughed.

Cristina thought about it for a moment before she responded: "I'm not ever going to change my mind on this one. Children aren't for me. I can be a cool aunt but not a mother."

"And that is totally fine," Meredith stated, her eyes were on George. He sat at a table in the front of the skill lab. In front of him a skull model on which he practiced burr holes. He was struggling. This was his second skull since Meredith had slipped into the lab thirty minutes ago.

"Damn it!" he cursed loudly when the drill slipped off the bone again. "Damn it, damn it, damn it! I hate this!" While he did he slammed the drill into the table, before he defeatedly let his head hang.

Meredith looked at Cristina before she jumped off the table grabbing another skull model out of the box. She had watched him slip again and again. Making the same mistakes over and over. George was a nice guy, a nice roommate and he had all the right characteristics to make a good doctor. It wasn't his fault that no one ever walked him through a proper craniotomy. Something about him made her feel sorry for him.

She walked up to him - still not dressed in scrubs – and put the new skull on the table. She grabbed a pair of surgical gloves. She wordlessly detached his model from the three-point fixation and screwed the new one in.

"Come on, George, stand up."

"What are you doing?" he inquired a little unsure what she was doing.

"Get up," Meredith urged him, preparing his work station. "Rule number one. Always practice procedure like you would do them in the OR. So no sitting down."

"What are you doing, Meredith?" he repeated. She handed him a pair of gloves.

"Do you want to know how to do burr holes or are you going to ask questions? Put on the gloves."

"But …"

"She is trying to help you, George. I would take it." Cristina interrupted him, she had moved to the front of the room as well.

George put on the gloves still unsure of what was happening.

"First things first: Your stance. Stand up straight, shoulders back, don't stand too close and not too far back and put your foot on the foot paddle to control the drill," Meredith moved George's body to the right position. She had taught this to so many of her residents that she couldn't help it. "That's perfect. Okay now get a feeling for the drill. Just try the speed and check if everything works properly before you start anything." George pressed his foot down starting the drill. "Good. Does it look okay? Is everything rotating like it's supposed to?"

"I think so."

"Okay. Now put the drill on the bone. Take your time, make sure you're perpendicular to the bone. If it's angled there is a greater risk of slipping off or that the holes aren't adequate. And no attending likes messy burr holes. Use your left hand for extra stability when you drill. Should the clutch system ever fail it prevents you from hitting the brain. Now try it."

George drilled his first successful hole into the skull model, clearly surprised with himself.

"Good. Now repeat that three more times. The goal is to connect the holes so you can get the bone flap off," Meredith instructed. She watched him as he drilled three more holes, getting more confident with each one.

"Perfect. Now you need the Crainotome blade and fit it into the footplate," George looked around the instruments looking for what Meredith meant. She handed him the plate and the foot. "These. I know it's a little confusing. Fit them together and make sure they are locked."

"Why do I need the footplate?" Cristina asked, for someone who wasn't interested in neurosurgery she seemed very interested in Meredith's tutorial.  
"It strips the dura off of the underside of the skull. If you put it into each burr holes you can make sure that the dura is untethered from the inside of the skull – it gives you a little leeway when you start connecting the holes. Remember when you connect the burr holes guide the footplate up and away from the dura and come out of the burr hole with control. Stabilize your dominant hand with your free one," Meredith instructed. George started under Meredith's watchful eye. The door gently opened and Derek's head appeared. They caught their eyes, both smiling. Derek held up his phone signaling her that he had tried to reach her. She checked her watch, she has been off for twenty minutes already. She nodded and he put his hands up as if he would be driving, she nodded again. He would be waiting in the car. "Okay slow down, take your left hand and protect the skull flap. Just like that. Congratulations George you just completed a craniotomy. There were still some hick-ups but let's be honest Rome wasn't built in a day either, so just keep practicing and you'll be fine on Friday."

"Thank you, Meredith. How do you know this stuff?" George asked relieved that he had finally made it through the procedure without slipping at the first burr hole.  
"I just do," Meredith shrugged. "Well, guys. I'm off. I need a bed and a shower and some food. I'll see you tomorrow, I'll be the one in the office doing scut work," Meredith joked while she grabbed her heavy bag off the floor. To avoid being in a changing room full of curious interns during shift change Meredith had grabbed her bag before she had decided to drop by the lab.

* * *

She opened the passenger door of his SUV, climbed in, leaned over the center console and gave him a quick gentle kiss on his lips.  
"You look beat," Derek said.

"I am beat."

"Where to?" He asked as he started his car.

"I don't care. All I need is a bed, a shower, food and you. As long as I have all of that I don't care where we are going."

* * *

5/16/20

Another long chapter for my lovely readers. Thank you for your response to my last chapter. I'm blown away that you seem to like my story. Thank you. Let me know what you think, I love to read your thoughts and ideas. I hope you are happy, healthy and safe. Have a great weekend.


	12. Chapter 12 - Coffee Shop

**Chapter 12 - Coffee Shop**

It was four-thirty in the morning. The house was dark and quiet, everyone was asleep. Everyone besides Meredith, who had been tossing and turning for the last hour. She sat propped up against her pillows staring into the dark void of her room. Next to her, Derek was sound asleep oblivious to her insomnia and anxiety.

Meredith gently lifted the warm comfortable duvet and quietly slipped out of bed. Grabbing her running clothes of the chair in the corner, she tiptoed into her adjoined bathroom to change. It was way too early to be awake or to go on a run. The wind was howling around the house but the rain had stopped. She pulled on a thermal shirt and zipped the windbreaker over it. It was cold outside. It had been raining for days, dropping the temperature into the low forties. The weather wasn't atypical for November.

Meredith didn't know what woke her up but once the cogs had started turning she was unable to stop them and fall back asleep. For the last hour, she had tried to stop her thoughts. She needed more sleep but her brain wouldn't let her. Running generally helped her to clear her mind from any worries and enabled her to organize the many thoughts that were keeping her awake. She switched off the bathroom light before opening the door once she was dressed.

The only source of light was the electronic digits of the alarm clock on her bedside table. She quietly sneaked through the dark room past the bed to the door, careful not to wake Derek. He was a light sleeper, especially on on-call-nights. She knew this kind of sleep – the uneasy sleep waiting for a call and always anxious that you would sleep through it. His pager laid next to his phone on the other bedside table ready to go off at any moment. She slipped through the door and noiselessly closed it behind her. The hallway was dark and quiet, both Izzie's and George's doors were closed.

Meredith sat down on the bottom step of the staircase to lace up her running shoes. She grabbed her phone off the charger in the study, placed it in the pocket of her windbreaker, and fastened her smartwatch around her wrist before unlocking the front door. She stepped into the cold, moist Seattle air, she took a couple of deep breaths in before she started moving. Her feet hit the pavement in her normal rhythm quickly picking up pace avoiding the big puddles that had formed from all the rain. As she ran through her dark and quiet neighborhood her mind finally began quieting down. With all the changes in her life, she appreciated that some things had stayed the same. The past weeks had been mentally draining. Ever since coming back, things had been exhaustingly complicated.

* * *

Her absence had complicated things with Izzie. She despised Meredith's secrecy. She couldn't stand that Meredith never told her anything personal, that she had never elaborated about her six-week absence, who she was seeing, or what she was doing when she visited her mother in the nursing home. Izzie had picked up on the fact that Meredith was seeing someone. Both Izzie and George had commented on her healthy sex life on occasion. While George respected Meredith's privacy, the tall blonde kept pressing for information. Early on Meredith had realized that Izzie was a gossip mouth. She spread rumors like wildfire. When Derek and Addison had one of their first open verbal disagreements in a hospital hallway, it soon had become Seattle Graces' top story. Meredith didn't know if Izzie had witnessed the quarrel first hand or had picked it up somewhere else, but she had broadcasted it word for word to the entire floor. She had been heartbroken when she found out that Derek wasn't the assumed eligible bachelor but had soon forgotten about the heartache since his marriage seemed to be in pieces.

It broke Meredith's heart to see Derek in this emotional state. Addison's presence had thrown him in a loop. Meredith had met him as the flirty fun guy in at Joe's. He had been obviously hurt but he had flirted none the less. He was the type of guy who was well aware of his effect on women. He was incredibly charismatic and charming with everyone. Ever since Addison showed up he was more pensive, quiet, and reserved when he was around other people. There was nothing Meredith could do to help him other than being there for him.

She had learned that Derek was a very private person - both shared that personality trait. He shared personal matters only with close friends and family. That he had been so open with her from the get-go had been a giant compliment to her. He continued to confide his feelings and thoughts in her.

Derek enjoyed the calm and quiet and usually was not one to be involved in any drama. His personal life was now on stage for everyone to spectate. Addison had invaded his sanctuary. Richard had invited her to Seattle and had asked her to stay. Last week she had signed a short term contract with Seattle Grace until the end of February, which had sent Derek into another frenzy.

At first, they could only speculate why she had decided to accept Richard's offer when she knew that Derek had filed for divorce. They had suspected that it had been her way of convincing Derek to give them another chance – to show that she had made an effort to reconcile. It was only after Derek had done some investigations with some friends in New York that he had found out that Addison and Mark had been living together for the last four months until he had cheated on her. Two days ago Derek had accidentally found out that Addison was ten weeks pregnant – it just had been cherry on top of the shit-sundae.

Addison was an opportunist. Richard's phone call had come to an opportune time and she had used it to escape New York. Addison had told Derek that she had to figure some stuff out for herself. Derek was beyond furious that she had picked his front yard from all the places she could pick. He had wanted to start a family for years, but the timing had never been right. There had always been an excuse why they couldn't, wouldn't, shouldn't. Year after year he had swallowed his wishes and dreams until she would eventually decide it was the right time. The time never came. Now he had a front-row seat to his soon-to-be-ex-wife growing a human being together with Mark. Derek was also furious with Richard who after witnessing their marital problems first hand, had continued to pursue his quest to hire her.

The only positive thing that came out of this recent development was that Addison had finally agreed to meet with a divorce mediator. In early December both would meet with a mediator in New York to figure out the final divorce conditions. There were a lot of assets to be divided.

Meredith was livid with Addison as well. Meredith had been a lone soldier for most of her life. Her dad had left, her mother had been too busy to care, most au pairs left after a year and never looked back, she never had a lot of friends until she came to Munich. Her friends were her family. For years she had been alone. She had learned to not take the people in her life for granted. Once Meredith let someone into her life she was in their corner, she fought for them and protected them. Derek was her friend – he was way more than just her friend, which just tripled Meredith's usual reaction.

She had googled Addison, to get a feel who Derek's ex-wife was. Understandingly he hadn't talked a lot about her, so she needed to get her information from different sources. She had been curious. She had hoped that she would be ordinary. After reading her resume she had concluded that Derek had a type, even if only subconsciously. On paper, Meredith and Addison - two very different people - couldn't be more similar. Both had a prominent parent in the medical community. Addison's father was the sitting dean of medicine at Yale. Addison was double board-certified and heavily involved in genetic research. Her name was out there. She was a bright, impressive, confident woman who looked like a movie star. She was very hard to hate. Meredith couldn't help but feel a little jealous. Not jealous that Derek had been married to her for years and had shared a life, for that she had heard too many rants from Derek. She was jealous because Addison was able to do her job while she was pretending to be an intern. Meredith wasn't able to claim her stakes at the hospital because of a series of unfortunate events. She wasn't able to let her true colors shine.

As luck would have had it Meredith had been assigned to work with Addison for a day. The redhead had requested an intern and since Meredith's job had been to jump in whenever they needed an extra pair of hands she had been put on her service.

Meredith wasn't a squeamish person. Guts and blood had never bothered her. She had been called to horrific accidents with road-side amputations without being majorly fazed by it. However, there was one medical specialty that had her running for the hills. Obstetrics and gynecology freaked her out ever since her med school rotation. It had been her very first clinical rotation, she had just turned seventeen and she had been thrown into a complicated messy delivery without any preparation. What she had witnessed that day had scarred her for life. She had been too young to understand the importance of this specialty or the beauty of the miracle of life.

As an anesthesiologist, she regularly had placed epidurals into laboring moms or had accompanied c-sections in the OR without any problem. She had witnessed amazing births from a safe distance. She had attended all sorts of gynecological surgeries for the anesthesiology department. As a pediatric neurosurgeon, she had performed and witnessed several fetal surgeries without being bothered that her patient was still in the womb. Every year she had visited her gynecologist for the annual checkup. She had thought that she had gotten over her reservations after many many years of being exposed to this field of medicine. Only one day working with Addison had shown her that her issues still existed.

Meredith had been severely jet-lagged when she had been put on her service. It had been her third day back in Seattle. After two days of doing nothing but admin work, Meredith had been prepared to count the syringes or IV-needles in the supply closet. That they actually had needed her had come to a pleasant surprise – who had needed her had been an even bigger less pleasant surprise.

Addison was great at her job. She took the time to listen to her patients, answer their questions, and reassure them when needed. She was as great in real life as she read on paper. She even took the time to teach Meredith a thing or two, who would have appreciated the attention an attending gave an intern if she wouldn't have been too preoccupied with her preexisting reservations. For the first time since starting at Seattle Grace, Meredith had been truly out of her comfort zone. She had made an impression and she guessed it wasn't a good one. That day she had lived up to her status as an intern. It had sucked.

Work sucked – a lot. When Meredith had left for Munich to temporarily jump in as department head and to finish her residencies she had never thought that returning would be this tough. She had mentally prepared to miss her friends, her job, and her home. The first shock of suddenly uprooting her life had eased, she had come to terms with her mother's diagnosis and condition, she had said a proper goodbye to her Munich life. She had expected repercussions from her bosses and peers. She had prepared for the back-lash and the inevitable comments, to work nights, and to be worked into the ground. Meredith had thought she had been ready.

She had underestimated how big of a career leap she had made in those six weeks. Her career had been scaled up, she had been given a great responsibility. She had managed budgets and schedules and had been a leader and a teacher. She had retaught herself to be confident, assertive, and to stand out. She had made history. In six weeks, she had optimized the department, had improved working conditions, and had increased the capacity to take on more patients. She had worked herself into the ground and she had enjoyed it. She was ready to continue her journey.

In Seattle, her career had been turned down to a slow simmer. Falling back into the role of an intern was near to impossible. Being treated like a clueless med student was disrespectful.

At first, she had tried to endure the treatment – after all, there had been the progress exam to look forward to. She had been promised that if she passed she would be treated like any other intern. The exam came and went. It had been a fair and feasible test.

The day the test results were sent out through email had been an exciting day. Ever since the day of the exam nervous energy had been present among the interns which had finally caved when the email had arrived in their inboxes. Everyone single intern had been sent their results. Some hadn't been satisfied with their result, others had been openly bragging, while others had been just glad to pass. And then there had been Meredith, instead of getting a message about a result she had been sent a passive-aggressive note asking her to a meeting.

* * *

_Meredith stepped into the conference room she had been asked to. While her colleagues enjoyed the scheduled lunch break from their trauma certification training, Meredith had to sort out why she had never gotten her test results back. The trauma certification was a welcome change to Meredith's day to day work life. While some of her intern colleagues hated the mandated course, Meredith enjoyed the training. Again she had a major advantage. She had not only experience working in the ED, caring for critically ill patients, she also had experienced being called into patients' homes, assessing their condition in situations of various degrees of seriousness. There wasn't anything revolutionary that the ER and trauma surgery resident told them. The emergency medicine resident taught them the basics of emergency medicine, the ins, and outs of triage, while the trauma surgeon highlighted the importance of rapid surgical intervention._

_Hospital policy dictated that all surgical residents were trauma certified. It involved hands-on training, lectures, and a ride-along with one of the EMT teams. They learned how to intubate a patient under pressure, insert lines, assess injuries, and which medication to give in which situations. The goal was that by the end of it every one of them would be certified. Failing was not an option and near to impossible._

_With the certification, Meredith would be allowed to take shifts in the ED and trauma calls. For her, the certification was another step in the direction of professional independence. No one would be able to take away the certification once she got it. The email that she had found in her inbox this morning had damped her mood considerably._

_The conference room was deserted. No one was there yet. She was early for the meeting to which she came with no expectations. All conference rooms pretty much looked identical. The style of furniture was the same as the one in Huston, the layout was the same as in Munich. There was always a table in the middle of the room with chairs around it. There was always a blank wall or a screen for presentations. There was always the side table for refreshers and there was always an abundance of different cables laying around as well as a remote to operate the projector. This one had a window front to bring in some natural light. The world outside was gloomy. It was pouring as it had for the past week._

_Meredith sat down on the door facing side of the oval table. She hated having a door in her back. She liked to know when someone would walk in rather being surprised. She checked her watch. There still was time. She opened the text editing program on her tablet to go over Derek's notes on her habilitation paper, which was coming along faster than she had ever expected. She had caved and had allowed Derek to read it. She appreciated his interest. He was the only one in Seattle who knew what she was writing. A big advantage was that he had an understanding of her field of study. He was the one she could talk to – besides her supervisor who was five timezones ahead of her._

_Derek could only provide chapter by chapter commentary – he was lacking the time to go through the entire paper in one sitting. Meredith read through the comments, rolling her eyes. Her boyfriend sucked as a proofreader – regularly he got caught up in her research and would add lengthy comments about a paragraph challenging her rather than checking for any errors. He knew that it riled her up and he also knew that tonight he would get more inside – not without a discussion. And Meredith knew that while she would defend her research - pacing around the kitchen or the living room, gesturing with her hands - he would watch her with a stupid huge grin on his face. Until she would realize that he had done it again. Then she would accuse him of doing it again – until he would provide his real edits as a small peace offering._

_Outside she heard voices approaching. There were more voices than she had expected. Dr. Bailey entered, followed by Dr. Webber and Dr. Rosenthal – the residency program director, and three other people she couldn't place. Meredith thought one of them might have been a proctor during her exam. Their demeanor was serious - Bailey glared at her as per usual._

_"Meredith, good you are here. Let's get this started," Dr. Webber greeted her, his facial expressions unusually cool. Meredith began to feel that she was in trouble and she had no idea why. They sat down on the opposite side of her._

_"Hello, Dr. Grey," Dr. Rosenthal put a stack of paper on the table._

_"Hello," she replied getting more and more unsure of what was happening._

_"Well, Dr. Grey as you know you missed quite a considerable amount of time of your early practical education. Until this day you haven't provided a conclusive explanation as to why you needed a six-week leave of absence," Dr. Rosenthal began. He had a big gray mustache that moved when he spoke._

_"Is this what the meeting is about?" Meredith asked, still confused, "Because I already talked about this with Dr. Webber when I returned. I don't understand why …"_

_"Not entirely. I'm aware of your meeting with Chief Webber. During that meeting, he laid out the facts and our expectations. You had also discussed that we - Dr. Webber, Dr. Bailey, and I - would decide about your future at Seattle Grace after the progress assessment. We are here to discuss this further. Dr. Grey your exam results are … how should I put this concerning even suspicious," Dr. Rosenthal explained._

_"I can't comment on my exam results. I never got them, instead, I was asked to meet with you here," Meredith was confused, she felt cornered._

_Dr. Rosenthal pushed a paper packet towards her. Meredith picked up her exam sheet flipping through the pages. There was neither something concerning nor suspicious about it. She had passed – as she had expected. She looked up and saw everyone's eyes were on her, waiting for a reaction._

_"You exceeded our expectations," Dr. Webber told her._

_"You say it like it's a bad thing," Meredith retorted, she was beginning to see where this was going._

_"It's not a bad thing. It's just a little suspicious," Dr. Rosenthal commented._

_Meredith looked around the room. Still, everyone was looking at her. Dr. Bailey was still glaring at her, she hadn't said anything yet. Meredith assumed that she was instructed to not say anything for the first part of the conversation._

_"What are you insinuating? Did I do anything wrong?" Meredith asked._

_"I don't know? Did you?" Dr. Bailey broke her silence._

_"Dr. Bailey," Dr. Webber warned._

_"Not that I'm aware of. But you clearly think that I did something wrong or you wouldn't have pulled six people from their jobs to tell me my exam results. If you now could fill me in what the accusation is I would appreciate it."_

_"Dr. Grey, where did you get the answers to the exam? Who gave you the answers and the tasks of the exam beforehand?" Dr. Rosenthal straight out asked Meredith._

_"What?!" she exclaimed surprised. "No one gave me any answers, I didn't steal them. I'm not a cheater. I studied."_

_"Studying doesn't explain why your practical exam score was exceptionally high when your record shows underwhelming rotation reports," Dr. Rosenthal flipped through her record, "Dr. Bailey wrote that you were unmotivated, preoccupied and sluggish. Dr. Burke commented on your reluctance to enter any OR. Dr. Lennox wrote that during his skill labs you were distracted, uninterested and your work was lacking concentration. Dr. Shepherd praised your bedside manner and your forward-thinking. But then he critiqued your lacking respect for authority and your sudden disappearance from his service. You never made it on Dr. Brown's service, so he had nothing to comment on. Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd, however, found it interesting that a surgical intern was so squeamish when it came to c-sections. All those statements make it hard to believe that you would archive the highest score in the practical exam by yourself. That your suturing was flawless and that your craniotomy was the cleanest we have ever seen from an intern?"_

_"So, you think I snuck a prepared skull into the exam in order to swap it out with the one provided? A skull prepared for the exact craniotomy I was supposed to perform? You rather believe that I put in the effort to find and pay a neurosurgeon to perform a craniotomy on a skull model, rather than giving me the benefit of the doubt. I don't know how I would have benefitted if I had done what you accuse," Meredith shook her head. "This is ridiculous."_

_"The benefits are not visible to you? Are you really that naïve?" Dr. Bailey asked challenging._

_Meredith took in a deep breath, trying to calm herself down. She noticed how the other three meeting members observed her put kept quiet. _

_"Meredith, we don't have evidence for any misconduct. Look at it from our perspective. We have an intern who missed six weeks of her practical training at our facility, being exceptionally great at a test. We have no record of you ever doing any of those skills. We only have a record that points out your mediocracy. We don't even have a full med school transcript. So please excuse us if we find this development suspicious. It was a progress assessment and not a career deciding exam by the board. We want to make sure that you have not fallen behind and if that we can help you reach the met target. Buying exam answers would only harm yourself. Fear of losing your spot in the program shouldn't encourage you to do something stupid and illegal. Should we find out that you have cheated this could be a reason for you to lose your job," Dr. Webber tried to reason with her._

_Meredith stared at them speechless for a minute before she mumbled: "Ich glaube ich bin im falschen Film gelandet," she shook her head, "I'm offended that you think that I needed to cheat to pass the exam. I'm offended that you saw my work and came to the conclusion that I must not have done it – that someone must have slipped me the answers. I'm offended that you think that I'm incapable of studying and doing my own work. I'm concerned for this program if this is the reaction when someone exceeds a set of expectations," Meredith stated harshly, "In the end, I know that it is your accusation against my word. But let's face it: You don't have any evidence or you wouldn't be sitting here trying to get me to confess to something I didn't do. I took an authorized unpaid leave of absence that is haunting me ever since I came back. You approved my leave and you gave me conditions for my return, I agreed to those conditions. For the last week, I did scut work, I sat at a desk for hours, while my colleagues had time to practice for an arbitrary exam. I didn't complain, I did what I was asked to do because it was part of the deal. I held up my part. I expect you to hold up your part. I passed the exam and just because I 'exceeded your expectations' I'm suddenly a cheater? You can retest me, I'll answer your questions right now. I'll go to the skill lab and do whatever you want me to do. You can observe me, you can invite everyone if you need more eyes. But I will not apologize for my results, and I will not sit here and let you accuse and belittle me," Meredith looked them straight in the eyes._

* * *

Following that meeting, Meredith had volunteered to work in the ED for as long as they needed her. With the change in weather, the department saw an increase in viral and bacterial infections. People also seemed to be more prone to motor vehicle accidents, and the approaching holidays seemed to stress the population. The ER was mayhem. Meredith wasn't used to patients coming into the hospital because of a common cold or strep throat.

In Germany, most people went to their family doctor for common illnesses. Their job was to relieve the hospitals and emergency departments so that they could concentrate on real emergencies. There had been an increase in ER visits compared to previous years and hospitals and policymakers were alarmed about the development. Nothing she had ever seen in Munich compared to what Meredith was experiencing now. Given she hadn't been an ER physician and she had never spent much time in the department but Meredith had seen the waiting rooms and had heard her colleagues complain.

At the end of their trauma certification, the ER-resident had invited them to help in the ED when they needed a change of pace. Every year they would extend the invitation to the surgical interns. Every year they would politely decline and go back to their floor only sweeping in when a surgical case came through their doors. This year they were surprised to immediately have a volunteer.

Over the last two and a half weeks Meredith had attended to patients from all walks of life. Luck had been on her side when the ED team had soon noticed that she was capable of much more than a typical intern. They hadn't questioned her about it, they appreciated that they had another pair of capable hands to deal with the steady flow of patients. The team was amazing. No one breathed down her neck, watching her every move. The attendings were approachable when she needed something, the senior residents were attentive to the interns' needs. Meredith loved the incredible nursing staff. The EMTs were funny and liked to stay for a short chat when they dropped someone of. It was hard work but it lacked the intellectual aspect that neurosurgery provided. She was unchallenged. However, she was practicing medicine so she had nothing to complain about.

The situation concerning her surgical internship hadn't resolved. They had decided against retesting her and had instead enforced a longer probation period in which she would be observed more closely. When she had heard that, Meredith had wanted nothing more than to through her academic titles at them, to yell at them that they should google her and to demand to be treated differently. With a lot of self-control, she had restrained herself. She had decided to distance herself from the surgical department for her sanity. Dr. Bailey was still her direct supervisor but she had found a way to do some good out of her situation and not sink in the depressing hole of self-pity. One day in the near future she would be able to let her true colors shine – of that she was sure.

Technically she was allowed to practice as a visiting international physician and bill through her German association. She had obtained her general American medical license and a specific license for the state of Washington. As much as she desired to be in an OR again - operating doing what she did best, she wanted to have a job. An attending position at an academic institution in the city. Meredith didn't need a short term solution she needed long term so that she could start living her life again and leave this limbo of uncertainty. No one would hire her without the paperwork, as a matter of fact, no one could hire her. She needed to wait. And she did – not patiently. She called every day asking for an update on her case. She would write emails and send in requests through her lawyer. The response was never satisfactory. Not knowing and not being able to move forward added to her general state of unrest.

Her mother contributed as well. She was in a world of her own. Meredith would visit her whenever her schedule allowed it. She would sit with her and listen to her stories. One day Meredith would be a friend from med school, on another day she would be a colleague in Boston, then she would be their old cleaning lady. Ellis would pour out her heart, would tell Meredith her worries and secrets. But she would never tell her daughter because she was never who she was. Meredith was always someone else. From time to time Ellis would get that look in her eyes that made Meredith's blood freeze. Her eyes would scream 'what is happening? Please help me' and then she went right back to complaining about some person that she hadn't complained about in years.

Meredith tried to not let it get to her but she never succeeded. At night when Derek was at work or asleep, she would lay awake thinking through the information that had been revealed to her. She hurt and was so helpless. All the science and her high IQ couldn't prevent her to feel those emotions or change anything about the situation.

Yesterday had been particularly hard. Yesterday she had officially stripped her mother of all her remaining rights. She was now Meredith's responsibility. Every medical and financial decision was hers. She managed her estate and her intellectual property. The hardest part was that Meredith didn't even know what her mother would have wanted. Would she have wanted extraordinary measures to keep her alive, would she agree to a feeding tube in case she would stop eating, would she be willing to participate in research trails? They had never had a conversation about her wishes. For someone who faced so much death in her job, Ellis wasn't prepared. She had ensured that she had a place in a nursing home and that no one was allowed to find about her diagnosis but after that, she had stopped caring. Instead, her 27-year-old daughter was put in place to make these decisions for her. The pressure of potentially making the wrong decisions was significantly adding to her anxiety.

The only thing that was a silver lining was her relationship with Derek. It was on the riskier side that Derek was sleeping in her bed down the hall from both of her roommates. Who under no circumstances were allowed to know who slept in her bed. Both Meredith and Derek had contemplated the options, had weighed the pros and cons before making a decision. They had spent a couple of nights at the trailer – Meredith adored the property and could see a certain appeal of living there. But the trailer was cold, very cold, and recently one of the skylights had started leaking water. With ever dropping temperatures and days of heavy rain the trailer became more and more unlivable. The environment was moist so that towels and clothes never dried completely. Even Derek began to see the flaws of habituating a remodeled vintage airstream during the winter months. The land was beautiful, covered in greenery and secluded. The long dirt road to the trailer was so muddy that only Derek's SUV with four-wheel drive could master the drive.

The rural location of the property was a major drawback. There was nothing close by, neither a grocery store nor a restaurant. The commute to the hospital was long and depended on the ferry schedule. As the department head, Derek's hours were far more flexible than Meredith's. He could schedule his own surgeries and decided when he would be on call. During the summer months, he had stayed in one of the on-call rooms at the hospital whenever he had been on overnight call. It was the only way for him to meet the required time to be at the hospital in case of an emergency. Then the benefits of the secluded property had greatly outweighed the disadvantages. In the beginning, he had needed the complete contrast to the busy New York City life but he began to miss the comforts of urban living.

Meredith had only so many hours a week to herself. She couldn't afford to lose hours stuck in rush hour traffic or waiting for the ferry to disembark. It wasn't like she needed a place to stay. She owned a home, she had plenty of space. She enjoyed living in the city, it gave her a sense of normalcy. She loved being able to walk to a store or visit the park without moving her car. The house wasn't as bad as she initially thought, it had a lot of potential to be a beautiful modern home. It just needed a lot of love and work to reach it. The neighborhood was a really nice neighborhood and her neighbors weren't bad either. They were friendly and conversational but not overly invested in each other's business.

Her roommates were the only problem why being at the house together with Derek offered some problems. Their relationship was a well-kept secret and both wanted it to stay this way. However, their relationship was still young. They had started dating, and immediately after Derek had to return to the states while Meredith had stayed in Munich. They had talked almost daily getting to know each other but neither had particularly enjoyed dating through FaceTime. It had been a necessity brought on by the circumstances. Now that both shared the same zip code, they wanted to spend as much time together as possible. However, Meredith's time away from the hospital was extremely limited. They had decided that whatever time was available to them they would want to be together.

Whenever Izzie and George were home, the couple was out and about. They spent their together-time exploring Seattle's cultural and culinary scene only to sneak past her housemates when they returned. Whenever they had the house to themselves, they stayed in: cooked, streamed content, read books, worked, or just spent time together. Whenever Meredith was on call Derek returned to the trailer.

Things between them were going great. Together they were at a very good place. They laughed a lot and were genuinely happy when together. They shared serious conversations about all sorts of topics. They continued to call each other out on their bullshit and support each other through whatever came their way. Both struggled outside of their relationship but kept each other afloat during this trying time.

* * *

Two miles ago it had started pouring again. Meredith was drenched but felt good. She entered the house through the garage which directly connected to the laundry room. She was the only one that had access to the two-car garage. George and Izzie needed to find parking out on the street. At first, she had used it for additional storage space. Gradually sorting through the old furniture and the junk she had cleared enough space that Derek's shiny SUV had now room to park there as well. That way they didn't need to worry that someone might connect some dots. She left her soaked running shoes in the garage to dry. In the laundry room, she stripped out of her wet clothes and put them straight into the washer. She pulled a clean pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt out of her laundry basket.

In the kitchen, she turned on the kettle. While waiting for the water to boil she put some loose tea leaves into a teabag. Anna's husband was a tea snob. He had hocked her on his tea culture when her taste buds hadn't yet developed a liking for black coffee – or any coffee for that matter. It had become a routine, she bought loose tea in big packets and drank it every morning no matter if at home or in the hospital.

Then she switched on the coffee maker – Derek needed his morning coffee without it he wasn't a functioning human being. Upstairs she heard her roommates getting ready for work they would need some coffee as well. It was six-thirty on a Saturday morning. As an intern, there was no such thing as a weekend. She watched the black liquid slowly dripping into the coffee pot.

"Morning," George entered the kitchen and let himself fall on the closet chair.

"Morning George. Coffee is almost ready," she smiled.

"Thank you. I really need coffee. I think I'll never get used to the early hours and to no weekends," George groaned, resting his head in his hands.

"It's not that early."

"It is!" he protested "Why are you up?"

"Couldn't sleep anymore," Meredith shrugged, she poured the hot water over the teabag.

"You got up voluntarily?" George asked still very grumpy.

"If you call insomnia voluntarily than yes," Meredith stated sarcastically. Pouring him a cup of coffee and set it in front of him. "You shouldn't be this dependent on caffeine to be a pleasant human being."

"Thank you, mom," He took a big sip.

"No problem, Son. Now get your ironed scrubs and don't forget your packed lunch. I hope PB&J is okay," Meredith joked.

"Not PB&J again!" George protested, joined into her laughter.

"What's going on here?" Izzie asked when she entered the kitchen.

"Nothing important, Izzie," George chuckled.

"Okay, don't tell me then," she threw her long blonde hair back. "Keep having your secrets."

"It was a dumb joke, Izzie. You know, situational comedy," George rolled his eyes. He was Izzie's best friend out of the group but even he thought that her reactions were a little dramatic from time to time.

"Whatever you say. Now that I have you both here, I wanted to talk about Thanksgiving."

"What about Thanksgiving?"

"It's this Thursday and I thought we could invite Cristina and Alex and some of the others. We could have a Friendsgiving. You know since we can't make it home this year," Izzie explained with excited eyes. "I'll cook and bake. You could invite your boyfriend if you want."

"I'm working on Thursday. I'm sorry," Meredith apologized. That Thursday was Thanksgiving had never occurred to her. She couldn't remember the last time she had celebrated this holiday or if she ever celebrated it. "You can invite people if you want. Just don't let it escalate like last time." She took out her teabag, squeezed some lemon in her cup, and poured a cup of coffee for Derek. Meredith picked up the cups off the counter making her way to the door.

"You're working? Can't you make it to dinner? It's our first Thanksgiving together. Please," Izzie looked at her with puppy eyes. It was her way of manipulating people into doing what she wanted.

"I'm sorry, Izzie." Meredith exited the kitchen, hearing the rest of the conversation while she walked to the stairs.

"What about you, George?"

"You know my family is in Seattle, right? But I can make it to dinner. We always eat Thanksgiving lunch anyways."

Meredith could hear them discussing the menu when she walked up the stairs. The room was still dark when she carefully entered. Derek opened his eyes when she placed the cup of coffee on his bedside table. "Hey, what time is it?"

"Quarter to seven," Meredith replied, sitting down on the corner of the bed warming her hands on her mug.

"When did you get up? You were gone for a while." Derek propped himself up against the headboard.

"Half-past four or sometime around that. I couldn't sleep anymore," she shrugged. "I didn't want to wake you."

"You didn't. Your hair is wet," he observed.

"I went on a run."

"Course you did," Derek rolled his eyes.

"Hey!" she playfully nudged him with her elbow.

"I don't understand the appeal of running in the middle of the night in the wet windy cold."

"I'm not judging you when you get up at four in the morning to stand in an ice-cold river for hours to catch a fish. I improve my cardiovascular and mental health and bring you coffee afterward. So no complaining."

"I'm not complaining," Derek protested. He freed the tea mug out of her grip, setting it next to his on the bedside table. Then he wrapped his arms around her chest and pulled her back into bed, so she was laying next to him. He hugged her closer to his chest.

"What are you doing, Derek? I need a shower," Meredith giggled.

"Shower can wait. You're staying here. It's way too early to get up. You don't have to work until four. We're having a slow Saturday morning," he buried his nose in her neck, and whispered in her ear: "Thank you for the coffee."

* * *

"I spent the last eleven years in Munich. They didn't celebrate an American holiday. However, if you want to know anything about the catholic church calendar, ask away. Besides I never had a traditional Thanksgiving dinner with the Turkey and whatever else you have in my life." Meredith folded her napkin in half and placed it on the empty plate. They sat shoulder to shoulder at their table in their coffee shop enjoying a late breakfast. By now they were regulars in this establishment. Whenever they came they were happily greeted by the young staff. It was their place in Seattle. Joe's was quite a popular location with the Seattle Grace staff. Occasionally they went there for after-work drinks but never together. The hotel where they had spent the first night together seemed a little weird as a regular spot.

"What does the catholic church calendar has to do with any of that?" Derek asked.

"Bavaria is very catholic. There are thirteen Bavarian public holidays in total, ten of which are based on a religious event. Inevitably you get a feel for when what is even without trying. Not that it would matter for someone who has to work regardless of a national holiday."

"Thirteen national holidays?"

"Don't forget the minimum of 24 days of paid vacation a year, affordable health care, and free higher education. Die spinnen die Römer," Meredith added sarcastically.

"What has Rome to do with this?"

"Nothing," Meredith tried to simplify the conversation.

"Nothing?" he raised his eyebrows.

She sighed: "It's a quote from this famous comic book series about a Gaulish village resisting against the Roman Empire. One of the protagonist's catchphrase is: 'Die spinnen die Römer' or 'These Romans are crazy'. Every time something happens that seems outlandish to the character he uses this phrase. The real brilliant part is that it's actually a parody of a real Julius Caesar quote. He famously called the Gauls style of fighting crazy during his conquest of their region. In Italian, the quote translates to 'sono pazzi questi romani' which has the same acronym as 'senatus populusque romanus' which used to be the emblem of the roman empire and is the motto of Rome till this day," out of the corner of her eye she saw Derek's expression, "You asked."

"How do you know this stuff?"

"I just do. If you want we can continue the conversation about Julius Caesar and how he ultimately got himself killed by declaring himself the dictator of the Roman Empire or we could return to our original topic."

"What was the topic?" Derek asked, his hand resting on her thigh.

"Thanksgiving. Derek keep up. I'm working on Thursday. I don't have an emotional attachment to Thanksgiving or the food. Izzie wants to do a Friendsgiving and I really don't want to participate in any way. I assume you won't fly to New York for this family gathering since you still ignore your sisters' calls and have a big case scheduled for Friday," Meredith carefully watched him as she said the last part.

"My mom wanted me to come – no, she begged me. This year she's hosting and I would be the only one missing of her children. I told her I had to work," Derek said guiltily.

"You lied to your mom? Derek Shepherd, I'm disappointed," Meredith fake gasped.

"No, no I am working. It's just that I volunteered after I already told her that I would be working. I just can't deal with a family get-together this year."

"That's fine. No need to apologize. I'm going to skip the whole family nursing home Thanksgiving shenanigans as well."

"Family nursing home Thanksgiving shenanigans?" Derek looked confused.

"After we signed the papers yesterday one of the staff members handed me a construction paper turkey. You know the ones a kindergartener would bring home? It was an invitation for their Thanksgiving event. To be honest it sounds horrible. I'm sure that it comes from the right place in their hearts but I really can't deal with this right now. We don't do this kind of stuff," she sighed loudly, "Communicating our relationship to the staff is the hardest part. They judge me when I don't attend family bingo night or can't make it to afternoon tea. All they see is my poor mother and her deteriorating health status. I'm glad that they care about her and that they are doing their jobs. But they don't need to pull me down in the process. I'm not some ungrateful, entitled, spoiled daughter who hasn't grasped the grim diagnosis yet. I'm very aware of what's going to happen in the coming months and years. I'm aware of the decisions I will have to make at some point. I'm aware of my responsibility. I hate that they try to guilt-trip me just because I'm young. But I will not let my life be dictated by my mom or by some staff at a nursing home. I'm not falling back into the daughter-role and let my needs be an afterthought. I need to think about me and how I get my life back in order," Meredith ranted. Derek sensed her anxiety about this topic. He had seen her come back from a visit with her mom, he had sat next to her watching a movie while she was all quiet. He had observed her fidgeting hands when she came back from the nursing home. Derek knew that it was harder for her than she let on – like she knew that the Addison situation was harder for him than he let on. Derek wrapped his arm around her shoulder, gently pulling her closer into his side. She rested her head against his shoulder. His fingers ran up and down her arm. "I don't want to think about it anymore. The thing is, when Izzie hijacks the house on Thursday and invites people over for dinner, we can't sneak past them like we usually do. What are we going to do?"

"I know you hate the trailer …"

"I don't hate the trailer," Meredith interrupted him, pulling away from his embrace, "I already told you this. I don't mind the trailer. I think the land is gorgeous and I think it's perfect for the summer. I just don't enjoy freezing to death while I sleep in a damp bed. Don't pretend it's because of me that you don't sleep at the trailer anymore – I see you very much enjoying my very warm and very dry bed. Or take advantage of my water heater and my bathtub."

"I guess the trailer is out of the discussion then," he faked hurt, "I'll think of something. When do you leave tomorrow?"

"Early. I think my flight leaves at six or something. I don't have any luggage and I have Precheck. I pretty much can just walk straight to my gate."

"And then you'll be back on Monday?"

"Yes, should be late. But I honestly have no idea, I can look it up if you want."

"No, it's not that important. On Monday is the surgery?"

"Yes. And tomorrow I'll meet the parents and the patient in person. Get the newest set of scans and measurements, then I'll meet with the team and go over the surgery plan. I know at some point there was talk about a lecture but I don't know if this is still happening because it's Sunday. If everything looks according to the plan then I'll operate on Monday bright and early," Meredith explained. She would be flying to Richmond tomorrow to operate on a complicated pineoblastoma in a five-year-old.

"Do you expect change?" Derek wanted to know genuinely interested.

"Mhm – yes. But not atypical change. As in every cancer tumor surgery, the goal is to get as much out as possible. You know that you can't predict bleeders or the outcome. I'll have to prepare for all eventualities. It's going to be a long day."

"You can be sure of that. Do you feel ready?"

"Yes. I would have preferred to had some OR time in the last three weeks and would have wished that my general situation would have been better before I tackle such a tumor. But I need it. With the new approach, I can get very good margins – I've seen that. It's just weird to just swoop in and out. I'm not used to that and I don't think I'll like it. But for now, I have to make it work," Meredith's eyes sparkled when she told Derek about the surgery. He hadn't seen this kind of sparkle in her eyes since she returned to Seattle. It made her even prettier than she already was.

"You'll do great, I'm sure."

"You still haven't seen me operate – you don't know. It could be all talk and no walk, you don't know," Meredith teased.

Derek laughed out loud. "I'm sure it is. You're just the world's best con artist."

"Exactly," Meredith laughed.

"Come on let's get out of here. We have the whole house to ourselves. You can do my laundry out in the open," Derek put on his jacket and stood up holding out his hand for her. She slipped on her heavy coat and grabbed it. He pulled her out of her seat.

"In your dreams, Derek. In your dreams. You can do your own laundry. I let you use my washer and if you ask really nicely I throw in the dryer use for free."

"Come on!"

"No way, you're a big boy," she laughed. Holding hands they walked to the door, too engaged in their conversation to notice the redhead sitting at a table close to the exit. She was holding on to a cup of tea, her eyes big as she watched her still-husband exit the coffee shop with the blonde intern. She hadn't seen him this happy and relaxed in years and was asking herself what the hell he saw in the blonde.

* * *

6/13/20

It's been a while since the last chapter. Life keeps me pretty busy and all of a sudden it's four weeks later. I hope you are all happy and healthy during this weird time. Once again I'm blown away by all your support for this story. I love reading your reviews and I can't honestly believe that you enjoy it as much as you do. Thank you! This chapter is a little shorter - I still hope it's satisfying and it distracts you of all the things going on right now. Let me know what you think. Have a great weekend!


	13. Chapter 13 - Emergency Department

It's time for a disclaimer: I own nothing, I'm just letting my creative juices flow. Enjoy!

* * *

**Turned Upside Down - Emergency Department**

Away surgeries were more stressful and exhausting than Meredith had anticipated. It had been rewarding to be back in the OR, to have professional conversations on the same level, and to actually teach again. Richmond had done an amazing job to accommodate her needs to make the experience a complete success. The team couldn't have been more amazing and motivated to learn from her.

After some initial reservations to contact Richmond she had emailed the team her surgical approach suggestion. Complicated pediatric brain tumors were one of her specialties. In the last year of her training, she had concentrated on mapping those tumors and had worked on new minimally invasive techniques to resect them and reduce the overall surgery time. She had stumbled upon the case in the community and after some contemplations, she had decided that there was nothing to lose. So she had contacted the Richmond team. Meredith had actively picked the case and had offered her help.

It had been the first time that she had actively offered her services and expertise to another hospital. In Munich, they were the pediatric neurosurgery center for pediatric brain tumors in Southern Germany and West Austria. Patients were referred to them from all around. The department had been overworked and near capacity. Every few weeks during their tumor board meetings they would have to make the hard decision which patients they were able to take on and which ones needed to find a different hospital. There had been no capacity to look for cases or to fly across the country to operate.

During this surgery, she had experienced many firsts. It had been her first surgery as the lead surgeon on American soil. It had been her first surgery operating under her American medical license as a fully accredited German surgeon. It had been her first away surgery. It had been her first surgery after which she had left the patient in the capable hands of the local staff. It had been the first time that she had taught a group of American med students, residents, and attendings.

Meredith had demonstrated a great deal of professionalism and flexibility during this experiment. The environment had been completely different, she had to adjust to a surgical team she had never worked with before. The bureaucracy that had followed the surgery had tripled compared to the usual amount of paperwork. It had taken three professionals to figure out which forms to fill out and submit. It had been exhausting but incredibly rewarding to have a positive result. The six-hour surgery had been a complete success, she had been able to resect more of the tumor than she had thought was possible. The patient was doing incredibly well considering the circumstances.

Distracted by her phone Meredith pushed the button to call the elevator. She had finally found parking on the first level of Seattle Grace's underground staff car park.

She was back in Seattle. Earlier this morning she had come home, had slept for three hours before she had pulled herself out of bed to go to work. She had no idea where she would be working today. Yesterday she had gotten an email telling her that she wouldn't be allowed to hide in the ER for longer. She was sick and tired of this game and not willing to participate any longer.

When she heard the familiar elevator ding she stepped into the waiting car – still distracted by the second set of post-op scans from yesterday's surgery. It was too small to see any details but the initial scan looked very promising.

"Good morning Dr. Grey. Which button should I press for you or are you just along for the ride?" a familiar voice asked her.

"Hey," she smiled brightly when she noticed him leaning against the elevator railing. It was pathetic but she had missed him. They were alone. "It depends on where you're going Dr. Shepherd."

"Oh, I'm going to the fifth floor."

"I guess, I'm along for the ride then," she smirked, moving to lean next to him. Their arms touching through their warm coats. "You look nice today." He looked smart, dressed in a suit with matching shoes and a matching belt. The last time she had seen him like this was in Munich. Seattle Derek was more of a casual guy. She had a thing for dressed-up, all business Derek.

"Perfect," Derek smiled, his smile reached his eyes. She had noticed that his smile reached his eyes only on occasion, with her it always did. "Thank you, we have a department head meeting today. How was your Monday?" he asked.

"Quite successful," Meredith gave him a brief rundown. She handed him her phone so he could see for himself. She only ever showed him the scans. He only ever let her see his pre- or post-op scans. He took her smartphone and handed her a rolled-up magazine in exchange, "It's a little small, the tablet is still in the locker. What's this? Airstream monthly? Fishing weekly?" she teased while unrolling the magazine.

"It's the newest issue of NEJM. Bottom right corner," He told her while he studied her scans. Meredith checked the bottom right corner of the title page, to be surprised to read her name there.

"Wow, I thought they had decided against running it. This came out yesterday?"

"Yep," Derek confirmed grinning at her brightly. "It's four pages, plus a short introduction into the writer. Don't worry they didn't print a picture and they only used your first name initial."

Meredith grinned proudly: "This is cool."

"This is not just cool, it's huge. A neurosurgery feature in the NEJM is a big deal."

"I know but this is a real groundbreaking development in the personal department," she took her phone back, opened another email, and handed it back to him.

Derek scanned the email and broke out in a bright grin. "This is amazing, Mer. When did you get it? Why haven't you told me right when you saw me or called me? All this nonsense chit chat."

"First of all, this was not nonsense chit chat. I must have gotten the mail yesterday at some point and I just saw it this morning. You're the very first to know. Munich doesn't even know yet," The elevator came to a stop. It was the slowest elevator on the planet.

"Finally, things are beginning to look …" Their private bubble burst when the elevator doors opened on the first floor. Derek had stopped himself just in time and Meredith had reacted quickly and had moved away from him. He was still holding her phone while she held his copy of the NEJM. It was alarming how quickly they forgot that they were in a public space when they were together. Addison stepped on, she eyed them weirdly but said nothing.

The awkwardness was almost unbearable, the tension was cuttable with a knife. Derek slipped Meredith's phone into his pocket. Meredith started reading the medical journal not to distract herself from the situation.

The elevator stopped on the next floor and Richard joined the awkward party.

"Good morning Richard," Addison greeted him with a gorgeous smile, while Meredith and Derek both mumbled a "Morning".

"Good morning Addison … Derek … Meredith," the Chief greeted them individually, oblivious to the awkward situation he had stepped into.

Meredith was a fast reader who easily could tune out her surroundings when she emerged herself into a piece of interesting research. She turned page after page of the journal not noticing that she was being curiously eyed by the other elevator occupants. Richard shook his head and started a conversation with Addison and Derek.

Derek had experienced Meredith's reading speed but it still impressed him how her brain worked. While reading Meredith was very expressive, her facial impressions conveyed her thoughts. Whenever she wouldn't agree with a statement she would raise an eyebrow, or crinkle her nose. Whenever she read something intriguing she would furrow her brows and chew on her bottom lip.

On the fifth floor, the doors opened again. The three doctors exited the elevator in direction of their respected offices. Meredith followed, emerged into another article. She stopped by the scrub machine to pick up a fresh pair of light blue scrubs and made her way to the intern's locker room.

The intern locker room was the place for interns to decompress, get a quiet cup of coffee, or mourn. Every other staff member group had multiple designated places in the hospital to take a breather and sit down for a short break. The interns had a locker room. It was their designated sanctuary where they could voice their thoughts and feelings or rant to their friends. Meredith had never felt comfortable in this space. She felt like an intruder who was forced to witness private moments and hear things she was not supposed to hear.

Over the past months, friendships and alliances had been built among the interns. They were soldiers in the same battle. The battle to survive the intern year. They got each other's backs and stood up for each other. At the same time, the locker room was the breeding ground for rumors and the place with the most backstabbing and drama.

Meredith was an outsider. In the beginning, she had tried to fit in and play along, but she had soon realized that she was on a whole different path than them. She didn't experience the same firsts. She had coping mechanisms to deal with losing a patient or bad outcomes. She didn't worry about asking for the wrong instrument or not knowing the correct answer to a question. She didn't crack under the pressure or the responsibility. She had had much greater responsibility and had made much harder decisions before.

Meredith had only bonded with Cristina. They had connected over their shared interest in innovative medicine, over their jaded world view and their love for tequila. They had bonded as people and not as colleagues. George had always been nice to her and since she had helped him in the skills lab he had been extra nice. Alex tolerated her, he annoyed her and made stupid comments. As a teacher and a leader, she had developed a third sense for when people were compensating for something. Alex was for sure hiding something behind his tough exterior. Izzie was visibly annoyed with Meredith but couldn't decide if she should be her friend anyways. Her hot and cold attitude was giving Meredith whiplash.

Meredith was aware of the rumors that were floating around about her person. She was aware that people thought she was not the brightest, that they thought that she had failed the progress exam and that her mother had forced her into medicine. She was aware that her absence had been the topic of their internship so far and that there had been a giant betting pool.

The locker room was as busy as it was every morning. Meredith stopped in front of her locker to finish the last words of the NEJM article. With a sigh, she dropped her purse, the packet of fresh scrubs, and the journal on the bench to open her locker. She went through the motions to get ready for an unpredictable workday. Next to her, Cristina was recapping yesterday for her. Meredith was only listening halfheartedly – she loved Cristina but sometimes she talked too much about the medicine. Meredith clipped her pager to her waistband and stocked her white coat and scrubs pockets with the workday essentials. She was rummaging through her purse desperately trying to find her phone.

"What are you looking for?" Cristina asked, watching her friend now searching through her fall coat pockets.

"My phone. I know I had it earlier. But now I can't find it … There is no way it just disappeared," Meredith was frustrated. She needed her phone – especially today. She had promised the Richmond team that she would be reachable throughout the day. In her head, she retraced her steps. "Shit! Derek has it," she cursed.

"Derek?" Cristina asked looking at her skeptically. "Derek who?"

Meredith cringed that she had just let Derek's name slip and that Cristina had picked it up. She desperately tried to come up with a logical answer but came up blanc.

"Rounds! People we have rounds!" Dr. Bailey shouted into the locker room, motioning them to move faster, "I expect you to be on time. How many times do I need to repeat myself?"

Meredith checked her watch it was one minute before six, the time they were supposed to meet. She shrugged and let it pass. Meredith had been around her pregnant friends and had learned to just go with it.

As they followed their resident out on the surgical floor, Cristina whispered to Meredith: "Don't think I forgot about what you just said."

* * *

For the last hours, Meredith had been shadowing Dr. Bailey. Apparently, this was her new form of punishment. Bailey wasn't on the OR schedule today and had been assigned to the general surgery clinic. All morning Meredith had quietly sat on a chair in a clinic office, while Dr. Bailey saw her patients. Her task was to chart the visits while they happened. Instead of getting upset about being downgraded to a secretary, Meredith had taken the time to study her resident. She had never spent this much time with the woman that had so many doctors wrapped around her finger. Meredith had never understood the phenomenon Bailey. Why she - as a fourth-year resident – was able to walk around the hospital like she was the Chief of Surgery herself. Objectively Bailey was a smart, talented surgeon who had an exceptional connection with her patients. Her unquestioned confidence, her no-bullshit attitude, and her compassion for her patients were her most prominent character traits. For a fourth year, she was advanced, her technique was sophisticated and she was for sure an asset to the hospital. However, Bailey didn't earn her laurels while teaching.

Meredith had noticed that the doctors at Seattle Grace still used a very old school method of teaching in general. Her mother had once told her that residents needed to be shown their place, they needed to be scolded and yelled at. This statement had stayed with Meredith for many years of her education. She had never understood 'the eat your young' mentality. Meredith had encountered teachers that had practiced this method but had also been taught by many professors and mentors that had been very encouraging and had taken the time to answer questions and explain complex situations. Meredith herself had adopted the latter style of teaching. She personally had always profited more from this method and saw a lot of benefits in treating the younger generation with respect rather than scaring them to death.

Dr. Bailey was the former style of teaching coming alive. She rarely took the time to explain what was going on, she expected her interns come in over-prepared, to know every eventuality that could occur during a case. She would get annoyed if they would ask questions about procedures or needed help with anything. Whenever one of her interns made a mistake she automatically assumed it would reflect badly on her personally. Then there was the way she had handled Meredith's situation. Not once had she taken the time to talk to Meredith – not about her absence, nor had she inquired how Meredith was dealing with trying to keep up with the program. She had mentally put more pressure on the young woman, had openly voiced her disapproval, and made clear that she saw her as a waste of time. How Bailey treated Meredith was bordering on workplace harassment. Unfortunately, this treatment wasn't uncommon in the medical profession.

Meredith was having lunch in the cafeteria with Cristina and George. Clinic hours were finished for the day and she still had no idea where she would be working after lunch. Her phone was still in Derek's possession. She hadn't found the time to find him and have a non-suspicions hand-over. All-day she had received calls, emails, and texts on her smartwatch. She had recognized some phone numbers while others had been unknown to her. She hadn't been able to pick up any.

The cafeteria was busy. It was a big boring uninviting room with a window front and lots of tables. Patients and staff shared the dining hall. The food was mediocre at best and insanely expensive. Meredith tried to stay away from consuming this joke of sustenance but today she had joined her colleagues. It was nice eating lunch with friends again.

Both had covered the cardio clinic today. Cristina the cardio enthusiast was arguing with George over his lacking enthusiasm. Contrary to Cristina who was set on one specialty, George was still undecided where he would be heading after this internship. Not everyone was a Cristina who knew with certainty that cardiothoracic was it for her.

Meredith herself had started with a post-grad education in general surgery. Within the first months, she had developed a burning interest in neurosurgery. Two months into her general surgery program she had added her neurosurgery residency to her schedule and a year after that anesthesiology. She had continued with general surgery but had never quite enjoyed it as much as the other two. For her, it had always been her mother's specialty which provided a useful surgical basis knowledge but nothing beyond that.

"I'm just not sure if I like cardio," George sighed loudly, before biting into his sandwich.

"How can you not be sure if you like something nor not, Georgie?" Cristina asked.

"For the millionth time, my name is not Georgie, Tina, it's George," George pointedly looked at her, "I just don't know, okay? It's fine I guess but it's not that exciting."

"If you call me Tina one more time, you'll be very sorry." Cristina protested, throwing a french fry at him. Meredith watched the interaction between the two, shaking her head. She felt a vibration on her wrist notifying her of an incoming phone call. She checked her watch.

"Sorry guys I have to take this," she lifted her arm, "I'll be back."

"We will be here," George told Meredith. She exited the cafeteria to find a quiet semi-private place to take the call from Richmond. With no headphones on hand, she had to have the conversation out in the open.

Just outside the cafeteria, there was an atrium with a comfortable launch seating area, a big flat-screen TV, some greenery, and a fish tank. She had never understood why they had put it right in front of the cafeteria rather than incorporating it into the dining hall.

She stood to the side against a wall, taking the call. They had called her as the lead surgeon to take part in the update meeting. They discussed the patient's progress, the final pathology report, and the further plan of action. From time to time she would pitch in but she mostly listened with her watch by her ear.

Derek came up the stairs and walked towards the cafeteria. This could be her moment to get her phone back. But then she spotted Addison exiting the elevator.

"Derek!" she called, hurrying after him her heels clicking on the smooth floor. She was the only surgeon Meredith had met at Seattle Grey who only wore scrubs into the OR. Addison had a strong sense of fashion. She wore designer clothes and heels daily and seemed to have an abundance of clothes at her disposal.

"What, Addison?" Derek stopped and turned around. Meredith could tell that he was annoyed.

"An intern? Really, Derek? Really?" She asked him one hand on her hip the other wildly gesturing.

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about your intern. You know the tiny, blonde one," she accused him. Meredith cringed inwardly. Her call had ended and the conversation in front of her had her full attention.

"Who?" Derek looked at her confusedly. Sometimes Meredith admired his obliviousness. Ever since Munich, he had only seen her as the kickass physician who had intubated a patient in a moving vehicle while having blood dripping down her face. He would share pre-op scans with her and ask for advice on cases. She regularly had to remind him that she was hired as an intern.

"The intern you've been sleeping with. The one in the elevator today," Addison spat through her teeth.

"I don't think it's any of your business. I stopped being of your concern when you decided to sleep with Mark in our bed, lived with him for months, and are currently carrying his child," Derek bit back. Meredith flinched. Once again they were fighting out in the open, throwing private information at each other's heads. When Addison had confronted him they had been alone but now people were walking past them, curiously glancing at the duo.

"And you have made that more than clear the moment you served me with papers," Addison snapped. "But for the love of god Derek you're not seriously this stupid. I really hope I don't have to explain the optics to you. You're the chair of neurosurgery – she's an intern. If this goes south, you're the one endangering your career. Especially in this day and age. And for what? A little fun in your 'let's move across the country and start over midlife crisis'. You're a highly educated 35-year-old man with an incredible gift but right now you're being reckless. Think of the potential consequences. She's an intern and not the brightest of the bunch … What do you think will happen when Richard finds out, or HR or the board?"

Meredith wasn't surprised that at that moment she agreed with Addison. She had repeatedly told him the same thing from the moment she had found out that he was one of her bosses. She reminded him daily why they couldn't eat lunch together or take just one car.

The blonde surgeon felt obligated to put a stop to this conversation for all their privacy sakes. People had started to gather - the fighting couple oblivious. She wouldn't be surprised if Derek would expose her secret to the entire hospital in the next second just to defend her honor. Meredith watched Derek preparing for his rebuttal, while she called him through her watch. Annoyedly he fished his phone out of his pocket and picked up after he checked who called him.

"Can I call you back? I'm in the middle of something."

"I know. I'm here and so are other people. I'm all for you two figuring stuff out but I would prefer if you could not do it in front of the entire hospital. I think you two would agree with me here," she told him.

Derek looked around, spotted her, and noticed the people around them. "Thank you," he hung up, turned to Addison "I don't think this is neither the time nor place to discuss this," He then turned around walking back to the stairs leaving a perplex Addison standing there. The redhead raised her eyebrows, shook her head, and then continued walking to where she was heading initially.

Meredith exhaled loudly – she was shaken. Meredith had insisted that they be incredibly careful to keep their relationship private and hidden. They had carefully picked places around the city to eat and had always stayed an acceptable distance from the hospital. They rarely talked while at work, and if only when they were one hundred percent certain that they were alone. Meredith hadn't even seen his office, didn't even know where it was. They would always take two cars to and from work. None of his sisters knew that he was dating someone, only his mother knew that he had met someone. She had no clue how Addison could have found out about them. It kind of stressed her out more than she liked to admit.

Everything that Addison had told him were valid concerns that Meredith shared and then some. Just because Derek didn't, didn't make them any less real.

Izzie, Alex, and two other female interns that Meredith only knew through passing had joined their table when Meredith returned to the cafeteria. The discussion was in full swing and it didn't take long for Meredith to figure out what the topic was.

"Who do you think it is?" one of the interns asked.

"I have no idea but I bet she gets special treatment. Do you think she's the reason why his marriage is in scrambles?" Izzie thought out loud.

After that comment Meredith tuned out the conversation, concentrating back on her half-eaten sandwich. Cristina leaned over and whispered in Meredith's ear: "I thought you hated him. I thought he hated you. What happened? I'm confused."

"Munich happened," she replied quietly, staring at her plate.

"Oh … Oh. So he knows?" Realization set in for Cristina.

"He knows," Meredith confirmed. "It's a long story."

"That you're going to tell me."

"Sure," Meredith rolled her eyes, checking her pager that had just vibrated. "Duty calls."

* * *

Dr. Bailey had been impatiently waiting for her. She had been paged to the ER for an incoming trauma case. Meredith had been kicked out of the trauma room before the paramedics had started their handover. Bailey had argued that there were too many people in the room already and that she should be watching through the glass window instead. Her resident was really testing her patience today. Meredith stood outside the trauma room watching through the glass doors what was happening on the inside. She soon lost interest – it wasn't like she learned anything from watching what she already done on multiple occasions nor could she help. She made her way over to the nurses' station to see if anyone she knew needed help.

"Meredith, are you working?" Nuri one of the triage nurses asked her.

"I'm working but I'm not supposed to be working in the ED today," Meredith told her with an eye roll.

"Too bad," Nuri sighed, scratching her head. "I guess I need to find someone else. We're swamped again."

Meredith held out her hand, "Come on, I'll take it."

"They're in room three," Nuri handed Meredith the paper chart with a big smile. "You're the best."

"No problem," Meredith replied, "If Dr. Bailey should be looking for me …"

"Then I'll think of something," Nuri winked.

"Thanks," Meredith sent her a knowing look before walking towards the room. She skimmed through the intake paperwork educating herself on the case before she knocked on the doorpost. "Hello, I'm Meredith and I'm looking for Miss Emma," Meredith entered the room with a smile, rubbing the hand sanitizer into her hands. "Who of you ladies is Miss Emma?"

"I'm Emma," the older of the two girls sitting on the exam table giggled.

"Hello Miss Emma," Meredith shook the hand of the six-year-old funnily which lead to more giggles. Over the years she had learned that even the youngest patients liked to be acknowledged as real people. Establishing a relationship with the patient from the beginning reduced their stress and allowed her to get more accurate answers. It had taken her many years to figure out how to efficiently navigate parents and patients, how to talk to kids of all ages, and to still get her job done.

"I'm Eloise," the younger sister introduced herself.

"Hello, Miss Eloise. Nice to meet you," Meredith shook her tiny hand in the same way she had her sister's previously. Meredith grabbed the spinny chair from under the exam table and sat down. "And who is this?" she asked the girls.

"This is my Mama," Emma giggled. She had big brown eyes and light brown curly hair.

"Hello Mom," Meredith smiled at the anxious-looking woman who occupied the chair, across from the bed. "I'm Dr. Grey," She rolled over with her chair, shaking her hand as well.

"Hello. Please call me Leonie. I only listen to Mom when it comes to those two little munchkins," she gestured at her two girls.

"Sure," Meredith laughed, "So, Miss Emma I'm going to talk to your Mom real quick, and then we are going to play a game," she told the six-year-old who was coloring in the hospital issued coloring book with her sister. The girl nodded. Meredith entered her login into the desktop computer, pulled up the new patient chart, and turned to the mother: "Why don't you tell me what made you come in today. I know it feels repetitive and that you already told the nurse. It just gives me a better picture if I get the information from the source."

"Sure, I usually wouldn't just come into the ER for this. I would make an appointment with our pediatrician, however, I have a feeling that it can't wait until we are back home and we have nowhere else to go."

"Don't worry that's why we're here. Besides, nothing beats a mother's intuition," Meredith told her reassuringly.

"This morning Emma woke up and I noticed the left side of her face drooping. It's only minor but it's there," Leonie explained, looking at her daughter with worry.

"Yeah, I noticed that. Have you noticed anything else that has been different over the last couple of days?"

"She has been complaining about a headache for about three days and she is unusually sleepy to an almost lethargic degree. Normally she is a very active kid. I honestly thought it was just the jet lag."

"You recently traveled? Did she have any fevers?"

"She had a fever about two or three weeks ago but I don't think it's related. We are here for Thanksgiving break. My husband is from Seattle and he had a meeting that coincided with the holiday. So we decided that it would be a good idea to spend Thanksgiving with my in-laws. I don't think we're going to be doing this anytime soon again. Flying halfway across the globe with two small children is no joke."

"I can imagine. Is the area where you live known for any infectious diseases?"

"Of course, that's what you were asking. No, we live in Europe. She's up to date on all her shots. Typically she's very healthy unless you want to count all the minor school bugs. Maybe I'm just hyper-aware."

"Nothing wrong with hyper-awareness," Meredith smiled, "You said Emma had a fever two to three weeks ago, did you see her care provider for that?"

"Yes, she had an ear infection in her right ear. We got some antibiotics and she was fine within two days. No further complaints," Leonie recollected.

Meredith added the information to the electronic chart, before asking: "Any seizures, vomiting, nausea, or any known conditions or diseases? Any head trauma, falls, tumbles?"

"No. She has hay fever but other than that nothing," Leonie shook her head.

"Okay then," Meredith saved the notes. "Here are the options. We could run a bunch of tests to try to get to the bottom of this. However, I don't think that those will give us any clarifying answers. I would suggest that I do a neurological exam first before we unnecessarily draw a bunch of blood. Are you okay with this?" Meredith asked.

"Yeah sure."

"Okay, Miss Emma are you ready to play a game?" Meredith asked the little girl.

"What kind of game?" she asked not sure if she was up for it.

"A game that I made up. I bet you made up games before?"

Emma nodded, "At school, my friends and I always play made up games."

"Do you like school? Are you in kindergarten?"

"No, Eloise is in Kindergarten. I'm in first grade," Emma told Meredith. The way she pronounced kindergarten sounded very familiar.

"Eloise is in pre-school," Leonie clarified for Meredith. "There are some disadvantages to raising them bilingual."

"I get it," Meredith smiled.

"We live in Germany. Daddy's German is very bad, it's funny when he tries to talk. I speak English with him. With Mama, I speak both. She's a doctor. Daddy works with a computer, sometimes he works from home then he talks on the phone a lot and very loud," Emma told Meredith with big eyes. The information just poured out of her. "We live in a house and we have a garden with a swing set and a sandpit. My Oma and Opa have a dog, his name is Wastl, he is tiny and cute but also very mean. What kind of doctor are you?"

"I'm a surgeon. I operate on people to make them better," Meredith explained.

"My Mama is becoming an anest… anesthi … she puts people to sleep," Emma looked at Meredith intently, "How do you play your game?"

Meredith couldn't take full credit for her 'game'. It had been a joined effort by many departments to come up with a fun way to conceal a long neuro exam into a game. A multi-disciplinary team had worked for many months before they had started trails. It had been part of an effort to make the whole hospital experience a little more kid-friendly. Most kids were more or less aware that something scary was happening to them. They could feel their parents' anxiety, they spent hours in doctors' offices without getting much information themselves. For most of them going to the hospital would become a constant part of their lives. Adults would poke them and make them feel horrible. They would have to have uncomfortable tests and surgeries without understanding the reason. The protocol was an effort to make the experience a little more bearable and give the patient back some control. It was working and had been implemented by multiple other institutions around the world.

Meredith had been part of the initial team who had come up with the original idea and had watched the child specialists come up with the amazing protocol. Back in Munich, she had had a team of nurses, psychologists, therapists, and technicians that all had helped. It was a collaboratory process.

During the exam, there were many giggles by Emma and Eloise – who had joined in. Meredith had noticed more and more deficits that concerned her. She exhaled dramatically: "Miss Emma, you beat me. I guess the winner needs a price, right? What about a sticker?"

"Yes, I love stickers," her eyes lit up and a giant smile spread across her face. Little kids were so easy to please. "Mama, I won a sticker," she declared proudly.

Leonie smiled at her daughter.

"I guess I need to on a sticker hunt," Meredith told Emma before she turned back to the dark-haired anxious woman on the chair. Meredith sighed quietly before she began: "I don't think that Emma has any acute infections or inflammation, of course, I can't rule it out just yet. But her neck isn't stiff, she doesn't show the typical symptoms for meningitis and she has no fever. However, three different cranial nerves show some form of deficit in various degrees. Her eyes are twitchy and her muscle tone is weaker on the left side. Her balance is off. I would like to run an MRI and I don't say this lightly." Leonie swallowed hard. "I know this is a lot to take in. With your training your brain tends to go jump to the worst imageable outcomes, just don't go there yet. We don't know anything."

"Mhm," Leonie nodded, trying to keep her composure.

"I hate to ask this, but this is unfortunately how the American health care system works. I assume you have travel health insurance," Leonie nodded, "Good. I don't want to run an MRI and find out after, that your insurance doesn't cover it and leave you with the insane cost. I have to speak with my colleague whether he thinks that an MRI is appropriate but when I do I want to be sure that it's fully covered. They're a little stingy when they don't know if the costs are covered," Meredith smiled a little.

With shaking hands, Leonie pulled out her wallet looking for the card to call the insurance emergency hotline. It was evident to Meredith that the news had shaken the young woman. She was alone with two small children in a foreign hospital and she had just learned that her daughter had a probable brain condition. The kids were getting restless, who knew how long they had been waiting before Meredith had come in to see them. Leonie looked stressed and overwhelmed. Meredith noticed the yellow card, she knew the provider, she had worked with them before as a transport physician.

"I can call for you if you want," Meredith offered. Normally this would be the job of someone else – a volunteer, a nurse's assistant, or the front desk staff. Physicians never called around for patients unless they needed a consult on a case. Meredith's situation was different, her schedule wasn't busy, she had no patients of her own and she was sick and tired of being put on the sidelines.

"Are you sure? They probably only speak German."

"I'm sure. No need to worry," Meredith ensured.

"Thank you," Leonie handed her the card.

"Mama," a little hand pulled on her mother's sleeve.

"Was, Eloise?"

"Ich hab soo Durst," she reported her thirst by spreading her little arms and looking at her mother with big eyes.

"Ich auch und Hunger," Emma agreed.

"Ich weiß, meine Schätze. Wir haben leider nichts mehr. Ihr müsst euch leider noch ein bisschen gedulden bis wir was neues besorgen können," Leonie explained to her daughters patiently.

"Ich schau mal ob ich was organisieren kann," Meredith said, getting ready to hunt down whoever was willing to sign off on the MRI.

"Why do you speak German?" Emma asked, curiously eying her, "Grandma doesn't speak German."

"Well, I used to live in Germany for many years," Meredith told her. Emma's eyes went big as her worlds collided.

* * *

"Okay, super. Danke. Wenn Sie mir das jetzt noch per Mail schicken könnten wäre ich Ihnen sehr dankbar. … Klar," Meredith told the lady on the other end of the line her hospital email address. She had been on hold for twenty minutes before someone had picked up. It was almost 12:30 at night in Germany. The woman on the phone had been very helpful and had given Meredith the all clear for the MRI. "Vielen, vielen Dank. Sie haben mir wirklich sehr geholfen. Auf wiederhören," Meredith hang up the telephone, with a loud exhale. She sat at the ER nurses' station. Nuri had told her that Bailey was in surgery with the trauma case so she at least did not have to worry about her. The ER was buzzing, it looked like chaos with a system.

"Back at it again," Brandon commented, he sat next to her writing a discharge note. He was the ER Chief resident and not much older than thirty. In the ER they were all on a first-name basis.

"What?" Meredith asked.  
"You're back at it again. Meredith and her many hidden talents. With whom were you speaking anyways?"

"Travel health insurance company of my patient."

"Which patient?"

"Six-year-old in room three," Meredith leaned back into her office chair, "She needs an MRI. Can you sign off on it?" she asked with a smile.

"She needs an MRI?" he questioned with a raised eyebrow. "Of what?"

"The brain," Meredith told him and proceeded to present the case to him. Simultaneously he pulled up the chart on his computer.

"Why an MRI, though? A blood test or a lumbar puncture would be reasonable. Or a CT."

"Sure I can draw blood to get a baseline. We won't figure out the origin of her neurological deficits with that, though. Do you think a lumbar puncture is reasonable? Based on what evidence?" she questioned.

"She had a fever from otitis media. The bacteria could have spread to the brain membranes which could explain the nerve deficits. What if this is atypically presenting meningitis? I think this is enough evidence to justify a lumbar puncture. Have you checked her ears?" Brandon asked.

"Of course I have. They're clear. She hears fine and she isn't complaining about an earache, doesn't have a fever or a stiff neck. The ear infection was on the right, she is presenting with weakness on the left. She was prescribed amoxicillin, finished the course, and checked back with their pediatrician after. They did everything as they were supposed to. Including coming in today. Her symptoms are sudden onset, her mother is worried," Meredith argued.

"I'm not saying that they did anything wrong. I'm just confused about why you would shoot for an MRI first before checking off all the other boxes."

"Good. Because I don't think she has an infection and all standard blood tests just rule out infections. If I as the physician don't think that a test is going to benefit the diagnostic process I'm not going to order it. Especially if that means sticking a giant needle in a six-year-old's back. In particular, if an MRI is noninvasive, less traumatic and will give us probably a good idea of what's going on."

"What do you think you'll see on the MRI?"

"A brain tumor."

"A brain tumor? Really? When you hear hoofprints think horses, not zebras, Meredith," Brandon sighed.

"Yes really, a brain tumor. This has nothing to do with zebras. Don't try me."

"Not about zebras? Based on one exam you assume that a little girl has a brain tumor? Most other doctors would check for multiple other things before even going there. You just jumped to that conclusion supported by your years of experience, I assume?"

"Come on, do you really think I would even assume a diagnosis like that without a reasonable concern? The combination of her history and her presentation concerns me," Meredith debated. "All I'm asking is that we do the MRI to check. I'm more than happy should my theory be wrong. This isn't about me. This is about Emma."

"I don't know, Meredith. It just doesn't sit right with me. What if you're so caught up with the thought that she has a brain tumor that you missed something?"

Meredith sighed frustratedly. She ran her hand through her mid-length hair. She knew that convincing one of the ER physicians about her suspected diagnosis would be a hard task. Everything about her physical appearance – her nameless lab coat, the light blue scrubs, her young age, and her hospital ID – identified her as an intern. Even if she decided to spill her secret right now, there was no way of knowing if he would believe her. She was getting desperate. She had seen enough patients with similar histories to know that her concern was valid. What frustrated her the most was that if they decided against the scan and her concerns were correct Emma's condition could rapidly deteriorate, potentially endangering her life. There was no way of knowing without the imaging. "Go see her yourself or have someone else look at her."

"Have you consulted Neuro?" Brandon asked in thought what the right next step would be.

"No, I have not."

"Do that," he nodded in agreement. "Let them decide what to do next."

"Fine," Meredith tried really hard not to be visibly bothered by the request.

"Now you're annoyed," Brandon stated.

"I'm not annoyed," Meredith spat through her teeth.

"Yes, you are. I can see it. Look, I get it. As an intern, you see things that are not there …"

"Don't," Meredith held up her hand to stop him.

"It happens to the best of us. My judgment is clouded by your assumption and I don't feel comfortable deciding what we should do or not do. Neuro is far better equipped for that. For what it's worth, Meredith, I've never seen an intern arguing this passionately on a patient's behalf with a superior. It takes balls. One would even doubt that you're indeed only an intern. You're relentless, a force to be reckoned with. Don't let this pull you down," he told her sincerely while taking the discharge letter for his patient out of the printer, "For all, we know you could be right," he winked before turning around and walking away. He and Meredith had hit off right from the beginning.

She missed the professional discourse among colleagues. Being an intern was so serious – she had not expected that. The competitiveness was at an all-time high and the stress and anxiety of being responsible for patients were weighing heavy on them. Meredith couldn't identify with this anymore. For her being a doctor was comparable to going to work at any other job. An attorney had to defend his clients at court. A pilot was responsible for passengers and crew. A teacher was responsible to teach the new generation. A firefighter fought fires and saved people. A ballerina danced on stage to portray a story and make the audience feel something. Saving lives was her responsibility.

Beyond that she enjoyed the personal relationships and interactions with colleagues, the banter, eating lunch together, and grabbing a drink after work. Meredith missed those things.

When she had started her shifts in the ER she had let her guard down. For the first time in Seattle, she had enjoyed going to work. She was less afraid that someone would find out that she was more than an intern. She still had erred on the side of caution.

Meredith picked up the phone and called neuro for a consult. This was the only thing that she was able to do for the family in room three right now. The neurology and neurosurgical departments were confusing. Even though both were run and managed independently, they shared a single ER consult hotline. Derek had tried to explain the reason behind this move on multiple occasion and she still had trouble seeing any logic in it. Both departments refused to share resources and patient information in Clinic or on the floor but were okay with this concept.

The hotline was manned with a PA who then would decide who needed to be paged – neurology or neurosurgery. After, a resident would call her, to see if the case fell into their jurisdiction. It was lengthy and unnecessary.

Meredith talked to the PA, she presented the case to her and the PA told her that someone would contact her shortly. She sat in front of the phone for fifteen minutes before she got to talk to a neuro resident who told her he would be down to see Emma as soon as he was done on the floor, but it could take some time.

Meredith returned to the room with stickers for the girls and an update for mom. A volunteer had brought in food and beverages for the family. They all looked exhausted. The jet lag was evident. Eloise had curled up on her mother's lap. Emma sat on the exam table unenthusiastic watching something on a tablet, her eyes visibly turning in.

Meredith stayed until she got paged to the surgical floor. She had talked to Leonie for half an hour, sensing that the young mother needed some company. Leonie was in her second to last year of training to become an anesthesiologist at a city hospital in Munich. She had studied medicine at the other university in Munich. It always amazed Meredith how small the world was. They chatted about their experience studying medicine in the Bavarian city. Leonie seemed a little more at ease when Meredith left her for the surgical floor. Her husband was on his way, Eloise had fallen asleep and Emma was fighting sleep as well. She promised that she would check on them before she left for the night but told them that she hoped that they were already done by then.

* * *

Meredith closed the door to the garage behind her and locked it. She took off her shoes and left them by the door. Following the delicious smell, she walked straight into the kitchen. Her stomach was growling – she was starving. With a loud thump, she set her heavy purse down on the kitchen table.

"I could get used to this," Meredith walked up behind him and wrapped her arms around his torso, resting her head on his back. Derek stood at the stove, stirring the contents of a pot.

"Used to what?" Derek asked smirking, turning around in her hug to face her.

"Coming home to home-cooked food," Meredith smiled mockingly at him, reaching up to give him a kiss. "And to you of course."

"Don't get used to it," he grinned, leaning down to kiss her.

"I won't, don't worry. What's for dinner?" she peeked into the pot.

"Chili. I waited for you so that we could decide together but then I was too hungry to wait any longer. I didn't know when you would be home," Derek explained. He had his dress shirt sleeves rolled up and his top button undone. Music was playing in the background while was making dinner.

"I should have been home an hour ago, but I got caught up with a patient and then I had trouble getting my car to start," Meredith opened a cabinet, took out a glass and filled it with water.

"That thing is going to die soon. You should think about investing in a more reliable model. One that doesn't fall apart," Derek shook his head.

"I know. It's just …"

"Mer," he interrupted her, "You don't have student loans, you don't have to pay rent, you're an accomplished woman. There's no need for you to drive a car that you would buy a sixteen-year-old in the assumption that they will crash it at the next best moment. You can afford a decent car."

"I know. It's just I never owned a car before and buying a new one is a big purchase," Meredith argued, refilling her glass at the faucet. She usually returned dehydrated from work.

"Please, you bought your condo when you were twenty-four," Derek snorted, "It's a just new car, Mer. No one is saying that you need to buy a Porsche. It should be safe and reliable."

"I know," she rolled her eyes, making a face, while she began setting the dinner table.

"How was your day?" he changed the subject.

"It started great. My article got published, my patient is going great, I got the anesthesia residency confirmation, I got to talk to you. Then I spent the morning in Clinic, being Bailey's secretary. I had a bland sandwich for lunch, found out that Addison knows about us, stopped my boyfriend from defending my honor – which is sweet but not necessary," she looked at him. "Well, the interns picked up on the fact that you are seeing one of them and Izzie News Network has a new breaking story. So that was fun. Then I got paged to the ER only to be kicked out of the trauma room and forgotten when they took the patient to the OR. I then found myself a patient, saw them independently, argued with the Brandon, called for a neuro consult – got forgotten by them, wrote some orders, checked on patients, yelled at the neuro resident for forgetting my patient. All while not having my phone because you took it this morning," Meredith recollected her day, sitting down at the island.

"Your phone is on the charger in the study. Are you always this busy?"

"God no, I think it's linked to the article. They somehow always get the contact information. It's the same after speaking at a conference. I haven't had time to check yet. It drained my watch."

"Oh, okay. I had to put it on silent. Why did you need a neuro consult?" Derek asked, pouring the chili seasoning over the ground beef. "They basically already had the neuro consult there."

"I know, but I disagreed with Brandon on the next diagnostic step and he wasn't willing to sign off on an MRI. Suspecting a brain tumor in a six-year-old is apparently a zebra," she opened a bottle of wine and poured two glasses. "He said I might have overlooked something and he didn't feel comfortable doing an MRI instead of a spinal tap. I mean, I get it. It seems like an outlandish assumption to make by an intern in the ER. So kudos to him for being thorough. It just sucks for the family that they had to wait so long and have to go through the entire exam again. Who knows what they have to go through to get answers. I just really hope I'm wrong." Meredith got up and handed him a glass of wine.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. You look like you need it. How was your day?"

"It was okay," he shrugged unenthused, "First surgery went fine, second got postponed because there were some staffing issues. It's always unfortunate to push back a surgery if the patient is about to get to the OR. They and their family were very understanding but it just doesn't sit right with me," Derek turned off the stove and filled two bowls with the chili. He carried them over to the table. Meredith followed him with their wine glasses.

"What kind of staffing issue? Isn't there supposed to be back-up?"

"Normally there is, but with Thanksgiving around the corner, we run on limited staff as it is. Only emergent cases are scheduled for surgery so more people can spend time with their families. If one of them gets sick or is unavailable the whole system needs to be reevaluated. There is no surgery without an anesthesiologist or a CRNA."

"That sucks. I'm so out of the loop what is happening on the surgical floor – it's alarming," Meredith commented. "It tastes great, Der."

"Thank you but it's actually a seasoning mix."

"You could have just taken the credit," Meredith teased.

"I could have. Well, I haven't told you the biggest shocker yet. During the department head meeting, admin informed us that coming January first, Seattle Grace and Mercy West will be merging or we will be absorbing them or we will be absorbed by them."

"Wait, what?! ... What? How? Why?" Meredith asked, clearly surprised by the information.

"That's all I know. They just dropped the bomb without answering questions."

"There must be a reason, right? Do you know about the numbers?"

"The numbers aren't the best, but I don't think 'going under' bad. But what do I know? I'm just now getting a feel for my department's numbers. A month, Mer. Within a month they expect us to combine two staffed hospitals into one functioning medical center. How?"

"They didn't give you any specifics?" Meredith asked.

"None," Derek shook his head, "We went through the typical agenda and then at the end they dropped the bomb. They said that Richard and Dr. Fisher will brief us soon."

"I think this merger probably has been in the works for months. There is no way of going through a deal like this within a month, they are just now letting you know about it. This is how Admin thinks. For most of them, health care is just another product that they sell. It's easier to merge two companies that sell FMCG, or any similar product. Production costs get reduced because of the economies of scale, the market share increases, et cetera. In health care you don't get those effects, health care is a service industry, there are people involved - sick, dying people. You can't just cut costs when it comes to people. Of course the bigger you are the better prices you get with suppliers but that about it," Meredith rambled. She looked up in Derek's face who starred at her. "I'm boring you, right?"

"No, not at all. I just never paid much attention to economics and business in school. My mom always told me, I should take an econ class because one day I will need it. I never took one. Look at me now," Derek laughed.

"You're doing a pretty fine job running a department for not having heard an econ class. Don't beat yourself up. Is this an acquisition or a merger?"

"I don't know. I don't know," Derek shook his head, "I'll let you know as soon as I know more, so you can bring some light into the dark. I'm just worried that people are going to lose their jobs. That some of my people are going to lose their jobs. Mercy west has a neurosurgery department as well. How is this going to play out?"

"I guess you have to wait and see."

"I guess so."

Both were lost in their thoughts for a while, finishing their dinner in silence.

Derek was loading the dishwasher while Meredith cleaned the kitchen.

"You know what this means?" Meredith asked out of the blue.

"What?"

"I was thinking about it anyway, it's time that I bow out. Now that I have confirmation from the anesthesiology board, I have no reason to stay at Seattle Grace and take up space. Should the other boards decide differently, I now have some leverage to fight them on their decision. There is no reason to hide anymore," Meredith told him with a grin.

Derek looked at her a smile playing about his lips: "I guess there is not. We should celebrate that."

"We should, shouldn't we?" Meredith smirked.

"For sure," Derek nodded. Meredith giggled loudly when she took his hand to follow him upstairs.

* * *

Meredith had come in early this morning. Her job was to have all patient information ready for rounds. It was always one intern's job to collect the data and concerns from the nurses that had accumulated overnight. She usually did it ten minutes before rounds started but Derek's postponed surgery had been pushed to early this morning. She had been awake and had decided to go leave with him.

She sat at a computer at the nurses' station, sipping her morning tea. She pulled up Emma's file - she was curious about what they had found and if they had done her suggested MRI.

Emma had been admitted to the pediatric unit last night, which confused Meredith. When she read on she understood why. Neurology had decided to do a spinal tab first. They had found cancer cells in her spinal fluid which had prompted them to finally order the MRI to get to the bottom of it. Meredith exhaled sadly as she read the odyssey in the chart. They must have waited for hours and it didn't read as if they had informed her parents about the finding of the spinal tab yet. They had done the scan late last night but it hadn't been read by radiology yet.

She opened the file. Meredith had read many brain MRIs in her career. Every single one was horrible in their own way. Behind every scan were a patient and a story. Some were happy stories, patients that were cured with one surgery. Some told the story of surgical excellence, teamwork, and a heroic fight to beat the tumors. Some told the story of freak accidents or horrible tragedies where they were able to save lives with their skills. Others told the story of recurrence, deficits, and lost fights. And then there were the ones that were so horrible that they were unable to even attempt to do anything, where the tumor was in an inoperable place.

"No, no, no, no, no," Meredith mumbled as she analyzed the scan. She switched to the other view, that only confirmed her fear. Her heart broke. "Fuck!" she exclaimed loudly, forgetting where she was.

* * *

7/4/20

Another long chapter. I wanted to get this out last week but I just finished it. It takes time to get the chapter up to my liking, to fit all my ideas in it, and to edit it. I hope you liked it. I'm still blown away by all of your support, it makes writing much more fun if you know someone is reading and looking forward to it. So thank you. I love reading your reviews and thoughts.

I hope you continue to stay happy and healthy and wear a mask. I always pretend to be a Grey's doctor when I wear mine, it makes it more fun. I have yet to break out in song or quote iconic lines. ;-) Have a great weekend!

Happy fourth to all my American readers. It's a different one this year, like almost everything.


	14. Chapter 14 - Surgical Floor

**Chapter 14 - Surgical Floor**

The hospital felt different this morning. Meredith couldn't pinpoint what it was exactly. Her best guess was that it was a combination of different factors. One aspect was the general atmosphere, it was much calmer than usual. Due to the approaching holiday, there was less staff on the schedule and all patients that could safely go home had been discharged. It was still busy and there was a lot of work to be done but the sheer decreased number of people in the building made it seem quiet and almost eerie.

Meredith couldn't help thinking about the changes that were about to happen to Seattle Grace. That this was the calm before the storm. A merger was a big affair that always had significant consequences for an organization – to the general climate and work environment. She was aware that with the merger announcement the hospital would be thrown in some form of chaos. The question was what kind. It all depended on how the administration planned to communicate the decision to the staff. Derek's recollections so far didn't justify a big vote of confidence in their abilities to do so.

It was no secret that Meredith wasn't the biggest fan of Seattle Grace. There were a lot of weaknesses in their system and a lot of room for improvement. Restructuring the residency program was long overdue and if done correctly would benefit the institution immensely. However, mergers hadn't the best reputation for improving residencies. In the past whenever two hospitals became one, the residents and the 'lower staff' were the ones who had always suffered the most.

Mercy West was a teaching hospital as well. Both hospitals were almost interchangeable in the services they offered. Where Mercy West had a bigger and more reputable oncology department, Seattle Graces offered better maternal and neonatal care. Either hospital had a big surgical unit with an equal amount of surgical residents. The cruel reality was that the merger would cost people their jobs. Meredith was clueless about how they were going to go about the staffing problem. A hospital was a job machine and an essential service serving the entire community.

Over the past months as an intern, Meredith had been able to interact with employees she wouldn't have had the time to build relationships with otherwise. She had made friends with lab technicians, radiology techs, respiratory and physical therapists, orderlies, and some of the nurses. She was well connected within the walls of the hospital. With one phone call, she was able to rush lab results or get a STAT CT scheduled or have PT assess one of her patients.

Medicine was a team sport, succeeding was only possible as a team. Every job was important to reach the best outcome for the patient – a lot of physicians needed to be reminded about that. Posing as an intern for the last five months had once again shown her how important this aspect of the job was. Meredith very much appreciated whoever had helped her through the mountain of work, who had reminded her to write an order or check up on a patient or who loudly advocated for their patient's best interest. The nurses had saved her ass a couple of times, Meredith wasn't used to taking care of so many patients' bedside needs at once anymore.

As a surgeon, a lot of the workday was spent in an operating room isolated from the happenings on the floor. They relied on the nurses to be their eyes and ears, while they were operating. A lot of surgeons were brilliant in their field but disconnected, very self-centered, arrogant, and lacked the ability to connect with people. She knew a lot of surgeons that were proud of their reputation, which nursed the stereotype of being rude and unapproachable. The refusal of some to self-critic and -reflect, and to adapt their behavior to the time and place was despicable.

Meredith didn't know why but the nursing internship she had been required to complete before starting med school had had a lasting effect on her. It had been brutal and humbling. Not only had she struggled with the language barrier and the demanding tasks of the job, but she had also been the perfect target for some of the older nurses. She had been very young, foreign, and a bit of a smartass. It wasn't a secret amongst German med students that the nursing internship was a ruthless experience.

In the German system, there wasn't a lot of appreciation for nurses – from society, politics, or physicians. There was a lot of pent up frustration in the nursing staff, they were chronically overworked, understaffed, underpaid, and mistreated. A lot of that frustration was directed towards the people who were privileged to study medicine and were at the beginning of their path to becoming doctors. It wasn't uncommon that at the end of the internship one of the older bitter nurses would give a discouraging unjustified parting-message to the young student. It was all about scaring them into submission. Consequentially young doctors were hesitant and wary towards the nursing staff when they started working on the ward. They reacted with entitlement and the vicious circle continued.

Meredith had been guilty of this reaction as well. The nursing internship had still been a very important experience on her path to becoming a doctor. It had taught her a lot and after some perspective, she had been glad that it had been a requirement. It had taken some time before she had been able to see it like that and had been able to detect the underlying problem and then adjust her survival strategy accordingly – but she had figured it out.

Matze had been essential in opening her eyes. He had been a young driven neurosurgeon attending who had come to Munich straight after his fellowship. He had studied medicine in Germany, had done his residency in the states, had completed his fellowship in Switzerland. At the time he had been hired as the only pediatric neurosurgeon on the staff. Other than being a mountain bike lover he was very open-minded and liked to push the status quo on everything. He was never shy about calling someone out on their bullshit or when something didn't sit right with him. Meredith had met him at the very beginning of his career in Munich. He had been the new hire and she had been the second year resident assigned to his service. At first, Meredith had found it incredibly exhausting working with him. He was very demanding and particular how he wanted things done inside and outside of the OR. She had only been used to being taught inside of the walls of the operating room and being left to her own devices outside. Matze had been different, he had taught her beyond technique and surgical skills. He had broken her established ways to approach problems, had changed her way to think, and had encouraged her to find her own doctor-voice.

Ever since she had started working as a doctor, Meredith had been plagued by the fear of becoming her mother. She had been so invested in becoming a great surgeon that she had feared that she would end up surgery-obsessed, alone, and unable to keep any relationship. Her whole life it had been implanted in her that this was the only path to success. Ellis had taught her that in order to succeed she had to do things a certain way, especially as a woman. Matze had recognized her fears, her hesitations, and had detected her forward-thinking that she had hidden under an old-school way to approach medicine. He had broken that shell and had shown her that she was able to write her own story. His premise was that one didn't wait for the change to happen instead was the change they wanted to see.

They had formed a deeply rooted friendship and partnership over the years. They had become official work partners when he had been appointed to lead the endeavor to build the pediatric neurosurgery department. Together they had imagined how a department should look like and how it should be operated, what they wanted to see in modern medicine. They had been two people in charge of building a cutting edge department – one very idealistic, the other very realistic. Somehow it had worked.

Some of their ideas had been so outlandish that they had to let them go. In the end, they incorporated valued interdisciplinary team-work, honest and practical teaching, cutting edge technology and research, a big focus on patient- and family-care and no rooms for egos. Meredith had enjoyed the experience and until today this was one of her biggest accomplishments.

Without Matze, she would neither be the physician nor the person she was today. He had given her the tools and guidance she had needed to develop into the Meredith she was today. He had held her accountable for her actions, had helped her through difficult professional times, and had encouraged her to push the norm.

He had introduced her to pediatric neurosurgery. Before working with him Meredith had sworn off working with kids. She was convinced that she was unable to find a connection with children – she had been unable to connect with them when she had been one herself why should it be different as an adult? It had been surprisingly easy for her. Being overheard, ignored, and misunderstood for most of her childhood she was able to sympathize with her patients' fears. Something about seeing worried parents fighting for their sick kids gave Meredith hope. Hope that family – in whatever form – was a possibility and that most kids didn't have to go through what she went through. Neither her mother nor her father had ever bothered to fight for her – she had relied on other people to be that person for her and at some point, she had begun to self-advocate.

Operating on kids was hard, but it wasn't that much harder than working on any neurosurgery patient. The stakes in neurosurgery were high, the risk was high, the margin for error was slim. She enjoyed working with adults and could have easily picked a fellowship in any other field of neurosurgery. Not every surgeon had the ability to step into an OR with a child on the table and put away the fact that they were operating on a minor. Meredith had met surgeons who had never operated on a child in their career, she had met surgeons who had only operated on children and she had met those who did both and didn't differentiate between them. She was one who could put away the demographic and personal details of her patient and concentrate on getting them through surgery with the best possible outcome. In the OR Meredith was cool as a cucumber, she was very task-oriented, focused, precise, and demanding. From day one she had been able to leave whatever else was going on outside of the OR and solely concentrate on the surgery. Meredith suspected that she had inherited this 'talent' from her mother.

Emotionally pediatric neurosurgery could take a lot out of a person. In no other field of medicine had she experienced higher highs or lower lows. Nothing beat the feeling of seeing a patient walk out of the hospital being cured of their tumor, knowing that you saved their lives. On the other hand, losing a patient was so much harder. Sitting down with the parents telling them that they had exhausted all their medical options and that there was nothing else to do for their child. Watching their heartbreaking grieve while accepting defeat was the hardest part of the job that no one ever talked about. It was emotionally draining and Meredith was glad that she was able to escape into her other specialties from time to time. Spending a day as an anesthesiologist in OB was cleansing.

* * *

It had started pouring outside like it did most of the time these days. The wind was howling against the windows. The fluorescent light was a harsh contrast to the gloomy lighting outside. They had just finished morning rounds. Meredith switched on the overhead light in the workroom behind the nurses' station and sat her tea mug down next to one of the computers. She pressed the on-button of one of the computers. While waiting for it to start up she peeled herself out of her white coat and hung it up on one of the coat hooks. She entered her id number and password into the system and started putting in orders for the patients they had just seen. Meredith was one of two interns working on the surgical floor today. Alex was the other one. She had never worked with just Alex – to be honest, she didn't know him. She had heard a lot of stories from Cristina and Izzy. However, in all her time at Seattle Grace, they had only shared a couple of conversations neither being particularly friendly. She was curious how it would be, only working with him for the entire shift.

She was allowed to see patients by herself today which was a major difference to all the other days she had been working on the surgical service. There were around 20 patients on the floor. They were either waiting for surgery or were recovering from a previous procedure. The spectrum of patients was wide, the cases varied from easy to complicated. Meredith was mentally prepared for the worse but hoped for the best. For now, she was running things on her own because Dr. Bailey had been called into surgery and had taken Alex with her for an emergency appy.

Meredith finished up putting the last orders in the system. The charting system was a pain in the ass, nothing could be done without a formal written order. Nurses couldn't hang fluids without a written order, care could only be provided with written documentation. Which meant a lot of paper- and deskwork for her. It was the part of the job she despised the most. For now, everything was documented in the system and her patients were cared for, giving her some time to finally concentrate on the case that had been at the forefront of her mind since yesterday evening.

She had expected to find a tumor on Emma's scans, the evidence had been too indicative not to. Years of experience of seeing and treating brain tumor patients had made her sensitive to the signs. Emma had shown many major red flags in her history and her presentation.

As a surgeon, certain tumors held a certain beauty and fascination. The way they developed, invaded healthy tissue, and tried to survive could be intriguing. Hours were spent studying their genetic markups and characteristics to develop treatments and surgical approaches. It was important to know the enemy, its strengths, and its weaknesses before going into the battle.

This morning she had found a tumor – not the beautiful kind that could be admired, studied, and then beat. She had found the nasty kind that caused more despair than inspiration. The type of tumor was rather rare and only known to affect a specific age group. She doubted that anyone at Seattle Grace had any experience with this kind of tumor and if anyone was willing to issue an official diagnosis.

The whole situation didn't sit right with the young surgeon. She was missing her network. Back in Munich, she had had an entire team to her disposal – oncologists, neurologists, therapists, psychologists, social workers, and child life specialists. She would have known who to call and how to proceed. She would have known the protocols and procedures. Back in Munich, she would have had leverage, in Seattle she had none.

Meredith was aware that to get answers, to give answers, and to organize a treatment plan she would have to step on a lot of toes today. She felt obligated, Emma was her patient. She had bonded with the little girl, who despite her situation had been happy and willing to participate in Meredith's game. There had been an undeniable connection, that Meredith just couldn't ignore. The circumstances were unique in many ways. The family was in Seattle on vacation – they had flown halfway across the globe for a week to spent Thanksgiving with their family. Neither of them had expected that they would end up in the hospital getting life-altering news. They would return to Munich with heavy emotional baggage.

Meredith felt the need to make the situation as smooth as possible – as horrible as it was. She would use her network in Munich, her name and her knowledge to make sure the family had all the support they needed to get through this and if it was the last thing she would do at Seattle Grace.

Meredith opened the stairway door to the pediatric ward. Seattle Grace had one of the smaller pediatric units in the city. The Children's hospital was the main location for any serious pediatric issues in the city and region. They were chronically overrun by patients so the other hospitals had added their own smaller departments for less complicated cases. Pediatrics wasn't a prominent specialty at Seattle Grace – it existed. Every specialty that wasn't part of the teaching program was very underfunded and neglected. Seattle Grace had concentrated their financial resources on the maternal health center and the NICU.

Once on the floor, she felt the familiar energy. The energy on the pediatric floor was always different from the rest of the hospital. Everyone worked extra hard to make the hospital stay as pleasant as possible. The walls were painted more friendly, the necessary scary hospital equipment was disguised, there were designated rooms for play and caretakers. Meredith noticed the difference to the surgical floor right away. There were fewer financial resources available, the equipment was run down and outdated but somehow they made it work. A nurse willingly gave her Emma's room number when she asked.

Meredith knocked on the door and entered after she heard conformation. The floral-patterned curtain around the door was drawn to give the mother and daughter some privacy.

"Good morning, Miss Emma," Meredith peaked around the privacy curtain. Emma sat on the bed, watching a show on the small TV. She seemed unbothered by her hospital stay, it seemed like that it was just another part of the vacation advantage. Leonie on the other hand looked even more anxious than she had yesterday. Meredith could tell that the unexpected admission was worrying the young mother – she tried her best to conceal her worries for her daughter's sake but she wasn't fooling Meredith.

"Hello Dr. Meredith," Emma smiled. Her smile was crooked. The drooping was even more prominent then yesterday, "Are you here to play a game?"

"No, not right now. I'm just here to say hello," Meredith smiled at the six-year-old. She was glad that Emma wasn't stressing out about any of this.

"Oh, okay," Emma replied disappointingly. "I liked the game and I need more stickers. Eloise put them all over the coloring book and now I don't have any more stickers and can't color the pictures."

"Emma!" Leonie scolded. She sat on the couch that doubled as a parent bed, always a watchful eye on her daughter.

"Aber es stimmt, Mama," Emma switched into German. „Eloise macht immer alles kaputt."

"Emma, Eloise ist drei Jahre alt. Sie weiß es einfach noch nicht besser," Leonie tried to reason with her.

"I'll see if I can find some more stickers and a new coloring book. I'm glad to see that you seem to be having fun," Meredith told the little girl. She never had a sister, but she had witnessed enough sisterly fights between Anna's girls that she understood the sentiment.

"Yeah, I get to watch TV and use the tablet. I'm usually not allowed to do that," Emma grinned, her attention already back on the show that was just coming out of the commercial break.

"The power of screen time," Leonie whispered.

"It's a magical tool. How are you doing? Do you need anything?" Meredith asked the mother, sitting down next to her.

"I'm exhausted. I couldn't sleep… Some answers would be nice," Leonie replied, deep worry lines on her face.

"No one has talked to you yet?" Meredith questioned.

"Nope. They were here for … what is it … zur Visite a couple of hours ago, nothing since. They weren't able to give us any information then. Something about still waiting for some test results but they think we'll be able to go home today. Do you have any information for me, Dr. Grey? Why they insisted on doing a lumbar puncture first? And then did an MRI even though they thought it was unnecessary? The waiting without answers is killing me, my brain just goes to these horrible scary places." Leonie's eyes were desperate.

"I'm sorry. I'm not on Emma's case. I'm not even supposed to be here. However, I'll make sure that someone talks to you before you go home. And whatever is going on with Miss Emma we'll make sure that we do everything we can," Meredith said diplomatically.

"You say that as if you already know something," Leonie accused. "Do you know something … anything? It is pretty hard to get answers here or to be noticed. We're not loud people, I don't want to bother anyone. I have the feeling they forgot about us. Do we need to worry? I'm freaking out," she asked.

Meredith knew that the unknown and the waiting was one of the hardest parts of having a sick child. She also understood why some diagnosis took time. In order to make sure that they weren't misdiagnosing their patient, they needed time. It was a complicated dance between, preparing the family of what was to come and not worrying them too much until they were sure.

Ever since Meredith had seen Emma's scan this morning she was feeling helpless. The times she had given a diagnosis of this magnitude were scarce. Those conversations were well prepared, were held in the privacy of a secluded room, and needed time.

The only thing she could do right now was listening to Leonie's worries to then allow her to focus back on her daughter. Pediatrics wasn't only taking care of children and their problems it was also taking care of the parents so they were able to do their jobs.

Meredith made eye contact with the young mother. "It's not yet the time to freak out. They are still running tests, I don't know the specifics. Just focus on Emma, there is nothing else you can do right now and you're doing an amazing job," Meredith watched Emma who was lounging on the bed, legs spread out in front of her, "You do your job. We're doing ours. And I can promise you that I'm doing everything in my power that whoever is in charge here doesn't forget about you. You'll get your answers and you will not be alone in any of this, I'll make sure of that. Okay?"

"Okay, if you say so," Leonie sniffed.

"I say so. You're not alone. You have people in your corner and I can be very annoying," Meredith reassured her when her pager went off, she checked it. "I'm so sorry, I would love to talk to you longer but I have to …" she said checking the message.

"No problem. You still use pagers?"

"Yep. I never thought that I would say this but I really miss having my own work phone. I'll see you later. Bye, Miss Emma."

It was annoying that she wasn't able to just pick up calls and talk to whoever needed her right then and there. Instead, she got a page with an extension number to call. Before she was able to make the call she had to find a phone. Meredith hated this system with a passion. She preferred having a cordless phone with her at all times.

* * *

"Yeah hello, this is Dr. Grey from surgery, I need a bed for a 66-year-old male nephrology patient, three days post-op after a colectomy. He's tachycardic at 120, hypertensive at 170 over 110 and he's sating at 91% on two and a half liters of oxygen. He has a fever, trouble breathing, and is complaining about chest pain. Cardiac enzymes are okay, white count and creatinine are elevated," Meredith rattled down the information as soon as the person on the other end greeted her. The floor was crazy today. She could barely keep up with the pages and consults. Meredith was the kind of person who thrived in stressful situations, she was great under pressure, she kept calm and became more organized the crazier the situation got. In these situations, she had no time keeping up any carefully drafted intern façade. The entire floor staff was stretched thin, there was no time for pleasantries or polite requests. Priority was to get things done and Meredith had no problem with letting some of her frustration out. "Well, then I suggest that you clear a bed."

She stood at the nurses' station, the receiver pinned between her shoulder and ear. The tablet with the patient information lay in front of her. Liz the nurse that had been caring for the patient since this morning sat across from Meredith following the conversation expectantly. Together they had determined that the patient needed a higher level of care than they could provide at the moment. Meredith listened to what the person on the other end of the phone line had to say. "Let me interrupt you right there. Don't come preaching about protocols. I've consulted cardiology, we've done a portable chest x-ray and a CT has been ordered. The latest labs are twenty minutes old. Everything that shouldn't be trending up is trending up and everything that shouldn't be trending down is trending down. We've exhausted our measures, despite everything we still have a severely sick patient who needs a higher level of care. The protocol is to request an ICU bed, which I'm doing right now."

Alex had been AWOL since the appy, which had finished hours ago. He must have disappeared somewhere between the operating room and the floor. He didn't answer his pages and everyone was too busy to actually go search for him. Since Bailey hadn't assigned them individual patients but instead had taken Alex to the OR, Meredith was stuck with the chaos that was the surgical floor. Under normal circumstances, there would be multiple interns covering the floor under the close supervision of a senior resident who would be in close contact with the attendings. Due to the approaching holiday, however, Bailey was the only senior general surgery resident that was working today. After the appy, Dr. Bailey had scrubbed in with the Chief of an emergency surgery that would take hours.

"I don't think that it's a PE but I can't rule it out without the CT. I suspect it's a pulmonary infection coupled with an aggravation of his co-morbidities," Meredith explained, listening again, "Listen, I don't really care. I care that we find a solution to the problem. The patient needs an ICU bed that's non-negotiable. How you find one is your job, not mine. I'm sure you have some patients who can be transferred to a step-down unit. Talk to whoever, so that we can get him up asap? … Thanks," with a loud exhale she slammed the receiver down.

"And?" Liz asked.

"They'll see what they can do, no promises though."  
"Of course. It's always the same," Liz rolled her eyes.

"I would go up myself and clear a bed but I just can't leave. Not as it is right now."

"What do you want to do, Dr. Grey?"

"Have respiratory on stand-by and let's just have everything set up for intubation just in case. Keep a very close eye on him and let's nag the ICU team every five minutes or so. I'm going to update the wife real quick," Meredith picked up the phone again and dialed the emergency contact number on the patient's chart, "Have you seen Dr. Karev?" she asked before Liz walked away.

"I'm sorry I haven't seen him since rounds," Liz told her.

"Great. Me neither. Can you page him again, please? " Meredith asked, running her hand through her hair, "Hello, this is Dr. Grey calling from Seattle Grace Hospital, am I speaking to Mrs. Wood?" The conversation was brief but informative, just long enough to convey the important information.

In the office, Meredith sat down and took a big sip of her now cold tea. It was one of those days. It was noon and she hadn't been able to drink, eat, or sit down since she had come back from peds. If things continued as they did half the floor would be a critical care unit by the end of the day. One patient was down in CT with a suspected surgical complication, another had spiked a post-op fever and needed intervenes antibiotics, another was experiencing urinary retention and everyone had something to complain about. Working on the surgical floor was exhausting, too many different complaints from too many specialties. A notification on her tablet alerted her that her patient's CT scans were added to her medical file.

Seeing the scans Meredith cursed herself for sitting down in the first place. Mrs. Rodriguez needed surgery and that sooner than later. She had an uncommon complication after her surgery that only happened rarely and needed a special surgical team to take care of the complication. Meredith stuffed her cell phone in her coat pocket and grabbed the tablet before leaving the office again.

"Hey Olivia, is Mrs. Rodriguez back from radiology yet?"

"No, not yet."

"Can you please ask transport to bring her to pre-op?" Meredith asked, picking up the phone to call the interventional radiology team.

"Pre-op?" Olivia asked, "Shouldn't Dr. Bailey or a senior resident decide whether she needs to go back to surgery."

"Dr. Bailey is still scrubbed in with the Chief, isn't she?"

"Yes, she is."

"Would you be so nice then?"

"Sure thing, Dr. Grey. Anything I should tell pre-op?" Olivia asked.

"Just tell them to run pre-op labs and prep her. I'll be up as soon as I talked to IR. Thank you," Meredith told her. Olivia looked skeptical, she was one of the nurses that was chronically skeptical towards interns and Meredith in particular.

She organized an IR team, an OR, and a surgical team for Mrs. Rodriguez.

"Dr. Grey, Mr. Wood's pulse ox is down to 87 and his breathing is very labored," Liz stopped Meredith before going up to pre-op to talk to her patient and her family about what was going on. She followed the tall curly-haired nurse into the room.

"Hello again, Mr. Wood," Meredith checked his breath sounds and frowned. "Okay, here is what we're going to do. I'm going to intubate him and get him on a ventilator. You're going to call the ICU and tell them that he's now intubated and that they should get a move on, with a very nice greeting from me. We get respiratory in here to check the vent settings. Then you're going to page Bailey again, just like the last times. She's still in surgery, but I'm heading there any way to talk to them about Mrs. Rodriguez. I'll be back as soon as I can," Meredith whispered to Liz, who started to prepare for intubation. Meredith stepped closer to the bed. Mr. Wood's lips were blue and he looked very pale, "Mr. Wood, I don't like this development. I think it's the time that we do what we have talked about earlier. The support is going to help you until we can get your lungs healthy again."

"My wife," he rasped barely audible.

"Your wife is on her way. I talked to her, you don't need to worry. She's fine and you're in very good hands," Meredith smiled at him compassionately. "Are you ready?" He nodded weakly and Liz handed her the induction meds for the intubation. "I'll see you later, Mr. Wood."

As soon as the meds took their effect, Meredith intubated him. Anatomically he had a tricky airway and with the added inflammation of the infection, it wasn't the easiest intubation she had ever done. For the countless time today, she was thankful that she was not in fact an intern – she would be drowning and her patients with her. Liz connected him to the ventilator and Meredith adjusted the settings.

"I rarely see such effortless intubation by an intern," Liz told her after.

"Thanks," Meredith nodded, throwing her gloves into the bin by the door. "Sorry, I have to go talk to Bailey and the Chief. I would stay but..."

"Don't worry about it, go."

* * *

It had been bold to walk into the Chief's OR to inform him that Mrs. Rodriguez was experiencing a serious complication and that she was in another OR being taken care of by a different team. She knew that and she had been scrutinized by Dr. Bailey the moment she had uttered the words. Meredith's effort to keep the Chief in the loop about his patient had been taken as an accusation for a surgical mistake. She was aware that complications happened even with the simplest of procedures and that sometimes those complications were out of any one's control. The important thing was that the patient was the priority, that the problem was addressed and taken care of, and most importantly that the care wasn't compromised by an over-inflated ego. She had made very clear that she wasn't accusing anyone of anything and that she was just informing them about the state of the surgical floor and their patients before she excused herself. The Chief seemed to understand that, she wasn't sure about Dr. Bailey.

She ripped off the surgical mask and threw it in the bin by the door. The OR had always been one of her happy places. The place where she spent most of her hours of being a doctor, nowadays she only saw the inside of an operating room when she flew halfway across the country or was the messenger of unfortunate news. It was a weird feeling to know more people on the other side of the line than from the surgical staff. She took off her shoe covers and threw them in the bin as well.

Meredith suppressed a yawn when she pushed the button of the elevator. It was that time of the day when she swapped the stairs for the elevator. She had come in at five and it was only one in the afternoon. She was tired and the hardest part of the day was still in front of her. She checked her phone if she had gotten any messages while she was in the OR. She was waiting for a call from the tumor specialist at Children's. It had taken several phone calls before she had been able to get the direct number. All-day she tried to catch up with Emma's case development, unfortunately, she was always a step behind. Secretly organizing treatment for a patient that was based abroad while working the craziness of the floor was more difficult than expected even for someone with Meredith's contacts. She had no idea how much longer they would be in the hospital before being discharged home without any answers. There was no way she would send them home without talking to them and time was running out.

No new messages. Lost in thought she starred at the elevator doors willing them to open.

"Hey," he whispered in her ear from behind.

Meredith turned around. He was wearing his navy scrubs like he did most of the time. The navy brought out the blue of his eyes – actually, anything blue accented his eyes. She could tell that he had just come out of surgery, his hair was all flat from wearing the scrub-cap for the hours. She knew that he would fix it as soon as he was in his office. She had never met a man that had such an extensive hair care routine. "Hey, I didn't hear you coming," she smiled.

"I noticed," Derek chuckled. "You were in surgery?"

"You wish," Meredith laughed, "No, I just delivered an update about the dumpster fire that is the surgical floor. Where are you going?"

"I'm going to grab a bite to eat." They stepped in together when the doors of the elevator opened with a ding.

"Lunch, lucky you," she commented. Derek turned around and leaned against the elevator railing to get some weight off his feet. Standing for hours was exhausting on the feet no matter how great the shoes or how fit the person. She walked closer to him resting her forehead on his chest, closing her eyes.

"How's it today?" he asked, wrapping his arms around her, relaxing his chin on her head.

"It's pouring," Meredith stated.

"I can see that. That's Seattle for you. You should have considered moving somewhere with a milder climate if you dislike the rain," he chuckled.

"I mean figuratively, Derek," she lifted her forehead of his chest to glare at him. The sound of her pager going off, underlined her statement. "Mhm, new record fifteen minutes without a page. I hate that thing. It's the stupidest invention of mankind. You should think that we have better communication methods by now."

"Like what?" Derek asked her to humor her.

"I don't know, maybe a device on which you could actually talk to people when they contact you. A device that is independent of your actual location. And rather than only getting a number paged so that you need to go looking for a phone to call them, you could just pick up and talk. We could call it a cordless phone or a cell phone."

"Someone should invent that," Derek laughed.

"I think they already did." Her pager went off again, she checked it.

"Seems urgent."

"It's a different number. As I said, it's pouring. No time for lunch, no time for charting, no time for anything, in part because Alex is AWOL," she sighed.

"Alex is AWOL, where is he?"

"If I knew he wouldn't be missing. It's not like he didn't come to work today. He just chooses to ignore our pages. I bet if Bailey pages him with a surgery he would come running. It doesn't really matter … no, actually it does but no time to think about it."

"Because it's pouring," Derek commented.

"You're catching on," Meredith teased. "How's your day?"

"It's only pouring in a literal sense. Nothing major to complain about as of yet. The surgery went great and after lunch, I have a mountain of paperwork to go through. Just another Wednesday in the office," he shrugged.

"What about the Mercy West thing?" Meredith wanted to know.

"Way to ruin my day," Derek groaned.

"Why should I be the only one having a bad day?" Meredith teased.

"It's not like I have stopped thinking about it since yesterday. There's a meeting later tonight, I should know more after."

"I know, you seem tense," Meredith spotted the tension that was there since last night. She was feeling it as well just not to this extend.

"I am. There are just so many unanswered questions."

"Mhm," she confirmed, "I'm curious when and how they will make the official announcement and what happens after."

"Those are just some of my questions," Derek sighed. "Somehow it'll be fine. We'll be fine."

"We'll be fine but what about everyone else? I'm not so sure about that."

"Unfortunately true. Have you put any more thought into your next steps?"

"One of the many things I haven't stopped thinking about since last night. I would like to have some sort of job perspective before I hand in my resignation. It's not the most rewarding job I'm doing here, but at least I have something to do," Meredith explained while her pager once again made itself noticed. "It's kind of hard to look for options when you haven't even time to drink, eat, or sit down."  
"I understand."

The elevator slowed down and came to a halt. Derek gently lifted her chin, so that her lips touched his for a quick kiss. She wanted to protest his public display of affection. Their relationship was still a secret and since his and Addison's fight yesterday he shouldn't be doing any of this within the walls of the hospital. He felt her reservation and pulled away with a smile. She couldn't help to grin, he made her feel like a pathetic emotional teenage girl. The doors of the elevator slid open on the surgical floor.

"Go put out your dumpster fire. There may be a hot bath waiting for you tonight. Maybe a bottle of wine and some dinner and a handsome boyfriend," he told her suggestively with a cheeky smile, while she walked onto the floor shaking her head.

* * *

"Alex, what the hell?!" Meredith called, startling him. Things on the floor had finally calmed down enough for her to go search for her co-intern. She was pissed that he had left her hanging all day without even pretending to care. The day would have been so much easier and less stressful if they had been able to divide and conquer. Meredith was ready to leave him hanging out to dry so that he exposed himself that he hadn't been involved in any of the actual patient care. However, she needed him to cover the floor so she could talk to Emma's parents. The floor couldn't be without a doctor and she needed some page-free time. So she had decided to be the bigger person and drag out whatever hole him to do his job. Which didn't mean she wasn't extremely pissed off. She had found him in the tunnels, sitting on a spare hospital bed, with books and papers scattered around him.

"What?" he asked, dropping a book on his lap.

"What, for real?!" Meredith was fuming. "You're on the clock, in case you've forgotten. There're patients you're responsible for, work to do, colleagues to support. Pages that need to be answered."

"I was in surgery," he shrugged, opening the book again.

"Bullshit! You've finished the appy, " she checked her watch, "Six hours ago And you've been AWOL since," Meredith called out, "Save yourself the energy and stop lying to me. While you're catching up on your reading, I've been on the floor picking up your slack. By the way, Ms. Ross is settled in a room for the last four hours, happily sucking on popsicles."

"Come on chill out, Meredith. It's not like there was anything surgical happening, it's not like I missed anything important."

"Being a surgeon is more than just swinging a scalpel. You better get that into that thick skull of yours real fast if you want to finish your residency. Patient care is just as important as knowing how to do the procedure. And you can not ignore pages. Under no circumstances. Never."

"Now you sound like Bailey. You seriously need to chill out," Alex rolled his eyes.

"Of course I sound like Bailey. This is the basis of working in a hospital – hell for keeping any job. You don't neglect your responsibility, even if you deem your responsibility as unworthy."

"I had other things to do, okay," Alex defended himself.

"What could possibly be more important than doing your job? Especially now," Meredith asked, still very much annoyed with him.

"Nothing of your concern."

"Really? Give me one solid reason why I shouldn't report you to Bailey or Rosenthal for today? I highly suspect that it's not the first time that you just disappeared. It's just the first time with limited staff so your absence was actually noticed. This could end fatally."

"You're not going to rat me out."

"Try me," Meredith challenged him, totally serious and it showed. " I have no problem going to either if I need to fear for the safety of the patients because you can't be bothered to show up. Do you even like being a doctor?" That question had done it, she witnessed his demeanor change. His tough-guy exterior crumbled and he became defeated.

"Of course I like being a doctor. But what's the point, if I have to stop being one soon anyway?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I tanked the progress exam and if I don't pass the re-do in two weeks I'm out," Alex admitted.

"So you skip work to study. Not the smartest strategy to keep your job here," Meredith snorted. "Why the hell didn't you say anything? We could have talked about it. I could have helped you. But instead, you decided the best course of action by yourself, exacerbating the situation."

"You could have helped me? How? You're the one who must have tanked it even more than me. Look at you, you haven't been in an OR for weeks. You're not even able to put on a band-aid without Bailey's permission or supervision. And you want to help me?" Alex snickered, his change of demeanor didn't last long.

"A little advice on the side, things are not always like they seem," Meredith stated and added: "Why are you so adamant to piss every one of who tries to offer you help? Why do you make your own life so hard? There are people who are more than willing to help and teach. But I've understood you don't need my help. Now get your lazy ass of this bed and get it up on the surgical floor or I swear to god. And if you think that I'm mad than just wait until you the wrath of the nurses."

* * *

After she had dragged Alex back to work, she had gone to the locker room to change. She couldn't change the fact that her lab coat was nameless and that it was way too big for her. But she could change the fact that she felt uncomfortable and less confident in her light-blue hospital-issued scrubs. She had an open love-hate relationship with those scrubs. Most of the time the machine gave her the wrong size. The pants were always several sizes big and with the tops she had a fifty-fifty chance of them either being too big or just right. They wrinkled easily and the material didn't hold its shape from being laundered so often. The only advantage was that she didn't have to wash them herself. It still felt wrong wearing them all day without being in surgery or working in the ER.

Meredith needed to be in the right headspace to have the incredibly difficult conversation with Emma's parents and if changing out of her scrubs did the trick she was more than happy to try. There was no such thing as being ready for this. She could prepare herself and be ready to give the parents all the support they needed to get through this. It was never easy and it never got easier. Avoiding the reality and shying away from the hurt she would cause didn't make it easier either. She couldn't back out, there was only one way and that was forward.

In the process of getting to this point, she had pissed off almost every department that had anything to do with Emma's care. She couldn't count how many 'no-s' she had heard today and how many times she had been transferred from one person to another – from department to department. She had been stunned by their unwillingness to think outside the protocol box. She had offered her help and her connections in coming up with a course of action. It had been indescribably frustrating that no one was willing to talk to the parents and that no one was feeling the same sense of responsibility that she felt.

Meredith didn't want to be the one to scatter their world, but if no one else was willing to do so she would have to step up. Because leaving them in the dark to have them run in an open knife back home was not an option for her. The family deserved answers, they deserved to know what they were up against. Knowing was better than not knowing.

She had worked with her Munich team. Together they had opened up options and had come up with a possible treatment plan that was ready to be implemented the moment they came back home, should they choose to do so. The final decision was with the parents, it wasn't her place to dictate what they should do or not do and where they should seek treatment. She only offered a lifeline, that they could hold onto should they decide they needed it.

Meredith stood in front of a conference room door. The very same one she had been in when she confronted Derek about Jamie back in September. Through the windows, she observed Leonie and her husband anxiously waiting for whoever was going to give them answers. Meredith could imagine what was going on in Leonie's head. As a physician, you know that being asked into a private room for a conversation never meant good news. Good news was shared openly, bad news, however, was given in private. There was no way of sugar-coating the fact.

Meredith's pager was turned to silent and safely stored in her coat pocket. The floor knew only to page her when things went very south. She needed all the support she could get. Liz had organized the room for her and getting them down here. She had asked if Meredith needed help after seeing her scramble to come up with a plan all day. Meredith suspected that Liz had her suspicions about her qualification, but had thankfully kept quiet.

One deep inhale before Meredith knocked on the door and opened it immediately after. The parents' heads turned to the door and Meredith gave them an encouraging smile, while she closed the door behind her.

"Dr. Grey, I wasn't expecting you," Leonie greeted her. She looked worse to wear than she had this morning. The waiting was getting to her, "Thank god for a familiar face. Are you joining us? We were told to come down here. I hope we'll finally get some answers."

"That's why I'm here," Meredith told her, "I'm going to talk to you about Emma. You must be Dad?" she greeted the man sat next to Emma's mother with a handshake. "I'm Dr. Grey."

"I've heard a lot about you, Dr. Grey. Emma couldn't stop talking about the stickers last night. I'm John."

"Emma's quite the chatterbox," Meredith placed her tablet and documents on the table and pulled out a chair opposite the couple.

"Oh yeah," Leonie agreed, "I thought you weren't on her case anymore."

"I'm not really – it's a long story but I believe that you deserve to get some answers before you'll be sent home. There has been a lot of chaos today and I apologize for that and that it has taken so long for someone to talk to you. To be honest I don't understand it myself. I can imagine how excruciating the last hours must have been, not knowing," Meredith told them honestly. "Is it okay if we continue the conversation in English? I'm more than happy to switch into German but I believe it is easier if we continue in the native language of the non-medical person."

"I appreciate that thank you," John looked at her gratefully.

"However, should any of you at any point need more information or an explanation just interrupt and ask. I know this can get quite overwhelming."

"Okay," they nodded. John took Leonie's hand into his.

"Good," Meredith prepared herself for the next part. "As you know I noticed some cranial nerve deficits in Emma's initial neuro exam yesterday. That's when I talked to you about the MRI. My attending didn't agree with my assessment and insisted on a lumbar puncture. The pathology report, unfortunately, showed abnormal cells in the CSF."

"Oh god!" Leonie gasped, close to tears.

"Abnormal means what?" John asked.  
"Abnormal means they detected a change in the cells that would suggest a malignancy somewhere in the central nervous system."

"So cancer cells?" John questioned.

"Yes," Meredith confirmed, "After the report, they ordered the MRI last night. Finding cancer cells in the spinal fluid most often is an indicator of a tumor in the brain or the spinal cord. Unfortunately, my initial suspicions were confirmed by the MRI and we did find a tumor on Emma's brain scan. I'm very sorry," Meredith told them, the tight heavy feeling of sadness in her chest becoming unignorable. Leonie's tears spilled over and John held on to her hand for dear life.

"Emma has a brain tumor?" he whispered.

"Yes, I'm so sorry. I know this must be really hard."

"Where?" Leonie inquired quietly.

"Unfortunately, it's a brainstem tumor," Meredith's voice was barely above a whisper by this point.

"Oh god!" the young mother couldn't control her sobs any longer. Meredith pushed the Kleenex box over the table.

"That's not good, is it?" John asked.  
"No, it's not. Emma has a tumor called diffuse intrinsic pontine glioma, also known as DIPG. It's the most common and most aggressive brainstem tumor in children. I am so, so very sorry." Meredith hated this part. She hated watching whoever she delivered bad news to break down in front of her.

"Where do we go from here? Chemo, surgery, radiation?" John asked trying to make sense of everything. He had been blindsided by the diagnosis.

"Surgery is not an option, honey," Leonie whispered, her tears falling freely. She had medical training and from the moment Emma's face had started drooping she had feared the worse. When Meredith had suggested the MRI she knew that her worse fears could be a possibility That it would be this devastating was even a shock to her.

"Why not?"

"Unfortunately surgery is really not an option. The location and the way the tumor grows makes it inoperable," Meredith pulled Emma's scans up on the tablet to give visualization to her explanation. "This is the brain stem and this is the tumor. It's called the pons, which controls breathing, balance, and other vital functions. One of the tumor's characteristics is that it grows diffuse. It basically means that the growth is not well contained and the tumor cells grow into other tissues," Meredith had turned her tablet towards them and was circling the tumor with a pen. "Chemo is also not really an option either. To be honest it just makes the kids more miserable and the effectiveness couldn't be proven. Treating brain cancer with chemotherapy is very tricky and almost always non-effective because of the blood-brain barrier," Meredith clarified, "Standard of care right now is radiation therapy to shrink the tumor and stall its growth. I'm going, to be honest with you. DIPG is known to be one of the most devastating pediatric brain tumors. Unfortunately, there is no cure and treatment only buys time. In the end, the tumor will be fatal. However, people are researching the tumor and are working on new treatments. In the last decade, treatment quality has significantly improved. Right now there are trials in the clinical phase, that Emma could be enrolled in if you chose so. There's not a lot of hope but it isn't entirely hopeless either," Meredith detected pure despair on their faces. This was the hardest part of the jobs. The lows were just so incredibly low.

"How long do we have?" Leonie cleared her throat.

"As you know, answering this question is not an exact science. We heavily rely on data and statistics. Every case is different, just like every child is different, please keep that in mind. Statistically, the median life expectancy after the initial diagnosis is eight to eleven months. The two-year survival rate is about ten percent," Meredith told them sadly. She had known that the life-expectancy was short and a survival rate was almost nonexistent. Researching the actual numbers for this conversation was outright depressing.

"Those are not good odds," John choked out.

"No, they're not. I'm so sorry," the young doctor confirmed compassionately.

Now was the part of the meeting where she let the information sink in. Their brains needed some time to process. Continuing giving them data and talking about the treatment would only overwhelm them more than they already were. So she kept quiet, gave them some time, and waited for the questions that were going to come.

"How did I miss this?" Leonie broke the silence.

"You didn't. You caught it, you went to the ER when you noticed the changes, you did everything right. DIPG presents suddenly without warning. One day everything is fine and the next there's a significant change. Like the facial weakness or a lazy eye or the kid loses their balance and the day before they were doing cartwheels. Almost every parent can name the specific day the symptoms started. You can't blame yourself," Meredith told her earnestly.

"Okay. What do we do now?" Leonie questioned desperately.

"Today you will take Emma home and then you'll try to celebrate Thanksgiving with your family to the best of your abilities. I'm going to prescribe her steroids that will help until you can be seen by her team. You'll meet with the multidisciplinary team that will take care of Emma's needs through this all. They will be the ones who know all the specifics and play by play. Radiation will be the first treatment step. It will shrink the tumor significantly and some of the symptoms should subside at first. The tumor grows very rapidly and at some point, radiation can't keep up. At some point, the side effects will outweigh the benefits. Then you'll need to think about trail options. Some trails test different drug combinations or medical devices. I'm sure you know this," Meredith looked at Leonie, "but some of the big trails are only available at certain hospitals or in certain countries. For Emma, there could be a promising option. It could be that Emma might need a tumor biopsy. This is the purely medical and research side of the team, their main focus is the tumor. And then there is Emma's side. Their main focus is quality of life so that Emma can do what she wants to do for as long as possible. This might mean different kinds of therapies, like speech, physical or occupational, or making sure her eyesight is okay or organizing help for school. Whatever might come up. This is just a rough overview," Meredith explained.

"This seems great, but we don't live in Seattle. What do we do? How do we get an appointment with a specialist in Munich?" John wanted to know. The heartbreak was visible on his face.

"I'm sorry, I forgot to mention, this is not the Seattle plan, this is the Munich plan. This morning I sent over the scans to Dr. Beck, who is the DIPG specialist in Munich. I used to work with him and we talked about Emma's case. He's part of the childhood brain tumor team at the lmu. Whenever you come back home you'll have an appointment with the team to talk about the specifics. As soon as Emma is discharged I'll send over Emma's medical record – with your permission of course. That will just simplify some things and you'll be less likely to run some test twice."

"How?" John blurted out, "Sorry. This is all very overwhelming and the thought of having to get an appointment in Munich even with Leo's connections …"

"You don't need to apologize. I can imagine, that's why I'm here to talk to you. Until a couple of months ago I used to work in Munich. I have direct access to get you in there. I want you to know that the final decision is yours. You know what's best for Emma and your family. Go to the appointment listen to what they have to say and then talk about it."

Leonie nodded, she seemed grateful for the lifeline. Like most parents who were in this situation, she was still processing the news. "What are we going to tell Emma?"

"I always tell my patients' parents the same thing. You know your child best. You know them, you know how much information they can handle, you know how to talk to them and you know what you want to tell them. I also tell them that kids know that something going on and that protecting them from the truth is hurting them. Their body is affected by the tumor, they have trouble seeing or hearing or doing simple everyday tasks that were easy before. They need to know, why they need to go to the hospital or why they are in pain all the time. You'll figure out what to tell Emma and Eloise. It doesn't need to be today or tomorrow, you are allowed to grieve and feel," Meredith told them, "Any of this is easy."

* * *

Derek had just come out of the most frustrating meeting with the Chief. None of his questions were answered and instead, he had added about one hundred new ones to his list. He had packed up his belongings and was heading home for the night. The paperwork could be done at the kitchen table with a cold beer or a big glass of wine. He had rented an Airbnb over Thanksgiving and the weekend for Meredith and himself since her roommates would be off work and at home the entire time. Meredith knew that he was planning something but she didn't know the actual plan.

He stepped off the elevator on the surgical floor. He didn't know why he had no patients on the floor and he could have easily texted her the address of their home away from home. He liked seeing her work, it fascinated him. There was still so much that he didn't know about her, daily he was blindsided by her intelligence. Most of the time she was unaware of her brilliance. She was so used to people around her knowing her that she didn't even realize that her behavior was very unusual. Derek knew that by going to the surgical floor to sneak in a private conversation with her would get him in trouble later tonight. She took the 'keeping things separated' rule very seriously and he didn't, which annoyed her greatly. It was part of the fun.

Meredith usually sat in the office behind the nurses' station, doing her charting and reading highly complicated research papers about things he'd never heard about. But she wasn't there today. Alex sat there with an unimpressed expression, apparently, he had reappeared.

From across the nurses' station, he spotted her in the very same conference room she had confronted him about Jamie. Meredith sat there with two people. The couple looked very concerned as if someone had just told them very bad news.

Derek had an idea who they might be. The scans had passed through him earlier today. He didn't know any specifics other than the scans had been bad. He had seen her name on the chart. He had heard the complaints about her from one of his surgeons. He could have bet that she would be taking on the task that no one else was willing to do. It hadn't even surprised him that she hadn't told him about it earlier when they had talked. Meredith never asked for help.

"Where the hell is, Grey?" he heard Dr. Bailey approach the nurses' station. Derek knew all about Meredith's and Bailey's professional quarrel. He had to agree with Meredith, professionally it wasn't right for Bailey to punish her for something that had no evidence for. However, he still liked Dr. Bailey, she was a special one. "Oh, hell no! What does she think she's doing? She's not supposed to talk to patients without a resident present," the small Dr. pushed herself past Derek, her destination the conference room.

Derek put out his arm to stop her. "Don't," he said with conviction.

"What?" she turned around to stare at him.

"I said, don't. You can yell at her after, you can ban her from the OR for another year or you could cut her some slack and watch."

"What's that supposed to mean? She left and then she came back, and then she didn't give me a reason for her disappearance and then she cheated. She left you hanging Shepherd," Bailey protested.  
"I know, and she had her reasons for leaving so suddenly. I'm not saying that the way she left was the right way. All I'm saying is, don't go in there. This is the worse day of their lives, we should allow them to have this moment in privacy with someone who knows how to be there for them."

Bailey opened her mouth to fire back a responds, but closed it back up when she watched Meredith embracing the woman tightly, who had tears running down her cheek. They couldn't hear what Meredith was saying they could just see her mouth moving while she hugged the devastated woman.

"You know she's not a doctor, despite what you may think

* * *

8/22/20

It's been a while. I'm sorry. This chapter was really hard to write and life took over. It's summer and I try to enjoy the most of it. Mostly socially distanced with mask but still - it's summer. I hope you liked it.

I'm truly speechless about the responses I got for the last chapter. I love reading all your reviews1 Thank you so much!

The next chapter might be a while just as a warning, it's coming but I don't know how much time I'll have. And I like my chapters long and detailed - I really like to continue down that path.

Please stay healthy and happy! Thank you for reading and drop me a review, bye!


	15. Chapter 15 - SeaTac

**Chapter 15 - SeaTac**

Meredith involuntarily had been to a lot of retirement homes in her life. Working as a Notarzt inevitably got her called to at least one nursing home per shift. She had seen her fair share –the good, the bad, the pretty and the ugly – and had soon decided that she would never voluntarily move in such a facility. They had known by address alone which were the good places and which were depressing to an almost dehumanizing degree.

Nowadays she spent several hours a week visiting her mother. She had to admit, she had never seen a home such as Roseridge in Munich. It was an American thing. The property was extremely nice and well kept, the building felt like a high-end resort, the nursing staff was lovely and very competent, her mother's room was modern and could be personalized with own pieces of furniture, linens, and décor – the possibilities were endless. And yet it was still a nursing home. A nursing home that focused on dementia patients. The windows were locked and the doors to the outside world could only be opened with a code – a very simple code. The sad reality was that by the time most residents moved to Roseridge, their dementia had progressed to the point that even the simplest six-digit code was too difficult to remember. Knives, scissors, candles, matches, or lighters were all locked away and all potentially dangerous liquids and substances were forbidden. The building was childproof. All those measures were sadly necessary to keep its residents safe. It was essentially a very nice prison with a very high price tag.

Meredith pretended to stare out the window, wondering why she came. Her mother sat across from her at the table in the window nook of the common area. Ellis had a stack of papers in front of her. Old medical flies and research notes that Meredith had brought her. Meredith knew her mother, she knew what her true passion was – medicine. While other loved ones brought their family members their favorite books or made photobooks, Meredith brought her mother medical journals or printed research off the internet. What kind of information Ellis retained shocked Meredith every time. Ellis was able to have a full in-depth conversation about general surgery or the human anatomy but wasn't able to recall a single personal memory from the last fifteen years.

It was emotionally draining to sit with her mother pretending to be someone else every visit – to give everything and never get anything in return. Since the diagnosis Meredith had read a lot of research on Alzheimer's, she had talked to experts, all to understand her mother's disease better. She had gained a lot of knowledge that frighted her on one hand and on the other put her a little at ease. Medically she understood, she knew what neurodegenerative meant, what it looked like on an MRI, what kind of disease progression she could expect, and how it would end someday. As a daughter, she had a hard time adjusting to the new reality. That this was it, that her mother didn't know who she was anymore, that Ellis was stuck in some past reality that Meredith wasn't a real part of. That the last eleven years that they had spent separated by an ocean would be the best years they ever had together – the only years they shared some mutual understanding. That she would most likely never have an honest, insightful conversation with her mother again.

It was pitch black outside. Instead of watching the rain pattering on the branches of the many trees outside, Meredith was watching the other occupants of the common room in the reflection of the window while she pretended to listen to her mother's monologue. There was the husband who came every day to read to his wife, sometimes he came with one of his kids or grandkids. There was the daughter who came every Thursday afternoon with freshly baked goods to visit her father. Every day he had a different visitor, someone to sit with him to talk and keep him company. There was the woman who always drew when Meredith came to visit. From time to time, a group of older ladies sat with her – all they ever did was paint together. She never talked. She seemed content with her art. There was the man, with the loud deep voice who liked to tell the same stories over and over again. His eyes lit up when his teenage grandson came to visit to play Yahtzee with him. There was the revolving group of residents who always sat together to drink tea or coffee and talk. They never shared the same conversation topic and talked past each other. It was very amusing to watch, but neither seemed to care much.

And then there was Ellis, who in her mind was still the great two times Harper Avery Award-winning surgeon, published author, and authority figure. She liked to order people around, argue with them, and give them random unsolicited medical advice. She had a couple of failed escape attempts, she liked to refuse to eat or take her meds. She had stolen statoscopes and other medical supplies from the nurses when they weren't looking and in general, was a very complicated resident with a tendency to be combative. Above all she was lonely. While most other residents had a revolving cast of visitors, Ellis' only visitor was Meredith.

The visits became more and more emotionally draining for the young doctor. She never knew what she walked into. Her mother needed the visits for her mental health and Meredith graved a break from the visits to keep herself mentally healthy.

Today was no different. It had started as every time she came to visit. Ellis assumed who Meredith was, gave her a name and Meredith had to figure out her assigned role for the day. Sometimes she was a subordinate, a friend, a colleague, a friendly colleague, a patient, or just someone unspecific that she would tell whatever was on her mind. Today Meredith's role wasn't clearly defined, the conversation had shifted at some point. Away from the mundane work meeting to an honest conversation between two friends. The topic made Meredith very uncomfortable. For the last twenty minutes, Ellis had been talking about her affair with Richard in terrifying detail and had been dishing out her marital problems.

Meredith had never lost too much sleep over why her dad had left and why he had stopped caring about her. From the moment Meredith had moved to Boston her life had been anything but normal, not having her dad around was just another part of it. Of course, she had wondered and had asked questions but had never received any satisfying answer. The topic of her father and Seattle had become a tabu. Over time she got used to the feeling of being left behind and forgotten. It became part of her childhood just as having a new au pair in the house every year.

Meredith had tried not to dwell on the past and had put all her energy into building a better brighter future for herself. However, over the last few months, Ellis had kept bringing up Meredith's early childhood revealing more and more pieces of the bigger picture, which neither painted her mother nor Richard as saints. Today was especially hard.

There had been a lot of victims, her father, Richard's wife, partly even her mother, but the biggest of all had been Meredith herself. She had been an innocent child who had become a playball in a petty adult drama game. She had seen things that no child should have ever seen. She had watched her mother try to take her life, had watched her pass out before she had called 911. She remembered that day like it was yesterday. She remembered hearing her mother cry herself to sleep every night for weeks. She remembered the time her mother had been a shell of herself for months. She remembered walking home alone from the bus stop as a kindergartener back in Seattle, using the key under the doormat to let herself in because Ellis has forgotten to pick her up. She remembered worrying about her when she didn't show. She remembered her first day of first grade in Boston when Ellis had forgotten to pick her up and she had sat with her teacher for two additional hours after school had ended. She remembered the nights in Boston when she had climbed into Anna's bed because she had been woken up by nightmares again. Meredith remembered everything, but Ellis didn't. Ellis remembered the good things, how amazing it had been sneaking around with Richard and she told her about it – all of it. The more pieces of the bigger picture Ellis revealed the angrier Meredith became.

"… anyways, Thatcher isn't a very smart or observant man. I don't understand what I ever saw in that man. I come home with the biggest, most visible hickey on my neck and he says or does nothing. I smell like Richards aftershave and he ignores it. Could I be more obvious? But he remains oblivious. How can I stay with a man like him? How I ever agreed to marry him. He has no attractive qualities what so ever, I don't know what I was thinking. I'm going to leave him and Richard is going to leave Adele and we are going to begin a new life…", Ellis continued to monologize.

What had transpired all those years ago became clearer and clearer. Her mother hadn't been heartbroken because her father had abandoned them. She had been heartbroken because Richard hadn't left his wife for her. She had been heartbroken because she had gambled that he would, but he hadn't. Most of Meredith's childhood trauma had been rooted in a single decision Ellis had made. She had willingly cheated on her husband – the father of her child – with her married co-resident and couldn't accept the consequences when everything didn't turn out as she had wanted.

Those revelations had opened up some old already – with a lot of therapy – healed wounds for Meredith. Not only did she have to deal with those, but she also had to face Richard regularly who acted as nothing had ever happened. Instead, he treated her differently, almost fatherly. Meredith was looking forward to the moment when she finally put Seattle Grace in her past.

"… I should have left him years ago, but then I got pregnant. I never really wanted kids, they make so much work. Now I'm stuck with Meredith. I should have …" Ellis continued.

Meredith glanced at her watch, and let out a breath in relief. She grabbed her keys and her phone off the table and stood up. It was a reasonable time to leave for work and she had no desire to hear that her existence had been a giant inconvenience to her mother. She already knew that. Ellis' actions had spoken loud enough. Meredith didn't need a verbal confirmation for something she had felt her entire life. Especially with all the progress, they had made over the past years.

"What are you doing?" Ellis asked a little taken aback by Meredith's sudden move for departure. "We're in the middle of a meeting, you can't just get up and leave."

"Mom, I need to go to work," Meredith exhaled loudly. She knew the conversation that would follow.

"Mom? My daughter is just a kid, you're lying."

"No, Mom I'm not lying. I am Meredith – your daughter. Everything you just told me is in the past," she took her mom's hand in hers and squeezed it reassuringly. She couldn't count how many times she had said those exact words in the last five months.

Ellis looked at her thoughtfully tilting her head to the side. "If you're my daughter then you grew up," she stated after a while.

"Yes, I did," Meredith confirmed with a small sad smile. "I need to go to work now, but I'll come back to see you soon. Good night, Mom," she squeezed her hand again before turning around and leaving the nursing home and her mother behind. This was all the affection she could muster after what she had learned today.

In her car, she took a minute to collect herself before she drove to work. Meredith felt the need to talk to someone, to offload the learned intel to someone else. The pool of people that knew all details about her personal situation was small. The people she usually turned to in those situations were sound asleep in their beds, thousands of kilometers east and the other person who had recently become her biggest confidante was in New York to move his divorce forward, get some things in order and visit his mother before Christmas. Derek had left early Monday night and would be returning Sunday afternoon. Most nights of his trip he had been roped in some form of activity. Instead of calling she sent him a quick text, besides she was still low-key annoyed with him. It had been their first real big fight since becoming a couple.

* * *

_"I just don't understand why, Derek," Meredith closed the passenger car door a little harder than necessary. She opened the back door to the laundry room and kicked off her shoes and threw her winter coat on the washer for storage. They had just come back from dinner. All-day Meredith had tried to not be bothered by her sudden schedule change. However, the more she thought about it the bigger her annoyance grew. She didn't want to provoke a fight, especially since work had been more than stressful for both of them over the last week. In the car on their way back from the restaurant, Derek had asked if something was bothering her which had opened the floodgates. "I really do not get why I'm back on your neurosurgery service all of the sudden and why I had to be blindsided by an email when you've been with me all weekend. The least you could have done is warn me. Lock the door, please."_

_"It slipped my mind, I'm sorry. You've seen how it is at the hospital right now. It is absolute chaos. Two of my third years have interviews with different programs next week. The for sure fellow withdrew his application. Hell, even Smith and Hide are openly looking for new jobs that aren't with Seattle Grace. And they all legally can because of that stupid contract clause. I'm leaving for New York tomorrow and the department is on fire. I have a full OR schedule but no staff," Derek argued._

_"I know the situation, Derek. I've been working under the same conditions all week. That doesn't explain how I ended up on neurosurgery again. I can only imagine two scenarios of how this transpired. The first one is that I begged Bailey that I need another chance with neurosurgery. Second is that a certain someone broke his promise, went behind my back, and requested me. Since I would remember if scenario number one happening, I am going to ask you again: Why?"_

_"At the moment I thought it was a good idea. I needed another intern and I requested you because then I at least don't need to worry about what you might do when unattended. I know that the patients are safe. I'm sorry that I went behind your back, Mer. I know that you don't want to work for me. I won't be there almost all week and I don't know if you still work at Seattle Grace when I return," Derek followed her into the kitchen._

_"Hold on! You're mixing up two different things here. One thing is that I don't want to work for you, because I won't work for my boyfriend or I won't sleep with my boss …"_

_"And I accepted your reasoning and your decision, that's why I've stopped asking you about it," Derek interrupted. "It's a maximum of two weeks, Mer, I just don't understand what the big deal is? It's neurosurgery. Your specialty. Just a week ago you moved mountains for that little girl with the DIPG, stepped on toes, and ignored any kind of boundaries or procedures…"_

_"Do you think it was fun to play phone tag to get answers, cancel prematurely scheduled appointments and be the one who steps up while trying to take care of fifteen other patients? Do you think I had fun telling the parents that their daughter is most likely never going to see her seventh birthday? I stepped up because no one else was willing to break the news to them. Because everyone else was passing on their responsibility to someone else. It's my job. It's not my fault that I'm in the position that I'm in and that these cases seem to fall into my lab. What am I supposed to do? Ignore my education and turn a blind eye?" Meredith grabbed a glass out of the cabinet and filled it with water, "And if you wouldn't have interrupted me, I would have told you that this isn't about working for you for two weeks. I'm more than willing to jump in and help out wherever my services are needed. I would have appreciated if you had asked me before you decided for me. I would have appreciated if we could have had an adult conversation about it, to figure out the logistics. Because how things are now Derek, I'm going to be just another intern on your service." Meredith grabbed her phone out of her purse and the water glass and walked out of the kitchen. She angrily made her way up the stairs to her bedroom. They were lucky that neither Izzie nor George were home yet._

_Derek followed her: "What are you talking about? You are a neurosurgeon."_

_"Not according to the American Board of neurosurgery and not at Seattle Grace, Derek. I'm an intern. An intern. I have a residency contract. I'm a glorified scut monkey. I can't control anything, I'm at the bottom of the command chain. Here is you," she put up a hand to demonstrate his position, "And here is me on the Seattle Grace neurosurgery chain," her hand went about two feet below her initial position. "And between that, there are the attending surgeons, the fellows, the senior residents, and all junior residents. Skill-wise and knowledge-wise I would be up there with you but the reality is that I have nothing to say. My word counts for nothing in those hospital walls especially when you're not there. I was once again shown that when I tried to order an MRI for Emma and not be taken seriously by anyone on your staff. I've completed my residency and my fellowship in neurosurgery, I'm writing my habilitation, I've published more than 90% of your staff and you force me to be an intern on my specialty for two weeks because it makes you feel better. It's selfish and inconsiderate, Derek," She looked at him with a dead serious face, before walking into the adjoined bathroom, closing the door behind her, signaling him not to follow. _

_Derek was dumbstruck, he hadn't thought about it like that. He let himself sink onto the mattress, blankly staring at the bathroom door, desperately trying to figure something out to rectify the situation._

_Quite a while later she opened the bathroom door again, dressed in an oversized t-shirt and long-sleeved pajama pants. Her face said everything he needed to know: she was still very pissed._

_Derek opened his mouth to say something. "Save it," Meredith stopped him with a stern face._

_"I'm going to ask Bailey for another intern, tomorrow," Derek continued regardless._

_"I said save it," Meredith annunciated, "And you will do no such thing. You will not request someone else after you specifically asked for me. You asking for me is already suspicious, you changing your mind is …" she exhaled loudly. Meredith sat down on her side of the bed, turning her back to him. She put on a pair of fussy socks._

_Derek waited for her to finish her sentence but when nothing came he went to get ready for bed himself. When he returned she had built a giant pillow wall in the middle of the bed. Her bedside light was already turned off. He rolled his eyes but was glad that she hadn't kicked him out yet. He slipped under the covers and turned off his light as well. The evening had taken a disastrous turn._

_"I think this would constitute a situation where you would have to sleep on the couch. Given the roommate situation, I don't think that is a good idea. I could make you sleep on the floor but I'm not a monster. Just know that I'm very furious and that I highly advise against crossing the pillow wall in any way, shape, or form," Meredith said into the darkness._

_"Mer, I am very sorry. I wasn't thinking," Derek apologized again._

_"I hope you weren't," Meredith snorted, "You are putting me into an impossible situation," she stated. There was silence for a while and Derek thought that she had officially stopped talking to him when she continued. "An impossible situation. What the hell were you thinking? What am I supposed to do if there is a Munich situation? I took an oath, Derek, I may have taken the oath in a different language than you, but I still took the same oath."_

_"Munich situation?" Derek asked carefully._

_"Remember Alyssa? When we brought her in and all available neurosurgeons were in surgery and I made the call that a resident should start the procedure to save her life. I was questioned about that decision in Houston by the family's lawyers, they were looking for a malpractice law suit. I was protected then. What if there's a similar situation while I'm working. What if there is a neurosurgical emergency with any patient and the on-call surgeon is in surgery and it takes ages for another one to come in? What am I supposed to do then? Should I use all my knowledge to save their lives and potentially cause a lot of legal trouble for you and me because I overstepped my contractual limitations? Or should I continue playing dumb and neglect my oath – potentially endangering my license as well? What if I catch my resident making a gross mistake? Should I step in or should I follow the protocol for those situations and lose valuable time. It's an impossible situation, I can't just turn off my training. All those months I tried my hardest to avoid being in described situations. I tried to avoid being the teacher, I tried to not be a leader, I tried to not be in situations where I need to be the surgeon, the neurosurgeon, the one that decides. And it is hard – so incredibly hard. I almost made it to the finish line, there is light at the end of the tunnel. And then you decide for me how I should spend my last weeks at Seattle Grace. Nights, Derek, nights. You backstabbed me. Never ever make a professional decision for me ever again." Meredith turned her back to him._

_Derek had silently listened to what Meredith had to say and the more he heard the more he understood how he had seriously fucked up. For him, it had been simply about making sure, that there was someone he could trust while he was gone. Ever since the announcement things were constantly changing in his department, people called in sick on short notice and he had the feeling that the work ethic would be down as soon as he'd leave. There were too many uncertainties with the upcoming merger and too many jobs available for neurosurgical staff in the state of Washington. He trusted Meredith. He had never considered the actual logistics of his request and in what impossible situation he was putting her._

_xxx_

_Meredith stood in Derek's OR with her arms crossed watching the screen intently. For months Derek had been raving about his new 'toy' that he had secured funding for – it had finally arrived. The exoscope was impressive. It was a high-definition hybrid optical instrument between an operative microscope and an endoscope. It was one of the bigger developments of the neurosurgical medical devices in the last years and allowed better visualization and faster less invasive surgeries. That Derek had been able to secure the device for the neurosurgery department, lead Seattle Grace into the innovative neurosurgical age._

_The surgery was an event, everyone who had been able to clear their schedules had come to watch the initiation of the exoscope. Meredith was still uncomfortable with so many unnecessary people being in the operating room or the galleries, watching, regardless if the surgery had a significance to their field or not. The fact that Cristina – who had married cardio before starting her residency – was standing next to her unnerved Meredith, but then nothing at Seattle Grace was normal anymore._

_The surgery shouldn't be a PR event for the exoscope or the neurosurgical department. In Meredith's opinion should the primary focus be on the patient and secondary on teaching the residents, especially if all team-members were rather inexperienced with the new device. What gave her some reassurance was that she knew that Derek had operated with the device before and he like her knew the limitations and potential drawbacks. Meredith had been operating under the assistance of the exoscope for over a year now. She loved it and it had opened some doors for her, especially with peds. However, it wasn't so foolproof that the traditional operative microscope could be replaced by the new technology. It came down to the surgeon's choice._

_Meredith didn't know if she had chosen this particular surgery to show off the device to the entire hospital. The patient was a young woman in her mid-twenties who's low-grade glioma that had been growing for years. The history alone made Meredith more nervous about potential unexpected surprises. Low-grade gliomas were relatively harmless but could develop into a much more aggressive form of a glioma rather quickly. The patient had presented to the clinic with years' worth of scans that showed consistent tumor growth since her teenage years. That the patient had been advised against surgery for so long was a debatable call in Meredith's professional opinion._

_While everyone was fascinated by the apparatus, its high-resolution imagines, and visualization capabilities, Meredith was intently watching every step of the low-grade glioma resection on the screen. She closely observed them cut the snotty like tumor off the adjacent area. While operating Derek taught those who not only came for the device. He explained the difference between tumor and white matter consistency while instructing his team._

_Throughout the procedure he let different people step up closer to watch and ask questions. His teaching had come a long way since Meredith had last interacted with him professionally – she had to be so fair and give him that. He had grown into his role as a teacher and mentor and was far more confident with instructing and listening to his students. This new side of him was doing something for her. Which was very confusing because he wasn't in her good graces. Even though they had woken up in the same bed this morning she hadn't been talking to him since last night and wasn't planning to anytime soon. She couldn't even pinpoint what she was feeling, too many emotions were running through her body. All the way from feeling anger because he had disregarded her feelings to being nervous about being forced back into the only specialty she really didn't want to revisit as an intern and betrayal that her choice had been taken away from her from a person she trusted._

_Meredith furrowed her brow at the screen. The white matter didn't look like healthy white matter. It could be the margin or it could be low-grade glial cells that had migrated from the original tumor. It concerned her. From where Meredith stood, there was no way of getting a clear image. The crease on her forehead became deeper._

_"You know it's freaky, right?" Christina whispered._

_"What's freaky?"_

_"You staring at that screen for three hours not moving an inch," she commented._

_Meredith shrugged, her gaze still on the monitor in her line of vision. She needed to address her concern._

_"What is it?" Cristina asked._

_"From here it looks like tumor. It could be the angle and it's just margin," Meredith answered in a low voice._

_"That's it, tumor is out. We're about done here," Derek announced triumphantly._

_"It looks like regular white matter to me," Cristina replied more loudly which earned her an 'are-you-kidding-me' look from Meredith._

_"Can I help you, ladies? Do you have any unanswered questions?" Derek asked looking at them._

_"Oh, we were just discussing the possibility of low-grade glial cells migrating to the white matter and what that would potentially look like. And if there would be a distinct visual difference between margin and affected white matter," Meredith answered nonchalantly looking him straight in the eyes, challenging him. The ball was in his corner now. She could feel the eyes from a lot of people on her._

_"Any specific reason why this discussion came up?" Derek asked._

_"That depends," Meredith shrugged._

_"Depends on what?"_

_"On whether Cristina's or my interpretation holds ground. Because I think that the visual distinction can be quite minimal and unexpected tumor growth could potentially be mistaken as margin. But then again I'm only seeing the image on the monitor and you know how angles, lighting can mess with images," Meredith explained, sending him a clear message._

_"True visually it can be quite hard to make the distinction. Would it help if you took a closer look?" Derek asked, surprising his resident who stood next to him._

_"That would be great," Meredith stepped up to the open brain and looked at it. It had been two weeks since she had been in Richmond to perform surgery._

_"What do you think now? Is it any clearer in person?" Derek inquired after a while._

_"I think that it could be both. It could very well be just different looking margin, it could very well be tumor," Meredith answered and then added lowly so that only he could hear her: "It looks too much like tumor to not be tumor." _

_"You're right, it could be both," Derek said while manipulating the area where he had just taken the tumor out. He was still unconvinced. "What if it's just margin," he added quietly. _

_Meredith watched his hands, whispering: "Look, it is far too snotty to be margin. This is classic low-grade glioma consistency. It's almost textbook."_

_"We mapped out the tumor, we took everything out."_

_"This tumor has been growing for almost eight years, surprises were kind of guaranteed," Meredith argued quietly. For anyone watching it looked like that Derek was looking at the surgical site and Meredith was watching him do so._

_"Right … If we take out more we potentially cause weakness … if we don't the tumor could come back … What do you suggest?"_

_"I would send another a deep freeze sample to path and have them look at. Keep her under until you get the result back and in case go in deeper and take out more. You could even let them begin the closing process in case I'm wrong. You talked to the family about doing a supramaximal resection. I would weigh on the side of caution. Temporary weakness compared to the risks of leaving undetected glioma cell behind …" Meredith suggested quietly._

_"Let's do that. I'm going to trust you on this one," Derek sighed deeply in agreement. "We'll need to send another sample to pathology for analysis," he announced to the room._

_"Are you sure, Doc?" the resident asked, eyeing Meredith suspiciously. "Because I don't see it, to be honest." Which earned Derek an 'I-told-you-so' look from Meredith._

_"Yes, I'm sure. Dr. Grey is right, it's ambiguous. We are going to err on the side of caution because the risks of leaving potential tumor cells behind could be catastrophic," Derek replied with certainty._

_"Whatever you say," the resident commented._

_"Dr. Shepherd, it was good talking to you. Have a safe trip," Meredith told Derek quietly._

_"Likewise, Dr. Grey."_

* * *

Meredith had been right, the latest sample had shown the same pattern of not evenly spaced glial cells, suggesting that it had in fact been more tumor. For the deeper resection, Meredith hadn't been in the OR. She had been called to her intern duties in the neuro ICU. Since then her anger towards him had faded a little and she had sporadically replied to his texts that he had sent her regularly. She appreciated his updates and that he seemed to understand that she needed some space and time. At some point over the last couple of days, she had started to send him trivial updates as well. It was weird that he wasn't there, she had gotten so used to him always being around that she kind of missed his presence in her bed. Meredith was glad that they had some forced time apart, it gave her time to focus on herself and some decisions. However, she was already looking forward to their reunion to tell him about the progress she had made.

All week she was working nights which gave her lots of time during the day to do other things. She preferred days, as the kind of person who couldn't really catch up on lost sleep during the day, no matter how much she tried, night shifts could be brutal. Instead of forcing herself to sleep, she used the days to be productive in other ways. The drawback was that the accumulated sleep deprivation made her less patient and far more cranky. On day four of night shifts, she was getting there.

Compared to other rotations she had been on during her time at Seattle Grace this one was rather uncomplicated. She took care of the all neurosurgical patients that were admitted to the hospital, consulted on all kind of neuro cases that came into the ER or occurred on the floor during the night. She did neurological trauma assessments and charted a lot.

If it hadn't been for the merger announcement that had dropped the Monday after Thanksgiving she would be bored. But the announcement had changed the entire hospital dynamic keeping her very busy with not directly job-related tasks.

The messaging had been unclear and had lacked in detail. The administration's email to their employees had announced the establishment of Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital coming January first. The notice had stated that future staff reduction was inevitable and that the new hospital would be undergoing fundamental restructuring of all established services.

Most employees had been blindsided by the news. The economic situation in the city and state was good, the demand for health care in the community was big, both hospitals were making money. There was no obvious reason for the merger. However, neither Seattle Grace nor Mercy West was one of the bigger players in the city and with the merger they would move up in the ranking, guaranteeing more patients and a bigger part of the pie. It was always about the money.

Uncertainty and anxiety were high amongst the staff. Some had already quit, others had reported sick, others were openly looking for new positions. Some doctors were talking about jumping ship. Residents had started looking for available residency positions elsewhere. Fellowship applicants had withdrawn their applications.

The interns had collectively decided that never going home would secure their jobs. While almost everyone else was able to apply for new jobs in case they would be directly affected by the job cuts, interns were stuck in the system for another six months. No one hired interns mid-year, they either had to survive the cuts or start over. They camped out in the tunnels, only ate cafeteria or vending machine food, showered in the locker room, and were always there needed or not. Most of them were nearing a mental breakdown with all the uncertainty. That no one had directly communicated to the interns was just aggravating the situation. Meredith had never witnessed anything comparable to this. It was absolute mayhem.

Cristina was torn between being overly confident and freaking out. She had initiated the not going home initiative and took it to the extreme. George was questioning every decision he had made that lead him to Seattle Grace and into medicine, Izzie spread rumors like it was her job and Alex acted like he couldn't be bothered by the entire situation. However, Meredith knew that he was freaking out just as much as any of the others. He hadn't said in so many words but the fact that he had asked her for help studying for his exam after the announcement had been released, said enough. For the last ten days, Meredith had been tutoring him whenever they had a free minute. He could actually be a quite pleasant person if he didn't choose to be an asshole instead. Knowledge wasn't his biggest problem, he was sloppy, unfocused, and liked to cut corners. He lacked in precision and was chaotic in most of his procedures. He had learned to hide his insecurities and shortcomings behind a wall of standoffish and irresponsible behaviors.

They had run into some hick-ups at first but had figured out a system at last. Alex's repeat exam would be tomorrow, making today the last night of getting ready. Tutoring Alex had reignited Meredith's desire for sharing her knowledge with med students and residents.

For once scheduling had worked out perfectly and Alex had been working nights as well. He was covering a different service though. They had migrated into a skills lab, where he practiced his skills and studied. Normally Meredith would use this time to get caught up on paperwork or do something productive like study for the oral board exam, write on her habilitation, or read journals. After today's visit with her mother, she didn't feel like doing anything productive at all. Her tablet rested on her thighs, her legs at an angle, and her feet propped up on a second chair in front of her. She unenthusiastically scrolled through a medical apparel website on the search for some scrubs and a scrub cap for her new job.

"Done," Alex announced. He sat across from her at a lab table. He pushed the skin model to Meredith for inspection. She looked at it critically. "You got to be kidding me, what is it this time?" Alex protested when he saw her face.

"Technically it's passable, you're just so messy. All sutures are cut to a different length, they are not evenly spaced out and not the same length. I wouldn't say anything if I hadn't seen you do better. You know how to, you're just too lazy," Meredith told him.

"You and your perfectionism. No one cares," Alex complained.

"Everyone cares: your residents, your attendings, your patients. Literally everyone. It's not about having the perfect suture technique right out of med school. It's about being clean and precise and putting in some effort," Meredith told him.

"I've been suturing the same skin model for days, it's getting boring. I've been practicing the same skills over and over again. I'm sick of it."

"And I've been listening to you complain and having the same conversations with you for days and yet I'm still here. You asked for my help, I said I would help you and I'm here to help you until you go into that exam tomorrow. We're in this together, so suck it up," Meredith took a pair of scissors and cut his sutures.

"We're not in this together. You're sitting here reading and torturing me. How do I even know that you know what you are talking about?"

"Are you challenging me to a suture competition?" Meredith asked.

"Yes!"

"Fine. What do you want if you win?"

"I want you to do my paperwork for the next two weeks."

"Not going to happen. Pick something else," Meredith shook her head, she was quite enjoying herself and Alex was in for a rude awaking.

"Okay, then I want a surgery – any surgery," Alex told her.

"Fine," Meredith shrugged.

"What do you want?"

"I want a favor," Meredith looked him straight in the eyes.

"A favor?" he raised his eyebrows.  
"Yeah, any kind of favor. I may ask you to clean my gutters or give me a lift or change a tire. I just want a favor."

"A favor it is," Alex agreed.

"So what should we do?" Meredith asked as she grabbed some supplies she needed.

"Ten interrupted sutures and ten running."

"Throw in two horizontal mattress sutures and you have yourself a deal."

"Okay."

"We'll judge based on accuracy and continuity. I'll give you fifteen minutes."

"Fifteen minutes?" Alex protested.

"It's supposed to be a challenge, Alex."

"Fine. Go."

Meredith just finished her ten running sutures when her iPad alerted her to a video call. She was a little surprised who called her, given the time. She probed the tablet up in front of her and accepted the call.

"Hey Franzi, what is up? Aren't you supposed to get ready for school right now?" Meredith greeted the eleven-year-old that had appeared on her screen. It was ten at night in Seattle but seven in the morning in Munich. Alex looked up for a second a little confused and then he concentrated back on his task.

"Yeah, but Mama hasn't called up yet. I have a problem," she told Meredith.

"You have a problem?" Meredith asked a little suspicious, while she continued to suture the skin practice model.

"Yes. I forgot to do my Latin homework yesterday and I have Latin first period and he said that he is going to collect our notebooks to check if we did it and I already have two strikes and if I get one more I get detention," she explained through the screen.

"You forgot, huh?" Meredith raised her eyebrows

"I forgot, really,"

"Seems like you're in some kind of a pickle," Meredith stated, "What do you want me to do?"

"Mhm, remember when you still used to live here and you sometimes used to help me with my homework? I was hoping that you could do it real quick for me. You are so good at it," Franzi grinned into the camera.

"I already went to school and did my homework, Franzi. Now it's your turn to do your homework," Meredith tried to be a reasonable adult.

"It's only four sentences. It's really short," she looked really desperate.

Meredith had a soft spot for both of Anna's girls. She had been there since day one, had watched them grow up. They were like sisters to her, they were her family. She couldn't just say no, even if she knew that it wouldn't be the right thing to do, even if she knew that Anna would kill her if she ever found out. How hard could sixth grade Latin be? She cut the last of her interrupted suture and exhaled loudly: "Fine, but I'm telling you this is a one-time thing. You know I'm more than happy to help you but I'm not going to be doing your homework just because you don't want to. Do you understand?" Franzi nodded eagerly, "Okay, now show me what you need to translate."

While Franzi looked for the right page in her book, Meredith finished the two mattress sutures and cut the nylon to her preferred length. Sixth grade Latin was harder than she had anticipated. She used medical terms that were rooted in Latin or ancient Greek daily but it had been a hot minute since she had translated anything. She dictated her answers to Franzi who eagerly scribbled the sentences into her composition book. Just when the eleven-year-old wrote down the last sentence, Meredith noticed the bedroom door open in the background.

"What are you doing, Franzi? You should be downstairs," Nikolas asked his daughter and then he spotted Meredith on the screen. "Mer?" and then he spotted the homework in front of his daughter, "Are you using Mer to do your homework, Franziska?"

"Just pretend that I'm not here," Meredith told him.

"Please don't tell Mama," Franzi pleaded.

"Yeah, don't tell her. Please. I already talked to Franzi, this is a one-time thing. We agreed, didn't we Franzi?"

"Absolutely," the girl nodded, shoving her notebook into her bag.

"What kind of homework did she robe you into?" He asked Meredith.

"Latin."

"Well," he shrugged in his typical way, "I can't really say anything about that, I had hoped that she would get your mother's genes when it comes to doing homework, looks like I have the more dominant trait. I used to pull all the tricks to get out of doing my Latin homework. She's at least smarter than I was. However, young lady, you should at least try to do it yourself." He ran his hand through his daughter's dark hair. Meredith loved watching their relationship, he would do anything for his girls and he counted Meredith to his girls. He spotted the underlining sadness and sorrow in Meredith's eyes. "How are you?"

"Same old, same old. Mom is being very difficult," Meredith shrugged, while the buzzer on her phone went off, alerting her that their time was up. "That's time, Alex put down your instruments," she told Alex.

"Do you need anything?" Nikolas asked, concerned by seeing Meredith in this state. When they had agreed to take Meredith in all those years ago, he had never expected that he would gain a little sister/niece/daughter. "Where are you?"

"At work," Meredith shrugged.

"You called her at work? We talked about that, you can't just call Mer at work, unless it's an emergency," now he was getting mad.

"It's fine, really. She didn't interrupt anything important or I wouldn't have picked up," Meredith tried her best to persuade him.

Nikolas looked unconvinced. "We have to go anyways, she needs to go to school and I need to go to work. We miss you, Mer, every day. Let's talk soon, okay?"

"Yeah."

"Thank you, Mer. I miss and love you," Franzi told her.

"I miss and love you, too. So much," Meredith told them as the screen went black, "Hey! I said put the instruments down!"

"I just needed to …"

"No excuses Alex," Meredith looked at him sternly.

"I'm not making excuses. At least I'm done. I'm looking forward to you giving up your next surgery," Alex told her triumphantly.

"Not so fast. I finished as well," she pushed her skin model to him for inspection, while she inspected his. "It's by far better than the one before, however, …"

"You won," Alex told her simply. "How the hell did you do that?"

"What? I never said that I couldn't suture. You're the one that questioned by abelites, you challenged me."

"I mean, how the hell did you … I mean you were on facetime. Talking to … who was that?"

"My family," Meredith told him without going into too much detail.

"I didn't know, that your family is German," Alex observed.

"There is a lot you don't know about me, Alex. And what you think you know is probably not true," Meredith replied.

"Well, it's not like you do something to stop the rumors. You just let them happen."

"You think that would change something?" Meredith raised her eyebrows.

"I don't know. It's worth a try. You could tell me something about you and see where it's going. It's not like I have a lot of people to talk to."

"Fine. What do you what to know?"

Alex was quiet for a second. "Where did you go in September and why did you come back with a scar?"

"Uhh," Meredith groaned, "Why do you want to know that of all the things you could ask me about? The scar is not even that prominent."

"I don't know, you just disappeared and then you came back. I never thought you would. I lost a lot of money," Alex shrugged. "If you want to go into plastics, you just notice."

"Hold on. You aspire to go into plastics, but you say that nobody cares what your sutures will look like? Are you kidding me? If you don't care, go into a specialty where using a stapler is not frowned upon."

"So where were you?" Alex ignored her side comment.

"I never matched into Seattle Grace. I had an entirely different plan, that suddenly got thrown overboard. I still had responsibilities back home. That's where I went in September. And while I was there I had a run-in with a drunk, who decided they needed to defend their honor with their glass beer mug, which ended up in my face. Question answered?" Meredith asked.

"Not really."

"Well, that's all you get."

"But …"

"Look, this is as much as can tell you, without going into great detail about my complicated life. And to be honest I don't know you well enough that you would be privileged to get the exclusive into my life."

"But you never matched into Seattle Grace. Don't you think that is a little unfair for us who went through the process to be here? Especially now when there will be cuts," Alex argued.

"I agree that it is unfair. I'm pulling myself out of the equation tomorrow, in hopes that you can all keep your jobs at least until you finish your intern year. That's why I sit here in a skill lab and help you study while I could be in an on-call room sleeping. Besides, I never took an opportunity away from any of you who came here through the proper matching process."

"Wait, you're quitting?" Alex asked, clearly surprised.

"Yes."

"But what are you going to do? It is impossible to find a job as an intern."

"Don't you worry about me, I got it covered," Meredith smiled at him.

"It's kind of sad actually."

"What is sad?"

"That you won't be here anymore. How is going to call out my bullshit and is going to save my ass if you're gone?"

"I guess Bailey is going to continue to do that," Meredith joked.

"True. Still, she's not the one sitting here torturing me," he looked at her gratefully.

"You'll survive, I'm sure," Meredith commented. The sound of her and Alex's pager disturbed their responsibility-free time. She checked her pager and saw the code on the little technical device. "Well, duty calls."

xxx

Meredith was silently cursing Derek. This was the situation she had wanted to avoid at all costs. Three trauma patients, three patients with the potential need for a neurosurgeon, and only two certified neurosurgeons on call – if she excluded herself from the equation. A nurse had brought her up to speed while she had gotten ready for the trauma situation.

Patient one – a twenty-year-old male, driver of the first car – was already on his way to CT. According to the charge nurse, he was the one who had suffered the most traumatic injuries. His body was mangled and based on Meredith's assessment was a trip to the operating room inevitable. He was intubated and his pupils reacted sluggishly to her penlight. He showed visible signs of head trauma.

Patient two – the nineteen-year-old driver of car two – was not as bad off as patient one, but was still in serious condition. His primary survey suggested a spinal cord injury. If her worse assumptions became true he needed immediate surgery. Under normal circumstances, Meredith would hand off the case to a spinal surgeon, but all spinal cases at Seattle Grace were handled by the neurosurgery department. He was conscious and talking but couldn't remember the accident that clearly – which raised a red flag for Meredith. He was also the brother of patient three who had just been brought in.

It had been a while since Meredith worked a major trauma situation, let alone where she needed to assess three individual patients at once and not be in charge. Yet it was like riding a bike. The situation was complicated by the chaos that was working at Seattle Grace at the moment. For the first two patients, she had missed the EMS hand-over and had only slipped in to do a quick neurological assessment before she had left to see the other patients. The rooms had been way too crowded, too noisy, and too chaotic for her liking. There hadn't been much time to complain about the chaos.

Her senior resident had taken over patient one, so Meredith could move on to the new arrival. Meredith slipped into trauma three. She was surprised when she saw the patient being transferred onto the trauma bed. It was a kid. The room was just as chaotic as the other trauma rooms had been. Meredith spotted at least five interns who she knew weren't on the clock but were there anyway. She had spotted Cristina in trauma one. Izzie was now in trauma three, looking eager to get to do something.

Every trauma was a high-stress situation, it wasn't like a scheduled surgery that they had time to prepare for. Getting the information about the accident, the scene, and the initial vital signs from EMS was crucial. They relied on those pieces of information. Based on those they had an understanding of what to focus on. She had a hard time hearing the handover over the unnecessary commotion in the room. That the third patient was a child put Meredith more on edge.

The patient was an unrestrained fourteen-year-old female who had to be cut out of the car at the scene. Her vitals were stable-ish and she was conscious, which were good initial signs. The teenager was strapped to the backboard, her c-spine was secured by the orange head immobilizer and a cervical collar. She looked very scared and disoriented, tears were running down her blood-smeared cheeks.

Meredith's position – as the 'neuro person' – was by the patient's head. She witnessed the girl's silent distress. The trauma team started their primary survey, attaching monitors, drawing blood, placing IVs, loudly stating their doings to the scribe nurse. It was loud and chaotic, it wouldn't come as a surprise if some information would get lost in the chaos. Meredith aligned herself in the girl's line of vision.

"Hey there, I'm Meredith one of the doctors taking care of you. Can you tell me your name?"

"Kaylee," the girl whispered.

"Hey, Kaylee. Do you know what happened and where you are?"

"I don't know?"

"You were in an accident and now are at the hospital, I know all of this is very scary. We're taking care of you, okay. Can you tell me where it hurts?"

"Everywhere," Kaylee cried, "And, I'm feeling sick."

"Kaylee, can you move your fingers for me?" The teenager wiggled her fingers, "Perfect. And your toes," she wiggled her toes but cried out in pain. "Very good."

"Oww, oww, it hurts," she cried silently,

"We're going to give you more for the pain and something for the nausea, okay?" Meredith told her. "I'm going to have to shine a light into your eyes. It's going to be uncomfortable, I'm sorry." Meredith shined the penlight into her eyes and announced to the team: "Pupils are equal, round and reactive. GCS is 14. Can we get some anti-nausea meds on board, please?" Her response was a reassuring sign, the nausea wasn't.

"I want my Mom," Kaylee cried.

"I know honey. I'm going to send someone to look for your mom, okay?" Meredith told her.

"What was the GSC?" the scribe nurse asked over the commotion of too many people trying to help.

"GSC is 14," Meredith repeated.

In the chaotic, crowded room they had a hard time communicating with each other, Meredith was getting annoyed.

"I want my mommy. I think I'm going to be sick."

"Don't worry Kaylee, we got you," Meredith told her, "She's going to be sick," skillfully they turned the backboard to the side and a nurse positioned the sick bag just in time. In the background three of the interns were loudly bickering about whose turn it was to do the next procedure. They turned Kaylee back. The situation was highly stressful. The team relied on flawless communication so they could tend to their patient's needs, while interns were arguing about procedures as if they had no regard for the human life they were trying to save. Their arguing disrupted their workflow, their communication, and put extra unnecessary stress on the already stressed patient. Throughout the trauma, they had been oblivious to the glares the nurses sent them when they had to maneuver around them, the annoyed looks of the attendings and residents, the repetitions they caused by their loud fighting. And nobody said anything. Meredith was ashamed and she fed up with it. "HEY!" she bellowed, "Everyone who is not on the clock right now: out. Everyone who bribed a nurse, an orderly, or the custodian staff to page them about this trauma: out. Go home, get some sleep, and stay the hell out of the way."

"You can't kick us out," Izzie argued smugly.

"Like hell, I can! Neither of you is on the clock and all of you are distracting. I don't know how many times things needed to be repeated in the last five minutes because you wouldn't shut up or can't grasp the seriousness of the situation. Get out!" Meredith stated with the authority of an attending, focusing her attention back on Kaylee. "Hey Kaylee, can you open your eyes for me?" Meredith gently shook the girl's shoulder. "Kaylee … there you are," she smiled, "I have to shine the light again, I'm sorry." In the background she could hear an attending seconding her outburst, kicking any unnecessary personal out of the room.

"No, water hurts. I don't like water. Puppy home." Kaylee mumbled barely audible, which concerned Meredith. Even her pupillary responds had changed since she had last checked it.

xxx

Meredith was nervously fidgeting with the hair tie around her wrist. It was a trait she had inherited from her mom. She had hated it when her Ellis had done it and now that she did it herself she hated it as well, but she couldn't help it. Whenever she was extremely anxious, nervous, or tense she needed something to fidget with. This situation exaggerated her fidgeting habit. She sat at one of the desks in the ER waiting for Kaylee's scans to come back from radiology, while anxiously playing with her hair tie. In her head, she was going over all the potential scenarios. Patient one was already in the OR and patient two was being prepped as they waited for his sister's scans. If Kaylee had been lucky she only had a bad concussion, if she had been incredibly unlucky she would join the other two victims for immediate neurosurgery. In between those two extreme scenarios, were hundreds of different options.

"Could you stop that?" Brandon asked. He sat next to her waiting for the same scans, he was one of the emergency docs that were taking care of Kaylee.

"Sorry," Meredith said lost in thought but didn't stop.

"You don't have to stop, it's not bothering me at all," he teased with earned him a very unamused look. "What's up with you today? The Meredith I know is more patient and less annoyed."

"Too much to go into detail," she replied shortly.

"Merger worries?" Brandon asked.

"No, no merger worries. Even though the merger is just working here more unbearable. But that's a different story." The scans popped up in Kaylee's file. "Finally," Meredith opened the document. One look at the brain scan and she knew what she needed to do. After Kaylee had been taking to CT, she had decided on actions she enabled if a certain threshold would be passed. It was the only option she saw to maintain patient safety and obey her contract. She grabbed the phone next to her.

"What are you doing?" Brandon asked.

"I'm calling Children's for a transfer," Meredith told him, the receiver pinned between her ear and shoulder, dialing the number she had looked up previously.

Brandon took the receiver out of her hand and hang up before she had the chance to finish dialing the number. "Don't you think, it's a little prematurely? Shouldn't you consult neurosurgery before you decide to ship the patient to a different facility?"

"She has a massive subarachnoid hemorrhage. The chance that she needs a neurosurgeon within the next two hours is very likable. And I am neurosurgery."

"I mean not an intern, I mean someone with a little more experience than six months on the job."

"Oh yeah right, like last time?" She sent him an annoyed look. She took her hand to her ear, pretending that it was a phone, "Hello Dr. Shepherd, sorry to bother you. I just wanted to check if it's okay that I get a patient the best possible care even if that means transferring her to a different more equipped hospital. The patient has an actively bleeding SAH. The two on-call neurosurgeons are already in surgery and will be for hours. It would save you and me a lot of trouble and paperwork … that's what I thought," she hung up her pretend phone and picked up the real one dialing the number, "He says it's okay," Meredith told Brandon.

"Meredith," he warned her.

"Look Brandon, just trust me that I have more than enough experience in neurosurgery, pediatric neurosurgery, and emergency medicine to know what I'm doing. To know that this is the right call. She has a very long road ahead of her with all her other injuries and Children's is far better equipped to deal with all of them. That she was brought here in the first place was a mistake. … Oh hello, this is Dr. Grey from Seattle Grace, neurosurgery please."

"I can't sign off on this. I need a little more than trust," he protested.

"You don't have to, I will," Meredith told him, while she waited to be connected to the neurosurgery department.

* * *

Meredith walked into Seattle Grace, dressed in a business casual attire. In her purse, she had one very important document. She looked good and felt good. It had been a very busy day. She had slept for an hour all night. At first, she had stayed with Kaylee and her mother until the transport team from Children's had arrived. The conversation with the on-call neurosurgeon had been very good. He had been a little surprised to get a call like this so early on. He had told her that normally facilities would underestimate the injury and overestimate their capabilities which had resulted in some close calls. When he had asked of Meredith's name, he had actually recognized it, which made Meredith kind of happy. After Kaylee had been picked up, she had grilled Alex for another hour until she was sure that he was prepared. In the morning there had been some fallout from her outburst in the trauma room. Izzie and some of the interns weren't happy with her speaking up against them. She hadn't cared a bit.

After her shift, she had met with her new employer to sign her contract. They were the biggest anesthesiology private practice in Seattle and staffed most hospitals and surgery centers throughout the city with anesthesiologists. Meredith wasn't a big fan of ginormous private practices, however, they had offered her the flexibility she was craving. The hours and the pay were good and she could up or down her hours at will. The best part was that she would be fully responsible for her own cases again.

After that meeting, she had had a meeting with someone at the University of Washington School of Medicine about a possible teaching responsibility. If everything worked out she would be teaching at least one class next semester. After she had once again called and had harassed the Boards of her outstanding residency acceptances. Those calls had been rather unsatisfying, but her mood had been too good to bring her down from her high. She felt she was finally on the right path again.

It was afternoon and Meredith was on her way to the Chief's office to hand in her resignation. Richard and Dr. Rosenthal had been impossible to get hold of these days. The merger had thrown them in a loop, they were buried in work. She didn't have an appointment but she was certain that she would find him in his office. She knocked on his door and opened it when she heard him call her in.

"Chief, do you have a minute?" Meredith asked.

"Oh, Meredith. It's really not a good time, I have so much to do," he replied, his desk buried in paperwork.

"It's really just a minute, less even. I just wanted to give you this. Dr. Rosenthal has a copy in his pigeon hole and HR will get another," Meredith handed him the letter.

"What is this?" Richard asked perplexed.

"My resignation."

"Your resignation?" Richard looked bewildered.

"Yes. With everything going on, I decided it was time to bow out," Meredith explained. "I once again wanted to thank you for the opportunity you gave me last June. I really appreciate it. However, I don't see any future at Seattle Grace for me."

"But …" Richard was speechless.

"I know that you are in the incredibly hard situation of cutting jobs and I don't want you to consider any of my intern colleagues when I'm ready to leave. I will finish my week here and after that, I have another job lined up, however, if you have scheduling problems I'm more than willing to jump in for a couple of hours," Meredith told him.

"Meredith, I want you to consider the gravity of this decision. You would need to redo your entire intern year if you want to return to medicine."

Meredith had to try very hard to not start laughing right then. "I'm aware and I have everything under control," she smiled.

"Do you need anything? Any help?" Richard offered, which bothered Meredith greatly.

"No, I have everything under control. Well, that's all, I won't keep you. Thank you again," Meredith told him, exiting his office.

On the way to the intern locker room, she ran into Bailey. Now that she had officially free from being an intern at Seattle Grace, Meredith decided that it would be the right thing to do to tell her resident that coming next week she wouldn't be an employee of Seattle Grace Hospital anymore. Dr. Bailey had been just as shocked as Richard had been, she, however, had collected herself much quicker than Richard had. Meredith felt light and happy that she was finally in control of her life again.

* * *

It was Sunday afternoon and Meredith had just finished half a day shopping at IKEA, buying some furniture for the house. It just so happened that IKEA was very close to SeaTac, where Derek had landed a couple of minutes ago. He had taken a taxi straight from the hospital to the airport. She had really missed him. A week apart had been good, but she was ready to have him back in her life again. She pulled her old Toyota in front of his airline section and got out to wait for him. It was freezing cold but surprisingly dry.

A big smile spread over her face when she saw him exit the airport building pushing a luggage cart in front of him. He hadn't spotted her yet, he was looking around for a free taxi.

"Derek," Meredith called. His face mirrored hers when he spotted her.

"This is a pleasant surprise," he walked up to her, grinning like a stupid teenager. He took her in his arms, kissing her slowly. The butterflies in her belly were going crazy.

"I missed you," she whispered into the kiss.

"You have no idea, how much I missed you," Derek smiled brightly.

"I have some idea."

"How are you?" he asked.

"I'm good," Meredith replied genuinely. "I have so much to tell you."

"I can't wait."

* * *

10/17/20

Well, it's been a while - a long while. I'm good and healthy. I've been busy with life and have a deadline coming up and writing this story is kind of a distraction. Well since this chapter once again has over 10000 words, you could ask how my other 'non-fun' project is going. It's going. I hope the chapter brought you some joy, with everything going on in the world right now. Can we stop the surprises, please? I love reading your reviews, I love writing for someone, this story brings me a lot of joy. Thank you for going on this ride with me. I took some inspiration from 'Lennox Hill' on Netflix. If you're not only into watching medical dramas but also real-life medial shows - I can highly recommend it. The conversation between Meredith, Nikolas, and Franzi, is in German, for my international non-german readership I kept in English.

As always, let me know what you think. Stay happy and healthy, wash your hand, wear a mask, and make good decisions. Bye


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